My Side of the Story!

2012-01-26T09:07:00.001Z

She stared at the empty screen in front of her and willed her mind to fill it. Her heart had been wringed out of her chest and she lacked the capacity to observe the world anymore. She started writing many times but each line sounded wrong and empty and threatened to go nowhere, so her hand remained on the backspace button, while her head willed the words to come.

She typed.

All I want to do is write about you. I miss you. Your eyes, your smile, the stupid way you danced.

I miss the way you always knew what I was going to say and talked to me for hours about things that to other people seemed irrelevant and mundane.

When you made me breakfast and lunch and dinner and all the things inbetween. How you forced me to try new things and knew what I liked before me.

Your laugh.

Waking up next to you.

Sleeping next to you.

Waking up so tightly entwined together, any limb could belong to anyone.

She stopped typing because she knew that retrospect made everything perfect. That her mind had lost the ability to see wrong or bad. Maybe that was the beauty of love. Being able to squeeze out every bit of good from every bit of bad. Being able to see past actions to the soul of a person to understand their worst actions.

The way you wouldn't let me stay mad at you.

She would write about love.

2012-01-18T10:03:00.000Z

I realised that I only cared because someone else did. But it doesn't matter who cared. It doesn't matter if it's someone or it's noone. And transferring that power, the power to do something- anything in life is stupid. The only person that should have the power is you. The only person it should matter to is you. Because at the end of the day, it's YOUR life. And yes, sometimes, you look at everyone else that has everybody believing what the say...but it doesn't matter. The lives that anyone else lives has no bearing on your life. Unless and until you break free from these beliefs, they will determine everything you do. They will bring you down. And sometimes, when you think you can do something, the only way to do it is to do it. The only way to grow is to grow. You have to do it even when it hurts. Even when you're the only person in the room that can hear yourself and noone else cares. THE ONLY PERSON THAT HAS TO CARE IS YOU.

Some nights I can't sleep because of the crippling fear. So many things scare me. But the only reason that they scare me is I KNOW that I'm not fighting hard enough. I know I'm coasting. And I know that if I carry on like this, all my fears will come to pass, so I can't let them.

Fears exist in the mind and I need to stop living in my mind and start living in real life.

ACID

2012-01-12T23:34:00.000Z

It wasn't how she thought she'd be spending her new year.

She pulled down her too short glittery skirt and tried to make out her friends in the crowd. The neon sign of the club was blinding her. 'ACID' it said in bright pink neon lettering. No subtlety there.

She saw them huddled in a corner ear the door. They wore similar outfits to her and she hated to say it, but they looked...desperate.

'Hey' she shouted, tottering towards them in heels she could barely walk in. They waved back and Kike brought out a cigarette. She reached their small circle and gestured for a cigarette before she spoke.

'What's the plan?'

'We go in, have fun and enter a new year'...Uche tried to sound enthusiastic, but she just sounded tired.

'Ok let's go in then'

They walked towards the entrance. '20 pounds each' the bouncer said straight faced.

They watched three girls go in without paying. They didn't protest. They knew a pointless battle. They walked to the small pay booth and paid.

The lights in the club were even more painful than the neon sign. It was already packed. They found some standing space next to one of the speakers. Each beat felt like something was shattering in her brain.

This was not how she was supposed to spend new year.

Noone spoke about getting drinks. It was too loud to speak anyway and they could barely see the bar for all the people around it.

She closed her eyes for a minute and pictured what her life should be like. She should be at home convincing her child to stay up. She should be cracking jokes with her husband.

Anything. But. This.

She was 30 and in a nightclub in a too short skirt on New Years Eve desperately trying to have fun.

She felt someone tug at her sleeve. 'We're going to try the bar', someone was shouting in her ear.

'Ok'

They took it as indication that she was going to follow, but she stayed where she was. Then she ran. She ran out of the club, past the pay booth and the ugly bouncer at the door. She left her heels on a side street somewhere and didn't stop running. The pavement felt cool beneath her feet and she was hopelessly out of breath but she couldn't stop running.

When she finally stopped, she was right at the spot where the pain started. The house he lived in. The house he lived in with his family. The family that he made so quickly after her. The family that broke her heart a little more everyday. That made her life rot away gradually as if infected by a poisonous acid.

She saw a light come on in an upstairs window and watched a curtain close. She cried silently for what she promised to be the last time. This might be an equally desperate start to the new year, but at least it was honest.

Fireworks exploded around her and she could hear load chants of 'HAPPY NEW YEAR' from the insides of houses.

She started the long journey home.

It was time for a new start.

Challenge/Competition

2012-01-11T11:54:00.000Z

Happy new year my lovelies!!!

I haven't ever done a competition or challenge, so her goes both!

For 30 days, I'm going to write a short story every day.

But the ideas are going to come from you. It can be a title, the first line of the story...even a word! be creative.

For every idea, I use...the person gets a printed copy and signed copy of the story sent to them in the post.

At the end of the challenge...everyone who participates will be randomly entered into a draw to win a printed/signed copy of all the stories. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW! ONE DAY IT COULD BE WORTH SOMETHING!!! The winner would also receive other things that have not yet been identified at this point, because c'mon! I just thought of this!

lol

You can submit ideas by commenting on this post and then any of the posts in the next 30 days. You can give as many as you want. You can also tweet me the ideas @sexywriter

I promise to think more carefully about the details of the competition and come up with better prices.

But please participate guys!

xxx

Follow Me

2011-12-26T18:40:00.000Z

Follow me on twitter:

@sexywriter

for those of you that already found me before (ni)...I switched accounts, so my former sexywriter account is now my personal account and now I have a new sexywriter account!

Look forward to talking to you guys on twitter.

Happy Holidays!

What Happens When The Piano Stops Playing? On Religion.

2011-12-18T19:14:00.000Z

People cry in church. Like honest to God, bawling their eyes out. People jump and shout and run around. I don't know. I feel like a huge part of church is theatrics. It's the music...the sermon in dramatic tones! Everything is dramatic. It's like playing a love song in the background everytime you tell your girlfriend you love her.

I get it. That emotions run high 'in the presence of God'. That's another thing, people always emphasise God's presence on Sunday mornings when people are dressed up and there's a piano playing. Maybe it's like seeing your favorite artiste at a live concert...your emotions tend to run a bit high. I don't really do concerts, so I'm not sure.

I don't know, sometimes I feel cheated in church. I feel like I want to see everything stripped back. I want to see how people feel the love of God when the piano stops playing. I want to hear the sermon in tones that aren't modulated in a way to force people to listen.

I just want to see how much of it is real.

How much of it do people remember and feel after the closing prayer?

That's all I want to know.

2011-12-17T13:26:00.001Z

I realised that it wasn’t who he was that kept me going back for answers. It was who I was. It was me blending in with all the nameless girls that had been in and out of his head. People that didn’t makek it into his history. Girls that carried hurt that he dismissed as ‘stuff that happens’. I knew he valued history. I knew that because he had told me his history. One with names and faces and wistfulness. His history painted him honest, if not perfect. I didn’t count on the fact that some people carried bits of him in their history and he didn’t make it into theirs. I wanted to have a place…a face…a name. I wanted to be etched deeply into his history and repeated often in the stories to come. But reality had me down as the parts of the past that didn’t even exist. He was in mine, but I was just ‘stuff that happens’.

The Friend Zone

2011-12-10T19:57:00.000Z

There is nothing wrong with the friend zone. I know for many people, it's seen as the signal of death to any meaningful (read emotional) relationship, but realistically, it doesn't have to be. What's better than a relationship with someone who you get on with completely and honestly. Too often, when relationships take the direct route without a proper friendship first...it can last! It can be fun...it can last forever...but it's just not the same as a relationship with your friend.

I think the friend zone is only really strict when theres absolutely absolutely no chance of physical attraction. This usually happens when the person is just totally unattractive. They are not cute...They don't have an amazing body...they are just well below average. It's in circumstances like this that the friend zone can be well and truly useful.

I read an article about how negative it is to be the 'bottom bitch'...that is, you're always there for someone...but they keep choosing other people. Guys can be bottom bitches too...however, I feel it's an unfair assessment of why bottom bitches finish last. Bottom bitches don't finish last because they would 'ride or die'...They finish last because they don't prioritise themselves. Selflessness is up there with fairy dust. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself (or at least you should)...so ALWAYS putting someone's needs before yours is silly. And for what? The hope that one day they'll realise that they love you? That negates from the selfless angle a bit actually.

In any situation, honesty is key. You have to be honest with yourself...don't become a version of yourself that suits someone else...That leads to you being demeaned in someone else's eyes. Always, always, always put yourself first! There's a time and place for putting your partner before you...and dating is not that time!

Venus vs Mars

2011-12-09T22:41:00.000Z

Opposites attract but similar stay together. Don't argue, just accept it. Relationships are hard enough without disagreeing with someone on fundamental tenets of life. Similar doesn't mean the same...it means similar. Most importantly, that you agree on the important things. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the fact that someone doesn't like kids while you see yourself having 15 kids in quick succession isn't important...it is. Nothing is important in the first glow of 'love/lust/infatuation'...Even lack of conversation can seen romantic. But as I grow older, i'm realising that honestly, clichés about relationships exist because they are mostly true. Exceptions are exceptions. Don't live life expecting to be the exception. Live your life trying to be happy. Do you know what will make you happy? Being with someone from the same planet as you!

2011-11-26T16:47:00.001Z

For some people, relationships are like a trip. You read about a place, see pictures and videos- it all seems extremely exciting , so you book a trip. The trip is great! Or maybe it isn't, but you take loads of photos and are eager to go back home. At home, you show off the photos and tell people about the trp, relieving the memories...but you don't plan to move there or even go back there. You might go again, if someone is paying and you have free time; you might even WANT to go back there because it was so much fun... But at the end, you always, always want to come back home.

The key to the right relationship is when the destination becomes home....but this rarely happens. So all that's left is to enjoy the trip.

Even when you're the destination.

HEY EVERYONE!!!

2011-11-11T07:58:00.002Z

IT'S TOO HARD.

Life.

It's like a never ending obstacle course.

I'm tired of crossing obstacles.

Mon dieu!

2011-10-10T14:58:00.000+01:00

What is it about retrospect that makes it so much clearer than the present?

Is it actually clearer? Or do memory and imagination connive to create a clear picture in order to move on?

Like the realisation that something you believed at the time was real actually had no substance...actually couldn't have worked.

How come you start to see clearly- never being let in. Never knowing names and places and events. Never really being anything but a voice on the other side of the phone. A train station fantasy. A practise run for what to say...how to behave.

The present makes you believe things that arent true. Attaches too much importance to meaningless things. Words and smiles and feelings...that fade away. The present doesn't care about substance...it cares about happiness. Even if that happiness is false. It cares about laughter...it's all about the deceit...because the present has too much 'hope' and 'optimism' and wants so badly to 'believe'.

Retrospect is real. When the words and the smiles peel away. What's left...that's real. That's retrospect.

2011-10-02T22:25:00.000+01:00

I think I've passed the stage where my relationship with one person affects my relationships with other people. Just because someone lies, doesn't mean everyone lies. Just because someone hurt me doesn't mean everyone is out to hurt me.

On the other hand, I've come to realise that you can't always find the good in everyone. I'm the sort of person that hangs on to any friend past all their mistakes, past any hurt...because I believe that inherently, we are good people who sometimes do bad things. However, that is a naive and quite frankly, silly point of view. Some people are bad. Maybe they are good deep inside, but as long as they are bad pour moi...I have to regard them as bad and toss them out of my life.

This brings me to yet another realisation. Not everyone deserves to be in your life. I used to hate the word deserve. To me, it spoke of self-righteousness...'he doesn't deserve me' 'she doesn't deserve a friend like me'...i always thought...'well what makes you so damn great?' we are all flawed in some way...but the truth is DESERVE is a word that is now real in my mind. Not everyone deserves my time or my attention. Not everyone deserves to be in my life. Life is long. Very long...and if so early in my twenties, I start carrying baggage of dead-weight friends...where's the space in my life in the future for people that might actually help me?Sometimes baggage feels so comforting and we want people in our lives strictly out of habit. Habit is not enough...if someone doesn't add ANYTHING to your life...anything positive...even if it's just the person that always makes you laugh...why are they there?

Also...i'm pretty tired of the people that cling to me when they have tons of baggage...They need advice...they need me to listen...and suddenly they are back in my life with vengeance...I soak up their tears and calm their woes...problems vanish and so do they! Suddenly life gets in the way...until the next crisis when they need me for tea, tissues and unlimited listening minutes. ENOUGH. Friends are supposed to 'share'. I am not there as the free excess baggage trolley. I have my own life...and if someone is not willing to be there for me if I need to talk at 3 in the morning (which incidentally, I never do)...then I don't want to be the agony aunt. I don't want to listen to variations of the same event and offer advice that gets tossed in the end. Selfishness is now my goal. After all, even the bible says 'love your neighbour AS THYSELF'...NOT MORE THAN!

I'm grateful for my friends...they are amazing, patient and care about me as much as I should care for myself. I'm grateful for this blog because its the ONLY thing i've ever kept at this long and obviously...I have the most amazing followers.

Enough rant for the night.

Back soon.

*Bisous*

2011-09-18T09:22:00.000+01:00

Many times in life, I lose my identity. It always starts with not knowing what to wear. The moment I can't instinctively pick out an outfit that makes me feel good...I know that I've lost my identity AGAIN.

It's hard. I'm not sure what music I really like, what I most want to read...I overthink my conversations...cannot really write and all the while in my head...I'm hearing...who am I exactly?

I don't know that there's a solution...I guess you just live and wait for the day when you know instinctively what to wear again!

The Rebound

2011-08-20T11:33:00.000+01:00

The whole world is just one big rebound.

You don't get the job you want...so you apply for another.

You see a nice dress in the sale but they don't have it in your size...so you buy another.

So is rebound a dirty word in relationships?

Why should you take time to dwell on the past in order to 'move on'?

Sometimes I don't even know where people get these ideals from. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A REBOUND. Generally. In specific situations, people need time to learn how to trust-etc. But generally, a rebound relationship is perfectly fine.

So stop crying on your sofa, watching rom-coms.

Rebound.

Whatever Will Be, Will Be.

2011-08-20T11:31:00.000+01:00

I don't believe in fairytales. You know the one that tells you that if you act like a princess long enough, you'll find your prince charming? Better still- the ones that tell you that you don't HAVE TO be a princess yourself because prince charming really likes regular flawed girls. This is what I believe.

It's never about you. people think that if they are funny and interesting, then they will snag some guy. Guess what? Loads of people are funny and interesting, and in the big scheme of things, funny and interesting is an infinitesimal part of things. You know the difference between someone listening to what you had for lunch and how you nearly tripped over a stone and someone who doesnt care? Yep. The fact that they don't care. Your personality doesnt come first. Emotions do. Contrary to popular belief, your personality doesnt influence emotions as much as you like to think they do. Infact, physical attraction is probably way way way higher up the list- because our minds convince our hearts of what is right in the end.

So don't fuss too much about being something that you think will make you attractive. Just be yourself- because in the end...whatever will be, will be.

Staying

2011-07-22T19:48:00.000+01:00

There's a lot to be said for staying.

Isnt that what God does?
Yes- in everything relating to how much we should take...I reference God.

Basically, we can do anything- and as long as we can appreciate that we were wrong, we can start over.

How come with humans, it's all 'I forgive you but...'

'But we can never be friends again'

'But I can never trust you again'

'But this kind of behaviour is unacceptable'

There are too many conditions. Staying is weak or stupid or just against the general principle of life.

But why?

I'm not a stayer and it's the people who act the worst that comment on the fact that I'm always looking for an opportunity to run away. So obviously, I put what they say down to bullshit...like how can you add badly and then be-grudge me for running away?

But when I think about it...staying means something. Staying is something we don't try enough.

I don't mean staying when you might end up dead.

Or staying when the only way you can sleep is sleeping pills.

Or staying when your betrayal is too deep to stay and forgive.

Or staying when you're.just.not.happy.

You know what? I was wrong...leaving is definitely how it's supposed to be.

A STORY

2011-07-14T21:55:00.000+01:00

She looked at the knife on the table like she was looking from outside. Then she realised that she actually was looking from outside. He was crying into his hands. Her lifeless body was folded across the chair. Her favorite zara top slashed where he cut when he attacked.

He didn't mean to.

Even as she looked at her own lifeless body, she felt sympathy for him. He was only acting out of anger. He loved her. He didn't mean to.

She moved closer as he moved closer, wishing he could reverse time. He whispered her name- she thought shouting would be a better way to get to her, but maybe that was just her- she was getting bored with the scene. She missed him already. Then she missed her body because apparently ghosts couldn't cry.

Was she even a ghost?

She sat on the arm of the chair. She still seemed able to sit- certainly not what the movies made you believe.

She wondered for the first time what she was still doing next to her body. Surely she should be moving quickly up or down. What's it going to be God...am I burning or becoming an angel?

He would never hold her again...She felt sad just looking at him. She loved him so much.

She looked at her body. He was looking for bin bags to wrap her in. Noone was going to find out. There was no way he was going to get away with killing her. Even by mistake.

Or was he?

He killed her. She had been looking but not really seeing.

HE. KILLED. HER.

And it didn't matter if he meant to do it or not. she was STILL dead.

She panicked. 'I hate you'

In that moment, he saw her and screamed. The look of terror on his face gave her as much satisfaction as you could feel when you were watching you get stuffed into a cheap bin bag.

He would never forget.

Then again. She would never live.

She started to fade from the scene.

Oh no..what now?

THE END.

THANK YOU

2011-07-13T19:18:00.000+01:00

I just want to say thank you to all my followers. Old and new. This blog is extremely selfish and often self-centered and I don't say thank you enough. I PROMISE I go on every single one of your blogs if you follow or comment.

To further my appreciation, I want your submissions. As most of you can tell, I tend to be pretty obsessed with love and relationships. So if you have an experience you want to share, some advice or something you want me to write about- email- sexywriterchic (at) gmail (dot) com

It doesn't have to be long or short- it can be ANYTHING. I would especially love to hear your personal experiences with emotional stuff.

I look forward to hearing your voices for a change.

xx

2011-07-13T19:10:00.000+01:00

I think most of us have felt what being in love feels like without actually being in love. You know those crazy feelings with infatuation or lust or a really crazy crush...the thing is those feelings, they don't last. That's the difference...I think. Until I fall in love, I won't know for sure.

Isn't it funny how we're different things to different people? Like to some people I'm this enthusiastic happy person and to some people I'm cold. Neither of them is wrong. People just bring out different parts of you.

It's funny how little I have to lose and how scared I still am. Right now I have nothing. No I can lose nothing. But yet, I can't seem to propel myself forward. I'm still scared.

What happens when I have a lot to lose?

What then?

The Never-Ending Puzzle Called Love

2011-07-03T12:19:00.000+01:00

I've always been baffled about the different definitions of love. Not different shades or elements, but different definitions. And then when I finally get past the many definitions, then comes the types. The love you have for family, and then the love you have for friends. The love you have for a bag of crisps and the kind you can be in.

If love is so undefinable, then why do we bother to define it. How do we make up all these rules for the things love isn't, when we don't actually know what it is.

If this passionate 'in love' love trumps all other kinds of love, why is the one kind of love than can release someone from it's clutch 'i fell out of love'. But I guess that's what happens when you fall into anything- because falling screams 'mistake'...'i didnt mean it to happen'. I've always hated 'i don't know how it happened' . Like fainting- it always seems so sudden, but there's nothing sudden about it. The day I fainted, I was aware I was going to faint, I knew it was the aftermath of my lightheadedness and I sort of gradually went out. To the outside world, it was much faster- to me it was a long process. I think in life as well, there's a lot more responsibility to be had for actions and emotions. Its easy to just let go and go with the flow, but I think you should ever ever go with the flow, if you know where it's going. Don't just stay on a river that might or might not end up where you want to be.

Anyway...what was I saying? Love. What is it?

If green can just be blue sometimes, is there a point having a blue? Or a green?

Why is capri-sun so tasty?

2011-07-02T12:41:00.000+01:00

I have a few more questions

Why is pasta so tasty?

Why is ribena so tasty?

Why is chocolate cake so tasty?

Why is it so hard to learn another language?

Why is it so easy to be lazy?

Why does it take days to put on weight and weeks to lose it?

I coincidentally started a new exercise regime on the first of the month! I didn't even realise, although my body was being very persuasive in getting me to put on trainers. Even though running 4.41 miles in two days made my body hurt all over (the joys of being unfit), I still chomped down half a chocolate cake in said two days. I still drool thinking about that cake...it was delicious! I might never make another type of chocolate cake again (hmmm...actually since i found that recipe, I haven't baked any other type).

Learning French is so frigging hard. But I WILL BE A FRENCH SPEAKER BEFORE I DIE meme si elle me tue.

I've been thinking...the angel and demon are equal right now. I'm as healthy as I am unhealthy. I'm as lazy as I am hardworking. I have to find a way to tip the scales.

Being broke and spotty just doesn't really work.

2011-06-15T10:21:00.000+01:00

I'm scared that I don't know how to write anymore. Maybe it's wanting something so bad, you're scared that you won't get it.

I wonder if you can train your brain to be positive? So you stop saying negative things and then eventually your brain catches up and stops thinking negative things.

I always thought my french would improve immensely by being around people I can speak it to...it hasn't. If anything, it's probably worse.

I don't write personal things anymore. I don't even think personal thoughts anymore. I think i'm trying to move away from this self-absorbtion. The world is not trying to be more difficult for me, by focusing my energy on thinking about things that are hard...i'm just stopping myself from thinking on how always be better. I listened to this business podcast that said that everytime you reflect on something negative that has happened, you re-live it again. So when i start thinking bad things, i say to myself...the only thing that's happening now is *insert whatever i'm doing*. It sounds so silly but it really does work. But maybe all it does is supress my feelings. I guess i'll find out.

I really have nothing to complain about. I'm busy all the time, but I enjoy everything I do and I have a life plan in place. I can always do better...but can't we all?

For some reason, my grammar is completely off. I don't know why.

xxx

2011-05-08T20:15:00.000+01:00

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I'm not sure I even know what it means. I often think of the way God gives us forgiveness and His forgiveness is unconditional conditioned on the premise that we acknowledge that we need to be forgiven. So basically, it's not automatic.

In real life, that's kind of hard. People don't walk around saying 'ive wronged you and I need to be forgiven.' They are more likely to say 'im right and you're wrong sucker- deal with it', so how exactly does it work. I've heard this 'forgiveness is more for you than for the other person' and I guess it's true to an extent...but really?

And then do you really forget? If you still treat someone based on their past actions...have you actually forgiven them?

Can you just wipe the slate clean and act like they never did that thing? In essence the kind of forgiveness we expect from God?

Or is it just beneath our human capability?

Can you really forgive someone that doesnt want forgiveness? That doesnt deserve forgiveness and not feel a massive pit of resentment?

I really just dont know

2011-04-28T20:50:00.000+01:00

I think a big part of maturity is self-awareness. Knowing yourself well enough to know what you can and can't do. Actually what you should and shouldn't do. I've been in the exact same position loads of times and thought...why am i here...again? It's like you do something you know you shouldn't do, knowing it would lead to a place you don't want to go back to...but you take the road anyway. It's not even optimism or naivety, it's just a sheer lack of self-control...the way I imagine an addict feels. The temporary ecstasy makes you believe that your long term happiness is something you should gamble. Something you can gamble. And then you end up in the EXACT SAME POSITION AGAIN!

And then when I run through it in my mind...the only thing I can think is...

WHY THE HELL AM I HERE AGAIN?

Fiction Friday: Silent Voices

2011-04-22T09:59:00.001+01:00

They said I went mad.

I remember that day. I was lying on my bed, thinking. A voice in my head spoke to me. ' take off your clothes'. The voice was urgent, desperate sounding. I tried to ignore it. It grew louder, harsher, almost threatening to destroy my brain from the volume of it. I took off my clothes.

'walk to your door'. This time resistance was shorter.

'open it and walk outside'.

I obeyed. People stared, pointed, covered their kids eyes. Cars slowed and people shouted things at me.

'they are jealous, ignore them', the voice said. I ignored them.

'walk faster'.

I walked faster.

A man shouted 'the police as coming for you'.

The voice asked me to run. I ran.

Then one day I was exhausted.I was tired of listening to the voice. It made me eat food from dustbins and wear paperbags. It made me walk for hours and run to escape the police. The voice sensed my tiredness.

'kill him'. Him was a random guy that occasionally shouted insults at me. 'kill him. Kill him.KILL HIM.'

I covered my ears and screamed.

'KILL HIM'.

I'm still not sure how I did it. They say it was with a piece of broken glass from the street. I'm not sure how I overpowered him, but there was blood. So much blood.

The voice was quiet when they blamed me. When they tried to kill me. His family ignored the voice. They wanted me punished. The voice remained quiet when they threw me in a small airless room.

They say I went mad.

The voice left before I could prove it wasn't me.

*thank you to everyone that leaves a comment and everyone that follows me. I check everyone of your blogs, i promise...i'll get better at leaving comments*

Mish-Mash of Unpublished Posts (unfinished)

2011-04-21T08:11:00.000+01:00

I realised that I've started a lot of posts and not finished them. So I decided to just publish them anyway. These date back to 2008, so some of it might seem a bit strange. Enjoy.

1.Physical attraction is a bitch sometimes. I can see why the most beautiful people are the most insecure. Someone liking you for the way you look is as hard hitting and shallow as it gets.
This has happened to me too many times. Sometimes it makes me want to scream- I AM AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING. IM SMART AND FUNNY AND INTERESTING. SO WHY CAN'T YOU WANT MORE????
Then again,

2.~~Sometimes when something happens~~ Everytime something happens, you have to take time out to figure out what the situation teaches you, about yourself, about life, about other people. The weaknesses you need to change and the strengths you need to build. It's easy to get caught up in the pain and drama of something hurtful. But nothing happens without some kind

3. Happy. I don't think I have many posts that just stem from a completely happy place, but I am- happy. I think one of the best things about happiness is that you don't have to experience it for hours at a time, to have it. Sometimes, it's just in a moment.

4. As human beings, we always like to feel like we're working for something. We share the 'nothing good comes easy' philosophy. If you don't work for something, it's valueless. Same with people.

5. Special and safe. Those are my two expectations from a relationship. Just the feeling that someone rates you above other people and they arent looking for reasons to bail. On some level, it's what we all want. Your parents mess up all the time and you're not filing for legal emancipation. But with relationships and marriages, it's all break-ups and divorce.
I've always found it funny how insecurity increases arrogance.

6. Run. All I want to do is run. Away from life. Choices, decisions, the wheels of the bus go round and round. I want to run in fast forward to that place where everything is sorted. But I can't

7. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can bubble under the surface threatening to spill over at any time. It can explode at the drop of a hat. At a time where something completely irrelevant comes up. Anger is often underrated. Anger is a state of temporary insanity.

8. Lessons from heart-bruise

1. It doesn't matter what it looks like. It's not a relationship if you don't agree that it is, because emotions not actions make a relationship. You know how sometimes you step outside your self and look at a situation and think 'Oh God, this is not my life'. One of such moments was

9. The reason I hate social interaction is this. Basically I am two versions of myself. Myself and an exaggerated version of myself. Now in social interaction, I automatically become the exaggerated version, and it's really exhausting. I just don't think myself can hold up. I'm basically an introverted person. The things I like doing the most involve me. Alone. Even analysing other people. Me. And for 'me' to suffice in social interaction, someone has to be willing to dig deep in order to realise that i'm not just basically boring as dirt. Actually when i'm being me, people never think i'm boring as dirt, they always think i'm up myself and think i'm better than anyone else.

10. I love having new followers. I love that some people read my blog. Sometimes I long for the beginning when noone was listening- I didn't have to edit- I just poured out my soul.

11. I smile a lot. For a change, I wanted to start my post with something positive about myself. Though it may often seem like this is a list of flaws I find about myself,

12. Dear Crush

I can't remember the last time I felt you- but I remember what you feel like. Warm and happy. Butterflies. Excited about a message, a call, seeing you. Corny. Nights spent listening to music- staring at the ceiling. Thinking about you. I can't remember what about you. Just about you.

Sometimes I miss you. The promise- excitement of something new.

13. Life is getting more complicated. But somehow, I feel better equipped to deal with it. I remember my mum's older sister always saying that she didnt want to be young again because of all the emotional trauma. I get that now. Everything is so much more dramatic when you're young. The older you get, you develop the 'been there- done that- seen it all' attitude. And I have to say- that makes life easier to be in. I'm so calm about so many things that would have caused me all sorts of inner (and outer) turmoil before. But then again, I feel kinda dead inside most of the time- so maybe its some sort of trade off.

14. Ok- im supposed to be studying! but i dont want to...

I'm wondering..wats all this Obama 'we did it' stuff..i accept the fact that it is an achievement- first black president- yadiya..shows were embracing all skin..etc..i dont mean to trivialise this at all...but people!! lets allow the man to do something before we hail him as making history- wat did he do?? he ran for president..lets face it- Mcain was a weaker candidate- putting all this skin color aside.
You know who i think we should be congratulating the public. The 'majority' that realised that color has nothing to do with the principle of 'the best man winning'..So please- all this patting on the back and grinning- we did it- is slightly

15. i dont know what to blog about! i feel bad because everyone has been hit witha blogging fever that has appeared to pass me by. i guess i can do my tagged..but my ipod isnt near me and i cant get up to go and get it. hmmm..bloggers block..

16. People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not

2011-04-11T20:09:00.000+01:00

The problem with changing yourself or elements of yourself to suit someone else is that you're always left with a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction. There's also the tendency to think you can do more, change more, be more tolerant- if you've already changed a little, it's hard to start drawing the line for when it crosses into a lot.

Don't get me wrong: change is good Change is necessary, it's human, life. It has to happen and we should all try to change for the better. However, change always has to be for you. Once you start changing for anything other than the fact that YOU want to change, it becomes hard to remember what your principles are... the elements of yourself that make you look into the mirror everyday.

Often people tell me i'm complicated. Hard to read or understand. My best friend the other day said 'you're odd'. I'm socially awkward and toe the line between being too honest (aka, kinda rude) to being very tactful (aka fake laughter, uninterested agreement). I often feel like I have to go one step forward to present myself in a way that is more relatable, less hard to reach. I want to present myself as a plated meal instead of one that you have to put into the microwave, and definitely not one where you actually have to put the ingredients together and cook.

But the truth is, I AM ingredients. The beauty of that is that loads of people can put it together and end up with different results and what's more fascinating than that? Why do i constantly find myself trying to figure out what combination works best for what person. What part of myself to take out, what part to put more of? Does this pressure even come from outside or is it some internal pressure i'm going to have to live with forever? Am i going to spend my life darting between trying too hard- changing too much, or not trying at all?

On some days, to some people...I don't even know if the part i'm playing resembles me at all.

Thinking With Anatomy

2011-04-04T12:08:00.000+01:00

You hear it all the time. Guys would do anything, say anything to get sex. But you never really believe it. How can you? It seems so animalistic...implies that they have no self control- no choice, which are the elements that make us human (well aside speech and fashion). But to witness it is actually a thing of beauty. Guys actually do anything- say anything...to have sex.

Now before I continue, I have to point out that this is a gross over-generalisation. I am not by any means referring to all guys, or even most guys. I'm referring to guys. An indeterminate number of them. Because even if i refer to just a minute number of people, it's still a fascinating phenomenon.

I would like to see experiments on the brain when a guy is in 'hunt mode'. What is it about the anticipation of sex that makes him not think clearly, deny his mother, sell his birthright...change the laws of an entire church?

Someone help me out...For someone who is passionate about pop-psychology, this really blows my mind.

My Best Friend

2011-03-26T19:42:00.000Z

...is simple.

In a world where everyone complicates everything, it's necessary. Everybody needs a friend that looks at a problem in terms of the solution and nothing else. People are always looking at problems from all sides of the spectrum, instead of just abandoning all that examination and solving it.

...is honest.

It's exhausting to constantly have to read between the lines of what someone is saying. With her, I know I never have to. Even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

...doesn't indulge in pity parties.

This- I often hate. Who doesn't like a good pity party? With her, it's straight- it happened, it happened, leave it alone.

...doesn't over-analyze anything.

No need to think if 'hi' really meant 'bye', 'no' really meant 'maybe'...Like i said...

My best friend is simple.

~~I wouldn't have her any other way.~~ ok ok, maybe a little more flexible sometimes, geez!

2011-03-25T20:41:00.000Z

Now I feel like everytime I try to write, the words get stuck somewhere between my head and my hands. Or maybe it's just that I don't know what I want to say. Words used to be my hiding place. Or my safe place. The one way to express stuff even I didn't understand. Now it doesn't feel so safe anymore. Every word that comes out feels like a betrayal of my emotions. Emotions are suppose to be buried deep inside of you. They aren't supposed to spill out for anyone to see. Even you. They should be buried.

What am I even saying?

Writing isn't my safe place anymore. Music doesn't understand me quite as well as it used to.

I don't get lost in false storybook characters anymore.

I have no more escapes.

But all I want to do is run.

2011-03-19T19:50:00.000Z

Music is like a drug. I'm probably stating the obvious but sometimes you find the perfect 4 minutes and 8 seconds, and from the minute you hear the first bar, you're removed from yourself. Your thoughts are clearer- you understand your emotions more- sometimes the music understands your emotions more than you and you're chilling with the song in perfect understanding. If you're anything like me, you use that song over and over- until you play it and feel nothing- time to let go, sad but necessary.

Music understands us because music is us. Sometimes we find a song that we like, but don't love. We wouldn't skip it if it came up on shuffle, but we wouldn't seek it out either. Or we get a song stuck in our heads and cant seem to get it out, no matter how annoying. Sometimes we hate a song on first listen (ushers omg anyone?) but it grows on us so slowly that we find ourselves humming its tune in the kitchen. Sometimes we love a song. We play it on repeat. Its our go to song, and then gradually we tire of it. Because no matter how much you love something or hate something, however strongly you feel about something, the feeling dulls after a while.

In the end sometimes, the best feelings are more basic than we realise. We think love is this shiny, heart beating, mouth dry feeling. There are so many things that feel so strong; lust, infatuation, crushes. Love is what is left when you take away all the other things. It's the security, stability, safety. It's not necessarily butterlies or heart-thumping. It's just safe, easy. The song you always listen to whenever you can't be bothered to think of anything else. And yeah, it's not very romantic, but it's so much more than that...

That said, the repeat songs that you tire of are really fun while you still want to repeat them. And who doesn't like the first exciting bars?

2011-03-17T18:18:00.000Z

Being 'good', it's very hard because in the modern world...

Good= naive, punk, idiot, mugu, optimistic (and not in a good way), fake...

Very rarely is being good accepted as ..well...good.

Thing is...I want to be good. I like being good. Actually, I think I need to take a couple of steps backwards here and explain...what exactly does it mean to be good?

*stares blankly at keyboard*
*racks brain*

I seem to have lost all sense of being articulate. It seems like a waste to try and contain such a huge concept with a couple of well-meaning adjectives. Good is more of a feeling- doing the 'right'thing. Not giving in to negative emotions like anger or jealousy. Honesty. Not hurting people on purpose. Taking steps to positively correct your actions if you happen to hurt someone. Promoting positivity even in the face of intense negative energy.

So no. Being good here, unfortunately, is not meant in any religious context. There are no rules. It's not 'saving self for marriage' and 'never telling a lie', it's more inherent than that...ok, I think we're all up to speed on the concept.

So why is it so hard for the world to allow someone to be good. Now I understand why it's hard for one to actually be good. But why is it hard to ALLOW someone else to be good? It's like when someone actually makes a genuine effort to do the 'right' thing, to 'turn the other cheek' (and no- if someone hits you physically, this is not what i advocate). But sometimes when someone calls me stupid- I don't want to call them stupid back. Because, well...it's stupid. And to be honest, i'm not stupid. I don't want to reduce myself to act based on someone else's negative emotion, I want to see the better side of the people, not the absolute worst side. I want to be trusting, not cynical. I want to believe people don't set out to hurt other people and if they do, it's from a place of hurt and responding in a negative manner only deepens their own issues.

So yes, maybe I don't mind being hopelessly optimistic or naive or a punk sometimes. Maybe I don't mind looking stupid because i'll rather not lash out or fight back. But that's my prerogative. So tell me...why can't I just have it?

2011-03-14T20:09:00.000Z

Respect. It's one of those things. A slippery slope. It's something that isn't necessarily discussed all the time, but something that we all expect- albeit mostly unconsciously from our relationships.

It starts from self respect. How highly do you rate yourself? What do you think you deserve from life? How important do you think you are...to earth?

Loss of respect always starts from the beginning of compromise. How much you're willing to compromise is often how much respect you're willing to lose (or in few cases gain). It's always hard to tell what effect our actions have directly on respect in real time. It's often better appreciated in retrospect.

Everytime you do something outside of your morality of principle meter, you are losing respect for yourself because you are saying the action is greater than you. Invariably, people respect you less. It's all very complicated. Respect. But oh so important. It makes the difference between a feminist and a prostitute. A mean boss and a hardworker.

Self-respect. I need to bottle the formula for that.

I'm in COMPANY magazine this month!

2011-03-12T08:07:00.001Z

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-company-magazine-feature.html#links

yay!

2011-03-08T15:16:00.000Z

Patience is the first step on the path of wisdom. Patience is the only step on that path. The ability to stop when you're angry and not react off that emotion. The ability to assume there's another side to the story. The ability to just wait until a viable solution to a problem comes up. Patience. I don't have it. At all. I am very very impatient. Sometimes I get so angry, my hands shake...I feel like I can see the anger. The literal red anger cloud in front of my eyes and I yell so loudly and cry and react. I feel like I HAVE to react.

I'm an eternal pessimist. Instead of projecting good and positive, I spend time imagining how bad anything can go and how painful it would be.

I want to be patient. But how? Lately i feel like i'm a little more patient. I feel like I want to say something, but I hold it off till it doesn't seem quite so important to say it anymore. My tongue must be filled with the scars of biting my tongue.My chest dark from all the negative emotion I've been suppressing. But it's ok because theres a bigger aim here.

Wisdom.

The Break-Up Outfit

2011-03-08T15:10:00.001Z

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/2011/03/break-up-outfit.html#links

FASHION WISDOM: Law and Creativity: The Chicken or the Egg?

2011-03-02T11:07:00.000Z

FASHION WISDOM: Law and Creativity: The Chicken or the Egg?: "“Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.”- Mark Twain me, law graduation number 2. What is the link betwe..."

2011-03-01T08:18:00.000Z

Sometimes life is simple. You wake up, eat, sleep, laugh, work, chill with people you love, sleep and start over again. Sometimes it's complicated. A lot of the time it's complicated. Sometimes actions speak louder than words so the words and actions are very loud but they still don't tell you what you want to know.

You really want to know what it means, if it means something.

You really want to know if the path is worth it, if you should risk getting hurt, if it's all for nothing.

You want to see yourself through the eyes of someone else. Something else. Are you as perfect as they say? Is everything as good as it seems?

You want to see inside someone else. You don't want to judge their actions. You don't want to listen to their words. You want to look inside. You want to know. You don't want to listen, guess, judge, you want to know.

It's complicated. Even when you find the simple path. Even when you laugh, even when you're happy or heartbrokenly sad, its complicated. It always is.

2011-02-27T19:16:00.000Z

Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can stay bubbling under the surface, threatening to burst out. It can be so overwhelming that you literally go insane from the feeling. I've been so angry sometimes that I felt like i would explode. But i don't think anger is a dangerous emotion because it makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. Lots of emotions do that. It's the fact that sometimes it stays buried so deep that you don't even know it's there. And then one day, it springs up on you.

I've been shocked by my anger many times. That buried anger seems to me the start of psychopath behavior. When you smile and look calm on the outside but you're really sharpening knives in your mind. You can't bring it up, because you're probably angry about an incident that has passed. Something you should be 'over'. So you live with it, pretend it doesn't exist. Live with it in the hope that it would dissapear.

But what if it doesn't? What happens when you explode?

Check out my new blog

2011-02-27T16:55:00.003Z

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/

It's italian for 'fashion wisdom' and looks at different ideas from a fashion angle, so it's not just about fashion!

Enjoy.

xx

2011-02-15T18:46:00.000Z

What are you afraid of?

Getting shot. Never getting rid of my insecurities. Never becoming successful. Never becoming rich.

What are you afraid of?

Letting people know what i'm afraid of. Really letting them get into my head. My soul. Knowing me.

What are you afraid of?
Always being afraid. Never becoming uncrippled.

What are you afraid of?
Remaining positive to the point of delusion. Becoming negative to the point of not being able to recognise what's positive anymore.

What are you afraid of?
Floating. Constantly floating with no anchor. Fleeting moments of happiness punctuating a wall of perpetual sadness.

What are you afraid of?
myself.

Love.

2011-02-13T10:47:00.000Z

Relationships with people are important, but no relationship is as important as the one with yourself. A lot of people don't realise this, but most of us realise it and choose to forget it anyway. There's this constant struggle to be something other people want us to be. We want to change the way we are, compromise so we can be acceptable to the people around us. How many times does a girl become someone totally different because of a guy? How many times does she compromise, settle and accept stuff that she normally finds abominable so there would be a chance that a guy likes her more, stays with her?

If there's one thing i've learnt, it's this. You have to love yourself first. You have to have acceptable and unacceptable, you have to be completely comfortable with the person you are. That way, when you are a fully formed person, you don't need someone to 'make you a better person', you are already comfortable with the person you are. The only thing someone can do is make you WANT to improve YOURSELF. Not improve you. Change should always come from within. If you don't love yourself, or you have flawed emotions towards yourself, you can only give flawed love. You always think you're loving more, when you love someone else, but you're only loving as much as you can yourself. And sometimes, its negative because you're idolizing another person above yourself. You are saying 'you are more worthy of my love than I am'.

We all want to be more confident, more patient, more understanding, have more wisdom. These things start from love. People always think they don't have love in their life, because they are waiting for someone else to bring it. If you love yourself, you always have love in your life and love invites love, so it's a win-win situation.

Love yourself.

2011-02-04T16:53:00.000Z

Lying to one's self. That's the biggest crime isn't it? self- deceit. In Dante's poem he said that basically the highest level of hell is for those that lie to themselves. But if that's true, isn't that where everyone ends up? Because we all lie to ourselves. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes, it's just that one lie. That one big lie that we've told ourselves so long that it's practically become the truth.

I lie to myself. A lot. But Off course when you lie, you have to invent a whole long-winded bullshit theory to go with your lie. I have so many bullshit theories, I wonder which of them is based on lie and which has any basis in truth or actual belief.

Like morality is over-rated? What does that even mean. Morality is morality. Morality is necessary and the only people that think it's over-rated are people that are immoral. It's funny how when I want to justify my theories, I go to extremes and talk to people that I would condemn on a normal day. Suddenly, i'm spilling stuff about humans being imperfect and other people being judgmental and how noone should point fingers. Bullshit basically.

I know in a twisted way, we need to lie to ourselves sometimes. If only to maintain sanity. However, I want to stop lying to myself. First, about my expectations. I expect more. I deserve more. I need to stop lying to myself that mediocre is enough, because it isn't. So in the interest of putting things to paper in order to overcome them:

Lies I tell myself and often believe:
1. I don't believe in relationships- yes. relationships are hard. People act like nastier versions of themselves. Pain is intensified by 5000. It's hard to believe, when so many people choose to act like dicks in general. In all honesty, I do. It's the reason I watch One Tree Hill for goodness sake. That show is all love and cheese. I believe whole-heartedly in relationships, and I believe that once I stop choosing dicks, I'll have a chance at being in one.

2. Morality is over-rated. Everytime I spit this line, check- i'm probably doing something immoral. In life there IS black and white and while the lines blur on occasion, and people usually have justifications for doing bad things. There is morality. It just exists and over-rated or not, something bad is something bad.

2011-01-22T11:11:00.000Z

Coming to the realisation that someone you care about doesn't care about you is hard. I think as humans, our brains tend to function in terms of actions rather than emotion. That is, if someone does this, this and this then they care. If they do this, this and this, then they don't. I think this is really really false. Don't get me wrong- actions definitely show emotion, but are not always the correct indication.

For example, think of the way most people treat family. You love your family to bits but often take them for granted. Many people will say they will die for any member of their immediate family (jury's still out for that one), but in day to day interaction, they take their family for granted. Not calling as often as they should, not being there as much as they can, etc.

So why do we hold non-family members to a higher standard? Because we are already sure of the family's feelings?

Sometimes actions mean everything. Sometimes actions mean nothing.

2011-01-21T17:29:00.000Z

The problem with black and white is that it doesn't exist. In skin colour or in life issues. Caramel, chocolate, tan...even with people that are so dark, they shine, I've never met someone with black skin. And even on the palest of complexions, never white skin.

So in a world where people are constantly classified as black or white,despite the facts that these colours do not exist on people, why do we expect situations to be black or white. Even when there are no shades of grey, there are shades of brown and almost nothing is exact and straightforward. In reading authors like Jodi Picoult, I' ve come to see the distinct emotional reasoning behind every situation. Even the law recognises this, which is why people can be charged either for manslaughter or murder for the same act of killing. Its always the intent that shapes a situation, rather than the actual outcome.

Let go of black and white notions. It clouds judgement. Actually, it creates judgement where there should be none. I can think of a few of my friends who would do good to stop judging things so harshly and just consider things strictly on their merit.

2011-01-21T12:07:00.000Z

Shame. I hate feeling ashamed. Embarrased. They aren't necessarily the same thing, but one seems to follow the other. We all have this image of ourselves that we need to protect. And whenever we do something to destroy that image. It's hard. It's always harder when I do something that hurts myself. People hurting me is bearable. Understandable. They are human, they can only hurt. But can I apply that to myself? I am human so I can only hurt...myself?

Shame. When the shame passes, everything is fine. Everything else pales in comparison. Because if you don't respect yourself? what do you have?

2011-01-19T14:54:00.000Z

I've stopped searching myself. I know what's inside and I don't want to confront it. On some level, I know what i'm doing. I know all the things i'm doing wrong. I see what's negative about who i've become. But I don't want to confront it. Because I don't feel strong enough. It's weird. I believe i'm worthy of being this strong smart person. But i'm scared to actually become that person. So she stays in my head and I watch the shadow live. I know who I am truly. For all my faults, I've always been proud of me. Lately, I don't know. All i seem to do now is develop philosophies to justify the unjustifiable. Is that what becoming an adult is about? Being afraid? Starting to 'realise' that life is not perfect? That people do things they never thought they would?

It's funny how principles weaken as we grow older, because we grow into the idea that any expectation of perfection is 'naive'. That childlike believe that anything is possible is replaced with stability, failure and fear. Expectations. Let's not forget expectations. I'm frozen in this place where I can't move forward because I don't want to face up to the present. Hours pass, days pass, weeks, months. And I feel like I can't start that process of self- realisation. Because i'm afraid. Because i'm an adult and there are all these expectations. Because all my dreams cannot actually come true. Because I would have to be strong. And I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to believe in anything. I just want to be cynical and stuck. In this limbo-like place. Afraid.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-17T12:27:00.000Z

With the number of posts ive written in my head, i find it weird that I havent actually updated my blog in the new year! Happy New Year!

I bought a domain name and everything, it took ages to set it up and THEN I decided to upgrade something. Utter disaster. So now im back to zero. I have no idea what possessed me to buy it in the first place.

I'm skinny! Well not skinny, slim. For the first time in 6 years, I have my 26 inch waist back. Overly excited. It feels really really good! I get slightly annoyed that people just start up conversations with me about their weight. It's like, its ok to ask me if I did anything and if I have any tips, but don't start a random conversation telling me what dress size you are and how much you weigh. What am I supposed to say?

This year i'm going to become a free-lance writer. I dont know how though! Who knows how???

I'm going to find a new obsession, instead of heartbreak and heartache and boys. Seriously- there's more to life (or is there really?)

Just a quick post checking in! Be back soon

xx

Happy Holidays

2010-12-26T20:25:00.000Z

I hate holidays. The same way I hate birthdays and graduation. There's just this over-whelming sense of 'have fun' that makes me feel under pressure. I just want to chill. I was going to spend Christmas alone, but apparently that's a no-no. Answering the question 'what are you doing'? was met with gasps and invitations to random family lunches. On Christmas day, I had a stomach-ache. I just wanted to spend my whole day in bed with a hot water bottle. But I smiled and helped with food and made conversation and called people, because that's what you do on Christmas day. Truthfully, I'm glad it's over and I can't wait to settle into the new year.

What's up with this snow? I'm so frigging bored of it right now. I want heat. I want to dress for summer. I want to go outside and not slip on ice. I want my fingers to not feel like they are falling off after 10 minutes. Sigh.

I clearly need love in my life. Maybe the fat guy that comes down the chimney (not that I have one, but I'm sure he uses windows too) left me a belated present. Love in the new year.

Of Everybody

2010-12-21T08:30:00.003Z

What is with this concept of everybody? If you've ever studied sociology or any such behavioural module, you'll notice that the concept of 'everybody' is very important. Because everybody creates social norms and from a really young age, we are taught that to follow what is accepted by 'everybody' is what is right and good, and if you're not like everybody, you're crazy. In fact, there's increasing research from behavioural economics that shows that parents and parenting have little to do with the way a child turns out and in fact peer group and society has more to account for actions of kids. 'Everybody'.

Imagine the struggle against racism without Martin Luther King Jr or South African history without Nelson Mandela. This concept of 'everybody' really bugs me, because one person can effect a massive change that sometimes everybody cannot do. Hitler started a frigging war. This Jewish man successfully brainwashed people into thinking that all Jews were bad! He was Jewish for goodness sake!! But still- this one person was so powerful that in two years he had murdered thousands and thousands of people. One person. Do you know that one person invented bin bags? Yes, its crazy, but one man did it- black bin bags, and today bin bags are a natural part of the kitchen. One person.

I use these popular examples because I need everyone to think about being someone. One person. Have you ever thought your idea was crazy because it wasn't what everyone did? Our daily lives are guided by 'everybody' principles. Anyone that thinks differently has a negative label- 'hippy', 'conspiracy theorist', etc.

Forget biblical moral principles- 'everybody' created another one. So now yes, sex is not bad, but if you have sex and collect something afterwards- that's different. It's prostitution. Now I'm not debating sex, in fact I'm veering off topic. This is my point: don't be stuck in the mind-frame of 'everybody'. Don't be afraid to test out your crazy idea. Live your life the way YOU believe it should be. Ignore some rules and make your own. At the end of the day, it's your happiness that matters. Be selfish- think like SOMEBODY and believe me, if you believe in something hard enough and long enough, other people would start believing too.

Dear Life...

2010-12-20T08:43:00.003Z

Hi. Do you enjoy chilling? Do you like spending your days doing nothing? Good. I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far, because it's not happening anymore. Today is the first day of the new era. No, we are NOT waiting for the first of January because today is as good a day as any. How do you feel looking back and realising that so much time has passed without you doing ANYTHING!

Well life, its not happening anymore. Kiss Lazy goodbye.

Love.

It was my birthday...

2010-12-15T20:42:00.002Z

...yesterday. I spent most of the last year for other people. Crying, obsessing, moulding myself to be something for someone else. This year is for me. Selfish. Because what better time to be selfish than your twenties?

It was my graduation...today. Now I have no excuse to bum around anymore. I need to get off my cute backside and develop some focus in my life!

Too Much Information (sidebar- no edit)

2010-12-10T16:04:00.002Z

The first time information proved to be negative was in the garden of eden when Adam and Eve ate fruit from the tree of knowledge. They realised they were naked- but get this- they weren't any more or less naked than they were before they ate the fruit. But suddenly they were aware and ashamed about something that was ignorant bliss before.

Information is over-rated. We feel like we need to know everything about everything. You can't be friends with someone if you don't 'know' them. In your relationship, you have to 'know'. We are suddenly programmed to like, to accept, to be happy only AFTER we know.

Ask anyone- would you like to know if your partner was cheating? A resounding majority will say 'yes'. But why? because that implies the person is a lying bastard. It's the ultimate betrayal of trust. But get this- before you knew, you were happy. Completely happy. And you trusted the person completely. You didn't always know where they were or what they were doing, but you slept well at night. Your relationship was perfect. Then you 'know' and then your relationship breaks up, your heart breaks and your faith in humans is tainted. And off course, knowledge becomes your watch word. Next time, you want to know.

I don't know if I can ever revert to the person that didn't need to 'know'everything. But unfortunately, I do. And let me tell you what i've figured. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is happiness. And no ignorance doesn't make you stupid. It gives you peace of mind, it makes you sleep at night. It may not be the 'right' way to think. But which would you rather be? Right or happy. Oh wait- I know what you think, why can't you be right AND happy? Because were always searching for happiness. It's always going to happen at some point. When you're in the right relationship, when you finish your course, when you find THE ONE. But happiness should be now. I've not always been with people that wanted to marry me, but i've been with people that treated me better than engaged people. But off course why would I be happy with someone that didn't see me as their future?

It's the inflated self- worth perpetuated mainly by girls. 'he's not worth it', 'abeg you need someone to treat you better'. But on balance, when you're with someone what's important? All the bad things they do? (because we all do bad things) or whether or not it would lead to marriage or that you're happy at that particular time?

And the person that thinks like this is who i am. The person that starts looking for all the reasons why the person i'm with is wrong is who I become after I talk to my friends.

So in business- maybe knowledge is good. But in relationships, maybe its better to walk around naked without realising that you're naked, than to hastily sew together leaves to cover yourself so you can subscribe to the happiness that comes after knowledge.

Love...on TV

2010-12-03T13:52:00.003Z

Love on tv is always so simple. It's a feeling that doesn't have to be based on anything concrete. Heck, its a feeling that doesn't have to be based on anything. Just well positioned 30 seconds here and there with their faces in close proximity and hey! Love.

Maybe that's why I love rom-coms. Some people like stories about vampires and wizards. I like stories about love. It's all fantasy right?

I don't know what love is. I don't know if I've felt it. And no- don't say if you have you know, because I've been with many people that felt like the centre of my universe at the time. They had my heart, head, entire being until they didn't. Does that still qualify?

When people last forever. Is it because of love? or is it just a combination of various factors like say timing- or just the desire to make an effort?

I don't know. All I know is I love love on TV.

Yay- My short story got published on bellanaija

2010-11-26T13:53:00.000Z

http://www.bellanaija.com/2010/11/25/bn-prose-by-dami-o-no-boys/

'famzing'

2010-11-23T23:46:00.002Z

The thing I dont get about social networking is this- let's use twitter: you sign up and leave your account open (given that you have the option to restrict followers) and then you get mad at 'random' people that follow you. What did you leave it open for? Ok fair enough some weirdos exist and everything- but I don't think someone gets to be labelled a loser because they happened to find you funny.

I see it in a lot of social interaction- in person and online and I'm sorry to say mainly among Nigerians. I would like to make the social change- but hey! Who likes to be called a familiar loser behind their back?

2010-11-17T19:52:00.002Z

Thank you guys for the concern on my last post! It was something I found on my phone and hadn't posted. It's apparent that I think a hell of a lot. I'm not always sad though. I'm actually a pretty happy person. I'm not cynical- wait actually maybe a little. It's just early 20s are when everythings so hard. So many decisions to make. There's a way the world tells you things are supposed to go- but theres a way you want them to go. Then you wonder if you're being stupid because you are the only one in the world that has the opinion you do. But overwhelmingly, theres this fear that everything is going to go wrong. And you're scared to try because if you don't try, then at least it's out of your control.

You won't be successful.

You will be 35 and single.

You will be married and not able to have kids.

You will be in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

You won't make as much money as you want.

You will be alone.

It's easier to say 'let go' than to actually do it. Sometimes you have to make that conscious effort every hour.

'Let go. Don't try to control things you can't control. All you can do is all you can do. The anticipation is always worse. Don't care what anyone says if you're truly happy. Don't ask everyone for advice. Sometimes there's no right or wrong answer. It's just life. Let go. Live. Breathe. Let go.'

Smile.

2010-11-14T08:54:00.001Z

They see me smile. That's what I want them to see. Or maybe that's what they want to see. Who wants to explore the inner sorrows-hidden pains. Who wants to see you weep when they can watch you smile. Smile with you. Happy. We're all happy. My laughter is loud. As loud as the voice in my head. The one that screams 'you're lonely' 'you're a fake'. The one that tells me to break down-or give up, but do something. Something, anything. Stop the pretence-why are u living a lie. Who cares if they see you break down-if u wear your pain on ur sleeve. Now introducing-the summer line called depression. I care-they care. Noone wants to be put through that. Uncomfortable silences and empty 'aaws' 'I get it'. No you don't. Why should you. Why do I still expect it.

Smile. Plaster it. Layer it thick. Smile-thru the pain. Smile. It doesn't matter how you feel-what they see. Just smile.

Fear

2010-10-31T10:45:00.002Z

She was afraid. Always afraid. Of anything. Of everything. She didn't share her opinion, because she was afraid she was wrong. She didn't send of her stories because she was afraid they were bad. She didn't share her ideas because she was afraid it was wrong. She didn't say how she felt because she was afraid she was the only one that felt that way. She didn't do anything- learn anything because she was afraid.

Then one day, something miraculous happened. She gave her opinion and it was met with respect. She shared an idea and they loved it. She sent a story and it was published. She said how she felt and they got together. She learnt many things, did many things, because she stopped being afraid.

The only thing worse than fear is fear itself.

2010-10-26T22:46:00.002+01:00

There comes a point where they stop listening. You're still talking, but they are not listening anymore. And it's in that moment you know, its over.

The 'Truth' Hurts

2010-10-21T13:52:00.003+01:00

Have you ever wondered why 'honesty'is always negative? If someone gives you two versions of events- one positive and one negative, why are you more inclined to believe the negative version? Its crazy when I hear 'the truth hurts'- why? Why does it ALWAYS have to hurt?

Why can't the truth just be positive?

Why is it that people that herald themselves as 'truth speakers' are usually negative? And why do we always take their word as the truth?

Truth is- the truth isn't always negative. It's have all perceptive- just look at bella naija comments about people that achieved something to see people saying nonsense like 'I read her book- its no big deal', 'the grammar in this story is horrible' 'my tailor can make that outfit'. Then why are you sitting on bellanaija instead of using that critique to produce something better?

I'm tired of all this negativity being named as truth. Let's change perceptive or learn to be constructive in our criticism. 'I'm just being honest' isn't enough of a justification for being a 'hater' and generalized statements like 'the truth hurts' mean as much as saying 'all black people steal' and we know how true that is.

kmt.

Day 1: Letter to my Best Friend.

2010-10-09T19:30:00.003+01:00

Dear Best Friend,

We have hour long conversations about how we hate talking on the phone. Sometimes when I have nothing to say and the last thing I want to do is talk, I call you. I don't really feel like something has happened until I talk to you about it and see it through your eyes. Sometimes when I do something and I can't tell you about it, that's when I know it's wrong- So you're my conscience. You met me at a point where I was literally a broken haphazard mess and somehow you saw past it. And I've been all sorts of crazy since I've known you, but somehow you've always managed to see past it to the 'real' me that I don't always see.

I've learnt so much- about myself, about friendship, about life from knowing you. You know me so well. Sometimes I underestimate just how much and then I realise that even when I'm lying to myself about what I'm feeling, you know exactly what's true.

I don't know if we're always going to be close. Who knows these things? But I know that I've needed you most during these years that you've been my best friend. And beyond my family, my relationship with you is the singular most important relationship in my life.

So I guess what I really just want to say is thank you.

I love you.

Love,
Me.

2010-10-09T19:27:00.002+01:00

On Sugabelly's blog, She put this up;

basically, you're supposed to write a letter to the following people:

Day 1 — Your best friend.
Day 2 — Your crush.
Day 3 — Your parents.
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams.
Day 6 — A stranger.
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 — The person you miss the most.
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 — The last person you kissed.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror.

I find this intriguing, because sometimes when you write letters, you discover thoughts and feelings you didnt even realise you had. So my next post is...

2010-10-07T21:28:00.002+01:00

I love unsuitable men. Point me to a commitment-phobe-sweet-talking-likely to cheat-and therefore lie- you're fun but I'll never fall in love with you guy and I'll hurl into his arms with beyonce's 'why don't you love me' playing in the background.

I know. It's a complete cliché. I'm not alone. But I think there's a method to my madness.

I don't believe in relationships. On any given day, I can pick an aspect of relationships that I resolutely don't believe in and break it down, analyse it and explain with charts and graphs why I don't believe.

Today, I'm going to settle on the more general- I don't believe in relationships.

More than I don't believe in relationships, I don't believe in myself in a relationship.

Usually, I'm a normal person. Maybe a little too loud, a bit cold, but normal. Put emotions in me and I become a crazy sabotaging psycho.

Now- if I pick an unsuitable guy who is going to mess up and leave anyway, then I can sit back in twisted satisfaction and say- 'see, its not my fault, guys always mess up and relationships are bullshit anyway.'

It's so funny how you can take yourself through unnecessary pain and drama in the interest of 'self-protection'.

Then again life is a paradox. And I've never claimed to have it all figured out.

2010-10-05T19:22:00.002+01:00

I want the kind of love people write about. Sing about. Blog about. The kind that rom-coms are built on. The kind that every romance book is about. The kind that is a fantasy.

The kind that doesn't exist.

Retraction

2010-10-02T17:44:00.002+01:00

I'm here to print a retraction. The post about trust being overrated before? I lied. To myself.

Trust makes you sleep at night and go through the day. We NEED to trust. Imagine a world without trust? You wouldn't be able to go to bed for fear that the 'secure' lock isn't as secure as advertised. You won't be able to form new relationships- friends or lovers, because you would never believe anything.

You'll constantly feel like everyone/ everything is out to get you.

Lack of trust= paranoia.

Paranoia= bad life.

I was wrong before.

Trust is definitely rated where it should be.

2010-09-29T20:06:00.002+01:00

To me...Trust is overrated. Trustworthiness, like love- in the 'purest' form, does not exist. It does not need to exist. We trust, not because we want to, but because we need to.

You go on a ride on an amusement park because the amusement park claims that it's safe. That is trust. You choose to believe that someone is where they say they are, because it's easier. Choosing to trust makes life easy and if you ask anyone that's been up all night or consumed with anxiety because they couldn't trust, they'll tell you. Trust is hard.

Until recently, I live in this dream world where I believed in 'betrayal' and silly concepts that ultimately rely on fairytale perfect behaviour. But once again, I've learnt that we are human (I tend to forget this a lot) and we can't be perfect. Ans we're not supposed to be perfect. Sometimes we need to come out of this world where we think 'if you love me, you won't hurt me' and 'I can trust you with my life'. Your life is your life, why do you need to trust someone with it?

Remember when God said 3 things endure- faith, hope and love? I don't remember 'trust' being there.

I'm not sure what I ranted about. My point is this.

Trust is overrated.

2010-09-27T07:29:00.002+01:00

I wish i was fearless. I read this:

"There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the real ones. The ones where you like to talk, to play, to argue, and to fuck. The ones where you can’t stand each other and can’t stand to be apart from one another at the same time. The ones where you each have your own life, but you allow each other to enrich them instead of control them. The ones where you switch off being needy and desperate but generally are equally obsessed. The ones where you feel secure but not bored, where you are just as excited about the conversation you have during dinner as the sex you’ll have afterwards. You’ve seen each other bitchy, whiny, ugly, tired, sick and you still want each other desperately. It’s the ones where you know that neither of you is perfect, but you’re perfect for each other."

source- http://www.sincesheleft.com/

And it made me realise that someone doesn't have to treat you badly for you to not be with them. We're so scared of everything, because we're taught that settling is the better option. Scared to chase dreams. Scared to leave a wrong relationship. Scared that the crazy business idea is just crazy.

Right now today, maybe I realise that I don't have to settle and my crazy idea might make sense and my dreams can be reality and i can find the right relationship. And i still haven't figured out the relationship formula but I know that feeling unhappy as equally or more than you feel happy is not the right one.

I wish I was fearless.

2010-09-06T11:01:00.003+01:00

After a while, you start to understand who you are. Maybe none of us ever gets complete understanding, maybe we arent even supposed to- because we change, and we grow and then the process has to start again. But sometimes, we start to understand, and that beginning is important- its even enough, for a while.

I read my old diaries. I didnt like how similar i was to the person I used to be. Narcissistic. Thats one way I've always wanted to be different. To come out of my head and realise that the world- even my world, isnt solely about ME. There are other views, thoughts, feelings. What I want isn't always what matters. Because we all want. We all need. We all want someone to be something to us. But my wants and needs do not exist in isolation. I can't have my own expectations without realising that other people have expectations too.

So i'm only starting to understand myself. And accept myself. And realise that this world doesnt spin for me.

Relationship 503 feat @playbackgenius

2010-08-23T17:34:00.005+01:00

I read somewhere before that a healthy relationship is like a three course meal-it leaves you so satisfied, that no matter what anyone else offers you, you are uninterested because you're so full. Now this may be true sometimes, but we all know there are some greedy ass people who will still accept more food. And yes, it may not taste as good as the delicious three course meal, but that doesn't mean it tastes bad. It doesn't mean it tastes bad at all!!!

So the age-long question-why do people cheat? Now I'm so tempted to ask 'why do guys cheat'-but maybe we all know everyone cheats and the guys get found out-because girls are not careless like that-just saying.

So why do 'people' cheat? Here's what @playbackgenius has to say...

Why Have a Snack when you got a Proper Meal?
That’s a typical question mothers ask their kids when they don’t want to eat amala and ewedu for dinner. However, this isn’t about food it’s about relationships, with a proper meal being what you have with your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse and a snack being that person you just gotta have even if it means you’re gonna be cheating.
Relationships are wonderful, they can also be headache. You deal with your girlfriend’s mood swings and your boyfriends inconsistency in making calls, or in this era PINGING! But nothing hurts more than to find out that your significant other has gone out for a snack, or bite.... (Ok that doesn’t right).
Sex plays an important role in relationships. For some, it’s the most important aspect of a relationship. A relationship without sex would be like strapping a hungry man to a chair and putting a plate of food a few meters away from him. For others, sex is just the icing on the cake. If there wasn’t much sex they wouldn’t stop falling in love (BLEH!!)
So why do people cheat? Men and women have sexual demands which they feel must be satisfied, and if they can’t get it from their partners they get it from someone else. This might sound selfish but as humans we all have individual demands, most of which are self serving. Sometimes we genuinely would love to remain faithful to our spouse but then we fall to the overwhelming power of sexual lusts that we forget about him/her for those precious 2 minutes.... or more.
Hmmm, but then again what could generate these ‘selfish’ demands? I’ll break it down into two parts: Starvation and Greed.
Picture a girl in a relationship with this dude. She feels he’s the one. However, homeboy ain’t always around when it’s -10 degrees outside and she’s all alone licking her ice-cream with Bruno (the golden retriever), watching Grey’s Anatomy. Her man is always busy with work, or worse he’s not within close proximity aka it’s long distance thing. Her sexual cravings increase. She goes out with her girlfriends one night to a bar, meets this dude, they start talking and once the night’s over, they stop by the convenience store to buy a box of condoms. They both get into her house and she can’t wait for them to get into the bedroom. Six hours after doing the nasty the house looks like Armageddon just happened. The girl in this scenario is starved. Her sexual escapades or lack of pushes her to go do something she probably wouldn’t have if her partner was available.
This dude on the other hand has a sexually active relationship but his homeboys come through telling him that he’s lost his pimp game, he doesn’t hang around with the fellas anymore, and he’s a sucker for love, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, this girl in class has been giving him ‘the look’ from day one and her backside isn’t looking bad at all (yes boss). His professor decides to put the both of them in a team for a particular project which means they’ll get more periods spent together, most times in her private residence where she feels more comfortable wearing her t-shirts without a bra . It doesn’t take long before the inner pimp asks him “umm dude when, when are you gonna tap that?” O_o

I’m going to point out here that snacks are not meant to replace a meal but if you think one has nothing to with the other, try a portion of dumplings at wagamama and tell me if you jump on your katsu curry with as much enthusiasm afterwards.

Whatever the case is, cheating is cheating and it could leave your partner hurt, or even the both of you. Some relationships survive after a cheating experience. A lot of them don’t. Successful relationships are built through good communication, trust and the ‘S’ word......Sacrifice. A little snack every now and then might taste good, but it can’t replace what you get from a proper meal. And if it does, maybe being a relationship is really your thing.

2010-08-23T17:34:00.001+01:00

It’s not fair, Eve had it easy. She opened her eyes and there was a beautiful naked man beside her who she just happened to be made for. He was already in love with her so no analysing if he was really going to meet her next to the stream when he said so, or if he really meant it when he invited her to eat some grapes.

She didn’t have to analyse how he felt the morning after he saw her naked- and what bodily insecurities could she have had? She was vegan for goodness sake. Ok so she might have been a little gassy, but that body was definitely amazing.

Sigh.

ilovetights.tumblr.com

2010-08-09T20:33:00.001+01:00

For those of you that dont know- I have another blog, check it out:

ilovetights.tumblr.com

Thanks for all the comments on my last post.

xxx

2010-08-07T12:20:00.002+01:00

I want someone to tell me what to do. Up till now, life has been pretty much straightforward. You do a levels to get into uni, you do uni, you do masters, then what? Its really really hard trying to make decisions for myself- Before I started masters, I secretly wished that I'd fall in love and then take the next direction in my life based on where his life was going. I just hate being at this 'adult' stage where I have sole control of my life. OK truthfully, I've had a lot of control for a while- but there have always been people with strong opinions to pull me in different directions. Now, there are no more opinions, there's just me. Mine. And I don't know what I want to do.

confused.com

xxx

The 30 Day Challenge

2010-07-26T11:47:00.001+01:00

Here's the deal- im lazy. Like super lazy. Like if you looked up the word in the dictionary, my name would be there with a picture. I am incredibly lazy. Ok- im sure now you get the drift. And quite honestly, im pretty sick of it. I'm well versed in the art of chatting shit and making it sound good, so over the years i've spun a variety of excuses to justify how lazy I am- how little i'm doing with my life. But now the excuses are starting to sound feeble to my ears, and even though, they've sounded like that to other people for a while, now that I can hear it- I HAVE to do something. I'm 21. Im not going to go into some sort of 'i'm old' panic, because i'm still pretty young. However, I'm not a baby anymore and there's noone telling me how to live my life anymore- so I have to make some changes. And this is where the 30 day challenge comes in.

Have you ever heard that long thing that says 'your actions become habits and habits become character...'. Well I hope there's some truth there because I read somewhere else that it takes about 30 days for an action to become a habit. So the 30 day challenge is about doing things for 30 days that I would like to become habits and then those habits can make me a better person and actually make my life a little more worthwhile.

So here we go:

1. Exercise everyday- I pretty much do this already, theres no harm in reinforcing it tho.

2. Sleep Early, Wake up early- I've never read a success story that started with 'I used to roll out of bed at noon- whatever time I wanted really'. This sleep thing is really something I want because a good night's sleep for me is the exception, not the norm. I wake up a lot and it's hard to get to sleep in the first place. But maybe if I force my body into some kind of submission, sleeping would be easier.

3. Write everyday- I do this already actually, but the way i've been doing it is not going to get me published. I need to start being disciplined and write even when i'm not 'inspired', even when I don't feel like, then maybe I can actually start something and finish.

4. To that end, i'm blogging everyday.

5. 6 hours of dissertation (at least) daily. This is a no- brainer really, I'm not exactly trying to fail my masters.

6. No baggage- by this I mean, no wasting my time with people that are not going to give back what I give. So i'm not going to be calling the friend that often forgets to return calls, and instead call the ones whose calls I forget to return. It's kind of ironic how we (humans) love to make life more complex, more painful for ourselves that it needs to be. We ignore happiness in search of pain and rejection. Well me I dont want- because pain, sadness, all that bad stuff actually seeps into other areas of your life, makes you less productive. It's the reason why sometimes I just want to sleep for 3 hours in the daytime or watch some movie ive seen many times before. Happiness takes practice, but with happiness, the need to escape grows less and with no need to escape, you find other productive things to do with your time.

7. Job Applications daily- the earlier financial independence starts, the more successful, you are likely to be. (this is my commonsense logic- feel free to disagree)

I think 7 things is plenty. There are ONLY 24 hours in a day. Today I woke up early, i've gone for a run, ive blogged- therefore I have written. 30 day challenge? This is going to be a breeze.

ps- I know im not the only bum in blogsphere- so go on- start your own 30 day challenge!

xxx

2010-07-11T14:35:00.002+01:00

What if you cant have it all? What if they lied to us? Our parents- the motivational speakers- our friends- movies- books- life. What if everything was a lie? What if you cant have it all? This perfectly rounded, world accepted view of happiness and contentment. Of right and wrong. I'm sure if we ask the 53 year old single woman who divorced her husband when she was 36 because he cheated on her, she might agree that infidelity is not the ultimate crime and even if it was- being alone night after night is a bigger crime. Because how can we expect perfect happiness when we are ourselves imperfect? How can we give perfect love when we ourselves do not have the ability to be perfect.

Maybe 'perfect' is too strong a word, because many would say that they dont strive for perfection- they strive for contentment. Contentment then. At what point do you choose to accept being content, without feeling like you're settling. At what point do you say- this is what I need, so im going to stop. Its like life is like a game of deal or no deal. You decide early on that once you get enough money to pay your mortgage, or pay for a holiday or have that surgery, you would accept the bankers offer and walk away. But then the banker offered you an amount you thought you could be content with, and you go on playing anyway because those numbers on the board taunt you- tell you that you CAN have more. And sometimes you do get more. But just as often, you dont. But how do YOU know when to stop. Whats the meter that you get in your head or heart that tells you- no more. Be content. Let go. Stop hoping. Let go. Let go.

Because the truth is there is no meter. You have to decide. Theres no having it all. You choose what you can cope with. You prioritise. You can have some. Then at some random point (which isnt pre-determined, which you have to decide) you decide- this is enough. And it is at that point that 'enough' becomes 'all'.

Life is hard.

When You See Me

2010-05-08T09:25:00.001+01:00

Don't be that person. The person who gets hurt when people switch. You are you and I am me. Let them fall out-of lust and like. It happens. Its not you its me. That's what they say. Accept maybe it is you. Maybe not totally-partly. Don't listen to them when they lie and tell you your perfect. Tell you to wait for the person who sees the imperfections as perfect. Maybe that's not what I need. Maybe I don't want you to think my flaws are beautiful. Flaws are flaws. Let's accept what is ugly as ugly. But let's see past the ugliness. But I did-i did wait. I did find you-elusive creature that saw the flaws. Does it matter if you accept the ugly and find beauty somewhere else? Does that create some kind of life balance? The truth is simple really. I don't care about the adjectives. Beauty. Ugly. I want beyond the adjectives. I want you to reach to my core. The inner solitude. Past all the layers of pain and sad-happy all the time-locked in my head pretence. The layers of searching-hoping this time I'll find me. The layers of tears, acceptance, longing for that elusive comfort that I've heard another human can provide.

So when you look at me-my priority is not for the things you see. Physically. Or the ways I push you away. Taunting your emotions but pulling you close. Hoping you'll reach inside and see me and still stay. Its not if I look good naked or I make you laugh. Its that silent acceptance-that when you look at me, you don't see adjectives or pronouns. You see Me.

Not Quite white...Or Black.

2010-05-07T21:12:00.001+01:00

Grey. Outside and Inside. My heart-my soul. Yes there's blood pumping through my lungs-my veins-but its all grey. Grey blood. Grey emotions. Grey-undecided-unqualified. Not the solitude of white-or the dark anger of black-just grey. Bland-uninteresting-un feeling. Blood pumps, heart beats. Still more grey.

A smile-a word-a message. A flash of red. Or blue. But temporary, before the grey washes it away. Again. A lie from an artist. They can paint you over. Dress you up inside the way you're dressed outside. Coulourful-interesting-not quite bland. A flash of yellow. Maybe not take away all the grey. Grey goes with many colours. Temporary blues, reds, indigo-yellow-orange-green. Happiness and smiles. Dancing in the rain. A warm colourful glow that comes from within-spreads around. Colours so bright, they can't be contained-they break free from the canvas. How could it ever be so grey. The lie ends. The grey returns. Its almost comforting. Grey.

Not quite white. Or black.

Grey.

AM Ramblings

2010-05-07T21:11:00.001+01:00

Delusional. Deluded. I've always thought myself quite rational. But that's what I am. If I met myself, would I like myself? Probably not actually. Its not because I'm not nice. I am-generally. Its not because I'm not funny, or attractive, or smart-all the regular things that people look for in people. I am. But I'm so locked in my head sometimes, that the lines between who I am to me and who I am to other people is extremely blurry. That's just the problem. The fact the I make a distinction between my 'in my head' personality and real life personality. Who am I? I can answer that question in a different way everyday. I guess we are all just a combination of different people. I want to know though. I want to be able to categorically state 'this is who I am'. Sometimes I talk about myself and I think 'this is such crap'. Is this who I am? Really?

Hypocritical. Hypocrite. I feel that way sometimes. I am that person sometimes. I'm so self absorbed, that I don't see that my actions have the ability to hurt other people. I don't think I have that power, but who says its a power. To hurt is not strength, its a fact of life.

Deluded. Delusional. You would think identifying it would be the first step to recovery. Expect. Expectations. Why should I have the right to expect what I don't give. Oh-thats right. I don't have the right.

I think I spend too much time inside my head. I should come out. Sometimes.

Comfort Eating

2010-04-23T08:41:00.002+01:00

For the first time in my life, I think I understand comfort eating. I've never understood it before, because when i'm depressed or just plain sad, my throat closes up and eating is the last thing i can think about. I've realised now that comfort eating comes after depression has been replaced by loneliness. Because loneliness is an empty feeling, you eat to try and fill the space and for a few seconds, it actually feels like the space is smaller. So you eat some more hoping to continue filling the space, and then you start to feel sick. That's when you realise you've gone too far. So you don't just feel physically ill, its mental as well- bcos noone feels good when they've just eaten an insane amount of food they didnt even want. And then the next day, the cycle starts again.

I'm sitting here sipping my lemon and hot water after my run- so no, i'm not comfort eating. I'm just saying now it's an experience i've gone through and maybe one person can identify with the process and trigger a stop.

Loneliness is an emotion- our emotions are part of us. Trying to eat away your emotion is like trying to drink it away. It doesnt work. Learn to live with it and one day you'll wake up and realise its not so lonely anymore!

#inspirationalpost

xxx

Revision and Letting Go

2010-04-11T19:28:00.003+01:00

Things ive done today to avoid revision...

1. eaten
2. studied a different module to the one im supposed to be studying
3. eaten
4. cleaned my kitchen
5. eaten
6. read cosmo
7. created a drop box account (those things are really useful though)
8. listened to new stuff from kate nash (that girl is bloody amazing)
9. eaten
10.edited a chapter from my book
11.writing this post

My exams are in exactly one month. I need to stop with the distractions or im going to be FAT and FAIL. Not a good look for summer!

Getting over someone is a lonely process. Noone wants to listen to it after it's over. I love how everyone shouts 'MOVE ON' 'HES NOT WORTH IT', oh and the most amazing 'THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA'. Wow thanks friend, are you done with the cliches now? I guess I understand it. If a relationship ends, it's likely that it wasn't 'worth it', but why do people always make break ups about the other person? 'HES NOT CRYING ABOUT YOU'. Thats not really the point though is it? The point is that you're hurting and you're looking for a way out of the pain without running away from it. 'STOP THINKING ABOUT IT', im not thinking. im feeling. So yes- my mind actively thinks about other things now. But sadness- its a feeling, not a thought. I know what heals. Time. But that doesnt change the fact that while i'm waiting for it to kick in, i want to talk about the difference between how I felt yesterday and today. How I go for whole hours without feeling anything. How I bump into the new girlfriend and survive- even smile- even make conversation!

I know people think moving on is about name calling 'hes an idiot' 'shes uglier than you', but common- Its about listening, patience- time.

*im sorry i never spell check and stuff- reading stuff just after i write is something ive never really mastered*

Enjoy the sun people!! (the ones that havent seen sun for a while)

xxx

PS...

2010-03-17T12:15:00.001Z

I have a new blog. Most of the people that read this know what I look like anyway, but if you're one of the few that still find me 'anonymous', you may want to maintain that. For everyone else, it's;

ilovetights.tumblr.com.

xxx

I Was A Stalker....

2010-03-17T09:48:00.002Z

Yesterday.
But that person I long for- that person I miss.
That person who I just want to hold me.
That person who I miss just being with for hours and hours- just being, not talking, not doing much of anything- just being.
That person who would hold me while i slept, or wake me with a kiss on my cheek. That person that reached for my hand to cross the street- that reached for my hand just because he could, just because he wanted to...
That person that cooked me meals and made me eat...
That calmed me down when I was upset..
That person that pushed me- forced me to think and do- not to waste my time.
I could have loved that person...

But that person doesnt exist.

Not anymore.

When we think of the past, we have to look at everything. I'm stuck in a place where all I remember is laughing and being happy. All i'm choosing to remember is the moments of perfection. Those days when I was truly undeniably happy.Days when we both were undeniably happy. But thats not all there is. Because if thats all there was, we would still be happy. I wouldn't wait on a train platform- hoping praying that i might see him and just say hi. I wouldnt call just because I missed his voice. I would just be happy.

So I need to let go of this phantom person. He doesnt exist.

I am Nigerian

2010-01-10T19:55:00.000Z

I am Nigerian. I am a fraudster. My life ambition is to trick every innocent person. To deprive them of their hard earned money. Even better if they are foreign. Because I am Nigerian, it is in my blood.

I am Nigerian. I am dishonest. Don't listen to anything I tell you. Its a massive lie. Its in my blood, because I am Nigerian.

I am Nigerian. I am unintelligent. Test me extensively. Ask me to prove intensely small details before I am allowed into your country. Don't invest in extra staff training so that your minions can differentiate between the 6 month applicant who is never coming back and the multiple entry visitor who has an excellent life here and pays less taxes. I want to live in a cramped house in your cold country because I am Nigerian.

I am Nigerian. I am on the watchlist for terrorism with Iran and Yemen. I didn't grow up here. I didn't school here. I didn't become an extremist here. I didn't buy my airline ticket here. I didn't carry a bomb from here. All responsibility was claimed by those responsible. But off course, they didn't notice before,that's its in my blood because I am Nigerian.

I am Nigerian. I am an animal. I have special cramped planes-smaller seats-no leg room, to make the six hour journey across continents. That's all I need-no more than is necessary, because I am less than human, because I am Nigerian.

Treat me like dirt. Make me stand in ridiculous queues and provide unnecessary evidence. Charge me ridiculously for my plane ticket. Treat me like a lesser person. Ask me ridiculous questions. You know what? I will still worship at the foot of the foreigner. I still sell my life possessions and pay agents ridiculous sums of money to get me into a country that is not my own. Cold or hot. English speaking or not. Whether I have to be a janitor even though I have a degree. Anyone else is better than me. Anywhere else is better than here. Because I am Nigerian.

I can't tell you...

2009-11-25T09:50:00.000Z

I can't tell you that it hurts like hell
That just a few weeks ago he said 'I love you' and I wanted to believe it so bad
That I'm not ok-that its not ok
That I can't think about it-you without a knife in my stomach
That what was I supposed to say?
That I wish that my paranoia wasn't perception
That I know that I'm powerless to stop it
So I have to stand by and watch
And hope that time makes it not hurt
That yes-off course I cried in my pillow
That it makes food taste like sawdust
That it makes sleeping that bit harder
That I wish-i wish so hard that it was ok
But how can it be ok-when its him? And when its you?
That I'm scared its already happened
That I wish it wasn't true.
That I wish I could tell you
But I can't tell you.

Letters To Your Past

2009-11-23T14:42:00.001Z

Dear You,

I remember when I first met you. You weren’t really my type. You would do really sweet things and then you would say something nasty even without meaning to- I looked like I was wearing P.Js, etc. Neither of us meant to fall but we did. I fell harder. I held back. You didn’t let me. You gave me an ultimatum. I didn’t want to lose you. Remember when you were scared because we were so perfect? I guess it was just too good to be true.

I remember when you asked for a break. My heart broke into a million pieces. I didn’t eat for four days. I didn’t sleep. It tortured my little heart. It was two days after you’d asked me to meet your mum. How was I supposed to get over that? How was I supposed to get over the fact that you thought I cheated with your best friend?

We got back together. You missed me. But I didn’t know how to put the pieces back together. We broke up. I ate. I slept. I cried sometimes. You were sweet sometimes. You hinted at us getting back together. I ignored the hints. You kissed me. I tasted it on my lips for days. You stopped talking to me. I called constantly. Just to talk. I talked, you listened. You said you had nothing to say to me. I cried a lot and called you some more. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I was no closer to getting over you. I left. Numbness set in. I talked to you, it started again. Months turned into a year. I still cried. I still called you sometimes. You ignored me sometimes. Humiliated me sometimes. You were adamant we couldn’t be friends. I cried some more.

I met other guys. They made me laugh. I still thought about you. Finally, I thought it was gone. I saw you again. You were nervous, your eyes lit up. It all came rushing back. You remained adamant. You ignored another birthday. One year turned into two.

I’m now over you, first love.

2009-10-28T20:12:00.000Z

Who still watches one tree hill?? I want someone to discuss it with!! *im sad-i know*

Apparently...

2009-10-27T12:54:00.000Z

I'm completely self delusional...

I would never have thot this..

Infact if asked to describe myself i would say that i'm a sweet, too-nice, wears her feelings on her jacket kinda girl...

But apparently i'm more of a stone cold dont care about anyone *insert bad word that starts with b*

I guess it shouldn't be that much of a shock

I remember one time when my friend said she didnt think i was a christian because 'you're not a nice person' *insert shocked hurt expression* Although her opinion obviously changed when she got to know me- at least i HOPE it has*

So- if i care about people truly and it just doesnt show- I don't actually know what to do

Oh please- i dont want to hear that 'then show it' because as i said before i thought i was showing the feelings a bit too much

Short of pasting a fake smile on my face and carrying cardboard signs detailing how i feel about people, i really don't know how to change this impression.

btw- on a more random note, i noticed d'banj and his using a white girl in his current video- but can't the guy like a white girl again? Have we just forgotten the millions of black girls he used in his past videos?

On another random note- i was really irritated the other day when i opened the hair section of a magazine and saw Beyonce's poker straight weave being described as 'afro-hair' then i though about it and thought- 'hmmm- these magazines aim to appeal to as wide a demographic as possible and most black people have 'white' hair in the form of weaves and expensive hair modifying products- so even if the magazines don't exressly mention 'black hair', realistically they cater to it as well!

But hey- dont make this a human rights issue- im having enough pain from my chocolate fast as it is. *day 2*

xx

he wrote me this...

2009-10-24T16:23:00.000+01:00

am awake and its 12 am,all is quet and still and darkness fills the land i want you,i know i want younot for now but for all time, ive carried a candle waiting for you i dont know why, cant explain, dont want a rational analysis. your lips taste different,a faint lingering memeory that refuses to go. is it wrong to think of another when with someone? i dont kno you tell me, cos thats is how it is with me, thinking of you, how her should be you, thinking of many things. im hurt a lil when u speak of others with affection,i am happy when you are happy, i wish 'her' was you, but i am afraid, of you and the power you hold over me, i am crazy,'her is the available that became the desirable that has become the past. theres a lot i am not saying not because i dont want to but because i dont know how you would take it, one thing i dont do is games especially with you, cos i value u more thand mind tricks and all. i dont kno what you want in a partner, what you desire deep deep down, i want to share. i know one thing though i love you. not like you a lot or think you are cool and fun to be with, , just love pure and simple. i know about fighting, i have to fight for every thing, and im sure you know how hard it is. im tired of keeping it all in, maybe thats why now im leting you know how it is, showing you a little of whats hidden deep down. now im fighting for you but in my own way. im not limiting myself anymore, just lettting it all out. i want to be the one that makes your heart beat faster and more. for now i am content with being your friend, even though i want more. i waited a long time to do this too long,cos i dont know how you would take it or even how we would be after this. now im not hidding it, im letting it all out please dont push me away, this is a start, maybe you would forgive me for all the unsaid words, all these years. i am waiting for you, still, patient, untiring, counting the days until.................please dont make me wait for too long love me, for who i am what i represent ......... love me, for i love you So maybe now you know a lil bit, theres still more, much more. tonight i shall dance with you in my arms as if today was my last day, and hold you close.

2009-10-23T13:49:00.000+01:00

I dont have a definite opinion on most things. maybe its the fact that i studied law and i can look at anything as clearly from one angle as i can from the other. So i can so passionately argue about something one day and argue about the opposite thing the next day. It drives my friends crazy! 'babes why are u changing mouth'- hell it even drives me crazy! what exactly is my point?

erm...to be continued.

random realization past midnight

2009-10-12T00:24:00.000+01:00

I've come to the conclusion that it takes approximately 2 weeks to determine if someone is ever going to like you or not. Be warned that after this period of two weeks-it might seem like their feelings for you are 'growing', but trust me-at the end of 1 mnth? Two? Three? The situation reverts to that which you guessed in the 2 week period. He really wasn't that into you.

Now I see some girls reading and recoiling and going 'yeh that might be you-sure aint me-people actually get to know me' yeh yeh-tell yourself that as you scroll thru your messages comparing msgs from week two and week 6-day 42. Don't get me wrong-im not saying it takes two weeks for someone to like you. Its possible that they barely even know you at that time. What I'm saying is it takes approximately two weeks (maybe less) for you to know if someone is going to like you or not. And you know what I think? That's a veery good time frame. Because you can walk away before you find yourself stuck in a situation where your feelings are not being reciprocated.

Why am I doing a post on you figuring out whether someone likes you-and not on if you actually like them? Well that's because u know within an hour of meeting someone if they stand a chance.

Ps-you do not have to agree-but you're welcome to post differing opinions (as long as it doesn't state that emotions are not an exact science-because let's face it-they kind of are)

Love,
Flabby.

Dear You...

2009-09-27T00:40:00.001+01:00

I don't want to be your friend anymore.

See What I Wrote Last Night...

2009-08-28T18:19:00.000+01:00

I want you. I think that I want you. But more than I want you-i want you to want me. I want you to care. I can't stand that you don't care. I say I don't believe in games. But its not true. I'm scared of games. I'm scared that they work and I don't know how to play. I'm scared that I'm not the kind of person that is allowed to play games. I don't have that luxury. I have to fight. Or I'd never get anything. That's how I got you isn't it?

I wish I could re-live some moments. Some words you said...when you hugged me and whispered in my ear...when you laughed and fell on me and touched my hair...when you kissed me...when u looked at me...no awkward silence-just you and me...when you told me silly things about your childhood...when you danced with me...times when you told me I was crazy...when I made you laugh...when you laughed with me...when we'd talk without gaps-falling over our sentences-bcos there was so much to say...when you kissed me again...when you held me just before I fell asleep...when you said you miss me too...

Maybe it was out of our hands-maybe it was in my hands and I pushed you away-maybe it was timing-maybe it was all in my head-maybe my memory of the last time I kissed shouldn't be with you-maybe I shouldn't be your friend-maybe we'll never speak again-or you'll get back with 'her' or you're already with 'her'.maybe I shouldn't be writing this or thinking about you. Maybe I should close my eyes and dream about you. Maybe I should tell you and have u clear up the maybes.

I think its all in my head. What I feel and what u don't feel. Like I care and you don't.

All I know is I love you and I just want you to let me be the friend to you that you are to me.

Love, me.

I Love...

2009-08-26T19:39:00.001+01:00

...Maya Angelou- In and out of time
*poetry is not for everyone, but this is one of the better things that Tyler Perry exposed me to*

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

I'm Aliiive!!

2009-08-24T19:36:00.000+01:00

heeey!!
I'm not dead or anything
My phone wont let me update
And i'm usually too lazy to brave this sloow Nig internet
I'm in Nig!!
holla!
Thanks to all my new (and old) followers and everyone that comments
i promise i read every single blog- i'm just veeery bad at commenting, but i'll try harder
I've come to the realisation that my randomisity is maybe a problem
In the middle of a conversation i get the 'huh'??
OMG- u guys have to see the most amazing article
Has anyone read twilight and thought 'what?'
Or watched the movie and thrown up a little in their mouth because the acting was sooo bad??
Then dayum!! you have to read that article
I'll put it up asap- this is just a quick post to say 'yeh i still exist'
I'll do a proper one again like tomorrow?
xo

random!

2009-07-23T21:26:00.000+01:00

OMG- I can't believe this o2 broadband thing is crap!! If you were thinking of buying it- please don't!

Koko mansion is just too boring please! Rita is the average Nigerian?? *for people who don't know who Rita is- please youtube 'koko mansion'- and for those of you who have no idea what koko mansion is- read my last post or google it*

so today i went to buy something in Euston. I was already pissed because the idiot (sorry- human being) that i was trying to book a ticket from was talking to me like i was uneducated- he was enunciating a lot and speaking slowly- as in are u friggin kidding me?? he was the one that didnt get my point!! i should have been talking as if he was the idiot! Anyway- i digress- so i went to buy something in a random shop- guy gives me receipt- no change- shooooo. I'm like dude- can i please have my change (i didnt actually use the word dude) and he's like- you gave me a 5 pound note. Blank stare. Before he finally gave me my money he now said 'i'm very sure you gave me a 5 pund note'- i swear if i didnt just take the money out of the cashpoint (which did not dispense 5 pound notes) i would have believed!

sugabelly- why can i not comment on your blog? or is it my razz internet?

So who is the person you like- is it the person that makes you want to put your 'best behaviour' on around them or the person that you can let it all hang out with?? the one who sends you a text and makes your heart skip a beat? or the person who just makes you smile?

xo

Jokes from Koko Mansion

2009-07-03T12:20:00.000+01:00

I waited and waited for koko mansion and seriously- where did they get these girls from?

classic lines:
1. 'its half gown'- 'half gown' is supposed to be 'high waist skirt'

2. 'i want to poopoo asap'- who uses that word and why does everyone have to know?

3. 'you people are talking about people who sleep with men to be able to afford blackberrys and 150,000 naira jeans- in unical, some girls go to a boutique and price a top for 2000 naira- then they go and sleep with 4 men to be able to afford it'- people are actually suffering- girls in university sleep with men for 500 naira!!

4. 'I thank God that in all the time i dated married men, i never disrespected anyone's wife'- as in whaaaat the hell?? you are sleeping with her husband- if thats not disrespect, i don't know what is!

5. general consensus in this mornings fascinating discussion about cheating was that all guys cheat and as long as he has the decency to not do it in your face, then he loves and respects you.

Why do all people accept that all guys cheat? I thought that the basic difference between humans and animals is that humans can control their instincts- you know what? even animals are schooled to control their instincts- so it irritates me when girls categorically state that 'all guys cheat' 'men will always cheat'- what does that even mean? And the worst thing is when i'm called 'naive' for believing that some guys have too much self- respect to cheat. I'm told to 'grow up'. I should grow up? In the same way that people have categorically stated that 'all men cheat', i am stating that 'all guys do NOT cheat' and the sooner that we adopt that as our mantra, the sooner guys realise that women value themselves highly and will not settle for less than faithfulness.

But i digress.... i'm sure i will get some more 'classic' koko mansion lines and update!!

xo

ps- koko mansion is the new reality tv show by d'banj where 12 girls compete to be his 'kokolette' for a year. The kokolette will be his 'performance buddy' person and will also walk away with 5 million naira, a convertible and a diamond ring.

Same script- different cast

2009-06-04T14:28:00.000+01:00

It takes lots of bricks to build a wall

One brick at a time

'meet my mum, i love you' one day
'i want a break' the next
A couple of bricks

'don't call me anymore'
1 brick

'when did the game change? when did you start expecting things from me'
a few more bricks

'i love you but as a friend'
another brick

'i havent thought of us in that way'
a couple of bricks

'what do you want from me- what do you want?'
additional brick

ignored calls-unreplied messages
a few more bricks

'its different now'
one more brick

And the wall just keeps getting higher...
The cast changes, but the script always stays the same.

STOP...PLEASE

2009-05-31T18:37:00.000+01:00

Now let me just point out that a lot of people will disagree with me and that's fine

but

please please please

i am SICK and TIRED of people constantly berating other people for the amount of culture they choose to exhibit

A Nigerian magazine had an Indian person on the cover- guess what? India's latest vogue has a black (non-Indian) person on the cover- as in seriously- covers are for people who inspire- and yes in a huge country we have more than enough people that inspire- but by denying that there are successful people from other nationalities that we can imbibe? is that not doing the exact same thing we berate of the Western world??

Dare likes non-Nigerian/ Asian/ whatever type of babe in his video- SO WHAT? how do you know his wife has not said 'babes i don't want any fine naija stuvs in your video o- ill be more comfortable if she wasn't'. And i'm sorry but African men preferring white women is belittling black women? what? If a black guy tells me I'm not good enough for him by virtue of the fact that I'm black- i will find one that doesn't- I'm not going to be scared that when my daughter is born- she is going to hate the colour of her skin. Let's be honest- black women come with certain traits- (I'm generalising here because not everyone is the same)- what if the guy wants something simpler? What if he wants someone to look at him as funny and witty and adoration (and trust me- I've seen babes in my uni with white girls when black girls are like 'hell no- i can never..') so the guy should go home and cry? By restricting himself- isn't he doing the exact same things we accuse the westerners of doing

So a good number of us school abroad. Have we not in essence told Nigerian universities 'I'm sorry but i want something better'- so what? people in Nigerian universities should feel inferior?

My point is- there isn't always a black and white- we won't always agree on issues dealing with interaction with the western world- which we struggle to make ourselves a part of..

So PLEASE- STOP shoving your opinions down our throats- be open minded. Just because you think something does not mean it's the only right- There are a thousand views on anything- accept that your opinions are your opinions- NOT the TRUTH!!

So as a general last minute pointer- i did NOT take sides- i pointed out that we should always look at a well rounded view of things and respect other people's opinions and my examples just show that there is usually more than one side to the story- so please if you are not going to give a constructive comment- then click the ex at the top right hand of your screen. This is not a war call or a personal attack on anyone.

*PS- isn't the weather amazing? Oxford Street was actually empty today- everyone having fun in the park no doubt*

xxo

2009-05-30T21:14:00.000+01:00

I'm sexy
This fact is not because I have the most amazing body
By any standards-i don't
I've given up the battle with my body and embraced it
I have accepted that my boobs will never see DD again
And people will always stare at my ass
So no-its not because I have the most amazing body
Infact I actually don't know what it is
But I know that's what it is that makes a random guy drive to my street and wait for me after seeing mr crossing the road-looking rundown from the gym
Its the reason I've been labelled 'husband snatcher'-infact make that 'guy snatcher' because the label extends across a wide range of commitments
Its the reason why people are infatuated with me so strongly and then stop being infatuated with the same passion that they started
The reason why loads of attatched guys flock to me-but with the ubderlying 'I'm not going to fall for you and leave my babe o'
Why when my face got burnt with hot water my boyfriend said 'ill talk to her when she's fine again'-although at that time I doubt he got it
Its why someone would write 'I want to fuck you till you can't walk' in my hb on facebook
Its why when a guy starts discussing 'us' a week after meeting me-my friend asks-'why is it always u that eneds up in this position'
Its the reason why guys would hang out of their car windows and shout 'is it my fault that you are fine'

So yeh-im ' sex-y'
And I hate it
I always have-and I probably always will
But it is what it is-and this is a post of acceptance
Acceptance of the fact that girls would probably continue to say 'apparently he thinks you're hot'
And guys would continue to stop in their cars and get hopelessly infatuated
But as long as one person sees past all the 'sex'
I'll just be grateful
Like they say 'attention is better than no attention' (I just made that up btw)

*ps-thank you for all the 'first time pple on my last post-i will get back to all of u soon-i just finished my exams and all*

AND- I'm posting from my phone in impossibly tiny font so ignore mistakes (or try to) and ignore also sentences that don't make that much sense-i tend to assume that everyone is in my head so I onnly explain things halfway!

Xo