Distance

I've come to the conclusion that long distance relationships arent infact relationships at all. whats the point?

- of the constant phoneversations? you talk and talk and talk. Some people might argue that this is infact a good thing- but i think too much of everything is bad. You will end up saying stuff that you should NOT say.

- of being alone in all ways but in your heart. You wake up alone with empty dreams and hope that you'll see each other at some future point

- of not being able to hold hands, watch a movie, just chill, not say anything- just be.

- and the strangest thing about distance is that theres so much space- but not enough of it ( i cant explain this)

I respect everyone that makes the decision to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm just not strong enough to live on a diet of words and space. 'i miss you's' and 'i wish you were here'

But then maybe its just me

xx

Reality

so foil has someone new in his life- wat am i supposed to feel? honestly? i dont know wat i feel

Don't

Dont chase me away. I run far, fast and i dont look back.

Tears

I wish that one day i would wake up and understand everything. Most of all-myself. that one day i would become this strong, resilient person that everyone imagines me to be. I would be moralistic and motivated. I would think i was beautiful- look at myself in the mirror and through the eyes of other people and be confident that what they see is really me-beautiful. I wish i wish so hard, that i would stop being needy. I wouldnt be afraid that if i let someone in-they are going to leave. I wish i wasn't stupid- i wish i could see- really really believe when someone loved me.

I dont know when my simple wish started to sound poetic, but i really do wish these things were true. I dont need a pyscologist to tell me that i have issues- i guess in a way everyone has issues. I just want mine to dissapear. I want to stop feeling like im incapable of being loved or whatever. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I always feel like giving myself a good kick when i tear up. Ok- so what- two dads left you- thats not personal-that had nothing to do with you- so what you have low self esteem-loads of people do- poor social skills? nothing that cant be improved on- ur needy? tie ur hands behind your back when you want to make whiny calls in the middle of the night

I dont know- I dont know. Sometimes i think life is too hard. But its supposed to be hard right? I know were not supposed to do it alone though. Why do i feel like im doing it alone a lot of the time? Why do i not have God? yeah- everyone has told me- just pray-yeah just go to church-ull get Him back- its not easy. i want to scream 'I DONT HAVE HiM AND I WANT HIM BACK BECAUSE ITS TOO HARD WITHOUT HIM'...because it is- i dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore-those days should be over..

ps- i do have a happy side- i have another blog..This is my emotional side.

What i dont get

what i dont get is... how come we love people differntly..maybe i speak for myself when i say this..but everytime i'm loving someone new..i keep waiting to feel the same way i felt last time..even if i might feel as strong..its never quite the same! Sometimes i feel that 'desperate.i think about u all the time' feeling..and sometimes its just a 'warm-im happy when i think of you' feeling. I dont think it means any less either time..its just... different.

What i dont get is..how come when you're with someone..you really believe they love you..like totally..completely..but then when things go wrong..and maybe their feelings change, you never believe they loved u in the first place. Does that make it easier to move on? Thinking that someone never cared? Is it that you cant bear to think that they DID love you and they dont anymore?? Or is it because love is supposed to be everlasting? But what if they still love you and it just isnt enough??

What i dont get is how quickly things change..people change..or does it just appear to be fast? maybe signs were there and you just didnt see??

What i dont get is how i love so hard..my heart hurts and i always pick people that cant love me back..dont want to love me back..quite so completely..

What i dont get is how to accept things that cannot change