I must not blog in proper English because for some reason on my last post-i got a lot of sympathy for 'roasting' on vals day- err-i didnt roast, (special aside to Lady Koko-what was that hateration for nau?)

DM where are you?

It wasnt supposed to be like this

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to spend it alone. Wait- i'm not alone- im doing all these things with all these people. How many people did i say no to? But thats not the point. It wasn't supposed to be like this...

I was supposed to wake up squashed in a single bed- wearing his crumpled tshirt. He is sleeping beside me. I stare at him and prod him till he wakes up. 'what'? he says. 'happy valentine', i scream in that happy cheerful way that i do. 'you know i dont believe in vals', he says as he turns and tries to go back to sleep. ' well, i do' i say as i lie down beside him and sing 'twinkle twinkle little star' in his ear in an annoying high picthed voice that forces him to wake up. 'Ok, happy vals day'..'its not 'happy vals day'..its not the day were celebrating-its not like we say 'merry christmas day'..'whatever-im tired.can you please just let me go back to bed'..nope!!

We spend the day doing nothing! Watching loads of movies- cheesy ones and disgusting horror ones! Eating loadsa chocolatey things and practising for the olympic kissing championship.

But its not going to happen is it? Because i picked yesterday of all days to have a 'he's just not tthat into you moment' and because he's not here is he?

Happy valentine.
xo

So- if someone can tell me how to change my url-thats what ill do- if not..im going private. Its not blogsville- u guys are lovely. Its just that i'm not as anonymous as i once was and its a choice between honesty and privacy and i have to pick the latter. So show me how to do the url thingis or send me ur emails.

xoxo

My cry for HELP

I suffer from a disease called jealousy. Hard pressed, i will deny it, justify it, revoke it, even lie about it. It wont change the fact that it's true. Now the reason why this disease terrifies me so much is not because i'm jealous of people. Because i hardly am. I'm jealous of the things that do not make me top ten in a persons life.

Now- i hate small talk and acquaintances. Both things to me are a waste of time. People that have met me will admit that i quickly jump from small talk to deeply personal questions (when was the first time you had sex?). So basically people fall into categories-friend or not.theres no middle ground. Now when someone is my friend i expect to be top 10 in their life. Now this is really NOT possible. I mean-they had a life before they met me. Rationally, i know this. However, jealousy is not a rational animal. It rears its ugly head whenever someone does something that will indicate that i am not at the forefront of their friend circle (not returning my call, not tagging me in a note on facebook, not telling me they've broken up with their boyfriend or that they have a new one).

Recently this has started to worry me a lot. Apart from the fact that it makes me a hypocrite (because i have more that 10 friends who cant all fit into top 10), its not healthy is it? My heart rate goes up when someone says i am one of the MANY interesting people they've met recently ( i want to be the ONE. I can list jealousy scenarios but that will make me feel more stupid than i already do!

I am NOT an ONLY child. I am NOT the LAST child (although ive obviouly been accused of acting like both). I am infact the FIRST child!

Admitting your problem is the first step to finding a solution right??

Oh and for future reference. I named myself at a low self esteem phase. I am NOT flabby. I am not a BIG GIRL. I am a regular sized person (6/8 american, 10/12 british) i'm just mentioning this because someone wrote a comment like 'flabby must be just a name..'..it is!

My name is Flabby and i NEED help.