To me...Trust is overrated. Trustworthiness, like love- in the 'purest' form, does not exist. It does not need to exist. We trust, not because we want to, but because we need to.

You go on a ride on an amusement park because the amusement park claims that it's safe. That is trust. You choose to believe that someone is where they say they are, because it's easier. Choosing to trust makes life easy and if you ask anyone that's been up all night or consumed with anxiety because they couldn't trust, they'll tell you. Trust is hard.

Until recently, I live in this dream world where I believed in 'betrayal' and silly concepts that ultimately rely on fairytale perfect behaviour. But once again, I've learnt that we are human (I tend to forget this a lot) and we can't be perfect. Ans we're not supposed to be perfect. Sometimes we need to come out of this world where we think 'if you love me, you won't hurt me' and 'I can trust you with my life'. Your life is your life, why do you need to trust someone with it?

Remember when God said 3 things endure- faith, hope and love? I don't remember 'trust' being there.

I'm not sure what I ranted about. My point is this.

Trust is overrated.

I wish i was fearless. I read this:

"There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the real ones. The ones where you like to talk, to play, to argue, and to fuck. The ones where you can’t stand each other and can’t stand to be apart from one another at the same time. The ones where you each have your own life, but you allow each other to enrich them instead of control them. The ones where you switch off being needy and desperate but generally are equally obsessed. The ones where you feel secure but not bored, where you are just as excited about the conversation you have during dinner as the sex you’ll have afterwards. You’ve seen each other bitchy, whiny, ugly, tired, sick and you still want each other desperately. It’s the ones where you know that neither of you is perfect, but you’re perfect for each other."

source- http://www.sincesheleft.com/

And it made me realise that someone doesn't have to treat you badly for you to not be with them. We're so scared of everything, because we're taught that settling is the better option. Scared to chase dreams. Scared to leave a wrong relationship. Scared that the crazy business idea is just crazy.

Right now today, maybe I realise that I don't have to settle and my crazy idea might make sense and my dreams can be reality and i can find the right relationship. And i still haven't figured out the relationship formula but I know that feeling unhappy as equally or more than you feel happy is not the right one.

I wish I was fearless.

After a while, you start to understand who you are. Maybe none of us ever gets complete understanding, maybe we arent even supposed to- because we change, and we grow and then the process has to start again. But sometimes, we start to understand, and that beginning is important- its even enough, for a while.

I read my old diaries. I didnt like how similar i was to the person I used to be. Narcissistic. Thats one way I've always wanted to be different. To come out of my head and realise that the world- even my world, isnt solely about ME. There are other views, thoughts, feelings. What I want isn't always what matters. Because we all want. We all need. We all want someone to be something to us. But my wants and needs do not exist in isolation. I can't have my own expectations without realising that other people have expectations too.

So i'm only starting to understand myself. And accept myself. And realise that this world doesnt spin for me.