Fear

She was afraid. Always afraid. Of anything. Of everything. She didn't share her opinion, because she was afraid she was wrong. She didn't send of her stories because she was afraid they were bad. She didn't share her ideas because she was afraid it was wrong. She didn't say how she felt because she was afraid she was the only one that felt that way. She didn't do anything- learn anything because she was afraid.

Then one day, something miraculous happened. She gave her opinion and it was met with respect. She shared an idea and they loved it. She sent a story and it was published. She said how she felt and they got together. She learnt many things, did many things, because she stopped being afraid.

The only thing worse than fear is fear itself.

There comes a point where they stop listening. You're still talking, but they are not listening anymore. And it's in that moment you know, its over.

The 'Truth' Hurts

Have you ever wondered why 'honesty'is always negative? If someone gives you two versions of events- one positive and one negative, why are you more inclined to believe the negative version? Its crazy when I hear 'the truth hurts'- why? Why does it ALWAYS have to hurt?

Why can't the truth just be positive?

Why is it that people that herald themselves as 'truth speakers' are usually negative? And why do we always take their word as the truth?

Truth is- the truth isn't always negative. It's have all perceptive- just look at bella naija comments about people that achieved something to see people saying nonsense like 'I read her book- its no big deal', 'the grammar in this story is horrible' 'my tailor can make that outfit'. Then why are you sitting on bellanaija instead of using that critique to produce something better?

I'm tired of all this negativity being named as truth. Let's change perceptive or learn to be constructive in our criticism. 'I'm just being honest' isn't enough of a justification for being a 'hater' and generalized statements like 'the truth hurts' mean as much as saying 'all black people steal' and we know how true that is.

kmt.

Day 1: Letter to my Best Friend.

Dear Best Friend,

We have hour long conversations about how we hate talking on the phone. Sometimes when I have nothing to say and the last thing I want to do is talk, I call you. I don't really feel like something has happened until I talk to you about it and see it through your eyes. Sometimes when I do something and I can't tell you about it, that's when I know it's wrong- So you're my conscience. You met me at a point where I was literally a broken haphazard mess and somehow you saw past it. And I've been all sorts of crazy since I've known you, but somehow you've always managed to see past it to the 'real' me that I don't always see.

I've learnt so much- about myself, about friendship, about life from knowing you. You know me so well. Sometimes I underestimate just how much and then I realise that even when I'm lying to myself about what I'm feeling, you know exactly what's true.

I don't know if we're always going to be close. Who knows these things? But I know that I've needed you most during these years that you've been my best friend. And beyond my family, my relationship with you is the singular most important relationship in my life.

So I guess what I really just want to say is thank you.

I love you.

Love,
Me.

On Sugabelly's blog, She put this up;

basically, you're supposed to write a letter to the following people:

Day 1 — Your best friend.
Day 2 — Your crush.
Day 3 — Your parents.
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams.
Day 6 — A stranger.
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 — The person you miss the most.
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 — The last person you kissed.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror.

I find this intriguing, because sometimes when you write letters, you discover thoughts and feelings you didnt even realise you had. So my next post is...

I love unsuitable men. Point me to a commitment-phobe-sweet-talking-likely to cheat-and therefore lie- you're fun but I'll never fall in love with you guy and I'll hurl into his arms with beyonce's 'why don't you love me' playing in the background.

I know. It's a complete cliché. I'm not alone. But I think there's a method to my madness.

I don't believe in relationships. On any given day, I can pick an aspect of relationships that I resolutely don't believe in and break it down, analyse it and explain with charts and graphs why I don't believe.

Today, I'm going to settle on the more general- I don't believe in relationships.

More than I don't believe in relationships, I don't believe in myself in a relationship.

Usually, I'm a normal person. Maybe a little too loud, a bit cold, but normal. Put emotions in me and I become a crazy sabotaging psycho.

Now- if I pick an unsuitable guy who is going to mess up and leave anyway, then I can sit back in twisted satisfaction and say- 'see, its not my fault, guys always mess up and relationships are bullshit anyway.'

It's so funny how you can take yourself through unnecessary pain and drama in the interest of 'self-protection'.

Then again life is a paradox. And I've never claimed to have it all figured out.

I want the kind of love people write about. Sing about. Blog about. The kind that rom-coms are built on. The kind that every romance book is about. The kind that is a fantasy.

The kind that doesn't exist.

Retraction

I'm here to print a retraction. The post about trust being overrated before? I lied. To myself.

Trust makes you sleep at night and go through the day. We NEED to trust. Imagine a world without trust? You wouldn't be able to go to bed for fear that the 'secure' lock isn't as secure as advertised. You won't be able to form new relationships- friends or lovers, because you would never believe anything.

You'll constantly feel like everyone/ everything is out to get you.

Lack of trust= paranoia.

Paranoia= bad life.

I was wrong before.

Trust is definitely rated where it should be.