Coming to the realisation that someone you care about doesn't care about you is hard. I think as humans, our brains tend to function in terms of actions rather than emotion. That is, if someone does this, this and this then they care. If they do this, this and this, then they don't. I think this is really really false. Don't get me wrong- actions definitely show emotion, but are not always the correct indication.

For example, think of the way most people treat family. You love your family to bits but often take them for granted. Many people will say they will die for any member of their immediate family (jury's still out for that one), but in day to day interaction, they take their family for granted. Not calling as often as they should, not being there as much as they can, etc.

So why do we hold non-family members to a higher standard? Because we are already sure of the family's feelings?

Sometimes actions mean everything. Sometimes actions mean nothing.

The problem with black and white is that it doesn't exist. In skin colour or in life issues. Caramel, chocolate, tan...even with people that are so dark, they shine, I've never met someone with black skin. And even on the palest of complexions, never white skin.

So in a world where people are constantly classified as black or white,despite the facts that these colours do not exist on people, why do we expect situations to be black or white. Even when there are no shades of grey, there are shades of brown and almost nothing is exact and straightforward. In reading authors like Jodi Picoult, I' ve come to see the distinct emotional reasoning behind every situation. Even the law recognises this, which is why people can be charged either for manslaughter or murder for the same act of killing. Its always the intent that shapes a situation, rather than the actual outcome.

Let go of black and white notions. It clouds judgement. Actually, it creates judgement where there should be none. I can think of a few of my friends who would do good to stop judging things so harshly and just consider things strictly on their merit.

Shame. I hate feeling ashamed. Embarrased. They aren't necessarily the same thing, but one seems to follow the other. We all have this image of ourselves that we need to protect. And whenever we do something to destroy that image. It's hard. It's always harder when I do something that hurts myself. People hurting me is bearable. Understandable. They are human, they can only hurt. But can I apply that to myself? I am human so I can only hurt...myself?

Shame. When the shame passes, everything is fine. Everything else pales in comparison. Because if you don't respect yourself? what do you have?

I've stopped searching myself. I know what's inside and I don't want to confront it. On some level, I know what i'm doing. I know all the things i'm doing wrong. I see what's negative about who i've become. But I don't want to confront it. Because I don't feel strong enough. It's weird. I believe i'm worthy of being this strong smart person. But i'm scared to actually become that person. So she stays in my head and I watch the shadow live. I know who I am truly. For all my faults, I've always been proud of me. Lately, I don't know. All i seem to do now is develop philosophies to justify the unjustifiable. Is that what becoming an adult is about? Being afraid? Starting to 'realise' that life is not perfect? That people do things they never thought they would?

It's funny how principles weaken as we grow older, because we grow into the idea that any expectation of perfection is 'naive'. That childlike believe that anything is possible is replaced with stability, failure and fear. Expectations. Let's not forget expectations. I'm frozen in this place where I can't move forward because I don't want to face up to the present. Hours pass, days pass, weeks, months. And I feel like I can't start that process of self- realisation. Because i'm afraid. Because i'm an adult and there are all these expectations. Because all my dreams cannot actually come true. Because I would have to be strong. And I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to believe in anything. I just want to be cynical and stuck. In this limbo-like place. Afraid.

Happy New Year!

With the number of posts ive written in my head, i find it weird that I havent actually updated my blog in the new year! Happy New Year!

I bought a domain name and everything, it took ages to set it up and THEN I decided to upgrade something. Utter disaster. So now im back to zero. I have no idea what possessed me to buy it in the first place.

I'm skinny! Well not skinny, slim. For the first time in 6 years, I have my 26 inch waist back. Overly excited. It feels really really good! I get slightly annoyed that people just start up conversations with me about their weight. It's like, its ok to ask me if I did anything and if I have any tips, but don't start a random conversation telling me what dress size you are and how much you weigh. What am I supposed to say?

This year i'm going to become a free-lance writer. I dont know how though! Who knows how???

I'm going to find a new obsession, instead of heartbreak and heartache and boys. Seriously- there's more to life (or is there really?)

Just a quick post checking in! Be back soon

xx