Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can stay bubbling under the surface, threatening to burst out. It can be so overwhelming that you literally go insane from the feeling. I've been so angry sometimes that I felt like i would explode. But i don't think anger is a dangerous emotion because it makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. Lots of emotions do that. It's the fact that sometimes it stays buried so deep that you don't even know it's there. And then one day, it springs up on you.

I've been shocked by my anger many times. That buried anger seems to me the start of psychopath behavior. When you smile and look calm on the outside but you're really sharpening knives in your mind. You can't bring it up, because you're probably angry about an incident that has passed. Something you should be 'over'. So you live with it, pretend it doesn't exist. Live with it in the hope that it would dissapear.

But what if it doesn't? What happens when you explode?

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What are you afraid of?

Getting shot. Never getting rid of my insecurities. Never becoming successful. Never becoming rich.

What are you afraid of?

Letting people know what i'm afraid of. Really letting them get into my head. My soul. Knowing me.

What are you afraid of?
Always being afraid. Never becoming uncrippled.

What are you afraid of?
Remaining positive to the point of delusion. Becoming negative to the point of not being able to recognise what's positive anymore.

What are you afraid of?
Floating. Constantly floating with no anchor. Fleeting moments of happiness punctuating a wall of perpetual sadness.

What are you afraid of?
myself.

Love.

Relationships with people are important, but no relationship is as important as the one with yourself. A lot of people don't realise this, but most of us realise it and choose to forget it anyway. There's this constant struggle to be something other people want us to be. We want to change the way we are, compromise so we can be acceptable to the people around us. How many times does a girl become someone totally different because of a guy? How many times does she compromise, settle and accept stuff that she normally finds abominable so there would be a chance that a guy likes her more, stays with her?

If there's one thing i've learnt, it's this. You have to love yourself first. You have to have acceptable and unacceptable, you have to be completely comfortable with the person you are. That way, when you are a fully formed person, you don't need someone to 'make you a better person', you are already comfortable with the person you are. The only thing someone can do is make you WANT to improve YOURSELF. Not improve you. Change should always come from within. If you don't love yourself, or you have flawed emotions towards yourself, you can only give flawed love. You always think you're loving more, when you love someone else, but you're only loving as much as you can yourself. And sometimes, its negative because you're idolizing another person above yourself. You are saying 'you are more worthy of my love than I am'.

We all want to be more confident, more patient, more understanding, have more wisdom. These things start from love. People always think they don't have love in their life, because they are waiting for someone else to bring it. If you love yourself, you always have love in your life and love invites love, so it's a win-win situation.

Love yourself.

Lying to one's self. That's the biggest crime isn't it? self- deceit. In Dante's poem he said that basically the highest level of hell is for those that lie to themselves. But if that's true, isn't that where everyone ends up? Because we all lie to ourselves. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes, it's just that one lie. That one big lie that we've told ourselves so long that it's practically become the truth.

I lie to myself. A lot. But Off course when you lie, you have to invent a whole long-winded bullshit theory to go with your lie. I have so many bullshit theories, I wonder which of them is based on lie and which has any basis in truth or actual belief.

Like morality is over-rated? What does that even mean. Morality is morality. Morality is necessary and the only people that think it's over-rated are people that are immoral. It's funny how when I want to justify my theories, I go to extremes and talk to people that I would condemn on a normal day. Suddenly, i'm spilling stuff about humans being imperfect and other people being judgmental and how noone should point fingers. Bullshit basically.

I know in a twisted way, we need to lie to ourselves sometimes. If only to maintain sanity. However, I want to stop lying to myself. First, about my expectations. I expect more. I deserve more. I need to stop lying to myself that mediocre is enough, because it isn't. So in the interest of putting things to paper in order to overcome them:

Lies I tell myself and often believe:
1. I don't believe in relationships- yes. relationships are hard. People act like nastier versions of themselves. Pain is intensified by 5000. It's hard to believe, when so many people choose to act like dicks in general. In all honesty, I do. It's the reason I watch One Tree Hill for goodness sake. That show is all love and cheese. I believe whole-heartedly in relationships, and I believe that once I stop choosing dicks, I'll have a chance at being in one.

2. Morality is over-rated. Everytime I spit this line, check- i'm probably doing something immoral. In life there IS black and white and while the lines blur on occasion, and people usually have justifications for doing bad things. There is morality. It just exists and over-rated or not, something bad is something bad.