My Best Friend

...is simple.

In a world where everyone complicates everything, it's necessary. Everybody needs a friend that looks at a problem in terms of the solution and nothing else. People are always looking at problems from all sides of the spectrum, instead of just abandoning all that examination and solving it.

...is honest.

It's exhausting to constantly have to read between the lines of what someone is saying. With her, I know I never have to. Even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

...doesn't indulge in pity parties.

This- I often hate. Who doesn't like a good pity party? With her, it's straight- it happened, it happened, leave it alone.

...doesn't over-analyze anything.

No need to think if 'hi' really meant 'bye', 'no' really meant 'maybe'...Like i said...

My best friend is simple.

I wouldn't have her any other way. ok ok, maybe a little more flexible sometimes, geez!

Now I feel like everytime I try to write, the words get stuck somewhere between my head and my hands. Or maybe it's just that I don't know what I want to say. Words used to be my hiding place. Or my safe place. The one way to express stuff even I didn't understand. Now it doesn't feel so safe anymore. Every word that comes out feels like a betrayal of my emotions. Emotions are suppose to be buried deep inside of you. They aren't supposed to spill out for anyone to see. Even you. They should be buried.

What am I even saying?

Writing isn't my safe place anymore. Music doesn't understand me quite as well as it used to.

I don't get lost in false storybook characters anymore.

I have no more escapes.

But all I want to do is run.

Music is like a drug. I'm probably stating the obvious but sometimes you find the perfect 4 minutes and 8 seconds, and from the minute you hear the first bar, you're removed from yourself. Your thoughts are clearer- you understand your emotions more- sometimes the music understands your emotions more than you and you're chilling with the song in perfect understanding. If you're anything like me, you use that song over and over- until you play it and feel nothing- time to let go, sad but necessary.

Music understands us because music is us. Sometimes we find a song that we like, but don't love. We wouldn't skip it if it came up on shuffle, but we wouldn't seek it out either. Or we get a song stuck in our heads and cant seem to get it out, no matter how annoying. Sometimes we hate a song on first listen (ushers omg anyone?) but it grows on us so slowly that we find ourselves humming its tune in the kitchen. Sometimes we love a song. We play it on repeat. Its our go to song, and then gradually we tire of it. Because no matter how much you love something or hate something, however strongly you feel about something, the feeling dulls after a while.

In the end sometimes, the best feelings are more basic than we realise. We think love is this shiny, heart beating, mouth dry feeling. There are so many things that feel so strong; lust, infatuation, crushes. Love is what is left when you take away all the other things. It's the security, stability, safety. It's not necessarily butterlies or heart-thumping. It's just safe, easy. The song you always listen to whenever you can't be bothered to think of anything else. And yeah, it's not very romantic, but it's so much more than that...

That said, the repeat songs that you tire of are really fun while you still want to repeat them. And who doesn't like the first exciting bars?

Being 'good', it's very hard because in the modern world...

Good= naive, punk, idiot, mugu, optimistic (and not in a good way), fake...

Very rarely is being good accepted as ..well...good.

Thing is...I want to be good. I like being good. Actually, I think I need to take a couple of steps backwards here and explain...what exactly does it mean to be good?

*stares blankly at keyboard*
*racks brain*

I seem to have lost all sense of being articulate. It seems like a waste to try and contain such a huge concept with a couple of well-meaning adjectives. Good is more of a feeling- doing the 'right'thing. Not giving in to negative emotions like anger or jealousy. Honesty. Not hurting people on purpose. Taking steps to positively correct your actions if you happen to hurt someone. Promoting positivity even in the face of intense negative energy.

So no. Being good here, unfortunately, is not meant in any religious context. There are no rules. It's not 'saving self for marriage' and 'never telling a lie', it's more inherent than that...ok, I think we're all up to speed on the concept.

So why is it so hard for the world to allow someone to be good. Now I understand why it's hard for one to actually be good. But why is it hard to ALLOW someone else to be good? It's like when someone actually makes a genuine effort to do the 'right' thing, to 'turn the other cheek' (and no- if someone hits you physically, this is not what i advocate). But sometimes when someone calls me stupid- I don't want to call them stupid back. Because, well...it's stupid. And to be honest, i'm not stupid. I don't want to reduce myself to act based on someone else's negative emotion, I want to see the better side of the people, not the absolute worst side. I want to be trusting, not cynical. I want to believe people don't set out to hurt other people and if they do, it's from a place of hurt and responding in a negative manner only deepens their own issues.

So yes, maybe I don't mind being hopelessly optimistic or naive or a punk sometimes. Maybe I don't mind looking stupid because i'll rather not lash out or fight back. But that's my prerogative. So tell me...why can't I just have it?

Respect. It's one of those things. A slippery slope. It's something that isn't necessarily discussed all the time, but something that we all expect- albeit mostly unconsciously from our relationships.

It starts from self respect. How highly do you rate yourself? What do you think you deserve from life? How important do you think you are...to earth?

Loss of respect always starts from the beginning of compromise. How much you're willing to compromise is often how much respect you're willing to lose (or in few cases gain). It's always hard to tell what effect our actions have directly on respect in real time. It's often better appreciated in retrospect.

Everytime you do something outside of your morality of principle meter, you are losing respect for yourself because you are saying the action is greater than you. Invariably, people respect you less. It's all very complicated. Respect. But oh so important. It makes the difference between a feminist and a prostitute. A mean boss and a hardworker.

Self-respect. I need to bottle the formula for that.

I'm in COMPANY magazine this month!

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-company-magazine-feature.html#links



yay!

Patience is the first step on the path of wisdom. Patience is the only step on that path. The ability to stop when you're angry and not react off that emotion. The ability to assume there's another side to the story. The ability to just wait until a viable solution to a problem comes up. Patience. I don't have it. At all. I am very very impatient. Sometimes I get so angry, my hands shake...I feel like I can see the anger. The literal red anger cloud in front of my eyes and I yell so loudly and cry and react. I feel like I HAVE to react.

I'm an eternal pessimist. Instead of projecting good and positive, I spend time imagining how bad anything can go and how painful it would be.

I want to be patient. But how? Lately i feel like i'm a little more patient. I feel like I want to say something, but I hold it off till it doesn't seem quite so important to say it anymore. My tongue must be filled with the scars of biting my tongue.My chest dark from all the negative emotion I've been suppressing. But it's ok because theres a bigger aim here.

Wisdom.

The Break-Up Outfit

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/2011/03/break-up-outfit.html#links

FASHION WISDOM: Law and Creativity: The Chicken or the Egg?

FASHION WISDOM: Law and Creativity: The Chicken or the Egg?: "“Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.”- Mark Twain me, law graduation number 2. What is the link betwe..."

Sometimes life is simple. You wake up, eat, sleep, laugh, work, chill with people you love, sleep and start over again. Sometimes it's complicated. A lot of the time it's complicated. Sometimes actions speak louder than words so the words and actions are very loud but they still don't tell you what you want to know.

You really want to know what it means, if it means something.

You really want to know if the path is worth it, if you should risk getting hurt, if it's all for nothing.

You want to see yourself through the eyes of someone else. Something else. Are you as perfect as they say? Is everything as good as it seems?

You want to see inside someone else. You don't want to judge their actions. You don't want to listen to their words. You want to look inside. You want to know. You don't want to listen, guess, judge, you want to know.

It's complicated. Even when you find the simple path. Even when you laugh, even when you're happy or heartbrokenly sad, its complicated. It always is.