She stared at the empty screen in front of her and willed her mind to fill it. Her heart had been wringed out of her chest and she lacked the capacity to observe the world anymore. She started writing many times but each line sounded wrong and empty and threatened to go nowhere, so her hand remained on the backspace button, while her head willed the words to come.
She typed.
All I want to do is write about you. I miss you. Your eyes, your smile, the stupid way you danced.
I miss the way you always knew what I was going to say and talked to me for hours about things that to other people seemed irrelevant and mundane.
When you made me breakfast and lunch and dinner and all the things inbetween. How you forced me to try new things and knew what I liked before me.
Your laugh.
Waking up next to you.
Sleeping next to you.
Waking up so tightly entwined together, any limb could belong to anyone.
She stopped typing because she knew that retrospect made everything perfect. That her mind had lost the ability to see wrong or bad. Maybe that was the beauty of love. Being able to squeeze out every bit of good from every bit of bad. Being able to see past actions to the soul of a person to understand their worst actions.
The way you wouldn't let me stay mad at you.
She would write about love.
26.1.12
18.1.12
I realised that I only cared because someone else did. But it doesn't matter who cared. It doesn't matter if it's someone or it's noone. And transferring that power, the power to do something- anything in life is stupid. The only person that should have the power is you. The only person it should matter to is you. Because at the end of the day, it's YOUR life. And yes, sometimes, you look at everyone else that has everybody believing what the say...but it doesn't matter. The lives that anyone else lives has no bearing on your life. Unless and until you break free from these beliefs, they will determine everything you do. They will bring you down. And sometimes, when you think you can do something, the only way to do it is to do it. The only way to grow is to grow. You have to do it even when it hurts. Even when you're the only person in the room that can hear yourself and noone else cares. THE ONLY PERSON THAT HAS TO CARE IS YOU.
Some nights I can't sleep because of the crippling fear. So many things scare me. But the only reason that they scare me is I KNOW that I'm not fighting hard enough. I know I'm coasting. And I know that if I carry on like this, all my fears will come to pass, so I can't let them.
Fears exist in the mind and I need to stop living in my mind and start living in real life.
Some nights I can't sleep because of the crippling fear. So many things scare me. But the only reason that they scare me is I KNOW that I'm not fighting hard enough. I know I'm coasting. And I know that if I carry on like this, all my fears will come to pass, so I can't let them.
Fears exist in the mind and I need to stop living in my mind and start living in real life.
12.1.12
ACID
It wasn't how she thought she'd be spending her new year.
She pulled down her too short glittery skirt and tried to make out her friends in the crowd. The neon sign of the club was blinding her. 'ACID' it said in bright pink neon lettering. No subtlety there.
She saw them huddled in a corner ear the door. They wore similar outfits to her and she hated to say it, but they looked...desperate.
'Hey' she shouted, tottering towards them in heels she could barely walk in. They waved back and Kike brought out a cigarette. She reached their small circle and gestured for a cigarette before she spoke.
'What's the plan?'
'We go in, have fun and enter a new year'...Uche tried to sound enthusiastic, but she just sounded tired.
'Ok let's go in then'
They walked towards the entrance. '20 pounds each' the bouncer said straight faced.
They watched three girls go in without paying. They didn't protest. They knew a pointless battle. They walked to the small pay booth and paid.
The lights in the club were even more painful than the neon sign. It was already packed. They found some standing space next to one of the speakers. Each beat felt like something was shattering in her brain.
This was not how she was supposed to spend new year.
Noone spoke about getting drinks. It was too loud to speak anyway and they could barely see the bar for all the people around it.
She closed her eyes for a minute and pictured what her life should be like. She should be at home convincing her child to stay up. She should be cracking jokes with her husband.
Anything. But. This.
She was 30 and in a nightclub in a too short skirt on New Years Eve desperately trying to have fun.
She felt someone tug at her sleeve. 'We're going to try the bar', someone was shouting in her ear.
'Ok'
They took it as indication that she was going to follow, but she stayed where she was. Then she ran. She ran out of the club, past the pay booth and the ugly bouncer at the door. She left her heels on a side street somewhere and didn't stop running. The pavement felt cool beneath her feet and she was hopelessly out of breath but she couldn't stop running.
When she finally stopped, she was right at the spot where the pain started. The house he lived in. The house he lived in with his family. The family that he made so quickly after her. The family that broke her heart a little more everyday. That made her life rot away gradually as if infected by a poisonous acid.
She saw a light come on in an upstairs window and watched a curtain close. She cried silently for what she promised to be the last time. This might be an equally desperate start to the new year, but at least it was honest.
Fireworks exploded around her and she could hear load chants of 'HAPPY NEW YEAR' from the insides of houses.
She started the long journey home.
It was time for a new start.
She pulled down her too short glittery skirt and tried to make out her friends in the crowd. The neon sign of the club was blinding her. 'ACID' it said in bright pink neon lettering. No subtlety there.
She saw them huddled in a corner ear the door. They wore similar outfits to her and she hated to say it, but they looked...desperate.
'Hey' she shouted, tottering towards them in heels she could barely walk in. They waved back and Kike brought out a cigarette. She reached their small circle and gestured for a cigarette before she spoke.
'What's the plan?'
'We go in, have fun and enter a new year'...Uche tried to sound enthusiastic, but she just sounded tired.
'Ok let's go in then'
They walked towards the entrance. '20 pounds each' the bouncer said straight faced.
They watched three girls go in without paying. They didn't protest. They knew a pointless battle. They walked to the small pay booth and paid.
The lights in the club were even more painful than the neon sign. It was already packed. They found some standing space next to one of the speakers. Each beat felt like something was shattering in her brain.
This was not how she was supposed to spend new year.
Noone spoke about getting drinks. It was too loud to speak anyway and they could barely see the bar for all the people around it.
She closed her eyes for a minute and pictured what her life should be like. She should be at home convincing her child to stay up. She should be cracking jokes with her husband.
Anything. But. This.
She was 30 and in a nightclub in a too short skirt on New Years Eve desperately trying to have fun.
She felt someone tug at her sleeve. 'We're going to try the bar', someone was shouting in her ear.
'Ok'
They took it as indication that she was going to follow, but she stayed where she was. Then she ran. She ran out of the club, past the pay booth and the ugly bouncer at the door. She left her heels on a side street somewhere and didn't stop running. The pavement felt cool beneath her feet and she was hopelessly out of breath but she couldn't stop running.
When she finally stopped, she was right at the spot where the pain started. The house he lived in. The house he lived in with his family. The family that he made so quickly after her. The family that broke her heart a little more everyday. That made her life rot away gradually as if infected by a poisonous acid.
She saw a light come on in an upstairs window and watched a curtain close. She cried silently for what she promised to be the last time. This might be an equally desperate start to the new year, but at least it was honest.
Fireworks exploded around her and she could hear load chants of 'HAPPY NEW YEAR' from the insides of houses.
She started the long journey home.
It was time for a new start.
11.1.12
Challenge/Competition
Happy new year my lovelies!!!
I haven't ever done a competition or challenge, so her goes both!
For 30 days, I'm going to write a short story every day.
But the ideas are going to come from you. It can be a title, the first line of the story...even a word! be creative.
For every idea, I use...the person gets a printed copy and signed copy of the story sent to them in the post.
At the end of the challenge...everyone who participates will be randomly entered into a draw to win a printed/signed copy of all the stories. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW! ONE DAY IT COULD BE WORTH SOMETHING!!! The winner would also receive other things that have not yet been identified at this point, because c'mon! I just thought of this!
lol
You can submit ideas by commenting on this post and then any of the posts in the next 30 days. You can give as many as you want. You can also tweet me the ideas @sexywriter
I promise to think more carefully about the details of the competition and come up with better prices.
But please participate guys!
xxx
I haven't ever done a competition or challenge, so her goes both!
For 30 days, I'm going to write a short story every day.
But the ideas are going to come from you. It can be a title, the first line of the story...even a word! be creative.
For every idea, I use...the person gets a printed copy and signed copy of the story sent to them in the post.
At the end of the challenge...everyone who participates will be randomly entered into a draw to win a printed/signed copy of all the stories. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW! ONE DAY IT COULD BE WORTH SOMETHING!!! The winner would also receive other things that have not yet been identified at this point, because c'mon! I just thought of this!
lol
You can submit ideas by commenting on this post and then any of the posts in the next 30 days. You can give as many as you want. You can also tweet me the ideas @sexywriter
I promise to think more carefully about the details of the competition and come up with better prices.
But please participate guys!
xxx
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