I lie

This is the truth- I lie. I lie sometimes. I lie because i'm human and sometimes its the easier thing to do. I want to be noble. I want to scream- 'I DONT LIE!!'..people are always saying all these things like 'i cant lie..im very bad at lying'...and basically all this stuff that i choose to say isnt true. Maybe it would seem like i'm trying to make myself feel better by claiming that its what everyone does- but isnt it? Dont we all at some point or the other?

Examples of times when i lie? Theres no point. I dont even lie about the big important things- i try not to lie to my mum- i dont think she deserves it..sometimes i lie about the unimportant things..just because i dont want to go into the complications that the truth will require..i dont want to deal with the aftermath of the truth..I've never asked anyone to trust me..its a choice we personally have to make and i dont think it has to do with instinct..i think its just choice- pure and simple!! But having said that, i've never given anyone a reason not to trust me..

Why am i thinking about this now? I dont know. I lie- judge me

From him to him..and him

Ok this is how it is right now...

So in the process of getting over Foil- i got really close to this guy-T. So you know how the cliche goes- now me and T are unofficially together. People start asking all these questions about how he got over me and Foil and whether i am infact over him and all that. Truth is-i dont think it matters that much to him- i'm with him now, arent i? although he does raise doubts about whether i'm truly over Foil. So one day i call Foil- this person that i talked to like everyday for 6 months..and he picks up the phone...i go like 'hii'..he goes hi..*insert name of ex girlfriend- the only ex he has had in 4 years*...understandably..i was quite irritated...hmmm where am i going with all this..oh yeah..so yesterday..for some weird reason..i just thought..'flabby yes or no answer- are u completely over Foil??'..um..no.That irritates me because i really like T-he makes me happy- but it would hurt me to think that he's just some sort of rebound guy.

So what's my point??
Is T a rebound guy?? (God i hope not..i dont want to hurt him because he's so good to me)

I know this is a question i can only answer myself- i just want to see it in writing.

And speaking of T..hes been resorting to emotional blackmail to get me to give him by blog URL! I keep trying to explain to him that i need something separate that he cant see into- but apart from obvious curiosity-its like he wants to see all of me-see into my soul..that was a ridiculously cheesy line, but thats really how it seems!!

Then theres another guy thats there. I'm fond of him- i really am..but he keeps planning stuff in 'our' future- like my bday which is a good three months away!! why?? lol..i cant even mention stuff that i like when i'm talking to him because theres a good possibilty that hell buy it!! i mean-there are nice people and all..but this is slightly ridiculous- T takes the mick out of him a lot..impying that hes desperate and all- me thinks someone is just jealous!!

I'm scared i'll wake up one morning and not feel anything for him-T..but he's scared i'll wake up one morning and not feel anything too--am i really that fickle???

xx

Random Midnight Ramblings

I finally figured what it is about someone leaving you that hurts so much. it’s the fact that one day they loved you, they felt something for you and almost as suddenly as they felt it, it disappeared. So you lie awake thinking of that time they held you till you fell asleep, or whispered to you about their childhood while watching the sunrise, the time they brushed the hair out of your eyes and when they held you so tight, you thought tou would never breathe again. You think of the kisses that went on forever and the hugs that were a little too long…and you wonder how they just stopped feeling anything. What happened? How did they go from missing you to not thinking about you? How did you go from talking everyday to not having anything to say? How is it that now you’re hardly even friends, how is it that they’ve shut you out of their life without you even knowing?

That-more than anything is what hurts the most.


Sometimes I feel like I want to be on the outside looking at myself. I want to see how I laugh-how I look when im listening..I want to look at myself the way other people see me. I find it hard to understand how you can be whoever you want to be to yourself but you will always be who people want you to be to them. Whats the point?? Why do we lie to ourselves?? We are who people want us to be. Why do we have to fight to be who we say we are??

Weddings make me sad. Its looking at that love-the kind that is so overwhelming that people decided that they want it to last forever. Now im not in any way disillusioned. I know that some marriages fall apart. They hardly last forever. What matters is that at that moment when they say their vows and the other moments when they swap rings and walk down the aisles, give speeches and dance with their friends-they truly feel as if they are going to feel that way forever. I think how magical it must be to feel that strongly for someone-its more amazing for someone to feel like that about you. I want someone to feel lucky that they are with me- I want them to feel like ‘this girl is bloody amazing, how come she wants to be with me-im so fortunate’. I don’t have that and that’s what makes me sad.

It's Over

So..im over him! I should be ecstatic..but i feel strangely..dissapointed?? dissapointed that its not harder..dissapointed that now theres this vague, empty feeling where my obsession used to be..Am i crazy?? Or needy? Do i just need an avenue to channel my emotional energy??

Conversation With my Mind

Why do you do the things you do?
Love makes you do crazy things

So you admit that you love him?
I dont know. I dont know if what i feel is real, or infatuation or if its just because i cant have him

What are you going to do?
I dont know. How am i going to get over him?

What do you think you should do?
I think i should stop talking to him. That might level my emotions somewhat.

Can you?
Can i? i guess i can. i'm not saying it would be easy but its not impossible. to make it easier i can do the delete number route....

I'm exhausted . Because i think all the time. My friend asked 'how long are you going to use Foil as an excuse?'..Why am i always looking for excuses. Why do i throw myself totally and completely into things i cant have? What i dont get is...If im making excuses to protect myself, why am i setting myself up for the dissapointment i'm supposed to be running away from?

LOL..im obviously in the process of getting over someone..so forgive my posts.

xx

Laziness

Ok. I'm actually going to post. It might be long or short...i'm just going to follow my train of thought.

So...first of all..i want to thank blogville for their love!!lol

I'm lazy. Now thats ok when it comes to cleaning my room and stuff...because really..im the one that has to live with the results of my laziness...but ive realised that in making decisions..i usually take the easy way out. Like last weekend..i was staying alone in a hotel (the reason for this is long winded)..i call up a copule of my friends in this state..(i was in another state)...anyway i call up this particular person that i had 'something' with last summer. So he comes over..quite late.maybe like half 11. It would be good to point out that i have no feelings for him...im too hung up on Foil.

So anyway...he comes over. We are just hanging out and all... then he starts trying stuff..i would like to describe the process of one thing leading to another..but this blog isnt exactly private..so i'd rather not.But anyway..this is me saying 'leave me alone'..it probably didnt help that i was laughing (thats the way i am..i laugh even when im deadly serious)..maybe i should have just kicked him out..but im not dramatic like that! so eventually i gave in..kissed him and he went on his way. ..he wanted us to meet up again..but somehow..i thought i shouldnt. Now how does this relate to me being lazy..well..i always take the easy option..the lazy part of my brain just says ú might as well'..now this also exhibits in other areas of my life...like breaking up instead of trying, shutting up instead of getting my point across articulately..etc..I think i might do something about this..Realising the problem is half of the solution right???

I've kind of forgotten how ruthless nigerian guys can be in chasing a person..as in really..i find people that follow me in their cars quite rude...

Foil- hmmm..somehow i dont know...maybe i do like people i cant get..i keep thinking ím never going to find anyone like him'...but really..i can probably say that of most of the people ive been with...then i think do i want to find someone that is so closed up...someone that u know so much about and think that u know nothing at all..someone has such a thick mask of politeness that you can never tell what the hell they really think! U know how we always think that people should be more poilte? I really think we shouldnt be. Sometimes its our natural human nature to turn towards rude tendencies and we shouldnt supress it because sometimes thats the only way to actually figure out what people REALLY feel. Its hard to know that someone will always talk to you..they will return your calls and reply ypur texts..they would be pleasant..they will ask about u and remember stuff uve talked about before..they will listen and give advice..they wil be warm and responsive to ur questions..but you can never tell whether it is just because they are polite or if they really mean it!

Now i'm sure you're wondering what the hell im on about and thinking 'someoone cannot be that nice if they dont mean it'...u dont know foil.

Minky!!! have u stopped blogging because of the hijack???

Wow..so much to say..so much to say...but somehow the zeal to write it..to put it in words is hard.i hope i get over this temporary block soon..and get back to proper blogging!!

Before anyone asks...I AM FINE!!! lol!

xx

Its crazy..

Its crazy
i'm crazy about you

Cant imagine, you imagine, i feel how i do

The feeling i get from looking in your eyes
Then you look away, i sigh, i wanna cry

I want you, so badly
cant you see??

You amaze me, confuse me, make me laugh
Then destroy me, sadden me
I almost want to die

It's crazy im crazy about you
Cant imagine, you imagine i feel like i do.

ps- for all that come to read substance, not cheesy poetry..i promise to blog soon!!

xx

I wish...

I wish i was still ignorant of hypocrisy
whispered words and righteous faces

I wish i was still ignorant of heartbreak
shattered hearts and sleepless nights

I wish i was still ignorant of loneliness
alone in a crowded room

I wish i was still ignorant
alone in an empty womb.

Stupidity

Pushy. I wonder if i'm pushy. When i think of pushy...a picture of a really annoying person comes to mind..i guess in some ways im annoying..but everybody is entitled to be annoying sometimes right?? Someone called me pushy..and today i was thinking about it..i guess i am in some ways.I think i might be delusional as well. If you ask someone 'do you like me?' and they say 'i havnt thought about us in that way'..then the person has politely said..'um..no'..Why is this just realisation just coming to me today?? After days and days of making myself look more stupid than i've already done. i think theres a reason why girls pick 'bastards'..because they always know where they stand.Polite people? not so much..they answer everything so diplomatically, you dont pick up the hints until its to late and you look too stupid..*hits head*..I feel like SUCH an IDIOT!!

It seems like i'm always writing about a guy. this guy. Because he makes me feel like i can sometimes reach a level of stupidity i didnt know i had. I can deal with someone not liking me..etc..what really makes me feel stupid is all those diplomatic hints that i just DID NOT get!! I dont know what to say anymore. i guess im just going to keep on cringeing till i get over it and learn to tune my 'hint reception' to a higher frequency.

I'm really not this stupid. I would actually say i'm quite smart. I'm not this obsessive. I would even say i'm fickle. I just dont know what to say anymore. I guess i dont know myself as well as i thought i did.

Dear You...

Dear You,

I don't even know where to start. The way we met was not spectacular. Friend of a friend. But the moment i saw you..u intrigued me. Maybe it was the attitude, the careless half smile, the way conversations were always finished...but always felt like there was more..like there was a hustle for your time.

I was different straight away. Yes, i wanted to preach girl power and being strong! I wanted to follow the rules and make you chase me. It was a risk i wasn't willing to take. I called you. I talked to you. I became friends with you. But we were stuck in a time capsule..one that didn't shift. I still called..you still laugh..but u didn't call..You didn't talk to me..you listened..you answered whatever you were asked. My friends said..'maybe u don't give him time to call you'..i gave you time. nothing.

After a while, i stopped waiting for you to call. I called you..and i was happy when i made you laugh. I didn't analyse anything you said. What was the point..you were clearly not into me. Two months and not a single call. Not a single text. This is the point where everyone says I'm crazy. But no one said so. No one asked me to leave you alone.

To put it down is difficult. i don't know if what we have is 'a' history or 'my' history. Everything that has ever happened, i started. Our first conversation, our first dance, our first kiss. Our first kiss. If i allowed myself for a minute to believe that actions speak louder than words..i would believe that you felt for me almost what i felt for you. But its hard to pit action against no words.

Its hard. I don't know what to say to you. The words don't even come to me when i write. All of this shouldn't matter. you're leaving soon. But it does matter. Even if this is the last time i see you, i want you to know how i feel. I want to know that if we had time, you might have broken out of your defence and made 'us' happen.

This doesn't make total sense, but i don't know how else to say this to you. I don't know how else to explain that i have broken ALL of my defences and crossed ALL of my boundaries to get here with you. But somehow, it doesn't feel like a victory. it feels like a mistake.