Distance

I've come to the conclusion that long distance relationships arent infact relationships at all. whats the point?

- of the constant phoneversations? you talk and talk and talk. Some people might argue that this is infact a good thing- but i think too much of everything is bad. You will end up saying stuff that you should NOT say.

- of being alone in all ways but in your heart. You wake up alone with empty dreams and hope that you'll see each other at some future point

- of not being able to hold hands, watch a movie, just chill, not say anything- just be.

- and the strangest thing about distance is that theres so much space- but not enough of it ( i cant explain this)

I respect everyone that makes the decision to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm just not strong enough to live on a diet of words and space. 'i miss you's' and 'i wish you were here'

But then maybe its just me

xx

Reality

so foil has someone new in his life- wat am i supposed to feel? honestly? i dont know wat i feel

Don't

Dont chase me away. I run far, fast and i dont look back.

Tears

I wish that one day i would wake up and understand everything. Most of all-myself. that one day i would become this strong, resilient person that everyone imagines me to be. I would be moralistic and motivated. I would think i was beautiful- look at myself in the mirror and through the eyes of other people and be confident that what they see is really me-beautiful. I wish i wish so hard, that i would stop being needy. I wouldnt be afraid that if i let someone in-they are going to leave. I wish i wasn't stupid- i wish i could see- really really believe when someone loved me.

I dont know when my simple wish started to sound poetic, but i really do wish these things were true. I dont need a pyscologist to tell me that i have issues- i guess in a way everyone has issues. I just want mine to dissapear. I want to stop feeling like im incapable of being loved or whatever. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I always feel like giving myself a good kick when i tear up. Ok- so what- two dads left you- thats not personal-that had nothing to do with you- so what you have low self esteem-loads of people do- poor social skills? nothing that cant be improved on- ur needy? tie ur hands behind your back when you want to make whiny calls in the middle of the night

I dont know- I dont know. Sometimes i think life is too hard. But its supposed to be hard right? I know were not supposed to do it alone though. Why do i feel like im doing it alone a lot of the time? Why do i not have God? yeah- everyone has told me- just pray-yeah just go to church-ull get Him back- its not easy. i want to scream 'I DONT HAVE HiM AND I WANT HIM BACK BECAUSE ITS TOO HARD WITHOUT HIM'...because it is- i dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore-those days should be over..

ps- i do have a happy side- i have another blog..This is my emotional side.

What i dont get

what i dont get is... how come we love people differntly..maybe i speak for myself when i say this..but everytime i'm loving someone new..i keep waiting to feel the same way i felt last time..even if i might feel as strong..its never quite the same! Sometimes i feel that 'desperate.i think about u all the time' feeling..and sometimes its just a 'warm-im happy when i think of you' feeling. I dont think it means any less either time..its just... different.

What i dont get is..how come when you're with someone..you really believe they love you..like totally..completely..but then when things go wrong..and maybe their feelings change, you never believe they loved u in the first place. Does that make it easier to move on? Thinking that someone never cared? Is it that you cant bear to think that they DID love you and they dont anymore?? Or is it because love is supposed to be everlasting? But what if they still love you and it just isnt enough??

What i dont get is how quickly things change..people change..or does it just appear to be fast? maybe signs were there and you just didnt see??

What i dont get is how i love so hard..my heart hurts and i always pick people that cant love me back..dont want to love me back..quite so completely..

What i dont get is how to accept things that cannot change

I lie

This is the truth- I lie. I lie sometimes. I lie because i'm human and sometimes its the easier thing to do. I want to be noble. I want to scream- 'I DONT LIE!!'..people are always saying all these things like 'i cant lie..im very bad at lying'...and basically all this stuff that i choose to say isnt true. Maybe it would seem like i'm trying to make myself feel better by claiming that its what everyone does- but isnt it? Dont we all at some point or the other?

Examples of times when i lie? Theres no point. I dont even lie about the big important things- i try not to lie to my mum- i dont think she deserves it..sometimes i lie about the unimportant things..just because i dont want to go into the complications that the truth will require..i dont want to deal with the aftermath of the truth..I've never asked anyone to trust me..its a choice we personally have to make and i dont think it has to do with instinct..i think its just choice- pure and simple!! But having said that, i've never given anyone a reason not to trust me..

Why am i thinking about this now? I dont know. I lie- judge me

From him to him..and him

Ok this is how it is right now...

So in the process of getting over Foil- i got really close to this guy-T. So you know how the cliche goes- now me and T are unofficially together. People start asking all these questions about how he got over me and Foil and whether i am infact over him and all that. Truth is-i dont think it matters that much to him- i'm with him now, arent i? although he does raise doubts about whether i'm truly over Foil. So one day i call Foil- this person that i talked to like everyday for 6 months..and he picks up the phone...i go like 'hii'..he goes hi..*insert name of ex girlfriend- the only ex he has had in 4 years*...understandably..i was quite irritated...hmmm where am i going with all this..oh yeah..so yesterday..for some weird reason..i just thought..'flabby yes or no answer- are u completely over Foil??'..um..no.That irritates me because i really like T-he makes me happy- but it would hurt me to think that he's just some sort of rebound guy.

So what's my point??
Is T a rebound guy?? (God i hope not..i dont want to hurt him because he's so good to me)

I know this is a question i can only answer myself- i just want to see it in writing.

And speaking of T..hes been resorting to emotional blackmail to get me to give him by blog URL! I keep trying to explain to him that i need something separate that he cant see into- but apart from obvious curiosity-its like he wants to see all of me-see into my soul..that was a ridiculously cheesy line, but thats really how it seems!!

Then theres another guy thats there. I'm fond of him- i really am..but he keeps planning stuff in 'our' future- like my bday which is a good three months away!! why?? lol..i cant even mention stuff that i like when i'm talking to him because theres a good possibilty that hell buy it!! i mean-there are nice people and all..but this is slightly ridiculous- T takes the mick out of him a lot..impying that hes desperate and all- me thinks someone is just jealous!!

I'm scared i'll wake up one morning and not feel anything for him-T..but he's scared i'll wake up one morning and not feel anything too--am i really that fickle???

xx

Random Midnight Ramblings

I finally figured what it is about someone leaving you that hurts so much. it’s the fact that one day they loved you, they felt something for you and almost as suddenly as they felt it, it disappeared. So you lie awake thinking of that time they held you till you fell asleep, or whispered to you about their childhood while watching the sunrise, the time they brushed the hair out of your eyes and when they held you so tight, you thought tou would never breathe again. You think of the kisses that went on forever and the hugs that were a little too long…and you wonder how they just stopped feeling anything. What happened? How did they go from missing you to not thinking about you? How did you go from talking everyday to not having anything to say? How is it that now you’re hardly even friends, how is it that they’ve shut you out of their life without you even knowing?

That-more than anything is what hurts the most.


Sometimes I feel like I want to be on the outside looking at myself. I want to see how I laugh-how I look when im listening..I want to look at myself the way other people see me. I find it hard to understand how you can be whoever you want to be to yourself but you will always be who people want you to be to them. Whats the point?? Why do we lie to ourselves?? We are who people want us to be. Why do we have to fight to be who we say we are??

Weddings make me sad. Its looking at that love-the kind that is so overwhelming that people decided that they want it to last forever. Now im not in any way disillusioned. I know that some marriages fall apart. They hardly last forever. What matters is that at that moment when they say their vows and the other moments when they swap rings and walk down the aisles, give speeches and dance with their friends-they truly feel as if they are going to feel that way forever. I think how magical it must be to feel that strongly for someone-its more amazing for someone to feel like that about you. I want someone to feel lucky that they are with me- I want them to feel like ‘this girl is bloody amazing, how come she wants to be with me-im so fortunate’. I don’t have that and that’s what makes me sad.

It's Over

So..im over him! I should be ecstatic..but i feel strangely..dissapointed?? dissapointed that its not harder..dissapointed that now theres this vague, empty feeling where my obsession used to be..Am i crazy?? Or needy? Do i just need an avenue to channel my emotional energy??

Conversation With my Mind

Why do you do the things you do?
Love makes you do crazy things

So you admit that you love him?
I dont know. I dont know if what i feel is real, or infatuation or if its just because i cant have him

What are you going to do?
I dont know. How am i going to get over him?

What do you think you should do?
I think i should stop talking to him. That might level my emotions somewhat.

Can you?
Can i? i guess i can. i'm not saying it would be easy but its not impossible. to make it easier i can do the delete number route....

I'm exhausted . Because i think all the time. My friend asked 'how long are you going to use Foil as an excuse?'..Why am i always looking for excuses. Why do i throw myself totally and completely into things i cant have? What i dont get is...If im making excuses to protect myself, why am i setting myself up for the dissapointment i'm supposed to be running away from?

LOL..im obviously in the process of getting over someone..so forgive my posts.

xx