Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can stay bubbling under the surface, threatening to burst out. It can be so overwhelming that you literally go insane from the feeling. I've been so angry sometimes that I felt like i would explode. But i don't think anger is a dangerous emotion because it makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. Lots of emotions do that. It's the fact that sometimes it stays buried so deep that you don't even know it's there. And then one day, it springs up on you.

I've been shocked by my anger many times. That buried anger seems to me the start of psychopath behavior. When you smile and look calm on the outside but you're really sharpening knives in your mind. You can't bring it up, because you're probably angry about an incident that has passed. Something you should be 'over'. So you live with it, pretend it doesn't exist. Live with it in the hope that it would dissapear.

But what if it doesn't? What happens when you explode?

Check out my new blog

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/

It's italian for 'fashion wisdom' and looks at different ideas from a fashion angle, so it's not just about fashion!

Enjoy.

xx

What are you afraid of?

Getting shot. Never getting rid of my insecurities. Never becoming successful. Never becoming rich.

What are you afraid of?

Letting people know what i'm afraid of. Really letting them get into my head. My soul. Knowing me.

What are you afraid of?
Always being afraid. Never becoming uncrippled.

What are you afraid of?
Remaining positive to the point of delusion. Becoming negative to the point of not being able to recognise what's positive anymore.

What are you afraid of?
Floating. Constantly floating with no anchor. Fleeting moments of happiness punctuating a wall of perpetual sadness.

What are you afraid of?
myself.

Love.

Relationships with people are important, but no relationship is as important as the one with yourself. A lot of people don't realise this, but most of us realise it and choose to forget it anyway. There's this constant struggle to be something other people want us to be. We want to change the way we are, compromise so we can be acceptable to the people around us. How many times does a girl become someone totally different because of a guy? How many times does she compromise, settle and accept stuff that she normally finds abominable so there would be a chance that a guy likes her more, stays with her?

If there's one thing i've learnt, it's this. You have to love yourself first. You have to have acceptable and unacceptable, you have to be completely comfortable with the person you are. That way, when you are a fully formed person, you don't need someone to 'make you a better person', you are already comfortable with the person you are. The only thing someone can do is make you WANT to improve YOURSELF. Not improve you. Change should always come from within. If you don't love yourself, or you have flawed emotions towards yourself, you can only give flawed love. You always think you're loving more, when you love someone else, but you're only loving as much as you can yourself. And sometimes, its negative because you're idolizing another person above yourself. You are saying 'you are more worthy of my love than I am'.

We all want to be more confident, more patient, more understanding, have more wisdom. These things start from love. People always think they don't have love in their life, because they are waiting for someone else to bring it. If you love yourself, you always have love in your life and love invites love, so it's a win-win situation.

Love yourself.

Lying to one's self. That's the biggest crime isn't it? self- deceit. In Dante's poem he said that basically the highest level of hell is for those that lie to themselves. But if that's true, isn't that where everyone ends up? Because we all lie to ourselves. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes, it's just that one lie. That one big lie that we've told ourselves so long that it's practically become the truth.

I lie to myself. A lot. But Off course when you lie, you have to invent a whole long-winded bullshit theory to go with your lie. I have so many bullshit theories, I wonder which of them is based on lie and which has any basis in truth or actual belief.

Like morality is over-rated? What does that even mean. Morality is morality. Morality is necessary and the only people that think it's over-rated are people that are immoral. It's funny how when I want to justify my theories, I go to extremes and talk to people that I would condemn on a normal day. Suddenly, i'm spilling stuff about humans being imperfect and other people being judgmental and how noone should point fingers. Bullshit basically.

I know in a twisted way, we need to lie to ourselves sometimes. If only to maintain sanity. However, I want to stop lying to myself. First, about my expectations. I expect more. I deserve more. I need to stop lying to myself that mediocre is enough, because it isn't. So in the interest of putting things to paper in order to overcome them:

Lies I tell myself and often believe:
1. I don't believe in relationships- yes. relationships are hard. People act like nastier versions of themselves. Pain is intensified by 5000. It's hard to believe, when so many people choose to act like dicks in general. In all honesty, I do. It's the reason I watch One Tree Hill for goodness sake. That show is all love and cheese. I believe whole-heartedly in relationships, and I believe that once I stop choosing dicks, I'll have a chance at being in one.

2. Morality is over-rated. Everytime I spit this line, check- i'm probably doing something immoral. In life there IS black and white and while the lines blur on occasion, and people usually have justifications for doing bad things. There is morality. It just exists and over-rated or not, something bad is something bad.

Coming to the realisation that someone you care about doesn't care about you is hard. I think as humans, our brains tend to function in terms of actions rather than emotion. That is, if someone does this, this and this then they care. If they do this, this and this, then they don't. I think this is really really false. Don't get me wrong- actions definitely show emotion, but are not always the correct indication.

For example, think of the way most people treat family. You love your family to bits but often take them for granted. Many people will say they will die for any member of their immediate family (jury's still out for that one), but in day to day interaction, they take their family for granted. Not calling as often as they should, not being there as much as they can, etc.

So why do we hold non-family members to a higher standard? Because we are already sure of the family's feelings?

Sometimes actions mean everything. Sometimes actions mean nothing.

The problem with black and white is that it doesn't exist. In skin colour or in life issues. Caramel, chocolate, tan...even with people that are so dark, they shine, I've never met someone with black skin. And even on the palest of complexions, never white skin.

So in a world where people are constantly classified as black or white,despite the facts that these colours do not exist on people, why do we expect situations to be black or white. Even when there are no shades of grey, there are shades of brown and almost nothing is exact and straightforward. In reading authors like Jodi Picoult, I' ve come to see the distinct emotional reasoning behind every situation. Even the law recognises this, which is why people can be charged either for manslaughter or murder for the same act of killing. Its always the intent that shapes a situation, rather than the actual outcome.

Let go of black and white notions. It clouds judgement. Actually, it creates judgement where there should be none. I can think of a few of my friends who would do good to stop judging things so harshly and just consider things strictly on their merit.

Shame. I hate feeling ashamed. Embarrased. They aren't necessarily the same thing, but one seems to follow the other. We all have this image of ourselves that we need to protect. And whenever we do something to destroy that image. It's hard. It's always harder when I do something that hurts myself. People hurting me is bearable. Understandable. They are human, they can only hurt. But can I apply that to myself? I am human so I can only hurt...myself?

Shame. When the shame passes, everything is fine. Everything else pales in comparison. Because if you don't respect yourself? what do you have?

I've stopped searching myself. I know what's inside and I don't want to confront it. On some level, I know what i'm doing. I know all the things i'm doing wrong. I see what's negative about who i've become. But I don't want to confront it. Because I don't feel strong enough. It's weird. I believe i'm worthy of being this strong smart person. But i'm scared to actually become that person. So she stays in my head and I watch the shadow live. I know who I am truly. For all my faults, I've always been proud of me. Lately, I don't know. All i seem to do now is develop philosophies to justify the unjustifiable. Is that what becoming an adult is about? Being afraid? Starting to 'realise' that life is not perfect? That people do things they never thought they would?

It's funny how principles weaken as we grow older, because we grow into the idea that any expectation of perfection is 'naive'. That childlike believe that anything is possible is replaced with stability, failure and fear. Expectations. Let's not forget expectations. I'm frozen in this place where I can't move forward because I don't want to face up to the present. Hours pass, days pass, weeks, months. And I feel like I can't start that process of self- realisation. Because i'm afraid. Because i'm an adult and there are all these expectations. Because all my dreams cannot actually come true. Because I would have to be strong. And I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to believe in anything. I just want to be cynical and stuck. In this limbo-like place. Afraid.

Happy New Year!

With the number of posts ive written in my head, i find it weird that I havent actually updated my blog in the new year! Happy New Year!

I bought a domain name and everything, it took ages to set it up and THEN I decided to upgrade something. Utter disaster. So now im back to zero. I have no idea what possessed me to buy it in the first place.

I'm skinny! Well not skinny, slim. For the first time in 6 years, I have my 26 inch waist back. Overly excited. It feels really really good! I get slightly annoyed that people just start up conversations with me about their weight. It's like, its ok to ask me if I did anything and if I have any tips, but don't start a random conversation telling me what dress size you are and how much you weigh. What am I supposed to say?

This year i'm going to become a free-lance writer. I dont know how though! Who knows how???

I'm going to find a new obsession, instead of heartbreak and heartache and boys. Seriously- there's more to life (or is there really?)

Just a quick post checking in! Be back soon

xx