For some people, relationships are like a trip. You read about a place, see pictures and videos- it all seems extremely exciting , so you book a trip. The trip is great! Or maybe it isn't, but you take loads of photos and are eager to go back home. At home, you show off the photos and tell people about the trp, relieving the memories...but you don't plan to move there or even go back there. You might go again, if someone is paying and you have free time; you might even WANT to go back there because it was so much fun... But at the end, you always, always want to come back home.

The key to the right relationship is when the destination becomes home....but this rarely happens. So all that's left is to enjoy the trip.

Even when you're the destination.

HEY EVERYONE!!!

IT'S TOO HARD.

Life.

It's like a never ending obstacle course.

I'm tired of crossing obstacles.

Mon dieu!

What is it about retrospect that makes it so much clearer than the present?

Is it actually clearer? Or do memory and imagination connive to create a clear picture in order to move on?

Like the realisation that something you believed at the time was real actually had no substance...actually couldn't have worked.

How come you start to see clearly- never being let in. Never knowing names and places and events. Never really being anything but a voice on the other side of the phone. A train station fantasy. A practise run for what to say...how to behave.

The present makes you believe things that arent true. Attaches too much importance to meaningless things. Words and smiles and feelings...that fade away. The present doesn't care about substance...it cares about happiness. Even if that happiness is false. It cares about laughter...it's all about the deceit...because the present has too much 'hope' and 'optimism' and wants so badly to 'believe'.

Retrospect is real. When the words and the smiles peel away. What's left...that's real. That's retrospect.

I think I've passed the stage where my relationship with one person affects my relationships with other people. Just because someone lies, doesn't mean everyone lies. Just because someone hurt me doesn't mean everyone is out to hurt me.

On the other hand, I've come to realise that you can't always find the good in everyone. I'm the sort of person that hangs on to any friend past all their mistakes, past any hurt...because I believe that inherently, we are good people who sometimes do bad things. However, that is a naive and quite frankly, silly point of view. Some people are bad. Maybe they are good deep inside, but as long as they are bad pour moi...I have to regard them as bad and toss them out of my life.

This brings me to yet another realisation. Not everyone deserves to be in your life. I used to hate the word deserve. To me, it spoke of self-righteousness...'he doesn't deserve me' 'she doesn't deserve a friend like me'...i always thought...'well what makes you so damn great?' we are all flawed in some way...but the truth is DESERVE is a word that is now real in my mind. Not everyone deserves my time or my attention. Not everyone deserves to be in my life. Life is long. Very long...and if so early in my twenties, I start carrying baggage of dead-weight friends...where's the space in my life in the future for people that might actually help me?Sometimes baggage feels so comforting and we want people in our lives strictly out of habit. Habit is not enough...if someone doesn't add ANYTHING to your life...anything positive...even if it's just the person that always makes you laugh...why are they there?

Also...i'm pretty tired of the people that cling to me when they have tons of baggage...They need advice...they need me to listen...and suddenly they are back in my life with vengeance...I soak up their tears and calm their woes...problems vanish and so do they! Suddenly life gets in the way...until the next crisis when they need me for tea, tissues and unlimited listening minutes. ENOUGH. Friends are supposed to 'share'. I am not there as the free excess baggage trolley. I have my own life...and if someone is not willing to be there for me if I need to talk at 3 in the morning (which incidentally, I never do)...then I don't want to be the agony aunt. I don't want to listen to variations of the same event and offer advice that gets tossed in the end. Selfishness is now my goal. After all, even the bible says 'love your neighbour AS THYSELF'...NOT MORE THAN!

I'm grateful for my friends...they are amazing, patient and care about me as much as I should care for myself. I'm grateful for this blog because its the ONLY thing i've ever kept at this long and obviously...I have the most amazing followers.

Enough rant for the night.

Back soon.

*Bisous*

Many times in life, I lose my identity. It always starts with not knowing what to wear. The moment I can't instinctively pick out an outfit that makes me feel good...I know that I've lost my identity AGAIN.

It's hard. I'm not sure what music I really like, what I most want to read...I overthink my conversations...cannot really write and all the while in my head...I'm hearing...who am I exactly?

I don't know that there's a solution...I guess you just live and wait for the day when you know instinctively what to wear again!

The Rebound

The whole world is just one big rebound.

You don't get the job you want...so you apply for another.

You see a nice dress in the sale but they don't have it in your size...so you buy another.

So is rebound a dirty word in relationships?

Why should you take time to dwell on the past in order to 'move on'?

Sometimes I don't even know where people get these ideals from. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A REBOUND. Generally. In specific situations, people need time to learn how to trust-etc. But generally, a rebound relationship is perfectly fine.

So stop crying on your sofa, watching rom-coms.

Rebound.

Whatever Will Be, Will Be.

I don't believe in fairytales. You know the one that tells you that if you act like a princess long enough, you'll find your prince charming? Better still- the ones that tell you that you don't HAVE TO be a princess yourself because prince charming really likes regular flawed girls. This is what I believe.

It's never about you. people think that if they are funny and interesting, then they will snag some guy. Guess what? Loads of people are funny and interesting, and in the big scheme of things, funny and interesting is an infinitesimal part of things. You know the difference between someone listening to what you had for lunch and how you nearly tripped over a stone and someone who doesnt care? Yep. The fact that they don't care. Your personality doesnt come first. Emotions do. Contrary to popular belief, your personality doesnt influence emotions as much as you like to think they do. Infact, physical attraction is probably way way way higher up the list- because our minds convince our hearts of what is right in the end.

So don't fuss too much about being something that you think will make you attractive. Just be yourself- because in the end...whatever will be, will be.

Staying

There's a lot to be said for staying.

Isnt that what God does?
Yes- in everything relating to how much we should take...I reference God.

Basically, we can do anything- and as long as we can appreciate that we were wrong, we can start over.

How come with humans, it's all 'I forgive you but...'

'But we can never be friends again'

'But I can never trust you again'

'But this kind of behaviour is unacceptable'

There are too many conditions. Staying is weak or stupid or just against the general principle of life.

But why?

I'm not a stayer and it's the people who act the worst that comment on the fact that I'm always looking for an opportunity to run away. So obviously, I put what they say down to bullshit...like how can you add badly and then be-grudge me for running away?

But when I think about it...staying means something. Staying is something we don't try enough.

I don't mean staying when you might end up dead.

Or staying when the only way you can sleep is sleeping pills.

Or staying when your betrayal is too deep to stay and forgive.

Or staying when you're.just.not.happy.

You know what? I was wrong...leaving is definitely how it's supposed to be.

A STORY

She looked at the knife on the table like she was looking from outside. Then she realised that she actually was looking from outside. He was crying into his hands. Her lifeless body was folded across the chair. Her favorite zara top slashed where he cut when he attacked.

He didn't mean to.

Even as she looked at her own lifeless body, she felt sympathy for him. He was only acting out of anger. He loved her. He didn't mean to.

She moved closer as he moved closer, wishing he could reverse time. He whispered her name- she thought shouting would be a better way to get to her, but maybe that was just her- she was getting bored with the scene. She missed him already. Then she missed her body because apparently ghosts couldn't cry.

Was she even a ghost?

She sat on the arm of the chair. She still seemed able to sit- certainly not what the movies made you believe.

She wondered for the first time what she was still doing next to her body. Surely she should be moving quickly up or down. What's it going to be God...am I burning or becoming an angel?

He would never hold her again...She felt sad just looking at him. She loved him so much.

She looked at her body. He was looking for bin bags to wrap her in. Noone was going to find out. There was no way he was going to get away with killing her. Even by mistake.

Or was he?

He killed her. She had been looking but not really seeing.

HE. KILLED. HER.

And it didn't matter if he meant to do it or not. she was STILL dead.

She panicked. 'I hate you'

In that moment, he saw her and screamed. The look of terror on his face gave her as much satisfaction as you could feel when you were watching you get stuffed into a cheap bin bag.

He would never forget.

Then again. She would never live.

She started to fade from the scene.

Oh no..what now?

THE END.

THANK YOU

I just want to say thank you to all my followers. Old and new. This blog is extremely selfish and often self-centered and I don't say thank you enough. I PROMISE I go on every single one of your blogs if you follow or comment.

To further my appreciation, I want your submissions. As most of you can tell, I tend to be pretty obsessed with love and relationships. So if you have an experience you want to share, some advice or something you want me to write about- email- sexywriterchic (at) gmail (dot) com

It doesn't have to be long or short- it can be ANYTHING. I would especially love to hear your personal experiences with emotional stuff.

I look forward to hearing your voices for a change.

xx