Happy Holidays

I hate holidays. The same way I hate birthdays and graduation. There's just this over-whelming sense of 'have fun' that makes me feel under pressure. I just want to chill. I was going to spend Christmas alone, but apparently that's a no-no. Answering the question 'what are you doing'? was met with gasps and invitations to random family lunches. On Christmas day, I had a stomach-ache. I just wanted to spend my whole day in bed with a hot water bottle. But I smiled and helped with food and made conversation and called people, because that's what you do on Christmas day. Truthfully, I'm glad it's over and I can't wait to settle into the new year.

What's up with this snow? I'm so frigging bored of it right now. I want heat. I want to dress for summer. I want to go outside and not slip on ice. I want my fingers to not feel like they are falling off after 10 minutes. Sigh.

I clearly need love in my life. Maybe the fat guy that comes down the chimney (not that I have one, but I'm sure he uses windows too) left me a belated present. Love in the new year.

Of Everybody

What is with this concept of everybody? If you've ever studied sociology or any such behavioural module, you'll notice that the concept of 'everybody' is very important. Because everybody creates social norms and from a really young age, we are taught that to follow what is accepted by 'everybody' is what is right and good, and if you're not like everybody, you're crazy. In fact, there's increasing research from behavioural economics that shows that parents and parenting have little to do with the way a child turns out and in fact peer group and society has more to account for actions of kids. 'Everybody'.

Imagine the struggle against racism without Martin Luther King Jr or South African history without Nelson Mandela. This concept of 'everybody' really bugs me, because one person can effect a massive change that sometimes everybody cannot do. Hitler started a frigging war. This Jewish man successfully brainwashed people into thinking that all Jews were bad! He was Jewish for goodness sake!! But still- this one person was so powerful that in two years he had murdered thousands and thousands of people. One person. Do you know that one person invented bin bags? Yes, its crazy, but one man did it- black bin bags, and today bin bags are a natural part of the kitchen. One person.

I use these popular examples because I need everyone to think about being someone. One person. Have you ever thought your idea was crazy because it wasn't what everyone did? Our daily lives are guided by 'everybody' principles. Anyone that thinks differently has a negative label- 'hippy', 'conspiracy theorist', etc.

Forget biblical moral principles- 'everybody' created another one. So now yes, sex is not bad, but if you have sex and collect something afterwards- that's different. It's prostitution. Now I'm not debating sex, in fact I'm veering off topic. This is my point: don't be stuck in the mind-frame of 'everybody'. Don't be afraid to test out your crazy idea. Live your life the way YOU believe it should be. Ignore some rules and make your own. At the end of the day, it's your happiness that matters. Be selfish- think like SOMEBODY and believe me, if you believe in something hard enough and long enough, other people would start believing too.

Dear Life...

Hi. Do you enjoy chilling? Do you like spending your days doing nothing? Good. I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far, because it's not happening anymore. Today is the first day of the new era. No, we are NOT waiting for the first of January because today is as good a day as any. How do you feel looking back and realising that so much time has passed without you doing ANYTHING!

Well life, its not happening anymore. Kiss Lazy goodbye.

Love.

It was my birthday...

...yesterday. I spent most of the last year for other people. Crying, obsessing, moulding myself to be something for someone else. This year is for me. Selfish. Because what better time to be selfish than your twenties?

It was my graduation...today. Now I have no excuse to bum around anymore. I need to get off my cute backside and develop some focus in my life!

Too Much Information (sidebar- no edit)

The first time information proved to be negative was in the garden of eden when Adam and Eve ate fruit from the tree of knowledge. They realised they were naked- but get this- they weren't any more or less naked than they were before they ate the fruit. But suddenly they were aware and ashamed about something that was ignorant bliss before.

Information is over-rated. We feel like we need to know everything about everything. You can't be friends with someone if you don't 'know' them. In your relationship, you have to 'know'. We are suddenly programmed to like, to accept, to be happy only AFTER we know.

Ask anyone- would you like to know if your partner was cheating? A resounding majority will say 'yes'. But why? because that implies the person is a lying bastard. It's the ultimate betrayal of trust. But get this- before you knew, you were happy. Completely happy. And you trusted the person completely. You didn't always know where they were or what they were doing, but you slept well at night. Your relationship was perfect. Then you 'know' and then your relationship breaks up, your heart breaks and your faith in humans is tainted. And off course, knowledge becomes your watch word. Next time, you want to know.

I don't know if I can ever revert to the person that didn't need to 'know'everything. But unfortunately, I do. And let me tell you what i've figured. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is happiness. And no ignorance doesn't make you stupid. It gives you peace of mind, it makes you sleep at night. It may not be the 'right' way to think. But which would you rather be? Right or happy. Oh wait- I know what you think, why can't you be right AND happy? Because were always searching for happiness. It's always going to happen at some point. When you're in the right relationship, when you finish your course, when you find THE ONE. But happiness should be now. I've not always been with people that wanted to marry me, but i've been with people that treated me better than engaged people. But off course why would I be happy with someone that didn't see me as their future?

It's the inflated self- worth perpetuated mainly by girls. 'he's not worth it', 'abeg you need someone to treat you better'. But on balance, when you're with someone what's important? All the bad things they do? (because we all do bad things) or whether or not it would lead to marriage or that you're happy at that particular time?

And the person that thinks like this is who i am. The person that starts looking for all the reasons why the person i'm with is wrong is who I become after I talk to my friends.

So in business- maybe knowledge is good. But in relationships, maybe its better to walk around naked without realising that you're naked, than to hastily sew together leaves to cover yourself so you can subscribe to the happiness that comes after knowledge.

Love...on TV

Love on tv is always so simple. It's a feeling that doesn't have to be based on anything concrete. Heck, its a feeling that doesn't have to be based on anything. Just well positioned 30 seconds here and there with their faces in close proximity and hey! Love.

Maybe that's why I love rom-coms. Some people like stories about vampires and wizards. I like stories about love. It's all fantasy right?

I don't know what love is. I don't know if I've felt it. And no- don't say if you have you know, because I've been with many people that felt like the centre of my universe at the time. They had my heart, head, entire being until they didn't. Does that still qualify?

When people last forever. Is it because of love? or is it just a combination of various factors like say timing- or just the desire to make an effort?

I don't know. All I know is I love love on TV.

Yay- My short story got published on bellanaija

http://www.bellanaija.com/2010/11/25/bn-prose-by-dami-o-no-boys/

'famzing'

The thing I dont get about social networking is this- let's use twitter: you sign up and leave your account open (given that you have the option to restrict followers) and then you get mad at 'random' people that follow you. What did you leave it open for? Ok fair enough some weirdos exist and everything- but I don't think someone gets to be labelled a loser because they happened to find you funny.

I see it in a lot of social interaction- in person and online and I'm sorry to say mainly among Nigerians. I would like to make the social change- but hey! Who likes to be called a familiar loser behind their back?

Thank you guys for the concern on my last post! It was something I found on my phone and hadn't posted. It's apparent that I think a hell of a lot. I'm not always sad though. I'm actually a pretty happy person. I'm not cynical- wait actually maybe a little. It's just early 20s are when everythings so hard. So many decisions to make. There's a way the world tells you things are supposed to go- but theres a way you want them to go. Then you wonder if you're being stupid because you are the only one in the world that has the opinion you do. But overwhelmingly, theres this fear that everything is going to go wrong. And you're scared to try because if you don't try, then at least it's out of your control.

You won't be successful.

You will be 35 and single.

You will be married and not able to have kids.

You will be in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

You won't make as much money as you want.

You will be alone.

It's easier to say 'let go' than to actually do it. Sometimes you have to make that conscious effort every hour.

'Let go. Don't try to control things you can't control. All you can do is all you can do. The anticipation is always worse. Don't care what anyone says if you're truly happy. Don't ask everyone for advice. Sometimes there's no right or wrong answer. It's just life. Let go. Live. Breathe. Let go.'

Smile.

They see me smile. That's what I want them to see. Or maybe that's what they want to see. Who wants to explore the inner sorrows-hidden pains. Who wants to see you weep when they can watch you smile. Smile with you. Happy. We're all happy. My laughter is loud. As loud as the voice in my head. The one that screams 'you're lonely' 'you're a fake'. The one that tells me to break down-or give up, but do something. Something, anything. Stop the pretence-why are u living a lie. Who cares if they see you break down-if u wear your pain on ur sleeve. Now introducing-the summer line called depression. I care-they care. Noone wants to be put through that. Uncomfortable silences and empty 'aaws' 'I get it'. No you don't. Why should you. Why do I still expect it.

Smile. Plaster it. Layer it thick. Smile-thru the pain. Smile. It doesn't matter how you feel-what they see. Just smile.

Fear

She was afraid. Always afraid. Of anything. Of everything. She didn't share her opinion, because she was afraid she was wrong. She didn't send of her stories because she was afraid they were bad. She didn't share her ideas because she was afraid it was wrong. She didn't say how she felt because she was afraid she was the only one that felt that way. She didn't do anything- learn anything because she was afraid.

Then one day, something miraculous happened. She gave her opinion and it was met with respect. She shared an idea and they loved it. She sent a story and it was published. She said how she felt and they got together. She learnt many things, did many things, because she stopped being afraid.

The only thing worse than fear is fear itself.

There comes a point where they stop listening. You're still talking, but they are not listening anymore. And it's in that moment you know, its over.

The 'Truth' Hurts

Have you ever wondered why 'honesty'is always negative? If someone gives you two versions of events- one positive and one negative, why are you more inclined to believe the negative version? Its crazy when I hear 'the truth hurts'- why? Why does it ALWAYS have to hurt?

Why can't the truth just be positive?

Why is it that people that herald themselves as 'truth speakers' are usually negative? And why do we always take their word as the truth?

Truth is- the truth isn't always negative. It's have all perceptive- just look at bella naija comments about people that achieved something to see people saying nonsense like 'I read her book- its no big deal', 'the grammar in this story is horrible' 'my tailor can make that outfit'. Then why are you sitting on bellanaija instead of using that critique to produce something better?

I'm tired of all this negativity being named as truth. Let's change perceptive or learn to be constructive in our criticism. 'I'm just being honest' isn't enough of a justification for being a 'hater' and generalized statements like 'the truth hurts' mean as much as saying 'all black people steal' and we know how true that is.

kmt.

Day 1: Letter to my Best Friend.

Dear Best Friend,

We have hour long conversations about how we hate talking on the phone. Sometimes when I have nothing to say and the last thing I want to do is talk, I call you. I don't really feel like something has happened until I talk to you about it and see it through your eyes. Sometimes when I do something and I can't tell you about it, that's when I know it's wrong- So you're my conscience. You met me at a point where I was literally a broken haphazard mess and somehow you saw past it. And I've been all sorts of crazy since I've known you, but somehow you've always managed to see past it to the 'real' me that I don't always see.

I've learnt so much- about myself, about friendship, about life from knowing you. You know me so well. Sometimes I underestimate just how much and then I realise that even when I'm lying to myself about what I'm feeling, you know exactly what's true.

I don't know if we're always going to be close. Who knows these things? But I know that I've needed you most during these years that you've been my best friend. And beyond my family, my relationship with you is the singular most important relationship in my life.

So I guess what I really just want to say is thank you.

I love you.

Love,
Me.

On Sugabelly's blog, She put this up;

basically, you're supposed to write a letter to the following people:

Day 1 — Your best friend.
Day 2 — Your crush.
Day 3 — Your parents.
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams.
Day 6 — A stranger.
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 — The person you miss the most.
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 — The last person you kissed.
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror.

I find this intriguing, because sometimes when you write letters, you discover thoughts and feelings you didnt even realise you had. So my next post is...

I love unsuitable men. Point me to a commitment-phobe-sweet-talking-likely to cheat-and therefore lie- you're fun but I'll never fall in love with you guy and I'll hurl into his arms with beyonce's 'why don't you love me' playing in the background.

I know. It's a complete cliché. I'm not alone. But I think there's a method to my madness.

I don't believe in relationships. On any given day, I can pick an aspect of relationships that I resolutely don't believe in and break it down, analyse it and explain with charts and graphs why I don't believe.

Today, I'm going to settle on the more general- I don't believe in relationships.

More than I don't believe in relationships, I don't believe in myself in a relationship.

Usually, I'm a normal person. Maybe a little too loud, a bit cold, but normal. Put emotions in me and I become a crazy sabotaging psycho.

Now- if I pick an unsuitable guy who is going to mess up and leave anyway, then I can sit back in twisted satisfaction and say- 'see, its not my fault, guys always mess up and relationships are bullshit anyway.'

It's so funny how you can take yourself through unnecessary pain and drama in the interest of 'self-protection'.

Then again life is a paradox. And I've never claimed to have it all figured out.

I want the kind of love people write about. Sing about. Blog about. The kind that rom-coms are built on. The kind that every romance book is about. The kind that is a fantasy.

The kind that doesn't exist.

Retraction

I'm here to print a retraction. The post about trust being overrated before? I lied. To myself.

Trust makes you sleep at night and go through the day. We NEED to trust. Imagine a world without trust? You wouldn't be able to go to bed for fear that the 'secure' lock isn't as secure as advertised. You won't be able to form new relationships- friends or lovers, because you would never believe anything.

You'll constantly feel like everyone/ everything is out to get you.

Lack of trust= paranoia.

Paranoia= bad life.

I was wrong before.

Trust is definitely rated where it should be.

To me...Trust is overrated. Trustworthiness, like love- in the 'purest' form, does not exist. It does not need to exist. We trust, not because we want to, but because we need to.

You go on a ride on an amusement park because the amusement park claims that it's safe. That is trust. You choose to believe that someone is where they say they are, because it's easier. Choosing to trust makes life easy and if you ask anyone that's been up all night or consumed with anxiety because they couldn't trust, they'll tell you. Trust is hard.

Until recently, I live in this dream world where I believed in 'betrayal' and silly concepts that ultimately rely on fairytale perfect behaviour. But once again, I've learnt that we are human (I tend to forget this a lot) and we can't be perfect. Ans we're not supposed to be perfect. Sometimes we need to come out of this world where we think 'if you love me, you won't hurt me' and 'I can trust you with my life'. Your life is your life, why do you need to trust someone with it?

Remember when God said 3 things endure- faith, hope and love? I don't remember 'trust' being there.

I'm not sure what I ranted about. My point is this.

Trust is overrated.

I wish i was fearless. I read this:

"There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the real ones. The ones where you like to talk, to play, to argue, and to fuck. The ones where you can’t stand each other and can’t stand to be apart from one another at the same time. The ones where you each have your own life, but you allow each other to enrich them instead of control them. The ones where you switch off being needy and desperate but generally are equally obsessed. The ones where you feel secure but not bored, where you are just as excited about the conversation you have during dinner as the sex you’ll have afterwards. You’ve seen each other bitchy, whiny, ugly, tired, sick and you still want each other desperately. It’s the ones where you know that neither of you is perfect, but you’re perfect for each other."

source- http://www.sincesheleft.com/

And it made me realise that someone doesn't have to treat you badly for you to not be with them. We're so scared of everything, because we're taught that settling is the better option. Scared to chase dreams. Scared to leave a wrong relationship. Scared that the crazy business idea is just crazy.

Right now today, maybe I realise that I don't have to settle and my crazy idea might make sense and my dreams can be reality and i can find the right relationship. And i still haven't figured out the relationship formula but I know that feeling unhappy as equally or more than you feel happy is not the right one.

I wish I was fearless.

After a while, you start to understand who you are. Maybe none of us ever gets complete understanding, maybe we arent even supposed to- because we change, and we grow and then the process has to start again. But sometimes, we start to understand, and that beginning is important- its even enough, for a while.

I read my old diaries. I didnt like how similar i was to the person I used to be. Narcissistic. Thats one way I've always wanted to be different. To come out of my head and realise that the world- even my world, isnt solely about ME. There are other views, thoughts, feelings. What I want isn't always what matters. Because we all want. We all need. We all want someone to be something to us. But my wants and needs do not exist in isolation. I can't have my own expectations without realising that other people have expectations too.

So i'm only starting to understand myself. And accept myself. And realise that this world doesnt spin for me.

Relationship 503 feat @playbackgenius

I read somewhere before that a healthy relationship is like a three course meal-it leaves you so satisfied, that no matter what anyone else offers you, you are uninterested because you're so full. Now this may be true sometimes, but we all know there are some greedy ass people who will still accept more food. And yes, it may not taste as good as the delicious three course meal, but that doesn't mean it tastes bad. It doesn't mean it tastes bad at all!!!

So the age-long question-why do people cheat? Now I'm so tempted to ask 'why do guys cheat'-but maybe we all know everyone cheats and the guys get found out-because girls are not careless like that-just saying.

So why do 'people' cheat? Here's what @playbackgenius has to say...

Why Have a Snack when you got a Proper Meal?
That’s a typical question mothers ask their kids when they don’t want to eat amala and ewedu for dinner. However, this isn’t about food it’s about relationships, with a proper meal being what you have with your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse and a snack being that person you just gotta have even if it means you’re gonna be cheating.
Relationships are wonderful, they can also be headache. You deal with your girlfriend’s mood swings and your boyfriends inconsistency in making calls, or in this era PINGING! But nothing hurts more than to find out that your significant other has gone out for a snack, or bite.... (Ok that doesn’t right).
Sex plays an important role in relationships. For some, it’s the most important aspect of a relationship. A relationship without sex would be like strapping a hungry man to a chair and putting a plate of food a few meters away from him. For others, sex is just the icing on the cake. If there wasn’t much sex they wouldn’t stop falling in love (BLEH!!)
So why do people cheat? Men and women have sexual demands which they feel must be satisfied, and if they can’t get it from their partners they get it from someone else. This might sound selfish but as humans we all have individual demands, most of which are self serving. Sometimes we genuinely would love to remain faithful to our spouse but then we fall to the overwhelming power of sexual lusts that we forget about him/her for those precious 2 minutes.... or more.
Hmmm, but then again what could generate these ‘selfish’ demands? I’ll break it down into two parts: Starvation and Greed.
Picture a girl in a relationship with this dude. She feels he’s the one. However, homeboy ain’t always around when it’s -10 degrees outside and she’s all alone licking her ice-cream with Bruno (the golden retriever), watching Grey’s Anatomy. Her man is always busy with work, or worse he’s not within close proximity aka it’s long distance thing. Her sexual cravings increase. She goes out with her girlfriends one night to a bar, meets this dude, they start talking and once the night’s over, they stop by the convenience store to buy a box of condoms. They both get into her house and she can’t wait for them to get into the bedroom. Six hours after doing the nasty the house looks like Armageddon just happened. The girl in this scenario is starved. Her sexual escapades or lack of pushes her to go do something she probably wouldn’t have if her partner was available.
This dude on the other hand has a sexually active relationship but his homeboys come through telling him that he’s lost his pimp game, he doesn’t hang around with the fellas anymore, and he’s a sucker for love, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, this girl in class has been giving him ‘the look’ from day one and her backside isn’t looking bad at all (yes boss). His professor decides to put the both of them in a team for a particular project which means they’ll get more periods spent together, most times in her private residence where she feels more comfortable wearing her t-shirts without a bra . It doesn’t take long before the inner pimp asks him “umm dude when, when are you gonna tap that?” O_o

I’m going to point out here that snacks are not meant to replace a meal but if you think one has nothing to with the other, try a portion of dumplings at wagamama and tell me if you jump on your katsu curry with as much enthusiasm afterwards.

Whatever the case is, cheating is cheating and it could leave your partner hurt, or even the both of you. Some relationships survive after a cheating experience. A lot of them don’t. Successful relationships are built through good communication, trust and the ‘S’ word......Sacrifice. A little snack every now and then might taste good, but it can’t replace what you get from a proper meal. And if it does, maybe being a relationship is really your thing.

It’s not fair, Eve had it easy. She opened her eyes and there was a beautiful naked man beside her who she just happened to be made for. He was already in love with her so no analysing if he was really going to meet her next to the stream when he said so, or if he really meant it when he invited her to eat some grapes.

She didn’t have to analyse how he felt the morning after he saw her naked- and what bodily insecurities could she have had? She was vegan for goodness sake. Ok so she might have been a little gassy, but that body was definitely amazing.

Sigh.

ilovetights.tumblr.com

For those of you that dont know- I have another blog, check it out:

ilovetights.tumblr.com

Thanks for all the comments on my last post.

xxx

I want someone to tell me what to do. Up till now, life has been pretty much straightforward. You do a levels to get into uni, you do uni, you do masters, then what? Its really really hard trying to make decisions for myself- Before I started masters, I secretly wished that I'd fall in love and then take the next direction in my life based on where his life was going. I just hate being at this 'adult' stage where I have sole control of my life. OK truthfully, I've had a lot of control for a while- but there have always been people with strong opinions to pull me in different directions. Now, there are no more opinions, there's just me. Mine. And I don't know what I want to do.

confused.com

xxx

The 30 Day Challenge

Here's the deal- im lazy. Like super lazy. Like if you looked up the word in the dictionary, my name would be there with a picture. I am incredibly lazy. Ok- im sure now you get the drift. And quite honestly, im pretty sick of it. I'm well versed in the art of chatting shit and making it sound good, so over the years i've spun a variety of excuses to justify how lazy I am- how little i'm doing with my life. But now the excuses are starting to sound feeble to my ears, and even though, they've sounded like that to other people for a while, now that I can hear it- I HAVE to do something. I'm 21. Im not going to go into some sort of 'i'm old' panic, because i'm still pretty young. However, I'm not a baby anymore and there's noone telling me how to live my life anymore- so I have to make some changes. And this is where the 30 day challenge comes in.

Have you ever heard that long thing that says 'your actions become habits and habits become character...'. Well I hope there's some truth there because I read somewhere else that it takes about 30 days for an action to become a habit. So the 30 day challenge is about doing things for 30 days that I would like to become habits and then those habits can make me a better person and actually make my life a little more worthwhile.

So here we go:

1. Exercise everyday- I pretty much do this already, theres no harm in reinforcing it tho.

2. Sleep Early, Wake up early- I've never read a success story that started with 'I used to roll out of bed at noon- whatever time I wanted really'. This sleep thing is really something I want because a good night's sleep for me is the exception, not the norm. I wake up a lot and it's hard to get to sleep in the first place. But maybe if I force my body into some kind of submission, sleeping would be easier.

3. Write everyday- I do this already actually, but the way i've been doing it is not going to get me published. I need to start being disciplined and write even when i'm not 'inspired', even when I don't feel like, then maybe I can actually start something and finish.

4. To that end, i'm blogging everyday.

5. 6 hours of dissertation (at least) daily. This is a no- brainer really, I'm not exactly trying to fail my masters.

6. No baggage- by this I mean, no wasting my time with people that are not going to give back what I give. So i'm not going to be calling the friend that often forgets to return calls, and instead call the ones whose calls I forget to return. It's kind of ironic how we (humans) love to make life more complex, more painful for ourselves that it needs to be. We ignore happiness in search of pain and rejection. Well me I dont want- because pain, sadness, all that bad stuff actually seeps into other areas of your life, makes you less productive. It's the reason why sometimes I just want to sleep for 3 hours in the daytime or watch some movie ive seen many times before. Happiness takes practice, but with happiness, the need to escape grows less and with no need to escape, you find other productive things to do with your time.

7. Job Applications daily- the earlier financial independence starts, the more successful, you are likely to be. (this is my commonsense logic- feel free to disagree)

I think 7 things is plenty. There are ONLY 24 hours in a day. Today I woke up early, i've gone for a run, ive blogged- therefore I have written. 30 day challenge? This is going to be a breeze.

ps- I know im not the only bum in blogsphere- so go on- start your own 30 day challenge!

xxx

What if you cant have it all? What if they lied to us? Our parents- the motivational speakers- our friends- movies- books- life. What if everything was a lie? What if you cant have it all? This perfectly rounded, world accepted view of happiness and contentment. Of right and wrong. I'm sure if we ask the 53 year old single woman who divorced her husband when she was 36 because he cheated on her, she might agree that infidelity is not the ultimate crime and even if it was- being alone night after night is a bigger crime. Because how can we expect perfect happiness when we are ourselves imperfect? How can we give perfect love when we ourselves do not have the ability to be perfect.

Maybe 'perfect' is too strong a word, because many would say that they dont strive for perfection- they strive for contentment. Contentment then. At what point do you choose to accept being content, without feeling like you're settling. At what point do you say- this is what I need, so im going to stop. Its like life is like a game of deal or no deal. You decide early on that once you get enough money to pay your mortgage, or pay for a holiday or have that surgery, you would accept the bankers offer and walk away. But then the banker offered you an amount you thought you could be content with, and you go on playing anyway because those numbers on the board taunt you- tell you that you CAN have more. And sometimes you do get more. But just as often, you dont. But how do YOU know when to stop. Whats the meter that you get in your head or heart that tells you- no more. Be content. Let go. Stop hoping. Let go. Let go.

Because the truth is there is no meter. You have to decide. Theres no having it all. You choose what you can cope with. You prioritise. You can have some. Then at some random point (which isnt pre-determined, which you have to decide) you decide- this is enough. And it is at that point that 'enough' becomes 'all'.

Life is hard.

When You See Me

Don't be that person. The person who gets hurt when people switch. You are you and I am me. Let them fall out-of lust and like. It happens. Its not you its me. That's what they say. Accept maybe it is you. Maybe not totally-partly. Don't listen to them when they lie and tell you your perfect. Tell you to wait for the person who sees the imperfections as perfect. Maybe that's not what I need. Maybe I don't want you to think my flaws are beautiful. Flaws are flaws. Let's accept what is ugly as ugly. But let's see past the ugliness. But I did-i did wait. I did find you-elusive creature that saw the flaws. Does it matter if you accept the ugly and find beauty somewhere else? Does that create some kind of life balance? The truth is simple really. I don't care about the adjectives. Beauty. Ugly. I want beyond the adjectives. I want you to reach to my core. The inner solitude. Past all the layers of pain and sad-happy all the time-locked in my head pretence. The layers of searching-hoping this time I'll find me. The layers of tears, acceptance, longing for that elusive comfort that I've heard another human can provide.

So when you look at me-my priority is not for the things you see. Physically. Or the ways I push you away. Taunting your emotions but pulling you close. Hoping you'll reach inside and see me and still stay. Its not if I look good naked or I make you laugh. Its that silent acceptance-that when you look at me, you don't see adjectives or pronouns. You see Me.

Not Quite white...Or Black.

Grey. Outside and Inside. My heart-my soul. Yes there's blood pumping through my lungs-my veins-but its all grey. Grey blood. Grey emotions. Grey-undecided-unqualified. Not the solitude of white-or the dark anger of black-just grey. Bland-uninteresting-un feeling. Blood pumps, heart beats. Still more grey.

A smile-a word-a message. A flash of red. Or blue. But temporary, before the grey washes it away. Again. A lie from an artist. They can paint you over. Dress you up inside the way you're dressed outside. Coulourful-interesting-not quite bland. A flash of yellow. Maybe not take away all the grey. Grey goes with many colours. Temporary blues, reds, indigo-yellow-orange-green. Happiness and smiles. Dancing in the rain. A warm colourful glow that comes from within-spreads around. Colours so bright, they can't be contained-they break free from the canvas. How could it ever be so grey. The lie ends. The grey returns. Its almost comforting. Grey.

Not quite white. Or black.

Grey.

AM Ramblings

Delusional. Deluded. I've always thought myself quite rational. But that's what I am. If I met myself, would I like myself? Probably not actually. Its not because I'm not nice. I am-generally. Its not because I'm not funny, or attractive, or smart-all the regular things that people look for in people. I am. But I'm so locked in my head sometimes, that the lines between who I am to me and who I am to other people is extremely blurry. That's just the problem. The fact the I make a distinction between my 'in my head' personality and real life personality. Who am I? I can answer that question in a different way everyday. I guess we are all just a combination of different people. I want to know though. I want to be able to categorically state 'this is who I am'. Sometimes I talk about myself and I think 'this is such crap'. Is this who I am? Really?

Hypocritical. Hypocrite. I feel that way sometimes. I am that person sometimes. I'm so self absorbed, that I don't see that my actions have the ability to hurt other people. I don't think I have that power, but who says its a power. To hurt is not strength, its a fact of life.

Deluded. Delusional. You would think identifying it would be the first step to recovery. Expect. Expectations. Why should I have the right to expect what I don't give. Oh-thats right. I don't have the right.

I think I spend too much time inside my head. I should come out. Sometimes.

Comfort Eating

For the first time in my life, I think I understand comfort eating. I've never understood it before, because when i'm depressed or just plain sad, my throat closes up and eating is the last thing i can think about. I've realised now that comfort eating comes after depression has been replaced by loneliness. Because loneliness is an empty feeling, you eat to try and fill the space and for a few seconds, it actually feels like the space is smaller. So you eat some more hoping to continue filling the space, and then you start to feel sick. That's when you realise you've gone too far. So you don't just feel physically ill, its mental as well- bcos noone feels good when they've just eaten an insane amount of food they didnt even want. And then the next day, the cycle starts again.

I'm sitting here sipping my lemon and hot water after my run- so no, i'm not comfort eating. I'm just saying now it's an experience i've gone through and maybe one person can identify with the process and trigger a stop.

Loneliness is an emotion- our emotions are part of us. Trying to eat away your emotion is like trying to drink it away. It doesnt work. Learn to live with it and one day you'll wake up and realise its not so lonely anymore!

#inspirationalpost

xxx

Revision and Letting Go

Things ive done today to avoid revision...

1. eaten
2. studied a different module to the one im supposed to be studying
3. eaten
4. cleaned my kitchen
5. eaten
6. read cosmo
7. created a drop box account (those things are really useful though)
8. listened to new stuff from kate nash (that girl is bloody amazing)
9. eaten
10.edited a chapter from my book
11.writing this post

My exams are in exactly one month. I need to stop with the distractions or im going to be FAT and FAIL. Not a good look for summer!

Getting over someone is a lonely process. Noone wants to listen to it after it's over. I love how everyone shouts 'MOVE ON' 'HES NOT WORTH IT', oh and the most amazing 'THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA'. Wow thanks friend, are you done with the cliches now? I guess I understand it. If a relationship ends, it's likely that it wasn't 'worth it', but why do people always make break ups about the other person? 'HES NOT CRYING ABOUT YOU'. Thats not really the point though is it? The point is that you're hurting and you're looking for a way out of the pain without running away from it. 'STOP THINKING ABOUT IT', im not thinking. im feeling. So yes- my mind actively thinks about other things now. But sadness- its a feeling, not a thought. I know what heals. Time. But that doesnt change the fact that while i'm waiting for it to kick in, i want to talk about the difference between how I felt yesterday and today. How I go for whole hours without feeling anything. How I bump into the new girlfriend and survive- even smile- even make conversation!

I know people think moving on is about name calling 'hes an idiot' 'shes uglier than you', but common- Its about listening, patience- time.

*im sorry i never spell check and stuff- reading stuff just after i write is something ive never really mastered*

Enjoy the sun people!! (the ones that havent seen sun for a while)

xxx

PS...

I have a new blog. Most of the people that read this know what I look like anyway, but if you're one of the few that still find me 'anonymous', you may want to maintain that. For everyone else, it's;

ilovetights.tumblr.com.

xxx

I Was A Stalker....

Yesterday.
But that person I long for- that person I miss.
That person who I just want to hold me.
That person who I miss just being with for hours and hours- just being, not talking, not doing much of anything- just being.
That person who would hold me while i slept, or wake me with a kiss on my cheek. That person that reached for my hand to cross the street- that reached for my hand just because he could, just because he wanted to...
That person that cooked me meals and made me eat...
That calmed me down when I was upset..
That person that pushed me- forced me to think and do- not to waste my time.
I could have loved that person...

But that person doesnt exist.

Not anymore.

When we think of the past, we have to look at everything. I'm stuck in a place where all I remember is laughing and being happy. All i'm choosing to remember is the moments of perfection. Those days when I was truly undeniably happy.Days when we both were undeniably happy. But thats not all there is. Because if thats all there was, we would still be happy. I wouldn't wait on a train platform- hoping praying that i might see him and just say hi. I wouldnt call just because I missed his voice. I would just be happy.

So I need to let go of this phantom person. He doesnt exist.

I am Nigerian

I am Nigerian. I am a fraudster. My life ambition is to trick every innocent person. To deprive them of their hard earned money. Even better if they are foreign. Because I am Nigerian, it is in my blood.

I am Nigerian. I am dishonest. Don't listen to anything I tell you. Its a massive lie. Its in my blood, because I am Nigerian.

I am Nigerian. I am unintelligent. Test me extensively. Ask me to prove intensely small details before I am allowed into your country. Don't invest in extra staff training so that your minions can differentiate between the 6 month applicant who is never coming back and the multiple entry visitor who has an excellent life here and pays less taxes. I want to live in a cramped house in your cold country because I am Nigerian.

I am Nigerian. I am on the watchlist for terrorism with Iran and Yemen. I didn't grow up here. I didn't school here. I didn't become an extremist here. I didn't buy my airline ticket here. I didn't carry a bomb from here. All responsibility was claimed by those responsible. But off course, they didn't notice before,that's its in my blood because I am Nigerian.

I am Nigerian. I am an animal. I have special cramped planes-smaller seats-no leg room, to make the six hour journey across continents. That's all I need-no more than is necessary, because I am less than human, because I am Nigerian.

Treat me like dirt. Make me stand in ridiculous queues and provide unnecessary evidence. Charge me ridiculously for my plane ticket. Treat me like a lesser person. Ask me ridiculous questions. You know what? I will still worship at the foot of the foreigner. I still sell my life possessions and pay agents ridiculous sums of money to get me into a country that is not my own. Cold or hot. English speaking or not. Whether I have to be a janitor even though I have a degree. Anyone else is better than me. Anywhere else is better than here. Because I am Nigerian.