Follow Me

Follow me on twitter:

@sexywriter

for those of you that already found me before (ni)...I switched accounts, so my former sexywriter account is now my personal account and now I have a new sexywriter account!

Look forward to talking to you guys on twitter.

Happy Holidays!

What Happens When The Piano Stops Playing? On Religion.

People cry in church. Like honest to God, bawling their eyes out. People jump and shout and run around. I don't know. I feel like a huge part of church is theatrics. It's the music...the sermon in dramatic tones! Everything is dramatic. It's like playing a love song in the background everytime you tell your girlfriend you love her.

I get it. That emotions run high 'in the presence of God'. That's another thing, people always emphasise God's presence on Sunday mornings when people are dressed up and there's a piano playing. Maybe it's like seeing your favorite artiste at a live concert...your emotions tend to run a bit high. I don't really do concerts, so I'm not sure.

I don't know, sometimes I feel cheated in church. I feel like I want to see everything stripped back. I want to see how people feel the love of God when the piano stops playing. I want to hear the sermon in tones that aren't modulated in a way to force people to listen.

I just want to see how much of it is real.

How much of it do people remember and feel after the closing prayer?

That's all I want to know.

I realised that it wasn’t who he was that kept me going back for answers. It was who I was. It was me blending in with all the nameless girls that had been in and out of his head. People that didn’t makek it into his history. Girls that carried hurt that he dismissed as ‘stuff that happens’. I knew he valued history. I knew that because he had told me his history. One with names and faces and wistfulness. His history painted him honest, if not perfect. I didn’t count on the fact that some people carried bits of him in their history and he didn’t make it into theirs. I wanted to have a place…a face…a name. I wanted to be etched deeply into his history and repeated often in the stories to come. But reality had me down as the parts of the past that didn’t even exist. He was in mine, but I was just ‘stuff that happens’.

The Friend Zone

There is nothing wrong with the friend zone. I know for many people, it's seen as the signal of death to any meaningful (read emotional) relationship, but realistically, it doesn't have to be. What's better than a relationship with someone who you get on with completely and honestly. Too often, when relationships take the direct route without a proper friendship first...it can last! It can be fun...it can last forever...but it's just not the same as a relationship with your friend.

I think the friend zone is only really strict when theres absolutely absolutely no chance of physical attraction. This usually happens when the person is just totally unattractive. They are not cute...They don't have an amazing body...they are just well below average. It's in circumstances like this that the friend zone can be well and truly useful.

I read an article about how negative it is to be the 'bottom bitch'...that is, you're always there for someone...but they keep choosing other people. Guys can be bottom bitches too...however, I feel it's an unfair assessment of why bottom bitches finish last. Bottom bitches don't finish last because they would 'ride or die'...They finish last because they don't prioritise themselves. Selflessness is up there with fairy dust. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself (or at least you should)...so ALWAYS putting someone's needs before yours is silly. And for what? The hope that one day they'll realise that they love you? That negates from the selfless angle a bit actually.

In any situation, honesty is key. You have to be honest with yourself...don't become a version of yourself that suits someone else...That leads to you being demeaned in someone else's eyes. Always, always, always put yourself first! There's a time and place for putting your partner before you...and dating is not that time!

Venus vs Mars

Opposites attract but similar stay together. Don't argue, just accept it. Relationships are hard enough without disagreeing with someone on fundamental tenets of life. Similar doesn't mean the same...it means similar. Most importantly, that you agree on the important things. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the fact that someone doesn't like kids while you see yourself having 15 kids in quick succession isn't important...it is. Nothing is important in the first glow of 'love/lust/infatuation'...Even lack of conversation can seen romantic. But as I grow older, i'm realising that honestly, clichés about relationships exist because they are mostly true. Exceptions are exceptions. Don't live life expecting to be the exception. Live your life trying to be happy. Do you know what will make you happy? Being with someone from the same planet as you!

For some people, relationships are like a trip. You read about a place, see pictures and videos- it all seems extremely exciting , so you book a trip. The trip is great! Or maybe it isn't, but you take loads of photos and are eager to go back home. At home, you show off the photos and tell people about the trp, relieving the memories...but you don't plan to move there or even go back there. You might go again, if someone is paying and you have free time; you might even WANT to go back there because it was so much fun... But at the end, you always, always want to come back home.

The key to the right relationship is when the destination becomes home....but this rarely happens. So all that's left is to enjoy the trip.

Even when you're the destination.

HEY EVERYONE!!!

IT'S TOO HARD.

Life.

It's like a never ending obstacle course.

I'm tired of crossing obstacles.

Mon dieu!

What is it about retrospect that makes it so much clearer than the present?

Is it actually clearer? Or do memory and imagination connive to create a clear picture in order to move on?

Like the realisation that something you believed at the time was real actually had no substance...actually couldn't have worked.

How come you start to see clearly- never being let in. Never knowing names and places and events. Never really being anything but a voice on the other side of the phone. A train station fantasy. A practise run for what to say...how to behave.

The present makes you believe things that arent true. Attaches too much importance to meaningless things. Words and smiles and feelings...that fade away. The present doesn't care about substance...it cares about happiness. Even if that happiness is false. It cares about laughter...it's all about the deceit...because the present has too much 'hope' and 'optimism' and wants so badly to 'believe'.

Retrospect is real. When the words and the smiles peel away. What's left...that's real. That's retrospect.

I think I've passed the stage where my relationship with one person affects my relationships with other people. Just because someone lies, doesn't mean everyone lies. Just because someone hurt me doesn't mean everyone is out to hurt me.

On the other hand, I've come to realise that you can't always find the good in everyone. I'm the sort of person that hangs on to any friend past all their mistakes, past any hurt...because I believe that inherently, we are good people who sometimes do bad things. However, that is a naive and quite frankly, silly point of view. Some people are bad. Maybe they are good deep inside, but as long as they are bad pour moi...I have to regard them as bad and toss them out of my life.

This brings me to yet another realisation. Not everyone deserves to be in your life. I used to hate the word deserve. To me, it spoke of self-righteousness...'he doesn't deserve me' 'she doesn't deserve a friend like me'...i always thought...'well what makes you so damn great?' we are all flawed in some way...but the truth is DESERVE is a word that is now real in my mind. Not everyone deserves my time or my attention. Not everyone deserves to be in my life. Life is long. Very long...and if so early in my twenties, I start carrying baggage of dead-weight friends...where's the space in my life in the future for people that might actually help me?Sometimes baggage feels so comforting and we want people in our lives strictly out of habit. Habit is not enough...if someone doesn't add ANYTHING to your life...anything positive...even if it's just the person that always makes you laugh...why are they there?

Also...i'm pretty tired of the people that cling to me when they have tons of baggage...They need advice...they need me to listen...and suddenly they are back in my life with vengeance...I soak up their tears and calm their woes...problems vanish and so do they! Suddenly life gets in the way...until the next crisis when they need me for tea, tissues and unlimited listening minutes. ENOUGH. Friends are supposed to 'share'. I am not there as the free excess baggage trolley. I have my own life...and if someone is not willing to be there for me if I need to talk at 3 in the morning (which incidentally, I never do)...then I don't want to be the agony aunt. I don't want to listen to variations of the same event and offer advice that gets tossed in the end. Selfishness is now my goal. After all, even the bible says 'love your neighbour AS THYSELF'...NOT MORE THAN!

I'm grateful for my friends...they are amazing, patient and care about me as much as I should care for myself. I'm grateful for this blog because its the ONLY thing i've ever kept at this long and obviously...I have the most amazing followers.

Enough rant for the night.

Back soon.

*Bisous*

Many times in life, I lose my identity. It always starts with not knowing what to wear. The moment I can't instinctively pick out an outfit that makes me feel good...I know that I've lost my identity AGAIN.

It's hard. I'm not sure what music I really like, what I most want to read...I overthink my conversations...cannot really write and all the while in my head...I'm hearing...who am I exactly?

I don't know that there's a solution...I guess you just live and wait for the day when you know instinctively what to wear again!

The Rebound

The whole world is just one big rebound.

You don't get the job you want...so you apply for another.

You see a nice dress in the sale but they don't have it in your size...so you buy another.

So is rebound a dirty word in relationships?

Why should you take time to dwell on the past in order to 'move on'?

Sometimes I don't even know where people get these ideals from. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A REBOUND. Generally. In specific situations, people need time to learn how to trust-etc. But generally, a rebound relationship is perfectly fine.

So stop crying on your sofa, watching rom-coms.

Rebound.

Whatever Will Be, Will Be.

I don't believe in fairytales. You know the one that tells you that if you act like a princess long enough, you'll find your prince charming? Better still- the ones that tell you that you don't HAVE TO be a princess yourself because prince charming really likes regular flawed girls. This is what I believe.

It's never about you. people think that if they are funny and interesting, then they will snag some guy. Guess what? Loads of people are funny and interesting, and in the big scheme of things, funny and interesting is an infinitesimal part of things. You know the difference between someone listening to what you had for lunch and how you nearly tripped over a stone and someone who doesnt care? Yep. The fact that they don't care. Your personality doesnt come first. Emotions do. Contrary to popular belief, your personality doesnt influence emotions as much as you like to think they do. Infact, physical attraction is probably way way way higher up the list- because our minds convince our hearts of what is right in the end.

So don't fuss too much about being something that you think will make you attractive. Just be yourself- because in the end...whatever will be, will be.

Staying

There's a lot to be said for staying.

Isnt that what God does?
Yes- in everything relating to how much we should take...I reference God.

Basically, we can do anything- and as long as we can appreciate that we were wrong, we can start over.

How come with humans, it's all 'I forgive you but...'

'But we can never be friends again'

'But I can never trust you again'

'But this kind of behaviour is unacceptable'

There are too many conditions. Staying is weak or stupid or just against the general principle of life.

But why?

I'm not a stayer and it's the people who act the worst that comment on the fact that I'm always looking for an opportunity to run away. So obviously, I put what they say down to bullshit...like how can you add badly and then be-grudge me for running away?

But when I think about it...staying means something. Staying is something we don't try enough.

I don't mean staying when you might end up dead.

Or staying when the only way you can sleep is sleeping pills.

Or staying when your betrayal is too deep to stay and forgive.

Or staying when you're.just.not.happy.

You know what? I was wrong...leaving is definitely how it's supposed to be.

A STORY

She looked at the knife on the table like she was looking from outside. Then she realised that she actually was looking from outside. He was crying into his hands. Her lifeless body was folded across the chair. Her favorite zara top slashed where he cut when he attacked.

He didn't mean to.

Even as she looked at her own lifeless body, she felt sympathy for him. He was only acting out of anger. He loved her. He didn't mean to.

She moved closer as he moved closer, wishing he could reverse time. He whispered her name- she thought shouting would be a better way to get to her, but maybe that was just her- she was getting bored with the scene. She missed him already. Then she missed her body because apparently ghosts couldn't cry.

Was she even a ghost?

She sat on the arm of the chair. She still seemed able to sit- certainly not what the movies made you believe.

She wondered for the first time what she was still doing next to her body. Surely she should be moving quickly up or down. What's it going to be God...am I burning or becoming an angel?

He would never hold her again...She felt sad just looking at him. She loved him so much.

She looked at her body. He was looking for bin bags to wrap her in. Noone was going to find out. There was no way he was going to get away with killing her. Even by mistake.

Or was he?

He killed her. She had been looking but not really seeing.

HE. KILLED. HER.

And it didn't matter if he meant to do it or not. she was STILL dead.

She panicked. 'I hate you'

In that moment, he saw her and screamed. The look of terror on his face gave her as much satisfaction as you could feel when you were watching you get stuffed into a cheap bin bag.

He would never forget.

Then again. She would never live.

She started to fade from the scene.

Oh no..what now?

THE END.

THANK YOU

I just want to say thank you to all my followers. Old and new. This blog is extremely selfish and often self-centered and I don't say thank you enough. I PROMISE I go on every single one of your blogs if you follow or comment.

To further my appreciation, I want your submissions. As most of you can tell, I tend to be pretty obsessed with love and relationships. So if you have an experience you want to share, some advice or something you want me to write about- email- sexywriterchic (at) gmail (dot) com

It doesn't have to be long or short- it can be ANYTHING. I would especially love to hear your personal experiences with emotional stuff.

I look forward to hearing your voices for a change.

xx

I think most of us have felt what being in love feels like without actually being in love. You know those crazy feelings with infatuation or lust or a really crazy crush...the thing is those feelings, they don't last. That's the difference...I think. Until I fall in love, I won't know for sure.

Isn't it funny how we're different things to different people? Like to some people I'm this enthusiastic happy person and to some people I'm cold. Neither of them is wrong. People just bring out different parts of you.

It's funny how little I have to lose and how scared I still am. Right now I have nothing. No I can lose nothing. But yet, I can't seem to propel myself forward. I'm still scared.

What happens when I have a lot to lose?

What then?

The Never-Ending Puzzle Called Love

I've always been baffled about the different definitions of love. Not different shades or elements, but different definitions. And then when I finally get past the many definitions, then comes the types. The love you have for family, and then the love you have for friends. The love you have for a bag of crisps and the kind you can be in.

If love is so undefinable, then why do we bother to define it. How do we make up all these rules for the things love isn't, when we don't actually know what it is.

If this passionate 'in love' love trumps all other kinds of love, why is the one kind of love than can release someone from it's clutch 'i fell out of love'. But I guess that's what happens when you fall into anything- because falling screams 'mistake'...'i didnt mean it to happen'. I've always hated 'i don't know how it happened' . Like fainting- it always seems so sudden, but there's nothing sudden about it. The day I fainted, I was aware I was going to faint, I knew it was the aftermath of my lightheadedness and I sort of gradually went out. To the outside world, it was much faster- to me it was a long process. I think in life as well, there's a lot more responsibility to be had for actions and emotions. Its easy to just let go and go with the flow, but I think you should ever ever go with the flow, if you know where it's going. Don't just stay on a river that might or might not end up where you want to be.

Anyway...what was I saying? Love. What is it?

If green can just be blue sometimes, is there a point having a blue? Or a green?

Why is capri-sun so tasty?

I have a few more questions

Why is pasta so tasty?

Why is ribena so tasty?

Why is chocolate cake so tasty?

Why is it so hard to learn another language?

Why is it so easy to be lazy?

Why does it take days to put on weight and weeks to lose it?

I coincidentally started a new exercise regime on the first of the month! I didn't even realise, although my body was being very persuasive in getting me to put on trainers. Even though running 4.41 miles in two days made my body hurt all over (the joys of being unfit), I still chomped down half a chocolate cake in said two days. I still drool thinking about that cake...it was delicious! I might never make another type of chocolate cake again (hmmm...actually since i found that recipe, I haven't baked any other type).

Learning French is so frigging hard. But I WILL BE A FRENCH SPEAKER BEFORE I DIE meme si elle me tue.

I've been thinking...the angel and demon are equal right now. I'm as healthy as I am unhealthy. I'm as lazy as I am hardworking. I have to find a way to tip the scales.

Being broke and spotty just doesn't really work.

I'm scared that I don't know how to write anymore. Maybe it's wanting something so bad, you're scared that you won't get it.

I wonder if you can train your brain to be positive? So you stop saying negative things and then eventually your brain catches up and stops thinking negative things.

I always thought my french would improve immensely by being around people I can speak it to...it hasn't. If anything, it's probably worse.

I don't write personal things anymore. I don't even think personal thoughts anymore. I think i'm trying to move away from this self-absorbtion. The world is not trying to be more difficult for me, by focusing my energy on thinking about things that are hard...i'm just stopping myself from thinking on how always be better. I listened to this business podcast that said that everytime you reflect on something negative that has happened, you re-live it again. So when i start thinking bad things, i say to myself...the only thing that's happening now is *insert whatever i'm doing*. It sounds so silly but it really does work. But maybe all it does is supress my feelings. I guess i'll find out.

I really have nothing to complain about. I'm busy all the time, but I enjoy everything I do and I have a life plan in place. I can always do better...but can't we all?

For some reason, my grammar is completely off. I don't know why.

xxx

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I'm not sure I even know what it means. I often think of the way God gives us forgiveness and His forgiveness is unconditional conditioned on the premise that we acknowledge that we need to be forgiven. So basically, it's not automatic.

In real life, that's kind of hard. People don't walk around saying 'ive wronged you and I need to be forgiven.' They are more likely to say 'im right and you're wrong sucker- deal with it', so how exactly does it work. I've heard this 'forgiveness is more for you than for the other person' and I guess it's true to an extent...but really?

And then do you really forget? If you still treat someone based on their past actions...have you actually forgiven them?

Can you just wipe the slate clean and act like they never did that thing? In essence the kind of forgiveness we expect from God?

Or is it just beneath our human capability?

Can you really forgive someone that doesnt want forgiveness? That doesnt deserve forgiveness and not feel a massive pit of resentment?

I really just dont know

I think a big part of maturity is self-awareness. Knowing yourself well enough to know what you can and can't do. Actually what you should and shouldn't do. I've been in the exact same position loads of times and thought...why am i here...again? It's like you do something you know you shouldn't do, knowing it would lead to a place you don't want to go back to...but you take the road anyway. It's not even optimism or naivety, it's just a sheer lack of self-control...the way I imagine an addict feels. The temporary ecstasy makes you believe that your long term happiness is something you should gamble. Something you can gamble. And then you end up in the EXACT SAME POSITION AGAIN!

And then when I run through it in my mind...the only thing I can think is...

WHY THE HELL AM I HERE AGAIN?

Fiction Friday: Silent Voices

They said I went mad.

I remember that day. I was lying on my bed, thinking. A voice in my head spoke to me. ' take off your clothes'. The voice was urgent, desperate sounding. I tried to ignore it. It grew louder, harsher, almost threatening to destroy my brain from the volume of it. I took off my clothes.

'walk to your door'. This time resistance was shorter.

'open it and walk outside'.

I obeyed. People stared, pointed, covered their kids eyes. Cars slowed and people shouted things at me.

'they are jealous, ignore them', the voice said. I ignored them.

'walk faster'.

I walked faster.

A man shouted 'the police as coming for you'.

The voice asked me to run. I ran.

Then one day I was exhausted.I was tired of listening to the voice. It made me eat food from dustbins and wear paperbags. It made me walk for hours and run to escape the police. The voice sensed my tiredness.

'kill him'. Him was a random guy that occasionally shouted insults at me. 'kill him. Kill him.KILL HIM.'

I covered my ears and screamed.

'KILL HIM'.

I'm still not sure how I did it. They say it was with a piece of broken glass from the street. I'm not sure how I overpowered him, but there was blood. So much blood.

The voice was quiet when they blamed me. When they tried to kill me. His family ignored the voice. They wanted me punished. The voice remained quiet when they threw me in a small airless room.

They say I went mad.

The voice left before I could prove it wasn't me.

*thank you to everyone that leaves a comment and everyone that follows me. I check everyone of your blogs, i promise...i'll get better at leaving comments*

Mish-Mash of Unpublished Posts (unfinished)

I realised that I've started a lot of posts and not finished them. So I decided to just publish them anyway. These date back to 2008, so some of it might seem a bit strange. Enjoy.


1.Physical attraction is a bitch sometimes. I can see why the most beautiful people are the most insecure. Someone liking you for the way you look is as hard hitting and shallow as it gets.
This has happened to me too many times. Sometimes it makes me want to scream- I AM AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING. IM SMART AND FUNNY AND INTERESTING. SO WHY CAN'T YOU WANT MORE????
Then again,

2.Sometimes when something happens Everytime something happens, you have to take time out to figure out what the situation teaches you, about yourself, about life, about other people. The weaknesses you need to change and the strengths you need to build. It's easy to get caught up in the pain and drama of something hurtful. But nothing happens without some kind

3. Happy. I don't think I have many posts that just stem from a completely happy place, but I am- happy. I think one of the best things about happiness is that you don't have to experience it for hours at a time, to have it. Sometimes, it's just in a moment.

4. As human beings, we always like to feel like we're working for something. We share the 'nothing good comes easy' philosophy. If you don't work for something, it's valueless. Same with people.

5. Special and safe. Those are my two expectations from a relationship. Just the feeling that someone rates you above other people and they arent looking for reasons to bail. On some level, it's what we all want. Your parents mess up all the time and you're not filing for legal emancipation. But with relationships and marriages, it's all break-ups and divorce.
I've always found it funny how insecurity increases arrogance.

6. Run. All I want to do is run. Away from life. Choices, decisions, the wheels of the bus go round and round. I want to run in fast forward to that place where everything is sorted. But I can't

7. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can bubble under the surface threatening to spill over at any time. It can explode at the drop of a hat. At a time where something completely irrelevant comes up. Anger is often underrated. Anger is a state of temporary insanity.

8. Lessons from heart-bruise

1. It doesn't matter what it looks like. It's not a relationship if you don't agree that it is, because emotions not actions make a relationship. You know how sometimes you step outside your self and look at a situation and think 'Oh God, this is not my life'. One of such moments was

9. The reason I hate social interaction is this. Basically I am two versions of myself. Myself and an exaggerated version of myself. Now in social interaction, I automatically become the exaggerated version, and it's really exhausting. I just don't think myself can hold up. I'm basically an introverted person. The things I like doing the most involve me. Alone. Even analysing other people. Me. And for 'me' to suffice in social interaction, someone has to be willing to dig deep in order to realise that i'm not just basically boring as dirt. Actually when i'm being me, people never think i'm boring as dirt, they always think i'm up myself and think i'm better than anyone else.

10. I love having new followers. I love that some people read my blog. Sometimes I long for the beginning when noone was listening- I didn't have to edit- I just poured out my soul.

11. I smile a lot. For a change, I wanted to start my post with something positive about myself. Though it may often seem like this is a list of flaws I find about myself,

12. Dear Crush

I can't remember the last time I felt you- but I remember what you feel like. Warm and happy. Butterflies. Excited about a message, a call, seeing you. Corny. Nights spent listening to music- staring at the ceiling. Thinking about you. I can't remember what about you. Just about you.

Sometimes I miss you. The promise- excitement of something new.

13. Life is getting more complicated. But somehow, I feel better equipped to deal with it. I remember my mum's older sister always saying that she didnt want to be young again because of all the emotional trauma. I get that now. Everything is so much more dramatic when you're young. The older you get, you develop the 'been there- done that- seen it all' attitude. And I have to say- that makes life easier to be in. I'm so calm about so many things that would have caused me all sorts of inner (and outer) turmoil before. But then again, I feel kinda dead inside most of the time- so maybe its some sort of trade off.

14. Ok- im supposed to be studying! but i dont want to...

I'm wondering..wats all this Obama 'we did it' stuff..i accept the fact that it is an achievement- first black president- yadiya..shows were embracing all skin..etc..i dont mean to trivialise this at all...but people!! lets allow the man to do something before we hail him as making history- wat did he do?? he ran for president..lets face it- Mcain was a weaker candidate- putting all this skin color aside.
You know who i think we should be congratulating the public. The 'majority' that realised that color has nothing to do with the principle of 'the best man winning'..So please- all this patting on the back and grinning- we did it- is slightly

15. i dont know what to blog about! i feel bad because everyone has been hit witha blogging fever that has appeared to pass me by. i guess i can do my tagged..but my ipod isnt near me and i cant get up to go and get it. hmmm..bloggers block..

16. People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not

The problem with changing yourself or elements of yourself to suit someone else is that you're always left with a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction. There's also the tendency to think you can do more, change more, be more tolerant- if you've already changed a little, it's hard to start drawing the line for when it crosses into a lot.

Don't get me wrong: change is good Change is necessary, it's human, life. It has to happen and we should all try to change for the better. However, change always has to be for you. Once you start changing for anything other than the fact that YOU want to change, it becomes hard to remember what your principles are... the elements of yourself that make you look into the mirror everyday.

Often people tell me i'm complicated. Hard to read or understand. My best friend the other day said 'you're odd'. I'm socially awkward and toe the line between being too honest (aka, kinda rude) to being very tactful (aka fake laughter, uninterested agreement). I often feel like I have to go one step forward to present myself in a way that is more relatable, less hard to reach. I want to present myself as a plated meal instead of one that you have to put into the microwave, and definitely not one where you actually have to put the ingredients together and cook.

But the truth is, I AM ingredients. The beauty of that is that loads of people can put it together and end up with different results and what's more fascinating than that? Why do i constantly find myself trying to figure out what combination works best for what person. What part of myself to take out, what part to put more of? Does this pressure even come from outside or is it some internal pressure i'm going to have to live with forever? Am i going to spend my life darting between trying too hard- changing too much, or not trying at all?

On some days, to some people...I don't even know if the part i'm playing resembles me at all.

Thinking With Anatomy

You hear it all the time. Guys would do anything, say anything to get sex. But you never really believe it. How can you? It seems so animalistic...implies that they have no self control- no choice, which are the elements that make us human (well aside speech and fashion). But to witness it is actually a thing of beauty. Guys actually do anything- say anything...to have sex.

Now before I continue, I have to point out that this is a gross over-generalisation. I am not by any means referring to all guys, or even most guys. I'm referring to guys. An indeterminate number of them. Because even if i refer to just a minute number of people, it's still a fascinating phenomenon.

I would like to see experiments on the brain when a guy is in 'hunt mode'. What is it about the anticipation of sex that makes him not think clearly, deny his mother, sell his birthright...change the laws of an entire church?

Someone help me out...For someone who is passionate about pop-psychology, this really blows my mind.

My Best Friend

...is simple.

In a world where everyone complicates everything, it's necessary. Everybody needs a friend that looks at a problem in terms of the solution and nothing else. People are always looking at problems from all sides of the spectrum, instead of just abandoning all that examination and solving it.

...is honest.

It's exhausting to constantly have to read between the lines of what someone is saying. With her, I know I never have to. Even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

...doesn't indulge in pity parties.

This- I often hate. Who doesn't like a good pity party? With her, it's straight- it happened, it happened, leave it alone.

...doesn't over-analyze anything.

No need to think if 'hi' really meant 'bye', 'no' really meant 'maybe'...Like i said...

My best friend is simple.

I wouldn't have her any other way. ok ok, maybe a little more flexible sometimes, geez!

Now I feel like everytime I try to write, the words get stuck somewhere between my head and my hands. Or maybe it's just that I don't know what I want to say. Words used to be my hiding place. Or my safe place. The one way to express stuff even I didn't understand. Now it doesn't feel so safe anymore. Every word that comes out feels like a betrayal of my emotions. Emotions are suppose to be buried deep inside of you. They aren't supposed to spill out for anyone to see. Even you. They should be buried.

What am I even saying?

Writing isn't my safe place anymore. Music doesn't understand me quite as well as it used to.

I don't get lost in false storybook characters anymore.

I have no more escapes.

But all I want to do is run.

Music is like a drug. I'm probably stating the obvious but sometimes you find the perfect 4 minutes and 8 seconds, and from the minute you hear the first bar, you're removed from yourself. Your thoughts are clearer- you understand your emotions more- sometimes the music understands your emotions more than you and you're chilling with the song in perfect understanding. If you're anything like me, you use that song over and over- until you play it and feel nothing- time to let go, sad but necessary.

Music understands us because music is us. Sometimes we find a song that we like, but don't love. We wouldn't skip it if it came up on shuffle, but we wouldn't seek it out either. Or we get a song stuck in our heads and cant seem to get it out, no matter how annoying. Sometimes we hate a song on first listen (ushers omg anyone?) but it grows on us so slowly that we find ourselves humming its tune in the kitchen. Sometimes we love a song. We play it on repeat. Its our go to song, and then gradually we tire of it. Because no matter how much you love something or hate something, however strongly you feel about something, the feeling dulls after a while.

In the end sometimes, the best feelings are more basic than we realise. We think love is this shiny, heart beating, mouth dry feeling. There are so many things that feel so strong; lust, infatuation, crushes. Love is what is left when you take away all the other things. It's the security, stability, safety. It's not necessarily butterlies or heart-thumping. It's just safe, easy. The song you always listen to whenever you can't be bothered to think of anything else. And yeah, it's not very romantic, but it's so much more than that...

That said, the repeat songs that you tire of are really fun while you still want to repeat them. And who doesn't like the first exciting bars?

Being 'good', it's very hard because in the modern world...

Good= naive, punk, idiot, mugu, optimistic (and not in a good way), fake...

Very rarely is being good accepted as ..well...good.

Thing is...I want to be good. I like being good. Actually, I think I need to take a couple of steps backwards here and explain...what exactly does it mean to be good?

*stares blankly at keyboard*
*racks brain*

I seem to have lost all sense of being articulate. It seems like a waste to try and contain such a huge concept with a couple of well-meaning adjectives. Good is more of a feeling- doing the 'right'thing. Not giving in to negative emotions like anger or jealousy. Honesty. Not hurting people on purpose. Taking steps to positively correct your actions if you happen to hurt someone. Promoting positivity even in the face of intense negative energy.

So no. Being good here, unfortunately, is not meant in any religious context. There are no rules. It's not 'saving self for marriage' and 'never telling a lie', it's more inherent than that...ok, I think we're all up to speed on the concept.

So why is it so hard for the world to allow someone to be good. Now I understand why it's hard for one to actually be good. But why is it hard to ALLOW someone else to be good? It's like when someone actually makes a genuine effort to do the 'right' thing, to 'turn the other cheek' (and no- if someone hits you physically, this is not what i advocate). But sometimes when someone calls me stupid- I don't want to call them stupid back. Because, well...it's stupid. And to be honest, i'm not stupid. I don't want to reduce myself to act based on someone else's negative emotion, I want to see the better side of the people, not the absolute worst side. I want to be trusting, not cynical. I want to believe people don't set out to hurt other people and if they do, it's from a place of hurt and responding in a negative manner only deepens their own issues.

So yes, maybe I don't mind being hopelessly optimistic or naive or a punk sometimes. Maybe I don't mind looking stupid because i'll rather not lash out or fight back. But that's my prerogative. So tell me...why can't I just have it?

Respect. It's one of those things. A slippery slope. It's something that isn't necessarily discussed all the time, but something that we all expect- albeit mostly unconsciously from our relationships.

It starts from self respect. How highly do you rate yourself? What do you think you deserve from life? How important do you think you are...to earth?

Loss of respect always starts from the beginning of compromise. How much you're willing to compromise is often how much respect you're willing to lose (or in few cases gain). It's always hard to tell what effect our actions have directly on respect in real time. It's often better appreciated in retrospect.

Everytime you do something outside of your morality of principle meter, you are losing respect for yourself because you are saying the action is greater than you. Invariably, people respect you less. It's all very complicated. Respect. But oh so important. It makes the difference between a feminist and a prostitute. A mean boss and a hardworker.

Self-respect. I need to bottle the formula for that.

I'm in COMPANY magazine this month!

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-company-magazine-feature.html#links



yay!

Patience is the first step on the path of wisdom. Patience is the only step on that path. The ability to stop when you're angry and not react off that emotion. The ability to assume there's another side to the story. The ability to just wait until a viable solution to a problem comes up. Patience. I don't have it. At all. I am very very impatient. Sometimes I get so angry, my hands shake...I feel like I can see the anger. The literal red anger cloud in front of my eyes and I yell so loudly and cry and react. I feel like I HAVE to react.

I'm an eternal pessimist. Instead of projecting good and positive, I spend time imagining how bad anything can go and how painful it would be.

I want to be patient. But how? Lately i feel like i'm a little more patient. I feel like I want to say something, but I hold it off till it doesn't seem quite so important to say it anymore. My tongue must be filled with the scars of biting my tongue.My chest dark from all the negative emotion I've been suppressing. But it's ok because theres a bigger aim here.

Wisdom.

The Break-Up Outfit

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/2011/03/break-up-outfit.html#links

FASHION WISDOM: Law and Creativity: The Chicken or the Egg?

FASHION WISDOM: Law and Creativity: The Chicken or the Egg?: "“Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.”- Mark Twain me, law graduation number 2. What is the link betwe..."

Sometimes life is simple. You wake up, eat, sleep, laugh, work, chill with people you love, sleep and start over again. Sometimes it's complicated. A lot of the time it's complicated. Sometimes actions speak louder than words so the words and actions are very loud but they still don't tell you what you want to know.

You really want to know what it means, if it means something.

You really want to know if the path is worth it, if you should risk getting hurt, if it's all for nothing.

You want to see yourself through the eyes of someone else. Something else. Are you as perfect as they say? Is everything as good as it seems?

You want to see inside someone else. You don't want to judge their actions. You don't want to listen to their words. You want to look inside. You want to know. You don't want to listen, guess, judge, you want to know.

It's complicated. Even when you find the simple path. Even when you laugh, even when you're happy or heartbrokenly sad, its complicated. It always is.

Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can stay bubbling under the surface, threatening to burst out. It can be so overwhelming that you literally go insane from the feeling. I've been so angry sometimes that I felt like i would explode. But i don't think anger is a dangerous emotion because it makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. Lots of emotions do that. It's the fact that sometimes it stays buried so deep that you don't even know it's there. And then one day, it springs up on you.

I've been shocked by my anger many times. That buried anger seems to me the start of psychopath behavior. When you smile and look calm on the outside but you're really sharpening knives in your mind. You can't bring it up, because you're probably angry about an incident that has passed. Something you should be 'over'. So you live with it, pretend it doesn't exist. Live with it in the hope that it would dissapear.

But what if it doesn't? What happens when you explode?

Check out my new blog

http://modasaggezza.blogspot.com/

It's italian for 'fashion wisdom' and looks at different ideas from a fashion angle, so it's not just about fashion!

Enjoy.

xx

What are you afraid of?

Getting shot. Never getting rid of my insecurities. Never becoming successful. Never becoming rich.

What are you afraid of?

Letting people know what i'm afraid of. Really letting them get into my head. My soul. Knowing me.

What are you afraid of?
Always being afraid. Never becoming uncrippled.

What are you afraid of?
Remaining positive to the point of delusion. Becoming negative to the point of not being able to recognise what's positive anymore.

What are you afraid of?
Floating. Constantly floating with no anchor. Fleeting moments of happiness punctuating a wall of perpetual sadness.

What are you afraid of?
myself.

Love.

Relationships with people are important, but no relationship is as important as the one with yourself. A lot of people don't realise this, but most of us realise it and choose to forget it anyway. There's this constant struggle to be something other people want us to be. We want to change the way we are, compromise so we can be acceptable to the people around us. How many times does a girl become someone totally different because of a guy? How many times does she compromise, settle and accept stuff that she normally finds abominable so there would be a chance that a guy likes her more, stays with her?

If there's one thing i've learnt, it's this. You have to love yourself first. You have to have acceptable and unacceptable, you have to be completely comfortable with the person you are. That way, when you are a fully formed person, you don't need someone to 'make you a better person', you are already comfortable with the person you are. The only thing someone can do is make you WANT to improve YOURSELF. Not improve you. Change should always come from within. If you don't love yourself, or you have flawed emotions towards yourself, you can only give flawed love. You always think you're loving more, when you love someone else, but you're only loving as much as you can yourself. And sometimes, its negative because you're idolizing another person above yourself. You are saying 'you are more worthy of my love than I am'.

We all want to be more confident, more patient, more understanding, have more wisdom. These things start from love. People always think they don't have love in their life, because they are waiting for someone else to bring it. If you love yourself, you always have love in your life and love invites love, so it's a win-win situation.

Love yourself.

Lying to one's self. That's the biggest crime isn't it? self- deceit. In Dante's poem he said that basically the highest level of hell is for those that lie to themselves. But if that's true, isn't that where everyone ends up? Because we all lie to ourselves. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes, it's just that one lie. That one big lie that we've told ourselves so long that it's practically become the truth.

I lie to myself. A lot. But Off course when you lie, you have to invent a whole long-winded bullshit theory to go with your lie. I have so many bullshit theories, I wonder which of them is based on lie and which has any basis in truth or actual belief.

Like morality is over-rated? What does that even mean. Morality is morality. Morality is necessary and the only people that think it's over-rated are people that are immoral. It's funny how when I want to justify my theories, I go to extremes and talk to people that I would condemn on a normal day. Suddenly, i'm spilling stuff about humans being imperfect and other people being judgmental and how noone should point fingers. Bullshit basically.

I know in a twisted way, we need to lie to ourselves sometimes. If only to maintain sanity. However, I want to stop lying to myself. First, about my expectations. I expect more. I deserve more. I need to stop lying to myself that mediocre is enough, because it isn't. So in the interest of putting things to paper in order to overcome them:

Lies I tell myself and often believe:
1. I don't believe in relationships- yes. relationships are hard. People act like nastier versions of themselves. Pain is intensified by 5000. It's hard to believe, when so many people choose to act like dicks in general. In all honesty, I do. It's the reason I watch One Tree Hill for goodness sake. That show is all love and cheese. I believe whole-heartedly in relationships, and I believe that once I stop choosing dicks, I'll have a chance at being in one.

2. Morality is over-rated. Everytime I spit this line, check- i'm probably doing something immoral. In life there IS black and white and while the lines blur on occasion, and people usually have justifications for doing bad things. There is morality. It just exists and over-rated or not, something bad is something bad.

Coming to the realisation that someone you care about doesn't care about you is hard. I think as humans, our brains tend to function in terms of actions rather than emotion. That is, if someone does this, this and this then they care. If they do this, this and this, then they don't. I think this is really really false. Don't get me wrong- actions definitely show emotion, but are not always the correct indication.

For example, think of the way most people treat family. You love your family to bits but often take them for granted. Many people will say they will die for any member of their immediate family (jury's still out for that one), but in day to day interaction, they take their family for granted. Not calling as often as they should, not being there as much as they can, etc.

So why do we hold non-family members to a higher standard? Because we are already sure of the family's feelings?

Sometimes actions mean everything. Sometimes actions mean nothing.

The problem with black and white is that it doesn't exist. In skin colour or in life issues. Caramel, chocolate, tan...even with people that are so dark, they shine, I've never met someone with black skin. And even on the palest of complexions, never white skin.

So in a world where people are constantly classified as black or white,despite the facts that these colours do not exist on people, why do we expect situations to be black or white. Even when there are no shades of grey, there are shades of brown and almost nothing is exact and straightforward. In reading authors like Jodi Picoult, I' ve come to see the distinct emotional reasoning behind every situation. Even the law recognises this, which is why people can be charged either for manslaughter or murder for the same act of killing. Its always the intent that shapes a situation, rather than the actual outcome.

Let go of black and white notions. It clouds judgement. Actually, it creates judgement where there should be none. I can think of a few of my friends who would do good to stop judging things so harshly and just consider things strictly on their merit.

Shame. I hate feeling ashamed. Embarrased. They aren't necessarily the same thing, but one seems to follow the other. We all have this image of ourselves that we need to protect. And whenever we do something to destroy that image. It's hard. It's always harder when I do something that hurts myself. People hurting me is bearable. Understandable. They are human, they can only hurt. But can I apply that to myself? I am human so I can only hurt...myself?

Shame. When the shame passes, everything is fine. Everything else pales in comparison. Because if you don't respect yourself? what do you have?

I've stopped searching myself. I know what's inside and I don't want to confront it. On some level, I know what i'm doing. I know all the things i'm doing wrong. I see what's negative about who i've become. But I don't want to confront it. Because I don't feel strong enough. It's weird. I believe i'm worthy of being this strong smart person. But i'm scared to actually become that person. So she stays in my head and I watch the shadow live. I know who I am truly. For all my faults, I've always been proud of me. Lately, I don't know. All i seem to do now is develop philosophies to justify the unjustifiable. Is that what becoming an adult is about? Being afraid? Starting to 'realise' that life is not perfect? That people do things they never thought they would?

It's funny how principles weaken as we grow older, because we grow into the idea that any expectation of perfection is 'naive'. That childlike believe that anything is possible is replaced with stability, failure and fear. Expectations. Let's not forget expectations. I'm frozen in this place where I can't move forward because I don't want to face up to the present. Hours pass, days pass, weeks, months. And I feel like I can't start that process of self- realisation. Because i'm afraid. Because i'm an adult and there are all these expectations. Because all my dreams cannot actually come true. Because I would have to be strong. And I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to believe in anything. I just want to be cynical and stuck. In this limbo-like place. Afraid.

Happy New Year!

With the number of posts ive written in my head, i find it weird that I havent actually updated my blog in the new year! Happy New Year!

I bought a domain name and everything, it took ages to set it up and THEN I decided to upgrade something. Utter disaster. So now im back to zero. I have no idea what possessed me to buy it in the first place.

I'm skinny! Well not skinny, slim. For the first time in 6 years, I have my 26 inch waist back. Overly excited. It feels really really good! I get slightly annoyed that people just start up conversations with me about their weight. It's like, its ok to ask me if I did anything and if I have any tips, but don't start a random conversation telling me what dress size you are and how much you weigh. What am I supposed to say?

This year i'm going to become a free-lance writer. I dont know how though! Who knows how???

I'm going to find a new obsession, instead of heartbreak and heartache and boys. Seriously- there's more to life (or is there really?)

Just a quick post checking in! Be back soon

xx