I think most of us have felt what being in love feels like without actually being in love. You know those crazy feelings with infatuation or lust or a really crazy crush...the thing is those feelings, they don't last. That's the difference...I think. Until I fall in love, I won't know for sure.

Isn't it funny how we're different things to different people? Like to some people I'm this enthusiastic happy person and to some people I'm cold. Neither of them is wrong. People just bring out different parts of you.

It's funny how little I have to lose and how scared I still am. Right now I have nothing. No I can lose nothing. But yet, I can't seem to propel myself forward. I'm still scared.

What happens when I have a lot to lose?

What then?

The Never-Ending Puzzle Called Love

I've always been baffled about the different definitions of love. Not different shades or elements, but different definitions. And then when I finally get past the many definitions, then comes the types. The love you have for family, and then the love you have for friends. The love you have for a bag of crisps and the kind you can be in.

If love is so undefinable, then why do we bother to define it. How do we make up all these rules for the things love isn't, when we don't actually know what it is.

If this passionate 'in love' love trumps all other kinds of love, why is the one kind of love than can release someone from it's clutch 'i fell out of love'. But I guess that's what happens when you fall into anything- because falling screams 'mistake'...'i didnt mean it to happen'. I've always hated 'i don't know how it happened' . Like fainting- it always seems so sudden, but there's nothing sudden about it. The day I fainted, I was aware I was going to faint, I knew it was the aftermath of my lightheadedness and I sort of gradually went out. To the outside world, it was much faster- to me it was a long process. I think in life as well, there's a lot more responsibility to be had for actions and emotions. Its easy to just let go and go with the flow, but I think you should ever ever go with the flow, if you know where it's going. Don't just stay on a river that might or might not end up where you want to be.

Anyway...what was I saying? Love. What is it?

If green can just be blue sometimes, is there a point having a blue? Or a green?

Why is capri-sun so tasty?

I have a few more questions

Why is pasta so tasty?

Why is ribena so tasty?

Why is chocolate cake so tasty?

Why is it so hard to learn another language?

Why is it so easy to be lazy?

Why does it take days to put on weight and weeks to lose it?

I coincidentally started a new exercise regime on the first of the month! I didn't even realise, although my body was being very persuasive in getting me to put on trainers. Even though running 4.41 miles in two days made my body hurt all over (the joys of being unfit), I still chomped down half a chocolate cake in said two days. I still drool thinking about that cake...it was delicious! I might never make another type of chocolate cake again (hmmm...actually since i found that recipe, I haven't baked any other type).

Learning French is so frigging hard. But I WILL BE A FRENCH SPEAKER BEFORE I DIE meme si elle me tue.

I've been thinking...the angel and demon are equal right now. I'm as healthy as I am unhealthy. I'm as lazy as I am hardworking. I have to find a way to tip the scales.

Being broke and spotty just doesn't really work.

I'm scared that I don't know how to write anymore. Maybe it's wanting something so bad, you're scared that you won't get it.

I wonder if you can train your brain to be positive? So you stop saying negative things and then eventually your brain catches up and stops thinking negative things.

I always thought my french would improve immensely by being around people I can speak it to...it hasn't. If anything, it's probably worse.

I don't write personal things anymore. I don't even think personal thoughts anymore. I think i'm trying to move away from this self-absorbtion. The world is not trying to be more difficult for me, by focusing my energy on thinking about things that are hard...i'm just stopping myself from thinking on how always be better. I listened to this business podcast that said that everytime you reflect on something negative that has happened, you re-live it again. So when i start thinking bad things, i say to myself...the only thing that's happening now is *insert whatever i'm doing*. It sounds so silly but it really does work. But maybe all it does is supress my feelings. I guess i'll find out.

I really have nothing to complain about. I'm busy all the time, but I enjoy everything I do and I have a life plan in place. I can always do better...but can't we all?

For some reason, my grammar is completely off. I don't know why.

xxx

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I'm not sure I even know what it means. I often think of the way God gives us forgiveness and His forgiveness is unconditional conditioned on the premise that we acknowledge that we need to be forgiven. So basically, it's not automatic.

In real life, that's kind of hard. People don't walk around saying 'ive wronged you and I need to be forgiven.' They are more likely to say 'im right and you're wrong sucker- deal with it', so how exactly does it work. I've heard this 'forgiveness is more for you than for the other person' and I guess it's true to an extent...but really?

And then do you really forget? If you still treat someone based on their past actions...have you actually forgiven them?

Can you just wipe the slate clean and act like they never did that thing? In essence the kind of forgiveness we expect from God?

Or is it just beneath our human capability?

Can you really forgive someone that doesnt want forgiveness? That doesnt deserve forgiveness and not feel a massive pit of resentment?

I really just dont know

I think a big part of maturity is self-awareness. Knowing yourself well enough to know what you can and can't do. Actually what you should and shouldn't do. I've been in the exact same position loads of times and thought...why am i here...again? It's like you do something you know you shouldn't do, knowing it would lead to a place you don't want to go back to...but you take the road anyway. It's not even optimism or naivety, it's just a sheer lack of self-control...the way I imagine an addict feels. The temporary ecstasy makes you believe that your long term happiness is something you should gamble. Something you can gamble. And then you end up in the EXACT SAME POSITION AGAIN!

And then when I run through it in my mind...the only thing I can think is...

WHY THE HELL AM I HERE AGAIN?

Fiction Friday: Silent Voices

They said I went mad.

I remember that day. I was lying on my bed, thinking. A voice in my head spoke to me. ' take off your clothes'. The voice was urgent, desperate sounding. I tried to ignore it. It grew louder, harsher, almost threatening to destroy my brain from the volume of it. I took off my clothes.

'walk to your door'. This time resistance was shorter.

'open it and walk outside'.

I obeyed. People stared, pointed, covered their kids eyes. Cars slowed and people shouted things at me.

'they are jealous, ignore them', the voice said. I ignored them.

'walk faster'.

I walked faster.

A man shouted 'the police as coming for you'.

The voice asked me to run. I ran.

Then one day I was exhausted.I was tired of listening to the voice. It made me eat food from dustbins and wear paperbags. It made me walk for hours and run to escape the police. The voice sensed my tiredness.

'kill him'. Him was a random guy that occasionally shouted insults at me. 'kill him. Kill him.KILL HIM.'

I covered my ears and screamed.

'KILL HIM'.

I'm still not sure how I did it. They say it was with a piece of broken glass from the street. I'm not sure how I overpowered him, but there was blood. So much blood.

The voice was quiet when they blamed me. When they tried to kill me. His family ignored the voice. They wanted me punished. The voice remained quiet when they threw me in a small airless room.

They say I went mad.

The voice left before I could prove it wasn't me.

*thank you to everyone that leaves a comment and everyone that follows me. I check everyone of your blogs, i promise...i'll get better at leaving comments*

Mish-Mash of Unpublished Posts (unfinished)

I realised that I've started a lot of posts and not finished them. So I decided to just publish them anyway. These date back to 2008, so some of it might seem a bit strange. Enjoy.


1.Physical attraction is a bitch sometimes. I can see why the most beautiful people are the most insecure. Someone liking you for the way you look is as hard hitting and shallow as it gets.
This has happened to me too many times. Sometimes it makes me want to scream- I AM AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING. IM SMART AND FUNNY AND INTERESTING. SO WHY CAN'T YOU WANT MORE????
Then again,

2.Sometimes when something happens Everytime something happens, you have to take time out to figure out what the situation teaches you, about yourself, about life, about other people. The weaknesses you need to change and the strengths you need to build. It's easy to get caught up in the pain and drama of something hurtful. But nothing happens without some kind

3. Happy. I don't think I have many posts that just stem from a completely happy place, but I am- happy. I think one of the best things about happiness is that you don't have to experience it for hours at a time, to have it. Sometimes, it's just in a moment.

4. As human beings, we always like to feel like we're working for something. We share the 'nothing good comes easy' philosophy. If you don't work for something, it's valueless. Same with people.

5. Special and safe. Those are my two expectations from a relationship. Just the feeling that someone rates you above other people and they arent looking for reasons to bail. On some level, it's what we all want. Your parents mess up all the time and you're not filing for legal emancipation. But with relationships and marriages, it's all break-ups and divorce.
I've always found it funny how insecurity increases arrogance.

6. Run. All I want to do is run. Away from life. Choices, decisions, the wheels of the bus go round and round. I want to run in fast forward to that place where everything is sorted. But I can't

7. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can bubble under the surface threatening to spill over at any time. It can explode at the drop of a hat. At a time where something completely irrelevant comes up. Anger is often underrated. Anger is a state of temporary insanity.

8. Lessons from heart-bruise

1. It doesn't matter what it looks like. It's not a relationship if you don't agree that it is, because emotions not actions make a relationship. You know how sometimes you step outside your self and look at a situation and think 'Oh God, this is not my life'. One of such moments was

9. The reason I hate social interaction is this. Basically I am two versions of myself. Myself and an exaggerated version of myself. Now in social interaction, I automatically become the exaggerated version, and it's really exhausting. I just don't think myself can hold up. I'm basically an introverted person. The things I like doing the most involve me. Alone. Even analysing other people. Me. And for 'me' to suffice in social interaction, someone has to be willing to dig deep in order to realise that i'm not just basically boring as dirt. Actually when i'm being me, people never think i'm boring as dirt, they always think i'm up myself and think i'm better than anyone else.

10. I love having new followers. I love that some people read my blog. Sometimes I long for the beginning when noone was listening- I didn't have to edit- I just poured out my soul.

11. I smile a lot. For a change, I wanted to start my post with something positive about myself. Though it may often seem like this is a list of flaws I find about myself,

12. Dear Crush

I can't remember the last time I felt you- but I remember what you feel like. Warm and happy. Butterflies. Excited about a message, a call, seeing you. Corny. Nights spent listening to music- staring at the ceiling. Thinking about you. I can't remember what about you. Just about you.

Sometimes I miss you. The promise- excitement of something new.

13. Life is getting more complicated. But somehow, I feel better equipped to deal with it. I remember my mum's older sister always saying that she didnt want to be young again because of all the emotional trauma. I get that now. Everything is so much more dramatic when you're young. The older you get, you develop the 'been there- done that- seen it all' attitude. And I have to say- that makes life easier to be in. I'm so calm about so many things that would have caused me all sorts of inner (and outer) turmoil before. But then again, I feel kinda dead inside most of the time- so maybe its some sort of trade off.

14. Ok- im supposed to be studying! but i dont want to...

I'm wondering..wats all this Obama 'we did it' stuff..i accept the fact that it is an achievement- first black president- yadiya..shows were embracing all skin..etc..i dont mean to trivialise this at all...but people!! lets allow the man to do something before we hail him as making history- wat did he do?? he ran for president..lets face it- Mcain was a weaker candidate- putting all this skin color aside.
You know who i think we should be congratulating the public. The 'majority' that realised that color has nothing to do with the principle of 'the best man winning'..So please- all this patting on the back and grinning- we did it- is slightly

15. i dont know what to blog about! i feel bad because everyone has been hit witha blogging fever that has appeared to pass me by. i guess i can do my tagged..but my ipod isnt near me and i cant get up to go and get it. hmmm..bloggers block..

16. People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not

The problem with changing yourself or elements of yourself to suit someone else is that you're always left with a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction. There's also the tendency to think you can do more, change more, be more tolerant- if you've already changed a little, it's hard to start drawing the line for when it crosses into a lot.

Don't get me wrong: change is good Change is necessary, it's human, life. It has to happen and we should all try to change for the better. However, change always has to be for you. Once you start changing for anything other than the fact that YOU want to change, it becomes hard to remember what your principles are... the elements of yourself that make you look into the mirror everyday.

Often people tell me i'm complicated. Hard to read or understand. My best friend the other day said 'you're odd'. I'm socially awkward and toe the line between being too honest (aka, kinda rude) to being very tactful (aka fake laughter, uninterested agreement). I often feel like I have to go one step forward to present myself in a way that is more relatable, less hard to reach. I want to present myself as a plated meal instead of one that you have to put into the microwave, and definitely not one where you actually have to put the ingredients together and cook.

But the truth is, I AM ingredients. The beauty of that is that loads of people can put it together and end up with different results and what's more fascinating than that? Why do i constantly find myself trying to figure out what combination works best for what person. What part of myself to take out, what part to put more of? Does this pressure even come from outside or is it some internal pressure i'm going to have to live with forever? Am i going to spend my life darting between trying too hard- changing too much, or not trying at all?

On some days, to some people...I don't even know if the part i'm playing resembles me at all.

Thinking With Anatomy

You hear it all the time. Guys would do anything, say anything to get sex. But you never really believe it. How can you? It seems so animalistic...implies that they have no self control- no choice, which are the elements that make us human (well aside speech and fashion). But to witness it is actually a thing of beauty. Guys actually do anything- say anything...to have sex.

Now before I continue, I have to point out that this is a gross over-generalisation. I am not by any means referring to all guys, or even most guys. I'm referring to guys. An indeterminate number of them. Because even if i refer to just a minute number of people, it's still a fascinating phenomenon.

I would like to see experiments on the brain when a guy is in 'hunt mode'. What is it about the anticipation of sex that makes him not think clearly, deny his mother, sell his birthright...change the laws of an entire church?

Someone help me out...For someone who is passionate about pop-psychology, this really blows my mind.