To me...Trust is overrated. Trustworthiness, like love- in the 'purest' form, does not exist. It does not need to exist. We trust, not because we want to, but because we need to.

You go on a ride on an amusement park because the amusement park claims that it's safe. That is trust. You choose to believe that someone is where they say they are, because it's easier. Choosing to trust makes life easy and if you ask anyone that's been up all night or consumed with anxiety because they couldn't trust, they'll tell you. Trust is hard.

Until recently, I live in this dream world where I believed in 'betrayal' and silly concepts that ultimately rely on fairytale perfect behaviour. But once again, I've learnt that we are human (I tend to forget this a lot) and we can't be perfect. Ans we're not supposed to be perfect. Sometimes we need to come out of this world where we think 'if you love me, you won't hurt me' and 'I can trust you with my life'. Your life is your life, why do you need to trust someone with it?

Remember when God said 3 things endure- faith, hope and love? I don't remember 'trust' being there.

I'm not sure what I ranted about. My point is this.

Trust is overrated.

I wish i was fearless. I read this:

"There are those kind of relationships.
You know, the real ones. The ones where you like to talk, to play, to argue, and to fuck. The ones where you can’t stand each other and can’t stand to be apart from one another at the same time. The ones where you each have your own life, but you allow each other to enrich them instead of control them. The ones where you switch off being needy and desperate but generally are equally obsessed. The ones where you feel secure but not bored, where you are just as excited about the conversation you have during dinner as the sex you’ll have afterwards. You’ve seen each other bitchy, whiny, ugly, tired, sick and you still want each other desperately. It’s the ones where you know that neither of you is perfect, but you’re perfect for each other."

source- http://www.sincesheleft.com/

And it made me realise that someone doesn't have to treat you badly for you to not be with them. We're so scared of everything, because we're taught that settling is the better option. Scared to chase dreams. Scared to leave a wrong relationship. Scared that the crazy business idea is just crazy.

Right now today, maybe I realise that I don't have to settle and my crazy idea might make sense and my dreams can be reality and i can find the right relationship. And i still haven't figured out the relationship formula but I know that feeling unhappy as equally or more than you feel happy is not the right one.

I wish I was fearless.

After a while, you start to understand who you are. Maybe none of us ever gets complete understanding, maybe we arent even supposed to- because we change, and we grow and then the process has to start again. But sometimes, we start to understand, and that beginning is important- its even enough, for a while.

I read my old diaries. I didnt like how similar i was to the person I used to be. Narcissistic. Thats one way I've always wanted to be different. To come out of my head and realise that the world- even my world, isnt solely about ME. There are other views, thoughts, feelings. What I want isn't always what matters. Because we all want. We all need. We all want someone to be something to us. But my wants and needs do not exist in isolation. I can't have my own expectations without realising that other people have expectations too.

So i'm only starting to understand myself. And accept myself. And realise that this world doesnt spin for me.

Relationship 503 feat @playbackgenius

I read somewhere before that a healthy relationship is like a three course meal-it leaves you so satisfied, that no matter what anyone else offers you, you are uninterested because you're so full. Now this may be true sometimes, but we all know there are some greedy ass people who will still accept more food. And yes, it may not taste as good as the delicious three course meal, but that doesn't mean it tastes bad. It doesn't mean it tastes bad at all!!!

So the age-long question-why do people cheat? Now I'm so tempted to ask 'why do guys cheat'-but maybe we all know everyone cheats and the guys get found out-because girls are not careless like that-just saying.

So why do 'people' cheat? Here's what @playbackgenius has to say...

Why Have a Snack when you got a Proper Meal?
That’s a typical question mothers ask their kids when they don’t want to eat amala and ewedu for dinner. However, this isn’t about food it’s about relationships, with a proper meal being what you have with your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse and a snack being that person you just gotta have even if it means you’re gonna be cheating.
Relationships are wonderful, they can also be headache. You deal with your girlfriend’s mood swings and your boyfriends inconsistency in making calls, or in this era PINGING! But nothing hurts more than to find out that your significant other has gone out for a snack, or bite.... (Ok that doesn’t right).
Sex plays an important role in relationships. For some, it’s the most important aspect of a relationship. A relationship without sex would be like strapping a hungry man to a chair and putting a plate of food a few meters away from him. For others, sex is just the icing on the cake. If there wasn’t much sex they wouldn’t stop falling in love (BLEH!!)
So why do people cheat? Men and women have sexual demands which they feel must be satisfied, and if they can’t get it from their partners they get it from someone else. This might sound selfish but as humans we all have individual demands, most of which are self serving. Sometimes we genuinely would love to remain faithful to our spouse but then we fall to the overwhelming power of sexual lusts that we forget about him/her for those precious 2 minutes.... or more.
Hmmm, but then again what could generate these ‘selfish’ demands? I’ll break it down into two parts: Starvation and Greed.
Picture a girl in a relationship with this dude. She feels he’s the one. However, homeboy ain’t always around when it’s -10 degrees outside and she’s all alone licking her ice-cream with Bruno (the golden retriever), watching Grey’s Anatomy. Her man is always busy with work, or worse he’s not within close proximity aka it’s long distance thing. Her sexual cravings increase. She goes out with her girlfriends one night to a bar, meets this dude, they start talking and once the night’s over, they stop by the convenience store to buy a box of condoms. They both get into her house and she can’t wait for them to get into the bedroom. Six hours after doing the nasty the house looks like Armageddon just happened. The girl in this scenario is starved. Her sexual escapades or lack of pushes her to go do something she probably wouldn’t have if her partner was available.
This dude on the other hand has a sexually active relationship but his homeboys come through telling him that he’s lost his pimp game, he doesn’t hang around with the fellas anymore, and he’s a sucker for love, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, this girl in class has been giving him ‘the look’ from day one and her backside isn’t looking bad at all (yes boss). His professor decides to put the both of them in a team for a particular project which means they’ll get more periods spent together, most times in her private residence where she feels more comfortable wearing her t-shirts without a bra . It doesn’t take long before the inner pimp asks him “umm dude when, when are you gonna tap that?” O_o

I’m going to point out here that snacks are not meant to replace a meal but if you think one has nothing to with the other, try a portion of dumplings at wagamama and tell me if you jump on your katsu curry with as much enthusiasm afterwards.

Whatever the case is, cheating is cheating and it could leave your partner hurt, or even the both of you. Some relationships survive after a cheating experience. A lot of them don’t. Successful relationships are built through good communication, trust and the ‘S’ word......Sacrifice. A little snack every now and then might taste good, but it can’t replace what you get from a proper meal. And if it does, maybe being a relationship is really your thing.

It’s not fair, Eve had it easy. She opened her eyes and there was a beautiful naked man beside her who she just happened to be made for. He was already in love with her so no analysing if he was really going to meet her next to the stream when he said so, or if he really meant it when he invited her to eat some grapes.

She didn’t have to analyse how he felt the morning after he saw her naked- and what bodily insecurities could she have had? She was vegan for goodness sake. Ok so she might have been a little gassy, but that body was definitely amazing.

Sigh.

ilovetights.tumblr.com

For those of you that dont know- I have another blog, check it out:

ilovetights.tumblr.com

Thanks for all the comments on my last post.

xxx

I want someone to tell me what to do. Up till now, life has been pretty much straightforward. You do a levels to get into uni, you do uni, you do masters, then what? Its really really hard trying to make decisions for myself- Before I started masters, I secretly wished that I'd fall in love and then take the next direction in my life based on where his life was going. I just hate being at this 'adult' stage where I have sole control of my life. OK truthfully, I've had a lot of control for a while- but there have always been people with strong opinions to pull me in different directions. Now, there are no more opinions, there's just me. Mine. And I don't know what I want to do.

confused.com

xxx

The 30 Day Challenge

Here's the deal- im lazy. Like super lazy. Like if you looked up the word in the dictionary, my name would be there with a picture. I am incredibly lazy. Ok- im sure now you get the drift. And quite honestly, im pretty sick of it. I'm well versed in the art of chatting shit and making it sound good, so over the years i've spun a variety of excuses to justify how lazy I am- how little i'm doing with my life. But now the excuses are starting to sound feeble to my ears, and even though, they've sounded like that to other people for a while, now that I can hear it- I HAVE to do something. I'm 21. Im not going to go into some sort of 'i'm old' panic, because i'm still pretty young. However, I'm not a baby anymore and there's noone telling me how to live my life anymore- so I have to make some changes. And this is where the 30 day challenge comes in.

Have you ever heard that long thing that says 'your actions become habits and habits become character...'. Well I hope there's some truth there because I read somewhere else that it takes about 30 days for an action to become a habit. So the 30 day challenge is about doing things for 30 days that I would like to become habits and then those habits can make me a better person and actually make my life a little more worthwhile.

So here we go:

1. Exercise everyday- I pretty much do this already, theres no harm in reinforcing it tho.

2. Sleep Early, Wake up early- I've never read a success story that started with 'I used to roll out of bed at noon- whatever time I wanted really'. This sleep thing is really something I want because a good night's sleep for me is the exception, not the norm. I wake up a lot and it's hard to get to sleep in the first place. But maybe if I force my body into some kind of submission, sleeping would be easier.

3. Write everyday- I do this already actually, but the way i've been doing it is not going to get me published. I need to start being disciplined and write even when i'm not 'inspired', even when I don't feel like, then maybe I can actually start something and finish.

4. To that end, i'm blogging everyday.

5. 6 hours of dissertation (at least) daily. This is a no- brainer really, I'm not exactly trying to fail my masters.

6. No baggage- by this I mean, no wasting my time with people that are not going to give back what I give. So i'm not going to be calling the friend that often forgets to return calls, and instead call the ones whose calls I forget to return. It's kind of ironic how we (humans) love to make life more complex, more painful for ourselves that it needs to be. We ignore happiness in search of pain and rejection. Well me I dont want- because pain, sadness, all that bad stuff actually seeps into other areas of your life, makes you less productive. It's the reason why sometimes I just want to sleep for 3 hours in the daytime or watch some movie ive seen many times before. Happiness takes practice, but with happiness, the need to escape grows less and with no need to escape, you find other productive things to do with your time.

7. Job Applications daily- the earlier financial independence starts, the more successful, you are likely to be. (this is my commonsense logic- feel free to disagree)

I think 7 things is plenty. There are ONLY 24 hours in a day. Today I woke up early, i've gone for a run, ive blogged- therefore I have written. 30 day challenge? This is going to be a breeze.

ps- I know im not the only bum in blogsphere- so go on- start your own 30 day challenge!

xxx

What if you cant have it all? What if they lied to us? Our parents- the motivational speakers- our friends- movies- books- life. What if everything was a lie? What if you cant have it all? This perfectly rounded, world accepted view of happiness and contentment. Of right and wrong. I'm sure if we ask the 53 year old single woman who divorced her husband when she was 36 because he cheated on her, she might agree that infidelity is not the ultimate crime and even if it was- being alone night after night is a bigger crime. Because how can we expect perfect happiness when we are ourselves imperfect? How can we give perfect love when we ourselves do not have the ability to be perfect.

Maybe 'perfect' is too strong a word, because many would say that they dont strive for perfection- they strive for contentment. Contentment then. At what point do you choose to accept being content, without feeling like you're settling. At what point do you say- this is what I need, so im going to stop. Its like life is like a game of deal or no deal. You decide early on that once you get enough money to pay your mortgage, or pay for a holiday or have that surgery, you would accept the bankers offer and walk away. But then the banker offered you an amount you thought you could be content with, and you go on playing anyway because those numbers on the board taunt you- tell you that you CAN have more. And sometimes you do get more. But just as often, you dont. But how do YOU know when to stop. Whats the meter that you get in your head or heart that tells you- no more. Be content. Let go. Stop hoping. Let go. Let go.

Because the truth is there is no meter. You have to decide. Theres no having it all. You choose what you can cope with. You prioritise. You can have some. Then at some random point (which isnt pre-determined, which you have to decide) you decide- this is enough. And it is at that point that 'enough' becomes 'all'.

Life is hard.

When You See Me

Don't be that person. The person who gets hurt when people switch. You are you and I am me. Let them fall out-of lust and like. It happens. Its not you its me. That's what they say. Accept maybe it is you. Maybe not totally-partly. Don't listen to them when they lie and tell you your perfect. Tell you to wait for the person who sees the imperfections as perfect. Maybe that's not what I need. Maybe I don't want you to think my flaws are beautiful. Flaws are flaws. Let's accept what is ugly as ugly. But let's see past the ugliness. But I did-i did wait. I did find you-elusive creature that saw the flaws. Does it matter if you accept the ugly and find beauty somewhere else? Does that create some kind of life balance? The truth is simple really. I don't care about the adjectives. Beauty. Ugly. I want beyond the adjectives. I want you to reach to my core. The inner solitude. Past all the layers of pain and sad-happy all the time-locked in my head pretence. The layers of searching-hoping this time I'll find me. The layers of tears, acceptance, longing for that elusive comfort that I've heard another human can provide.

So when you look at me-my priority is not for the things you see. Physically. Or the ways I push you away. Taunting your emotions but pulling you close. Hoping you'll reach inside and see me and still stay. Its not if I look good naked or I make you laugh. Its that silent acceptance-that when you look at me, you don't see adjectives or pronouns. You see Me.