Forgiveness is a funny thing. I'm not sure I even know what it means. I often think of the way God gives us forgiveness and His forgiveness is unconditional conditioned on the premise that we acknowledge that we need to be forgiven. So basically, it's not automatic.

In real life, that's kind of hard. People don't walk around saying 'ive wronged you and I need to be forgiven.' They are more likely to say 'im right and you're wrong sucker- deal with it', so how exactly does it work. I've heard this 'forgiveness is more for you than for the other person' and I guess it's true to an extent...but really?

And then do you really forget? If you still treat someone based on their past actions...have you actually forgiven them?

Can you just wipe the slate clean and act like they never did that thing? In essence the kind of forgiveness we expect from God?

Or is it just beneath our human capability?

Can you really forgive someone that doesnt want forgiveness? That doesnt deserve forgiveness and not feel a massive pit of resentment?

I really just dont know

I think a big part of maturity is self-awareness. Knowing yourself well enough to know what you can and can't do. Actually what you should and shouldn't do. I've been in the exact same position loads of times and thought...why am i here...again? It's like you do something you know you shouldn't do, knowing it would lead to a place you don't want to go back to...but you take the road anyway. It's not even optimism or naivety, it's just a sheer lack of self-control...the way I imagine an addict feels. The temporary ecstasy makes you believe that your long term happiness is something you should gamble. Something you can gamble. And then you end up in the EXACT SAME POSITION AGAIN!

And then when I run through it in my mind...the only thing I can think is...

WHY THE HELL AM I HERE AGAIN?

Fiction Friday: Silent Voices

They said I went mad.

I remember that day. I was lying on my bed, thinking. A voice in my head spoke to me. ' take off your clothes'. The voice was urgent, desperate sounding. I tried to ignore it. It grew louder, harsher, almost threatening to destroy my brain from the volume of it. I took off my clothes.

'walk to your door'. This time resistance was shorter.

'open it and walk outside'.

I obeyed. People stared, pointed, covered their kids eyes. Cars slowed and people shouted things at me.

'they are jealous, ignore them', the voice said. I ignored them.

'walk faster'.

I walked faster.

A man shouted 'the police as coming for you'.

The voice asked me to run. I ran.

Then one day I was exhausted.I was tired of listening to the voice. It made me eat food from dustbins and wear paperbags. It made me walk for hours and run to escape the police. The voice sensed my tiredness.

'kill him'. Him was a random guy that occasionally shouted insults at me. 'kill him. Kill him.KILL HIM.'

I covered my ears and screamed.

'KILL HIM'.

I'm still not sure how I did it. They say it was with a piece of broken glass from the street. I'm not sure how I overpowered him, but there was blood. So much blood.

The voice was quiet when they blamed me. When they tried to kill me. His family ignored the voice. They wanted me punished. The voice remained quiet when they threw me in a small airless room.

They say I went mad.

The voice left before I could prove it wasn't me.

*thank you to everyone that leaves a comment and everyone that follows me. I check everyone of your blogs, i promise...i'll get better at leaving comments*

Mish-Mash of Unpublished Posts (unfinished)

I realised that I've started a lot of posts and not finished them. So I decided to just publish them anyway. These date back to 2008, so some of it might seem a bit strange. Enjoy.


1.Physical attraction is a bitch sometimes. I can see why the most beautiful people are the most insecure. Someone liking you for the way you look is as hard hitting and shallow as it gets.
This has happened to me too many times. Sometimes it makes me want to scream- I AM AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING. IM SMART AND FUNNY AND INTERESTING. SO WHY CAN'T YOU WANT MORE????
Then again,

2.Sometimes when something happens Everytime something happens, you have to take time out to figure out what the situation teaches you, about yourself, about life, about other people. The weaknesses you need to change and the strengths you need to build. It's easy to get caught up in the pain and drama of something hurtful. But nothing happens without some kind

3. Happy. I don't think I have many posts that just stem from a completely happy place, but I am- happy. I think one of the best things about happiness is that you don't have to experience it for hours at a time, to have it. Sometimes, it's just in a moment.

4. As human beings, we always like to feel like we're working for something. We share the 'nothing good comes easy' philosophy. If you don't work for something, it's valueless. Same with people.

5. Special and safe. Those are my two expectations from a relationship. Just the feeling that someone rates you above other people and they arent looking for reasons to bail. On some level, it's what we all want. Your parents mess up all the time and you're not filing for legal emancipation. But with relationships and marriages, it's all break-ups and divorce.
I've always found it funny how insecurity increases arrogance.

6. Run. All I want to do is run. Away from life. Choices, decisions, the wheels of the bus go round and round. I want to run in fast forward to that place where everything is sorted. But I can't

7. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It can bubble under the surface threatening to spill over at any time. It can explode at the drop of a hat. At a time where something completely irrelevant comes up. Anger is often underrated. Anger is a state of temporary insanity.

8. Lessons from heart-bruise

1. It doesn't matter what it looks like. It's not a relationship if you don't agree that it is, because emotions not actions make a relationship. You know how sometimes you step outside your self and look at a situation and think 'Oh God, this is not my life'. One of such moments was

9. The reason I hate social interaction is this. Basically I am two versions of myself. Myself and an exaggerated version of myself. Now in social interaction, I automatically become the exaggerated version, and it's really exhausting. I just don't think myself can hold up. I'm basically an introverted person. The things I like doing the most involve me. Alone. Even analysing other people. Me. And for 'me' to suffice in social interaction, someone has to be willing to dig deep in order to realise that i'm not just basically boring as dirt. Actually when i'm being me, people never think i'm boring as dirt, they always think i'm up myself and think i'm better than anyone else.

10. I love having new followers. I love that some people read my blog. Sometimes I long for the beginning when noone was listening- I didn't have to edit- I just poured out my soul.

11. I smile a lot. For a change, I wanted to start my post with something positive about myself. Though it may often seem like this is a list of flaws I find about myself,

12. Dear Crush

I can't remember the last time I felt you- but I remember what you feel like. Warm and happy. Butterflies. Excited about a message, a call, seeing you. Corny. Nights spent listening to music- staring at the ceiling. Thinking about you. I can't remember what about you. Just about you.

Sometimes I miss you. The promise- excitement of something new.

13. Life is getting more complicated. But somehow, I feel better equipped to deal with it. I remember my mum's older sister always saying that she didnt want to be young again because of all the emotional trauma. I get that now. Everything is so much more dramatic when you're young. The older you get, you develop the 'been there- done that- seen it all' attitude. And I have to say- that makes life easier to be in. I'm so calm about so many things that would have caused me all sorts of inner (and outer) turmoil before. But then again, I feel kinda dead inside most of the time- so maybe its some sort of trade off.

14. Ok- im supposed to be studying! but i dont want to...

I'm wondering..wats all this Obama 'we did it' stuff..i accept the fact that it is an achievement- first black president- yadiya..shows were embracing all skin..etc..i dont mean to trivialise this at all...but people!! lets allow the man to do something before we hail him as making history- wat did he do?? he ran for president..lets face it- Mcain was a weaker candidate- putting all this skin color aside.
You know who i think we should be congratulating the public. The 'majority' that realised that color has nothing to do with the principle of 'the best man winning'..So please- all this patting on the back and grinning- we did it- is slightly

15. i dont know what to blog about! i feel bad because everyone has been hit witha blogging fever that has appeared to pass me by. i guess i can do my tagged..but my ipod isnt near me and i cant get up to go and get it. hmmm..bloggers block..

16. People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not

The problem with changing yourself or elements of yourself to suit someone else is that you're always left with a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction. There's also the tendency to think you can do more, change more, be more tolerant- if you've already changed a little, it's hard to start drawing the line for when it crosses into a lot.

Don't get me wrong: change is good Change is necessary, it's human, life. It has to happen and we should all try to change for the better. However, change always has to be for you. Once you start changing for anything other than the fact that YOU want to change, it becomes hard to remember what your principles are... the elements of yourself that make you look into the mirror everyday.

Often people tell me i'm complicated. Hard to read or understand. My best friend the other day said 'you're odd'. I'm socially awkward and toe the line between being too honest (aka, kinda rude) to being very tactful (aka fake laughter, uninterested agreement). I often feel like I have to go one step forward to present myself in a way that is more relatable, less hard to reach. I want to present myself as a plated meal instead of one that you have to put into the microwave, and definitely not one where you actually have to put the ingredients together and cook.

But the truth is, I AM ingredients. The beauty of that is that loads of people can put it together and end up with different results and what's more fascinating than that? Why do i constantly find myself trying to figure out what combination works best for what person. What part of myself to take out, what part to put more of? Does this pressure even come from outside or is it some internal pressure i'm going to have to live with forever? Am i going to spend my life darting between trying too hard- changing too much, or not trying at all?

On some days, to some people...I don't even know if the part i'm playing resembles me at all.

Thinking With Anatomy

You hear it all the time. Guys would do anything, say anything to get sex. But you never really believe it. How can you? It seems so animalistic...implies that they have no self control- no choice, which are the elements that make us human (well aside speech and fashion). But to witness it is actually a thing of beauty. Guys actually do anything- say anything...to have sex.

Now before I continue, I have to point out that this is a gross over-generalisation. I am not by any means referring to all guys, or even most guys. I'm referring to guys. An indeterminate number of them. Because even if i refer to just a minute number of people, it's still a fascinating phenomenon.

I would like to see experiments on the brain when a guy is in 'hunt mode'. What is it about the anticipation of sex that makes him not think clearly, deny his mother, sell his birthright...change the laws of an entire church?

Someone help me out...For someone who is passionate about pop-psychology, this really blows my mind.

My Best Friend

...is simple.

In a world where everyone complicates everything, it's necessary. Everybody needs a friend that looks at a problem in terms of the solution and nothing else. People are always looking at problems from all sides of the spectrum, instead of just abandoning all that examination and solving it.

...is honest.

It's exhausting to constantly have to read between the lines of what someone is saying. With her, I know I never have to. Even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

...doesn't indulge in pity parties.

This- I often hate. Who doesn't like a good pity party? With her, it's straight- it happened, it happened, leave it alone.

...doesn't over-analyze anything.

No need to think if 'hi' really meant 'bye', 'no' really meant 'maybe'...Like i said...

My best friend is simple.

I wouldn't have her any other way. ok ok, maybe a little more flexible sometimes, geez!

Now I feel like everytime I try to write, the words get stuck somewhere between my head and my hands. Or maybe it's just that I don't know what I want to say. Words used to be my hiding place. Or my safe place. The one way to express stuff even I didn't understand. Now it doesn't feel so safe anymore. Every word that comes out feels like a betrayal of my emotions. Emotions are suppose to be buried deep inside of you. They aren't supposed to spill out for anyone to see. Even you. They should be buried.

What am I even saying?

Writing isn't my safe place anymore. Music doesn't understand me quite as well as it used to.

I don't get lost in false storybook characters anymore.

I have no more escapes.

But all I want to do is run.

Music is like a drug. I'm probably stating the obvious but sometimes you find the perfect 4 minutes and 8 seconds, and from the minute you hear the first bar, you're removed from yourself. Your thoughts are clearer- you understand your emotions more- sometimes the music understands your emotions more than you and you're chilling with the song in perfect understanding. If you're anything like me, you use that song over and over- until you play it and feel nothing- time to let go, sad but necessary.

Music understands us because music is us. Sometimes we find a song that we like, but don't love. We wouldn't skip it if it came up on shuffle, but we wouldn't seek it out either. Or we get a song stuck in our heads and cant seem to get it out, no matter how annoying. Sometimes we hate a song on first listen (ushers omg anyone?) but it grows on us so slowly that we find ourselves humming its tune in the kitchen. Sometimes we love a song. We play it on repeat. Its our go to song, and then gradually we tire of it. Because no matter how much you love something or hate something, however strongly you feel about something, the feeling dulls after a while.

In the end sometimes, the best feelings are more basic than we realise. We think love is this shiny, heart beating, mouth dry feeling. There are so many things that feel so strong; lust, infatuation, crushes. Love is what is left when you take away all the other things. It's the security, stability, safety. It's not necessarily butterlies or heart-thumping. It's just safe, easy. The song you always listen to whenever you can't be bothered to think of anything else. And yeah, it's not very romantic, but it's so much more than that...

That said, the repeat songs that you tire of are really fun while you still want to repeat them. And who doesn't like the first exciting bars?

Being 'good', it's very hard because in the modern world...

Good= naive, punk, idiot, mugu, optimistic (and not in a good way), fake...

Very rarely is being good accepted as ..well...good.

Thing is...I want to be good. I like being good. Actually, I think I need to take a couple of steps backwards here and explain...what exactly does it mean to be good?

*stares blankly at keyboard*
*racks brain*

I seem to have lost all sense of being articulate. It seems like a waste to try and contain such a huge concept with a couple of well-meaning adjectives. Good is more of a feeling- doing the 'right'thing. Not giving in to negative emotions like anger or jealousy. Honesty. Not hurting people on purpose. Taking steps to positively correct your actions if you happen to hurt someone. Promoting positivity even in the face of intense negative energy.

So no. Being good here, unfortunately, is not meant in any religious context. There are no rules. It's not 'saving self for marriage' and 'never telling a lie', it's more inherent than that...ok, I think we're all up to speed on the concept.

So why is it so hard for the world to allow someone to be good. Now I understand why it's hard for one to actually be good. But why is it hard to ALLOW someone else to be good? It's like when someone actually makes a genuine effort to do the 'right' thing, to 'turn the other cheek' (and no- if someone hits you physically, this is not what i advocate). But sometimes when someone calls me stupid- I don't want to call them stupid back. Because, well...it's stupid. And to be honest, i'm not stupid. I don't want to reduce myself to act based on someone else's negative emotion, I want to see the better side of the people, not the absolute worst side. I want to be trusting, not cynical. I want to believe people don't set out to hurt other people and if they do, it's from a place of hurt and responding in a negative manner only deepens their own issues.

So yes, maybe I don't mind being hopelessly optimistic or naive or a punk sometimes. Maybe I don't mind looking stupid because i'll rather not lash out or fight back. But that's my prerogative. So tell me...why can't I just have it?