Its confession time!!

i lost the nigerian update post i was goin to put up- therez a lot hapn- MDM ur hot guy is in the bag!!

I didnt think i would do this- but im kinda tired of living a double life- so um u guys- blackberry?? thats me!

xx

19th December, 2008.

I knew it.
From the moment I got on the plane
From the moment I heard his voice
From the moment I knew he was approximately 35 miles away
From the moment I knew I was going to see him
From the moment my heart stopped
When I thought of what to wear
From pacing in front of my mirror
Nervously glancing at my watch, biting my fingernails
Waiting- exciting the butterflies that had taken resident in my tummy

‘I’m scared’
‘Why are you scared?’
‘Because the last time I saw you, I was crazy about you. I don’t want that to happen again’
‘hmm’

I knew that I was lying when I said I wasn’t sure
When I said I ‘might’
I knew I did
And then I saw him
Breath caught in my throat
My heart stopped beating
Over him?
I don’t think so.

Happy Birthday (to me)

So its my birthday. I find birthdays stressful because everyone wants so hard for you to be happy..that its exhausting at the end!! Like this yr i dint want to do anything- but obviously, my family would have none of that- so pple are going to come ova! i wish i was one of those chilled people that dont care about mixing friends and making everyone happy- but i know i wont relax if i dont think pple are happy!! argh!! Ok, guys..today is my birthday and deep down inside..im happy-i really am!!im tired of typing now- so ill blog soon!

happy birthday to me.
btw- im in Lagos..although i might go to abj for a bit..
xx

Obligations, vibrators and cute boys!

Can i start by saying 'yepa!!'..i think i may have lost a very very important secret book!! demmit!! How the heck did i lose it??

So anyway- i couldnt think of anything exciting to blog about, so ill just blog about a couple of things.

First of all i was thinking about the fact that a vibrator vibrates! ok that sounds silly-but hell-ur going to put a plastic(or rubber or metal) foreign object inside u and then it vibrates as well-isnt that a bit much???? And maybe i understand the vibrating objects that just play around the outskirts but the ones that go in?? like seriously??

Obligation- like this really fascinates me-how any sort of special relationship (best friend, boyfriend, even parent!!) gives rise to so many oblligations!! as in geez- my friend has these theory that we focus on the stuff that people should be doing so we dont have to think of how they feel (or dont feel). E.g, you need the guy to call you everyday so you dont have to think of the fact that him not calling means he doesnt like you! As in really-all these obligations tire me out. I went to see a boy one time and my friends were so upset that i took a cab home!! 'why dint he drop u at hme..why did he let you take a cab?'..wtf??

I resepect the whole adoration thing and all-but quite frankly..were all different people. Some people love talking on the phone- some people dont. Some people love driving- some people dont. Now- i know what everyone is going to say- if someone likes you enough or loves you or whatever, they should be able to do these things. They should want to do these things!! To be honest- i dont necessarily agree. And i know we cant escape obligations, but i damn well wish we could! Now i feel so strongly about this, i can go on for ever, but ill leave it there for now.

So- someone mentioned music- right now i looove
1. hello-beyonce
2. fade into the background-neyo
3. lets just be-neyo
4. right na na na-akon

DM- u know i live (my blog life) for u!!hehe

Miss Cocoa- um..now wat can i say about u?? *scratches hair*..omg!! i might need some antidandruff shampoo!

So, im going to Nigeria. Everybody is waiting to see how i'd react being around my beloved Foil and my new Mr T. Hmmm. Me being the pure mask of ice that i am- im sure i'll be happy-go-lucky!! while my emotions beat against my chest!!

Omg!! i just remembered my psycho-past. I really have been the psycho-ex girlfriend before!! yiiikes..i cringe thinking about it..but i cant blog about it now-because this post is getting too long..so more about that later i hope..

Oh yeah- me, foil and Mr T- i remember this situation before- only--err, at that point it was just me and Foil thinking of how we could kick the third party out so we could..um..talk..yah..

Great- so ive fulfilled my obligation!! i hope ur satisfied!!

Love, me
xx

So what should i blog about next? hmmm.

I MISS YOU!! like all the time!! its so friggin annoying how much i miss you. I miss kissing you and talking to you in the middle of the night. I miss holding your hand and saying nothing. I miss the way you hold me tight and i feel like i cant breathe..but then i dont want to breathe..bcos being in ur arms is so bloody amazing!!

OMG!! I MISS YOU!

:(

Guys Guys Guys

i deserve better than i settle for. I just realised this. I never move on. Never ever. I always hang on and pretend that were 'friends'..but we neva really are. A friend would never have treated me like that in the first place, would they? I need to learn when to cut my losses and move on. MOVE ON. Now- i can count THREE people i havnt let go off. well one of them-its not him- its us- what we had that i cant let go off. I wake up in d middle of the nite crying bcos i want it so much! the other 2- i dont know what it is..my own weakness maybe?

Nobody believes when i say i'm never looking for someone to walk into my life. they just keep walking in. i keep on telling people im not ready..but guys- they dont listen- so how come im the one that ends up gettin hurt

Mr new guy! gee- i dont want someone else. i really dont. everytime i tell him this- he makes me out to be an ogre (in the nicest way possible)..bcos he really is a nice person..but i dont mind being friends- but thats all it is..does this mean i cant make friends anymore? is it always going to be 'us' or nothing..cos thats wat it always is!

*sigh*

Am i being ungrateful thats theres no guy shortage? Or am i allowed to pray that there might be a short break!

xx

This is by miss DM..and its so absolutely true..theres always two sides to the story..so before u read this..read the post before..just so u fully understand..if u already read that one..then enjoy this one!!DM- i absolutely love u!xx

My dearest Flabby

If only you knew I dont care how you look
but what i dont get
Is how it aint important to wash your face for me
yet you will slap on four layers of makeup before facing the world??

If only you knew
when i tell my friends abt you,
I only tell them the good stuff
Coz how else would they respect you
and love you like they do
if i told them the truth.......
that you dont like them
and the things you said about them.
If only you knew i wish you would do the same for me.

if only you knew
confiding in yor friends aint an issue
what hurts me a little
is when they know stuff about us
well before I do
If only you knew
all i ask of you
is to tell me when you angry well before you tell them

If only you knew that
not returning your calls
doesnt mean I no longer care
It means i've been busy, i've been caught up
or im having a bad day and i dont want to take it out on you
If only you knew that even when i dont call
you always fresh in my mind and busy as i am I keep thinking about you

If only you'd realise that i dont snore on purpose
and that i long for the day
when you will love me
my warts, snores and all

if only you'd realise
I dont mind you holding my hand
but i dont understand
why its only in public or when people are watching
when in private you always too tired......so do you jus love me for show?

If only you would realise
what im asking u to get
Is the fact that that I love you
thats why im with you.
I dance coz i like music
I chat coz im being friendly
but when the club closes
when the dancing is over
when the chatting is finished
Theres only one one woman always take home
that woman is you.

If only you'd realise
actions speak louder than words
when I dont say I love you
Im hoping that the million and one things I do
and im willing to do
always prove how i feel
without me needing to say a word.

if only you'd realise
despite my mistakes
despite my shortcomings
despite my imperfections
you are the only woman i love
the only woman im with
the only woman I keep coming back to despite our many fights
If only you would realise whatever I do,
my heart is always in the right place.

This is to noone..just so u know..

just so u know

i think im cute when i wake up

i wont run 2 wash my face 2 say hey 2 u..deal with it

just so u know

i care sometimes when u say ull call back and u dont

it doesnt mean im clingy, it means i miss you

just so u know

i will tell my friends about u

its not because i have a big mouth

its just a natural thing to do

just so u know

i will mostly tell them the bad things

when im happy i dont want 2 gloat and noone wants to listen

when im sad..i need sympathy

just so u know

i cant stand it wen u snore

so wen u wake up and im watchin tv

im sorry..not evn love can cover that one up

just so u know

i will hold ur hand sometimes

its not primary schoolish

its something i just like to do

just so u know

i dont care if u dance with another girl in the club

i do care when u talk 2 her

and ill b mad if u take her number

dont tell me to 'get it'

i wont

just so u know

i hate to cook

so if i order pizza or chinese

be happy ur not starving

just so u know

im soapy sometimes

so if i randomly say 'i love you'

i didnt do anything wrong

i just do

just so u know

ill tell u if i dont like what u do

that doesnt make me a nag

it just means i dont have to lie and say 'theres nothing wrong

just so u know

if u ask me 'whats wrong'

ill poor out the dumb story and expect u 2 symphatise

so if u dont want 2 know..dont ask.

just so u know

if u dont ask

ill tell u anyway

just so u know

i love you

A series of pointless conversations

1.
me- me and my flatmate had an argument about glasses today..it was over such a stupid thing but it was the biggest argument we've ever had. it was quite upsetting..i actually cried

boy- wait. u guys were arguing about glasses?? are u being serious?

me- i think there were underlying issues there..bcos really it was terrible..i was going on about how she doesnt respect me..she was going on about how i dont respect her

boy- its not that u guys dont respect each other. its that u dont respect yourselves..

*in my mind*..are u frigging serious?? ur telling me i have no self respect at this point?? i am upset!! There are people whose calls i havnt returned..bcos i dont want to speak..im talking to u and i have no self respect???

*out loud* i dont think u get this..im just going to go
boy- no chill..y were u upset
me- i dont need you to be my therapist..bye.

2.
me- if im really upset and i call u..the best thing for u to do is not tell me i have no self respect..even if it was true(which it isnt)..saying it at the begginning of ur speech was wrong

boy- havent u heard of tough love??

me- what?

boy- i just want u to see where im coming from

me- im just saying that was inappropriate

3.me- can u imagine my cousin said she dreamt that me and *jack were going out. people have problems.

boy- how does people having problems relate to ur cousins dream

me- im using my cousins dream as an example of how people have problems. it is a singular example backing a general statement.

boy- thats just pointless. it makes no sense.

me- just bcos u dont understand my point doesnt mean i dont have one

boy- wat u said is pointless

me- can we agree to disagree

boy- no. bcos ur trying to make out that u have a point which i dont understand instead of just admitting u have no point

me- i wont say i have no point to make you comfortable just bcos u dont understand my point. Can we just agree to disagree..half of the time u think i have no point anyway..so y r we arguing.y is this different?

boy- bcos half the time- ur wise enuf to accept u have no point

me- look, i just dont feel like arguing..most of the time..but not this time..im not going to say i have no point to make u comfortable

boy- i just want to hang up on u

me- y dont u them

boy- i just cant

me- oh you're so polite?

boy- i dont know. i just cant

me- so should i get off the phone to make u comfortable?

boy- do wat u want. i think u just called me to try and upset me

me- oh so i just called u to upset u cos that seems like a fantastic way to spend my evening??

boy- i dont know. i wouldnt put it beyond u

me- y did u say that

boy- y do you think i said that?

me- u know what? im going to go. i called u to say hey.if i upset u in the process..im sorry..bye.

Now..if ur reading this thinking..wtf?? are they 12? yep! i know its the silliest thing eva. the last convo is actually an abridged version!I know people are sighing and gasping at the fact that i dint just drop the fone..i guess im very tolerant.ive also learnt that perception is someones reality. if someone believes their own perception of things u cant change their minds. Ive also learnt that sometimes being the small person as opposed to the bigger person is immensely satisfying!! Sometimes i dont believe im an adult. these stupid things that i seem to constantly get myself into...Now for one last pointless conversation with a different boy.

boy- so how many people have u had sex with since you've been single?
me- ive neva had sex
boy- so if i had sex with u now..ull stain my sheets?
me- y d hell did u say that?!!

xx

Distance

I've come to the conclusion that long distance relationships arent infact relationships at all. whats the point?

- of the constant phoneversations? you talk and talk and talk. Some people might argue that this is infact a good thing- but i think too much of everything is bad. You will end up saying stuff that you should NOT say.

- of being alone in all ways but in your heart. You wake up alone with empty dreams and hope that you'll see each other at some future point

- of not being able to hold hands, watch a movie, just chill, not say anything- just be.

- and the strangest thing about distance is that theres so much space- but not enough of it ( i cant explain this)

I respect everyone that makes the decision to have a long distance relationship. Maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm just not strong enough to live on a diet of words and space. 'i miss you's' and 'i wish you were here'

But then maybe its just me

xx

Reality

so foil has someone new in his life- wat am i supposed to feel? honestly? i dont know wat i feel

Don't

Dont chase me away. I run far, fast and i dont look back.

Tears

I wish that one day i would wake up and understand everything. Most of all-myself. that one day i would become this strong, resilient person that everyone imagines me to be. I would be moralistic and motivated. I would think i was beautiful- look at myself in the mirror and through the eyes of other people and be confident that what they see is really me-beautiful. I wish i wish so hard, that i would stop being needy. I wouldnt be afraid that if i let someone in-they are going to leave. I wish i wasn't stupid- i wish i could see- really really believe when someone loved me.

I dont know when my simple wish started to sound poetic, but i really do wish these things were true. I dont need a pyscologist to tell me that i have issues- i guess in a way everyone has issues. I just want mine to dissapear. I want to stop feeling like im incapable of being loved or whatever. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I always feel like giving myself a good kick when i tear up. Ok- so what- two dads left you- thats not personal-that had nothing to do with you- so what you have low self esteem-loads of people do- poor social skills? nothing that cant be improved on- ur needy? tie ur hands behind your back when you want to make whiny calls in the middle of the night

I dont know- I dont know. Sometimes i think life is too hard. But its supposed to be hard right? I know were not supposed to do it alone though. Why do i feel like im doing it alone a lot of the time? Why do i not have God? yeah- everyone has told me- just pray-yeah just go to church-ull get Him back- its not easy. i want to scream 'I DONT HAVE HiM AND I WANT HIM BACK BECAUSE ITS TOO HARD WITHOUT HIM'...because it is- i dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore-those days should be over..

ps- i do have a happy side- i have another blog..This is my emotional side.

What i dont get

what i dont get is... how come we love people differntly..maybe i speak for myself when i say this..but everytime i'm loving someone new..i keep waiting to feel the same way i felt last time..even if i might feel as strong..its never quite the same! Sometimes i feel that 'desperate.i think about u all the time' feeling..and sometimes its just a 'warm-im happy when i think of you' feeling. I dont think it means any less either time..its just... different.

What i dont get is..how come when you're with someone..you really believe they love you..like totally..completely..but then when things go wrong..and maybe their feelings change, you never believe they loved u in the first place. Does that make it easier to move on? Thinking that someone never cared? Is it that you cant bear to think that they DID love you and they dont anymore?? Or is it because love is supposed to be everlasting? But what if they still love you and it just isnt enough??

What i dont get is how quickly things change..people change..or does it just appear to be fast? maybe signs were there and you just didnt see??

What i dont get is how i love so hard..my heart hurts and i always pick people that cant love me back..dont want to love me back..quite so completely..

What i dont get is how to accept things that cannot change

I lie

This is the truth- I lie. I lie sometimes. I lie because i'm human and sometimes its the easier thing to do. I want to be noble. I want to scream- 'I DONT LIE!!'..people are always saying all these things like 'i cant lie..im very bad at lying'...and basically all this stuff that i choose to say isnt true. Maybe it would seem like i'm trying to make myself feel better by claiming that its what everyone does- but isnt it? Dont we all at some point or the other?

Examples of times when i lie? Theres no point. I dont even lie about the big important things- i try not to lie to my mum- i dont think she deserves it..sometimes i lie about the unimportant things..just because i dont want to go into the complications that the truth will require..i dont want to deal with the aftermath of the truth..I've never asked anyone to trust me..its a choice we personally have to make and i dont think it has to do with instinct..i think its just choice- pure and simple!! But having said that, i've never given anyone a reason not to trust me..

Why am i thinking about this now? I dont know. I lie- judge me

From him to him..and him

Ok this is how it is right now...

So in the process of getting over Foil- i got really close to this guy-T. So you know how the cliche goes- now me and T are unofficially together. People start asking all these questions about how he got over me and Foil and whether i am infact over him and all that. Truth is-i dont think it matters that much to him- i'm with him now, arent i? although he does raise doubts about whether i'm truly over Foil. So one day i call Foil- this person that i talked to like everyday for 6 months..and he picks up the phone...i go like 'hii'..he goes hi..*insert name of ex girlfriend- the only ex he has had in 4 years*...understandably..i was quite irritated...hmmm where am i going with all this..oh yeah..so yesterday..for some weird reason..i just thought..'flabby yes or no answer- are u completely over Foil??'..um..no.That irritates me because i really like T-he makes me happy- but it would hurt me to think that he's just some sort of rebound guy.

So what's my point??
Is T a rebound guy?? (God i hope not..i dont want to hurt him because he's so good to me)

I know this is a question i can only answer myself- i just want to see it in writing.

And speaking of T..hes been resorting to emotional blackmail to get me to give him by blog URL! I keep trying to explain to him that i need something separate that he cant see into- but apart from obvious curiosity-its like he wants to see all of me-see into my soul..that was a ridiculously cheesy line, but thats really how it seems!!

Then theres another guy thats there. I'm fond of him- i really am..but he keeps planning stuff in 'our' future- like my bday which is a good three months away!! why?? lol..i cant even mention stuff that i like when i'm talking to him because theres a good possibilty that hell buy it!! i mean-there are nice people and all..but this is slightly ridiculous- T takes the mick out of him a lot..impying that hes desperate and all- me thinks someone is just jealous!!

I'm scared i'll wake up one morning and not feel anything for him-T..but he's scared i'll wake up one morning and not feel anything too--am i really that fickle???

xx

Random Midnight Ramblings

I finally figured what it is about someone leaving you that hurts so much. it’s the fact that one day they loved you, they felt something for you and almost as suddenly as they felt it, it disappeared. So you lie awake thinking of that time they held you till you fell asleep, or whispered to you about their childhood while watching the sunrise, the time they brushed the hair out of your eyes and when they held you so tight, you thought tou would never breathe again. You think of the kisses that went on forever and the hugs that were a little too long…and you wonder how they just stopped feeling anything. What happened? How did they go from missing you to not thinking about you? How did you go from talking everyday to not having anything to say? How is it that now you’re hardly even friends, how is it that they’ve shut you out of their life without you even knowing?

That-more than anything is what hurts the most.


Sometimes I feel like I want to be on the outside looking at myself. I want to see how I laugh-how I look when im listening..I want to look at myself the way other people see me. I find it hard to understand how you can be whoever you want to be to yourself but you will always be who people want you to be to them. Whats the point?? Why do we lie to ourselves?? We are who people want us to be. Why do we have to fight to be who we say we are??

Weddings make me sad. Its looking at that love-the kind that is so overwhelming that people decided that they want it to last forever. Now im not in any way disillusioned. I know that some marriages fall apart. They hardly last forever. What matters is that at that moment when they say their vows and the other moments when they swap rings and walk down the aisles, give speeches and dance with their friends-they truly feel as if they are going to feel that way forever. I think how magical it must be to feel that strongly for someone-its more amazing for someone to feel like that about you. I want someone to feel lucky that they are with me- I want them to feel like ‘this girl is bloody amazing, how come she wants to be with me-im so fortunate’. I don’t have that and that’s what makes me sad.

It's Over

So..im over him! I should be ecstatic..but i feel strangely..dissapointed?? dissapointed that its not harder..dissapointed that now theres this vague, empty feeling where my obsession used to be..Am i crazy?? Or needy? Do i just need an avenue to channel my emotional energy??

Conversation With my Mind

Why do you do the things you do?
Love makes you do crazy things

So you admit that you love him?
I dont know. I dont know if what i feel is real, or infatuation or if its just because i cant have him

What are you going to do?
I dont know. How am i going to get over him?

What do you think you should do?
I think i should stop talking to him. That might level my emotions somewhat.

Can you?
Can i? i guess i can. i'm not saying it would be easy but its not impossible. to make it easier i can do the delete number route....

I'm exhausted . Because i think all the time. My friend asked 'how long are you going to use Foil as an excuse?'..Why am i always looking for excuses. Why do i throw myself totally and completely into things i cant have? What i dont get is...If im making excuses to protect myself, why am i setting myself up for the dissapointment i'm supposed to be running away from?

LOL..im obviously in the process of getting over someone..so forgive my posts.

xx

Laziness

Ok. I'm actually going to post. It might be long or short...i'm just going to follow my train of thought.

So...first of all..i want to thank blogville for their love!!lol

I'm lazy. Now thats ok when it comes to cleaning my room and stuff...because really..im the one that has to live with the results of my laziness...but ive realised that in making decisions..i usually take the easy way out. Like last weekend..i was staying alone in a hotel (the reason for this is long winded)..i call up a copule of my friends in this state..(i was in another state)...anyway i call up this particular person that i had 'something' with last summer. So he comes over..quite late.maybe like half 11. It would be good to point out that i have no feelings for him...im too hung up on Foil.

So anyway...he comes over. We are just hanging out and all... then he starts trying stuff..i would like to describe the process of one thing leading to another..but this blog isnt exactly private..so i'd rather not.But anyway..this is me saying 'leave me alone'..it probably didnt help that i was laughing (thats the way i am..i laugh even when im deadly serious)..maybe i should have just kicked him out..but im not dramatic like that! so eventually i gave in..kissed him and he went on his way. ..he wanted us to meet up again..but somehow..i thought i shouldnt. Now how does this relate to me being lazy..well..i always take the easy option..the lazy part of my brain just says ú might as well'..now this also exhibits in other areas of my life...like breaking up instead of trying, shutting up instead of getting my point across articulately..etc..I think i might do something about this..Realising the problem is half of the solution right???

I've kind of forgotten how ruthless nigerian guys can be in chasing a person..as in really..i find people that follow me in their cars quite rude...

Foil- hmmm..somehow i dont know...maybe i do like people i cant get..i keep thinking ím never going to find anyone like him'...but really..i can probably say that of most of the people ive been with...then i think do i want to find someone that is so closed up...someone that u know so much about and think that u know nothing at all..someone has such a thick mask of politeness that you can never tell what the hell they really think! U know how we always think that people should be more poilte? I really think we shouldnt be. Sometimes its our natural human nature to turn towards rude tendencies and we shouldnt supress it because sometimes thats the only way to actually figure out what people REALLY feel. Its hard to know that someone will always talk to you..they will return your calls and reply ypur texts..they would be pleasant..they will ask about u and remember stuff uve talked about before..they will listen and give advice..they wil be warm and responsive to ur questions..but you can never tell whether it is just because they are polite or if they really mean it!

Now i'm sure you're wondering what the hell im on about and thinking 'someoone cannot be that nice if they dont mean it'...u dont know foil.

Minky!!! have u stopped blogging because of the hijack???

Wow..so much to say..so much to say...but somehow the zeal to write it..to put it in words is hard.i hope i get over this temporary block soon..and get back to proper blogging!!

Before anyone asks...I AM FINE!!! lol!

xx

Its crazy..

Its crazy
i'm crazy about you

Cant imagine, you imagine, i feel how i do

The feeling i get from looking in your eyes
Then you look away, i sigh, i wanna cry

I want you, so badly
cant you see??

You amaze me, confuse me, make me laugh
Then destroy me, sadden me
I almost want to die

It's crazy im crazy about you
Cant imagine, you imagine i feel like i do.

ps- for all that come to read substance, not cheesy poetry..i promise to blog soon!!

xx

I wish...

I wish i was still ignorant of hypocrisy
whispered words and righteous faces

I wish i was still ignorant of heartbreak
shattered hearts and sleepless nights

I wish i was still ignorant of loneliness
alone in a crowded room

I wish i was still ignorant
alone in an empty womb.

Stupidity

Pushy. I wonder if i'm pushy. When i think of pushy...a picture of a really annoying person comes to mind..i guess in some ways im annoying..but everybody is entitled to be annoying sometimes right?? Someone called me pushy..and today i was thinking about it..i guess i am in some ways.I think i might be delusional as well. If you ask someone 'do you like me?' and they say 'i havnt thought about us in that way'..then the person has politely said..'um..no'..Why is this just realisation just coming to me today?? After days and days of making myself look more stupid than i've already done. i think theres a reason why girls pick 'bastards'..because they always know where they stand.Polite people? not so much..they answer everything so diplomatically, you dont pick up the hints until its to late and you look too stupid..*hits head*..I feel like SUCH an IDIOT!!

It seems like i'm always writing about a guy. this guy. Because he makes me feel like i can sometimes reach a level of stupidity i didnt know i had. I can deal with someone not liking me..etc..what really makes me feel stupid is all those diplomatic hints that i just DID NOT get!! I dont know what to say anymore. i guess im just going to keep on cringeing till i get over it and learn to tune my 'hint reception' to a higher frequency.

I'm really not this stupid. I would actually say i'm quite smart. I'm not this obsessive. I would even say i'm fickle. I just dont know what to say anymore. I guess i dont know myself as well as i thought i did.

Dear You...

Dear You,

I don't even know where to start. The way we met was not spectacular. Friend of a friend. But the moment i saw you..u intrigued me. Maybe it was the attitude, the careless half smile, the way conversations were always finished...but always felt like there was more..like there was a hustle for your time.

I was different straight away. Yes, i wanted to preach girl power and being strong! I wanted to follow the rules and make you chase me. It was a risk i wasn't willing to take. I called you. I talked to you. I became friends with you. But we were stuck in a time capsule..one that didn't shift. I still called..you still laugh..but u didn't call..You didn't talk to me..you listened..you answered whatever you were asked. My friends said..'maybe u don't give him time to call you'..i gave you time. nothing.

After a while, i stopped waiting for you to call. I called you..and i was happy when i made you laugh. I didn't analyse anything you said. What was the point..you were clearly not into me. Two months and not a single call. Not a single text. This is the point where everyone says I'm crazy. But no one said so. No one asked me to leave you alone.

To put it down is difficult. i don't know if what we have is 'a' history or 'my' history. Everything that has ever happened, i started. Our first conversation, our first dance, our first kiss. Our first kiss. If i allowed myself for a minute to believe that actions speak louder than words..i would believe that you felt for me almost what i felt for you. But its hard to pit action against no words.

Its hard. I don't know what to say to you. The words don't even come to me when i write. All of this shouldn't matter. you're leaving soon. But it does matter. Even if this is the last time i see you, i want you to know how i feel. I want to know that if we had time, you might have broken out of your defence and made 'us' happen.

This doesn't make total sense, but i don't know how else to say this to you. I don't know how else to explain that i have broken ALL of my defences and crossed ALL of my boundaries to get here with you. But somehow, it doesn't feel like a victory. it feels like a mistake.

The reason why private is the way to go...(catalogue of unpublished posts)

I am pissed!! friggin pissed!! bloody pissed!! angry!! i would like to say im pissed at the stupid boy called foil that got me into this state..but im more pissed at myself for letting him get me here! Infact there are so many posts ive started and not published because im too pissed to continue..so let this be like a catalogue of unpublished posts...

post 1
I am pissed. Friggin pissed. Bloody pissed. Why do you have to be the way you are?? I dont understand it. ive always been an advocate for accepting even things that you dont understand..but this is getting really ridiculous!!

Right now..i dont care whether you like me or not! it doesnt matter because you're leaving anyway! But..it o

post 2
I'm going private. It's not that thousands of people read my blog. Infact its just a minute number..but still..because im so honest here..i think going private is the only way ill fell comfortabe enough to continue blogging with the same degree of honesty.

It has been a long weekend. Or a long start to the beginning of the holiday. actually the 'holiday' doesnt technically begin till after results..but anyway..

I startd writing this intending to give a step by step analysis of everything that happened but it seems too exhausting.a LOT of stuff happened. i might as well.

Thursday
My friends birthday..

post 3
If im honest..i fell a little for the little boy. My 18 year old..that soon turns 19..how exciting for him. He's still too young..but i fell a little. He's sweet. The day i stayed in uni all night and was hungry..he sent me every number of every place that he could find that delivered. Even if i should know better, he was always the one pushing me and checking on me. But as sweet as he is..'cling' is not his middle name. he's totally independent. He doesnt call me all the time..

post 4
People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not

post 5
I understand people. At the risk of sounding cliche, i do. It's an exciting recent discovery. I see beneath the facade people paint..I think i spend too much time..studying and analyzing. my friend said i care about people too much..i guess that's just me.

I've also recently discovered my anger at 'the rules'...who invented the bloody rules?the rules that we are supposed to live by? the one that says 'hold back'..'dont show too much..but show enough'..'be mysterious'...'never make the first move'..'hold out till the third date'..etc..actually they sound more like relationship rules? but still..who made them..see tintins girl..she ticks all the right boxes..why?

It's just annoying that we always have to follow this unwritten pattern..half of the time i dont know what it is..everyone likes to believe that they make their own way..but when push comes to shove..we are all caught up in life's rules one way or the other.

post 6
It's been a weekend of learning new things. I spent my weeked crying. It was a combination of different thing. My exams which despite the incredible hard work i've put in havent been great. Rejection. When i got the 'i like you..but' speech. it didnt matter. i thought i didnt care. But it hurts really badly.

I'm a virgin. But only technically. It's not a banner i hod proudly over my head. The day i made the decision to chill..i didnt see myself messing around with anyone. I didnt see myself taking off my clothes. Now, somehow, i wish maybe i wasn't a virgin. Maybe that would help me to create some physical boudaries. The thing about me is..

And this lady and gentlemen is why i think im going private..so i can finish my posts..etc..and express my anger in faux-secrecy!

xx

Songs that make me laugh

1. alphabetic love-faze
This song is just too funny..'i..ur my iiiiiiiice.cream'..lol as in what??

2. Are you ready-Anusha
*whispers in pseudo sexy voice* are u ready for me..boy u know i want you

3. Chop your mouth-rooftop mcs
Just the name is funny..but seriously they r actually singing about chooping mouth..'if u dont know the lyrics and u want to sing along..then chop ur mouth'..lol..makes me remember people doing 'flex' and 'butterfly'..and chopping their mouth shamelessly

4. i told u so-frankee
LOL..this is too funny! someones boyfriend cheated on her and she went to her friend for support..etc..the whole song is the friend singing 'b4 i say anything..lemme just say..i told u so'...'next time ull know what friend to listen to'..as in are people really that insenstive in real life??

5.Maria Mena-cant remember what exact song it was
'im sorry about the time when i touched you inbetween ur legs and said it was small cos its not..i just didnt want u to realise how good you were'..lol

6. pizza pizza-brownberry
This song is just for jokes..so thats exactly what it gives me..singing about why the pizza shop opens so late..lol

7. silence-roof top mcs
Its not the words..its the voice the song was in..and the yoruba party vibe..'silence is the best aaansaa fora foool!'..lol

8. temptation-destinys child
'oops i forgot..i got a man'..lol..yaah

I cant think again..ill keep u posted!
xx

Satisfaction..

'love is a game..quit while ur ahead'

I dont have time to do this. I dont have time to revel in how happy i am..how satisfied..how much i've grown. I used to be the girl that made an effort with everyone..the person that treated everybody like they were number 1..im still the same person..but now i know that i can't always make the effort..everyone has a part to play. To start to write about everthing that just started to change when i became this person, is a post for another time. But right now..im revelling in my satisfaction..enjoying my happiness..because i know now that absence really does make the heart grow fonder!

I've Been Tagged:(

Oh Minky..whyyy???

The rules...

1. Link the person(s)who tagged you(err..i just realised i don't know how to link)

2. mention the rules in your blog

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

4. tag six following bloggers by linking them (i don't know how to link)

5. leave comments on each of the tagged blogs letting them know they've been tagged...

OK..unspectacular o..Minky prepare to be bored!!

1. I love to shop ALONE- i don't see shopping as a bonding experience, except I'm not buying anything or the person is paying. I'd rather shop alone..choose my own random stuff..take my time or rush depending on how i feel..hang around a shop for an hour and then NOT buy ANYTHING!! I love shopping alone!

2.I love the mirror- I'm not vain, although a lot of people will beg to differ..i just fond it weird that you can look in the mirror and cant tell whether you're good looking or not..if theres a mirror..I'm looking in it..PS-reflecting surfaces work just fine.

3. I read too much. Now im sure this applies to most people that blog, but I'm talking about reading everything on labels of cereal packets..and bottles..and signboards..other peoples lecture notes..etc

4. I'm very sweet (bordering on cheesy)- I'm that person that writes letters..(not all those razz love letters)..but letters that remind him of all the firsts..or send an email reminding him of how happy it makes me for him to start my day..i send thank you cards and notes..i remember the most inconsequential things about people..i make Cd's..omg! my apparent cheesiness disgusts me..PS-my sweetness spreads to girls too o!

5.I hardly get bored. The only time i get bored is in someone Else's space..such as waiting rooms..but in my own space..theres always something to do..think, read, write, draw, paint, listen to music..as in seriously..how are people always bored??

6. I love to chill in the dark. i love the dark. That's probably why my eyes are bad(even though i will NEVER wear glasses)..In a house alone..i would just lie in the dark..listen to music...just chill..my family hates it!!

OK..that's it. Erm..hasn't everybody been tagged?? that's it folks..wait charizard..have you been tagged..i tag u and buttercup..sorry i cant link u guys sha..but ill let u know on Ur blog..ha!

xx

sadness

I'm sad. But i dont know why. It's this emptiness in the pit of my stomach and i dont know what to do. It's not about a guy anymore. At least i dont think it is. i've accepted that you can't always have what you want. Who you want. It's ironic how you think you don't want someone until they are about to turn around and say goodbye. I'm sad. I don't know how to let go, release my inhibitions. I can't talk about it to anyone. They don't understand that just because i'm loud..and funny..doesn't mean i don't have thoughts that haunt me. I'm sad. And it heightens all my other sad emotions. It elevates every unreturned call to a reason to wallow for a little while.

I don't know why i dont know how to follow life's rules. I don't even know what they are half of the time. It's like everyone knows what to do..and say..and how to act..and im always one step behind. I don't know what to do. Everyone struggles to be different..but like i hear everyday..i AM different. But i'm not sure it's in that cute, quirky way that everyone wants to be different. It's in that way that makes people say 'you're weird'..over and over and over again..If i had a penny for everytime i've heard that... sometimes i just wonder what it would be like to be kind of like everyone else..Wonder what it would be like to say something and not have everyone go 'uhn?'...

I'm sad and i dont know what to do. I know the sadness will pass. But that doesnt mean i know what to do the next time it comes. How long can i keep getting engulfed by this wave without drowning? I want to understand where it comes from..i want to understand why i always pick people that come and heighten it..It's impossible to shut myself off from the world..it's temporary relief to write what i feel..i want something more permanent.

Today i read a book extract to her. My best friend. It was the letter that was about the resentment i felt for her when he chose her. I felt ashamed. I don't know how she felt. I wanted to apologize..but i can't apologize for how i felt..

I need God.

Goodbye Mr Fineboy!

i'm psychic..i was studying intensly..taking notes and all..next thing..(something) said..just check up on mr fine boys page..and lo and behold..new post!! but..what? i can actually see the end of the post..normally his posts are like 3 chapters long! ok..fair enough..the gist is short!! what?? *rubs eyes* he's what?? leaving?? what??

I've read many blogs!! (well what can u do when ur supposed to be working)..and a lot of them made me think 'this is funny'..even if my mouth didnt even twitch..fine boys blog is the ONLY blog that made me LOL..laugh out very loud! that kind of ugly laughter that makes chinese people sharply say 'ishpiwando'..i'm sorry..someone did this to me..im not evn trying to be racist!!..but seriously..*sigh*..this blog is not for laughs..its for exploration of emotions...i have a jokes blog!lol..(yes im jobless enuf to have two blogs)..but..what is blogsville going to be now!!

Infact..whats wrong with everyone?? Why is everyone up and leaving?? I'm actually sad (this isnt weird is it)..but its easy to actually feel close to someone because of the way they write..(dont judge me)...*sigh*..i wish i didnt read that post..then i can actually tell myself that he will be back to post! for now..i log off my computer(actually..the library computer..but that spoils the drama)..and just go and weep(for like 5 seconds..cos i have to read for exams)

Goodbye Mr Fineboy!!

xx

ps just remembered something..three new nija film quotes..

guy1-so..u want her watched?
guy2- ur guess is as good as mine..
wtf??

girl-'the brain is a sophisticated organ..most times it escapes the mind!'err...??

hotshot doctor- 'are u serious of what ur talking about??'

kai..nollywood is mezzed up!

Patience and Sensiblity

'by trying to be different..we are all the same'
Hehe..thats my wise quote for the day that i made up! Anyway..i've realised something very disturbing about myself. I'm addicted to kissing. Well maybe 'addicted' is a strong word. But im not sure what a more suitable word would be. It's not just the actual kissing. I love to talk about it..think about it. I'm worried. I've always know that i'm a bit weird..but this is just disturbing. Yesterday my friend asked 'have u ever turned a kiss down'..off course i have..lol..i'm not THAT bad. Hmm..but i had to think about it for sometime before names of the so-called 'rejected' started popping into my head. So really.what's the solution to this problem?

I think im finally becoming more..sensible? Maybe it's re-reading my posts and thinking..'ok..this is slightly pathetic'..but i'm not waiting for the phone to ring anymore..i'm waking up and thinking..'what time should i start studying today'..not..'i miss ______ boy'..so yay!!

And i keep making friends with guys that have girlfriends. ok..what is it with guys that have girlfriends and wanting to make friends with hot single girls ehn? im not talking about guys that mess around..guys that luff their babes madly! they now want to be all..'i feel like ur my best friend'..errr? lol!!

Some of my friends want to go and wash my head inside a river o..they think being single for so long isnt normal..but i know peopel that have been single for the 20 years of their life! yep..never been kissed..never had a boyfriend..etc. So which river is big enough to wash their own head? eh? I think things should just take their natural course. I don't want anyone to push me with their..'is it that you just dont meet guys'..'are u meeting the wrong guys'...'even so and so has someone on their case(which i think is very insultive btw)'..its this same friends that will berate u when you end up with someone totally unsuitable. So everyone..i might be a lot of things..but i'm not desperate! or searching for that matter. Things happen in their time..and i'm patient!

xx

It happened like this (1)

He opened the door. He looked dreamy in a plain white t and khaki shorts. It was all i could do not to jump on him. 'hey'..i said, my voice sounding quiet,even to me. i brought a present i said holding up the small hastily wrapped package to him. He smiled. I felt weaker. @thanks..you know you shouldn't have'. he stepped back and let me in. 'let me take your jacket'..he said, holding out his hand. i slipped it off..I suddenly felt quite naked in my tank top and shorts. The look that felt casual this morning suddenly felt like 'too much skin'. He opened the door to his room and waited for me to come in. My eyes flashed involuntarily to the bed and i looked way quickly, ashamed of my racy thoughts.

'So. Do you want to start cooking now, or do you want to chill for a bit?'..he said standing in front of me, his hands in his pockets.

'um..i guess we should start..i'm getting kind of hungry'..'for you'..i thought blushing and thanking God for dark skin.

'wait..let me see what you got me'..my heart leaped to my throat, and i cursed silently in my brain.

'oh'..he said, opening the small package. A CD. I wonder what's on it. I shuddered. the mix that seemed so thoughtful at the time i made it now seemed embarrasing and slightly cheesy. 'lets listen to it in the kitchen.'

'No O'..i heard myself saying. 'um'..'no'..i said more quietly. He laughed. 'Fine..let me feed you before you start making embarrasing hunger sounds..'

err..10 minutes

i only have ten things..so one thing per minute...

1. i am so loving keisha cole rite now!!

2. im starting to feel left out of the blog community..i didnt start this blog 2 make friends..but after a while..ur like ah ah!!

3. Its so friggin hot..i had 2 go and invest in some white tank tops..well..not invest sha..it was only pmark stuvs mehn..cant shout!

4. He CAAAALLED ME!! and then TEXTED ME!! in the same frigging day..AFTER we already talked!!! wooooooooh!!! so eggciting

5. I was randomly wondering what it would be like to make out with a girl the other day..i decided it'd be..squishy..neh..ive neva evn bin with a 'cuddly' guy

6. The stupid cheap bookstore had to go and close..who wants to buy books at real prices..shio!

7. um..exams ko easy o..maybe thats y ive bcome so boring..i mean look at this post!!

8. i dont know y pple r always wanting to do me o!! ah ah..im tired of being 'the one we want to shag'

9. y do pple say..'find a guy that calls u beautiful instead of hot!!..um..u berra find a guy that finds u attractive..enuf said!

10. nigerian film quote- 'maybe if u took more care with ur appearance..ull turn from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swine'

xx

Better Days

Sometimes i'm actually happy. And it seems like for a short window sometimes..there's actually no drama. Just pure bliss. Happiness..etc. Erm..those times however, havent been the last few weeks. In the last week, i've been kissed by my cousin, called confused by a little boy, been rejected by a boy, lied to by my father, by my friend, spilled out some really embarrasing things to people i shouldnt. This week has been a mess really!

But ah well..on a brighter note..wait..there is no brighter note!! lol..but im happy!!

Big Fat Red Letter Sign

Why do we ignore the truth when it's staring at us straight in the face. Why do i ignore the truth when it's staring me straight in the face? Sometimes something is so blatant..it's not even a hint anymore. It's a BIG FAT RED LETTER SIGN. I thought i was strong. Apparently not. I can't remember the girl that used to have resolve and stick to it. Now i can't even take hints and move on. I read too many books with happy endings. I guess in spite of my pessimistic outlook on life, i'm really an optimist at heart. And sometimes against all logic..i hope. Sometimes, beyond all logic..i hope. Theres a thin line between faith and stupidity and i think i crossed that line a long time ago.

It's weird. This time it's different.In the 2 years i've been single, i've never been so..relentless. I identify lost causes and move on. This time, i can't. Or maybe i don't want to. but why would i be setting myself up to get hurt?

It aches. but it's not a sharp pain. It's a dull ache. Like an old wound. I want to stop going back to him, but i keep going back. I'm hoping one day that he rejects me. Maybe then the BIG FAT RED SIGN will become clearer.

I need to respect myself. I need to leave him alone. This is what i tell myself at least once every hour. It doesn't work. I still give in to that urge to hear his voice. I actually said the words..'i like your voice'.

I don't actually know what to do. And he doesn't help. Actually he helps a bit, by putting a sign out there. But if you put a 'closed' sign outside your shop, why would you still let people come in?

I wish i could go back to the day when i discovered the shop...and drive past it.

Of heavy hearts

Why did i wake up naked next to an 18 year old boy? This is the question i was aking myself in the shower today. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm doing things i shouldn't do, and i can't talk to anyone about it. I didn't know he was 18. I only found out yesterday. And the said waking up naked happened two days ago. I feel like a peadophile. The amazing thing was yesterday he was apologizing for not calling me the day he left. He didn't want to be a 'stereotypical guy, not calling'..oh! sweet that he thought i'd be insecure and think he used me.

You know how we think blogsville is a place where we can say anything we want to say and people won't judge..Humans by their very nature are naturally judgemental. It's just the way humans experience jealousy. So..yeah..most peopel are anonymous. Does that mean that when you're reading about someone you don't know..a quick judgement doesn't pass through your mind??

Foil. It's difficult. It's difficult that i like him. It's difficult that sometimes i wake up and the feelings arent there..but i know that somewhere behind the 'not there'..the said feelings are waiting to pounce on me most unexpectedly. It was easy talking to him knowing (by assumption) that he had no feelings for me. Until my cousin got involved and dissected everything he has done since we met to say 'there is evidence on both sides..but the evidence to suggest that he likes you is more'..so yesterday, i dont't know why..why i said the stupid things i said..like

me- so are you just a polite person..like you always return calls..and text back and all..are u always like that..like isn't it hard..like me anmd my flatmate, we're both non confrontational people..and it gets hard because noone says what there really feeling..so sometimes it's up to me to guess and obviously whaen i dont guess..then she gets upset but doesnt say anything until we're talking about something totally unrelated and it comes up...

Foil-say what you want to say..stop going round incircles

Me-i don't know what i want to say..thats why im going round.
(at this point..what i really want to know is..do you always return my calls because you like me? if you stop does that mean you dont..or are u always going to be this polite person that doesnt give hints)

Foil-i try to be polite..but i think i strike a balance

Me-it must be hard being polite all the time..like it's just not natural (WTF??!)
(at this point he's getting noticeably irritated)

Me-so its just weird how you don't ask things..like when i asked you for your number again and you didnt ask why (this was when i deleted his number for a week and asked for it again)

Foil-why would i ask..i lose numbers..i lost a's number..i didnt have b's number.so why would i want to knpw why if you're asking for my number

Me-it's just like..shouldn't you be curious?

Foil-there are things to be curious about..not why you're asking for my number

Me-*insert stupid statement like 'i guess*

There were a few more stupid things before i just had to run off the phone. I sent him a text saying 'i'm sorry..that sometimes i can't articulate what i want to say..and it ends up long winded or annoying..and that i assume things about you'..I truly expected him to say something like 'it's fine'..or 'why are u apologizing'..but he said...nothing. He didn't reply. So i guess he DOES know how to strike a balance. I woke up in the middle of the night, and i couldn't sleep with the lights off..because i was dreaming about him..because i just got this scared feeling..Even if we don't ened up together (and i don't think we should..given his religion and the fact that i'll feel insecure with him)..i want him in my life. As a friend..as an acquaintance..as anything. It's ironic..because the other day i was talking to him about what someone should do if they upset him..i guess that was my preparation for yesterday..so i'll just leave him alone for a while.

I'm tired of being this insecure person. If insecurity could be cured by people telling you you're beautiful..etc..then i'd be so cured by now..but it isn't. And it upsets me that when i meet people i don't believe that the only thing they can be seeing is me..beautiful me. I'm always thinking..yeah..they probably won't remember me..all sorts of stupid things. I just want to be happy in my own skin. But i don't know how. I don't want to judge myself the way other people see me, and i don't want my connotation of how people see me to be negative.I just dont know how.

A lot of days..i feel so far away from God. I don't know how to get back to him. It should be easy right? I should just get down on my knees..and open my heart..but how? the prayers of the unrighteous are an abomination unto God..and how can i know im truly repenting..how do i know that at the back of my mind..im not thinking that im just going to do it again??

My heart is heavy..but i'll just wait for the heaviness to pass. I miss Foil already.

Honour..

'honour your mother and father that your days might be long'..thats what came to my heart this morning when i was abusing my father in my mind. Now this is the point where i list all the incredibly horrifying things this man has done..but that would negate the honour bit..thats what i need to try to do..honour him.

Losing Control

I'm addicted. To Foil. To his voice. I love the stuff he says. I love the way he laughs. Gosh..im not in love..but i'm in something!! I'm still in control..kind of. Control of my emotions. But i'm scared that very soon..i'll lose that. What am i going to do when i lose control?

Maybe i've already lost control. He's the last thing i think of at night. The first thing i think of in the morning. I'm a joke. And it's funny cos now i'm meeting a lot of people. People i find interesting. people that find me interesting. But everytime my phone rings..im dissapointed if it isn't him. I'm on a slippery slope to somewhere emotional crisis begins. But i don't care. Actually..i care..i just don't know how to stop.

I've tried to cut him out of my life. But maybe i didn't really want him out. This is not healthy for me at all. He doesn't make me lose my appetite. yet. But he's pretty darn close. I'm actually crazy. There's no other explanation. But in the midst of my craziness..i cannot hope that maybe he might be interested. I dare not hope. And usually, im the asking type. I dare not ask. I really do not want to know. I'm acting on the premise that he doesn't. Because if i allow myself, even for a second..to think that he does..i will definitely go mad.

xx

Follow your heart?

Does the spirit inhabit the heart?? Like..you know the saying 'follow your heart'..well..can't your heart be wrong? A lot of people end up with the wrong person because they followed their heart..Sometime this year, i wrote down a list of things i should run away from (in a guy)..and i put religion..but now when it's staring me in the face..i want to follow my heart..i dont want to follow the piece of paper whose words came from my mind..if im inhabited by the spirit..why does my heart lead me astray?

Does the spirit inhabit ur heart?

im wondering..

I've often wondered. (actually i only wondered this yesterday)..but why is it that saying 'i love you is a huge deal..(as in..'y wont u say i love u..)..but then when people break up they say 'i love you, but i'm not in love with you'..so from the beginning why don't they just say 'i'm in love with you'???

I'm so happy!!!

xx

If i die today..

If i died today..what would tomorrow say??

Was i beautiful? Not on the outside..but on the inside, clear for everyone to see??

Did i touch a life? with a smile, a hug, a word??

Did i smile enough and cry as hard as i should have so that the pain would go away??

Did i voice enough how important you, and you and you are to me??

Did i do what was right when what was wrong was staring at me like a hungry beggar begging for a coin??

Did i thank God enough, for light, for sight, for air, for hair...??

Did i forgive, be the bigger person when it would have been easier, more satisfactory to be small??

Did i say how i felt, instead of hiding behind anger and fear??

Did i love with all my heart, sing like no one was listening, dance like no one was watching??

Did i say thank you? Did i judge, sometimes on no basis??

Did i revel in self pity and wasted tears when i should have lived the next moment??

Did i dwell on unimportant things and think too much..'what did he really mean'..'does she hate me'??

Sometimes it takes the fear of death to realise that living life is not about wasting time..it's about living each moment like it's the last chance to make a difference.

But really..what does telling someone 'i love you' have to do with dying tomorrow?? If you know clearly they don't love you back..what good can it really do?lol

xx

My right to hurt

Today i was wondering. Why arent people allowed to be sad for whatever reason they want? E.g, someone's cat dies..she's crying..then her friend walks in..'what are you crying about?..my mother left me when i was two..then i got raped by my father when i was 7..my brother died when i was 13..so why are you crying?'..That's a far fetched example..but i hope you get my drift. Everybody should be entitled to their own personal right to grieve. I understand that someone's issues might seem trivial compared to another's but that does not necessarily mean they hurt any less. As human beings, we can't always understand EXACTLY what another is feeling. However, instead of always trying to understand, we can learn to accept sometimes.

I hurt because my family has caused me a lot of pain, but sometimes i also hurt for simple things. Like when he won't answer my call. Or because my friend doesn't listen.

I deleted his number. i know im acting like a 6 year old..but if it makes me feel better, i don't care.

xx

Almost doesn't count

This weekend has been eventful. Firstly i was talking to Foil and somehow i told how he unnerves me. Argh..he did that low voice thing and asked me 'why'..Then went on to give me psycoanalytical stuff about how its in my head.Honestly..it IS in my head..he probably just acts normally..but i take every pause..every giggle..like its personally aimed at my own discomfort. It's gotten to me losing my appetite! It's crazy..Rollercoaster of emotions..it's quite annoying!!

Today i saw one of my heartbreak guys from last year-boy. The only thing seeing him made me remember was how it feels to be used. Thats what he did. Used me. But like my friend pointed out..I used him too. It's not like i particularly wanted a relationship with him..but what did i use him for? That's what i don't get

What's going to happen with Foil. I really don't know. What do i want to happen? I really don't know.

Oh and yesterday..someone came up to me in the grocery store and said..'you're really beautiful'..it made me day for all of 30 minutes..the i started to wonder..did someone put him up to it..does he say that to everybody?

oh..and yesterday as well..i went to see a friend. Well we've been friends for about a year..but we've actually only met in person once. So i went to see him. He cooked me lunch and we watched a dvd. There was a lot of 'physical tension'..I don't understand it. It's funny 'cos just that morning i was wondering what it was like to feel that magnetic need to kiss someone. You know those 'movie type' kisses where two of you just feel something..yadiyadiya..(cos usually i just kiss someone cos we want to..theres nothing magnetic)...now i know what it feels like and im happy i didnt act on any impulse..There's nothing like harsh-cold daylight to make you wonder..'why the hell did i do that?'

xx

Fitting In

Sadness threatens to engulf me. An era of not fitting in has still not passed. I'm flitting from group to group..trying to fit in somewhere. Trying not to be the last person included in something. Self pity is disgusting. But what i feel is not self pity. It's frustration at always being the joker..the unserious one..the one with laughs..when truly..i jus want people to take me seriously. I'm not saying i don't have friends. I do. I'm not saying i don't have close friends. I do. I'm saying i'm never really part of a group dynamic. Like i have individual relationships with people that are great..etc. But as a group..i dont just seem to work. That is frustrating.

The other day i mentioned something about someone not leaving his girlfriend..even though he could have..etc..how daft was that. The point is that he's cheating!! It doesn't matter that he doesn't leave her. He's cheating!! Not once..or twice..He's cheating..Need i say more?

xx

Do not judge..lest you be judged

I've been thinking..what right do i have to judge other people when i do the same things?? Like the bible says 'remove the log in your eye before you remove the speck in your neighbour's eye'..berating my best friend and calling her selfish..complaining that she doesn't see me the way i am..when actually i do the exact same thing. There are definitely people i think i'm better than..smarter..better looking..better body..but what is that if not shallow and self-obsessed?? Maybe it's my human nature..or maybe it's just me..not realising that i make the same stupid mistakes that i berate people about..*shakes head*

My moments of reflections also made me realise something else. When i really like someone for reasons that are not shallow..i want to be friends with them. Good friends..but friends nonetheless..because really..if the relationship doesnt work out..then they are going to be either out of my life or we'll be friends..but really...


So Foil-since religion is an issue..and theres no long term prospect for us anyway..then i suppose we'll just be friends. At least i hope we'll be friends. I don't want him to be my friend..i want to be his. lol. Isn't it funny how girls determine the future of a relationship before it happens? Like..this is me..saying these are the reasons why it won't work out..Why we should just be friends.. But maybe in his head he had crossed out the possibilty of anything happening anyway..lol..I'm thinking like if i decided we could work out..i'll just snap my fingers..yeah right.


He comes across as a serial dater anyway. I dont know if thats the correct term. But it seems like he's never single for long and his relationships never last that long. So maybe i dont want to be in a line of exes anyway.


All i know is that the boy should just stay out of my dreams because he's haunting my sleep.

xx

Argh..The Crush of a Crush

The other day..my friend saw me blogging and she said 'that's just very sad.'...Ah well..i say don't judge! Anyways..yesterday i was at home all day thinking stupid things. its not even what i was thinking..its the fact that i was thinking so much..

So much for seeing how things go..The thing about phone conversations that last long is that sometimes it makes you feel naked. Like you said something you shouldn't have said. And he tells you things that you can use to torment yourself later when you go over the conversation in your head-OVER AND OVER! Like his type. I'm so not his type..it's unbelievable. Obviously, everyone has a type that they dont necessarily stick to..but i still wonder..did he tell me what his type was just so i know im not her???

Argh...i won't lie..i'm waiting for my phone to ring. For him to call. Just reassurance that maybe he likes talking to me too. I feel like i'm 12 years old. This up and down confused feeling. Do i need it?? NOOOOOOOOOO.

Stupid boy..pick up your phone and put me out of near misery!!

xx

Did You Know??

Did you know?

-you can get STD's from oral sex?

-you can get pregnant without having sex?


This is not a research project..so i'll rather not go into how's and whatever. Nobody i've ever told in real life has ever believed me. But ah well..'all i can do is all i can do but all i can do is enough'. Someone told me 'you have to choose which is more important to you..what people will think you did..and what you actually did'...It's true. The other night..some of my friends were speculating about if some girl had sex with a guy she invited to her room (after the club)...being the hopeless optimist that i can be..i told them to stop being cynical..what if nothing happened? Anyway..thats not my point..My point is that..sometimes you can't explain to every single person what you did..and why you did it...so it might be better not to put yourself in that situation in the first place.


Speaking of situations..i think i'm getting myself in one. Yesterday i talked to Foil. Ok..first of all..i texted him(like i said i would)...and then he kept texting back with questions..what better excuse to call?? So i called.. we talked for slightly over an hour. He made me laugh..i made him laugh(slightly disturbingly much)...I stuck to the rules and ended the convo (it was getting to a point where he was laughing too much)...


So worryingly..i might just be liking him...i can't remember the last time i talked on the phone for so long (to a guy)..actually.. i can..but it was a looomg time ago (like last year)..lol! Now im thinking..


1. Should i risk liking him and having him not like me
2. Maybe we'll just end up being really good friends
3. We do the same course.so he's really useful(that sounds slightly wrong)
4. Maybe i should just stop thinking too much.


So that's what i'll do. Stop thinking too much.Stop anticipating what he might and might not feel. I'll just talk to him..and deal with whatever happens.


My relationship with God is on the forefront of my mind a lot these days. Sometimes im tempted to just be someone else. Someone that has no respect for God. Someone morally degenerate. Because i don't want to be lukewarm. The thing is normally..i'm a very (for want of a better word)..moral. There are a lot of things i don't do anyway. But there's just this fear of letting God have total pre-eminent control over my life. It's like having freedom..you don't necessarily use it..but when you're suddenly restricted..you suddenly want to do all the things you cannot do. But recently though..there have been slight changes in me..i'm more forgiving..You know when someone is wrong..but you take the first step to make things up..that is painful stuff..being the bigger person..etc.yah. And i realise that just because it's gospel music doesnt mean i have to like it! Like before..my ipod is on shuffle. A gospel track comes on. I hate it. But i don't change it..because i thought that listening to it was somehow bringing me closer to God. How wrong??

I think i have an idea what i'm supposed to do with my life. It definitely has something to do with speaking. I realised quite recentl..that when i talk..people listen. Even when they don't like what i'm saying. My friend told me that i'm very inflluential. So even if i can sing..that's probably not what i'm going to use. It's propbably going to be in writing or in speaking.

Apparently..the guy i had something with last year..the one that has a girlfriend..she's not good looking(i say this with no malice)..and she's kind of chubby. Which just goes to show that even if there are better looking people in the world..if someone wants to be with you they will. And even though i've gone through the harrowing experience of being the better looking BUT rejected one..it's good to know that if someone wants to be with me..it doesn't matter how good looking any other babe is..he'll be with me.

xx

Lust

Lust. I've always denied it's existence (in my life)...When people ask me..'oh..ur still a virgin?..wat do u do when u feel like having sex'...I'm always like..'how can i feel like having sex..when i've never had sex..i can be curious..but i can't actually FEEL like having sex!! I know..the argument sounds so stupid. I don't actually expect people to buy the argument. But anyway...



Today! i saw one of my heartbreak guys from last year. I'm over him now and were friends..(since he said he likes me as a friend.lol)..but hmm..i felt a strong wave of what can only be described as lust. Everytime i hugged him..or sat next to him..or put my head next to him..or lay beside him with his shirt off (he was hot..nothing happened)...I just felt like woah! hotness!



So two guys today. Totally different guys mentioned me looking better..'finer'..hmm..i wonder what it is..the weightloss? but its not drastic to be fair..my clothes still fit more or less the same..it's just obvious in like my face..my arms..my collarbone..etc....



And..i met another guy today. Ola. He's reaaaaaaaly dark..but he's cool to hang out with. I see us becoming friends. So this guy that i met last weekend..let me call him foil. its funny..im thinking constantly of talking to him. In the shower..i have these conversations with him in my head(so technically..im having conversations with myself)...im definitely going crazy!!



Foil. hmmm. I guess if i want to talk to him..i should just call him right? But i'm counting down the days to whn it'll be ok to call him..like shuld i call five days after the first call..(im DEFINITELY crazy!!Maybe i'll send him a text. Maybe tomorrow.

xx

What they Say

Insecurities plague me. I think too much. Today i woke up after a dream of 'guy i just met'..it's fascinating how my feelings go up and down like a yoyo. It feels like my mind controls what i feel. I don't think it's supposed to be like that.

Closure. They say it's so important to move on. However, they also say that it can take roughly twice the time of your relationship to get over it. That is so not true. It took me 1 year and 9 months to get over my ex. Our relationship did not last for up 2 six months. How is that possible? Funny enough..if i could go back in time..i wouldn't go back to when we were happy..because that will just plunge me back into sadness. Sadness so deep that sometimes i couldnt even cry anymore. I couldnt listen to music. All i could do was sit and stare and wait for the feeling to pass. If i could go back in time..i'll go back to after the break up..and ill break up. Meaning..ill leave him alone. A lot of times, i break into a cold sweat just thinking about all those months when i jus would not leave him alone. I remember when i used to call him every other day. He never called me. Then after two weeks..i'm like..'it's been two weeks and you havent called me once'..he's like 'i have nothing to talk to you about'..ok this is me not getting him. i'm like..but i've been calling you and we've been talking..he's like..'no..u've been talking'...ouch!!! Wouldnt it have been better if he just ignored my calls??

This is me almost two years later..my insecurity is potent.My self confidence has been whittled down. I get a high from careless compliments..'u look nice'...'that's a nice dress'...'ur make up looks nice'...'ur actually quite pretty'...how sad is that. The funny thing is when i loook into the mirror, i see a pretty girl. But in the same brainwave..i think this is what i see..but not what everyone else sees.

You wouldnt know it to look at me. I'm talkative..loud even..always laughing..comfortable without make up. Sometimes i dress up and sometimes i don't. I really want my self confidence inside to match up to the person i am on the outside. They say identifying the problem is halfway to the solution. But here i am at the problem..and no closer to the solution.

xx

I'm Only Human

Scenario-girl on a diet..second day..buying ben and jerry's buy one get one free..then eating it ALL IN ONE NIGHT..excuse-im only human..im sorry, but no..ur only greedy!

'i'm only human is this excuse that we use, so we can remain inadequate..so we excuse not living up to our full potential..I use it a lot..but i realise it's because i'm too lazy to do better..or i just don't believe in myself. It's too early in the morning to preach to myself..so i'll jus leave it at that now.

Ok yesterday i did two things...I called guy i met at the weekend..and i swapped numbers with guy in church. After i talked to guy i met at the weekend, i realised that..I don't like these guys..but i want them to like me. I don't understand why. Maybe i just need reassurance. People can still like me right?

My friend yesterday was like..'u'll like him until u find a reson to be bored'..i come across as fickle..but i'm actually not..i just force myself to like people..y? cos im bored? sad? I think sad is more like it! Until i accept that emotions are not my whole being..i might never be satisfied. And i'll probably keep doing stupid things. Last year..like 3 guys made me cry. Actually..exactly three guys made me cry. In actual fact, i ended things with three of them. But, i didnt want them to give up so easily. I wanted them to come with me on my emotional rollercoaster, and be there on a whim. Unfortunately, none of them were willing. So, as usual, i ended up looking stupid. Gosh, when i think of the truly desperate things i said and did..i cringe..did i really say to a guy 'i want you to kiss me'..after i found out he had a girlfriend??...did i really tell a guy 'i miss u..i just want to talk to you..not about us..about anything'..Did i really tell a guy 'i'm sorry' after I decided the 'friends without benefits wasn't what i wanted. Why was i saying sorry after he offered me a relationship i wasn't interested in anymore..i told him..'it's like offering a child something that went out of fashion 5 years ago'..When he realised i was being serious..off course he didnt want to be friends..he walked me to the train station (silently, i might add)..and he walked away. That was it. Why did i call him afterwards?? Why did i text 'i'm sorry'...it took him ignoring my calls to realise i was behaving like a fool.

'I want you to kiss me'...Gosh..i feel so stupid! I thought he was feeling what i thought i was feeling (after two weeks)..lol..then i found out rudely..that he had a girlfriend..he didnt deny it..he gave me the 'it's complicated' line... I still had him over for the weekend..but afterwards..that was it..i told him i wasn't interested in being 'the other'...until i started talking to him again..and the fact that he had a girlfriend faded away...but he wasn't interested anymore..then i saw him again and thats when i said the cringeworthy line 'i want you to kiss me'..sometime after that he actually told me 'i like you..but as a friend'..that's when i cried.

I remember when i was telling the 'i miss you' guy that i didn't want us anymore. We had been on and off for a while and it was driving me insane...I sent him a text..I thought he'd want to talk about it..he didn't. He didn't talk to me for a full week..then he called..just to say hey..i guess to show me that he was still talking to me..but he accepted that there was no us anymore..During that first week..when he didnt talk to me..that's when i cried..i probably didnt eat for like a day or two..He was the one i really liked.

But..none of these guys were my boyfriend..so when i say ex..i don't mean any of them.

I've made a lot of mistakes..but hey..i'm only human.

xx

Bloody Rules

Leaving my ex alone is so much easier than i thought. I had my hand programmed to his page before..it was automatic..check my msgs..then check his page..new status? new wall posts? new tagged photos?...now i don't evne remember his page until im logged out. Off course, there are some days when i slip..but hey..im human!! but i can finally say that..1 year and 9 mnths (gosh it sounds so sad)..i realise that he's gone!! HE WILL NEVER FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE!! lol...i don't know if its wise..ive just replaced one stalking for another..so this guy i met this wknd..its weird..at certain times of the day..i really don't like him...at some times..i'm thinking..just call..(i have his number but he doesnt have mine)...but after reading that bloody book called 'the rules' or something..i have to weigh every action now. Maybe before...i wouyld have called..it's not like im on some mad rampage to find a boyfriend..i just want to expand my circle of friends..but noooooo...bcos the stupid book is stuck in my subconscious..I dont want to do anything like call!!

It's annoying when you write stuff..and you don't want to put any kind of detail because you never know who might stumble on your page. Thw whole point is anonymity right? It makes writing stuff hard..if there's a need to refer to something that happened..but hey!

Anyways..this guy at church..he's really cool..but i'm not the only person that thinks so..Millions of other girls turn to dust when they talk to him..so..automatically..i dont really talk to him! i dont think he's particularly good looking..but i love the way he dresses and speaks..theres nothing better than someone who makes sense.

I used to be so friendly..but its like the older i get..the more the fear of being portrayed as (God forbid) desperate! it's fascinating how as human beings, we constantly need validation from people to see us the way we see ourselves. The way we hope other people see us. No matter how people say 'i'm dressing up for myself'..yeah right..if you go back home at the end of the day and no single person has said 'you look nice'.. there's that little sinking feeling that makes you want to try harder or give up all together..

Today..i'm going to either
(1) make a new friend
(2) call someone ive never called

Life is too short to live by rules. However, its not long enough to live by principles.

xx

Its not them..its me!

It's hard to like a person. I mean fall for a person. This weekend i met this guy. I think he's so cool. He dresses really nicely and he treats his friends really well. He's kinda cute..basically..he ticked a lot of boxes. By the end of the weekend i was so sure that i felt something. But come monday..cold. I don't like him:(...It;s sad really..Having crushes is nice. I havn't had one for a while. I force myself to like people that i really have no real feelings for. So what is it that my heart wants? hmm...maybe i'm the kind of person that takes ages to fall for someone. I'm on this self discovery process that's fascinating. Sometimes i feel like i don't know myself at all!!

For the first time in a long time, i'm comfortable. With who i am..how i am..the things i don't like, i'm taking active steps to rectify..instead of sitting around and moaning. My grades are up..my body is falling into some kind of shape..things are looking up!! This weekend..my friends were telling me how attractive i am!! lol..they always sound so surprised when they say 'ur looking finer'..like..hmm..how did that happen??

hehe.

xx

Boy Blues

I've always thought i was quite attractive. Infact, people constantly comment on the said fact. However, all that attractiveness, charming personality and etc..seems to be lost on all creatures of the opposite sex. Recently, ive started to think that not getting married is not the worst thing in the world(although im not looking at marriage for a couple of years yet). Everytime i meet someone that i think...'hmm'..its as if a force goes into overdrive to make sure that there is NO possiblity that we would even be friends. This is not to say that noone is ever 'intrigued' by me. its just that its not mutual. I dont know. Maybe im shallow. Maybe its karma. And maybe one day i'll be willing to settle. But right now, its baffling. What went wrong?

Finally! i've decided to leave my ex alone. Maybe i finally realise that ex means he doesnt want to be your friend. Ex also means you wont get back together. Ex means he doesnt still like you. Ex means he's over you. I saw a theory somewhere 'if you keep going back to your ex, it means you have nothing to look forward to'..or some wise philosophy like that. Maybe its true. After him, i havent been in a proper relationship..but i havnt been all single either. But when any of them does something that makes me sigh..i automatically think of him. Wel, maybe a first step would be to STOP looking at his page on facebook. Facebook was created for people like me to stalk! Andi finally realise that YES..IT IS STALKING..if you go on someone's page and read their wall to wall with someone you don't know. It is stalking..if you add someone that you havnt met to check whats happening between them(she was the ex he was with for longer than me..and we had like 40 mutual friends)..ok no excuse!

Finally, i don't actually understand why some people see me the way they do. I think sometimes i give off a slightly 'slutty' impression..which couldnt be farther from the truth. I don't understand how i give off this impression. It's just evident in the things that people sometimes say to me. It is a ver worrying impression. I'm trying my hardest to be 'the Jesus people see'..but evidently..im not trying hard enough..if what people see is the adultress that Jesus saved from stoning.

xx

Best Friend Blues

Im tired. Of feeling surbodinate. Of my low self esteem. Of lack of belief in myself. Lack of faith in other people. Maybe i overanalyze things. Maybe thats just me. But it hurts when my best friend looks down on me. She thinks i cant see it. Its probably a subconscious thing. She thinks she's better than me academically..she thinks she has better fashion sense..thinks she looks better..has a better body. At one time, i used to try. I used to want her to see me in a different way. I was screaming 'see me..im good in uni too...look at my outfit..isnt it great.' But i realsie now, that maybe its just best to see me how i see me and let her see me how she wants to. My life shouldn't be about how she wants me to be.

To be honest, im re-evaluating the friendship. I used to be fine when she was selfish. I accepted that thats just the way she is. But when i just keep giving..its hard not to feel used. Simple things..like going out of her way to hang out. I go out of my way. I've been going out of my way since we met. I used to think..'well, its not like she's not selfidh to everyone'...until she got a boyfriend and took on a new role of selfless girlfriend. I don't expect relationships between boyfriend and girlfriend to be the same. But it just goes to show..if a human being cares enough about another human being..they would break out of their comfort zone.

It's the way she puts me down. Doesn't listen. I say something..she goes 'hmm..u ma'...but i dispute something she says and she thinks im exaggerating. It's the way her tiny issues are so blown up...but issues that are so important to me become so trivial.

Sometimes..i think maybe it's not worth it. Maybe she doesnt need me to see her all the time. It wouldnt matter so much if i listened or not. Maybe instead of trying to be there for someone all the time..i should be there for me.

Maybe its my fault..and I let her take me for granted. It's funny how she won't tale sides in an argument with me and someone that isnt even close to her. But she wants me to see her side in an argument.

There's so much she doesnt know about me. So much i've tried to say..but she wont let me. She doesnt hear me. But it doesnt matter anymore..because now i realise that i am me..its ok..if i accept me for me..no one else has to. Because i am me..i can place people in my life where i think they should be.

the joke of New Year!

Lol..after all the new year anticipation and forcing all my friends to make resolutions..guess what i was doing on new years eve?? sleeping!! LOL..i jus couldn't stay awake..the day passed like any other (ok i dont know wat else i expected)..but anywayz..the new year is ok..not 2 bad..im going to see the ex!! LOL..y? i really dont know!