What they Say

Insecurities plague me. I think too much. Today i woke up after a dream of 'guy i just met'..it's fascinating how my feelings go up and down like a yoyo. It feels like my mind controls what i feel. I don't think it's supposed to be like that.

Closure. They say it's so important to move on. However, they also say that it can take roughly twice the time of your relationship to get over it. That is so not true. It took me 1 year and 9 months to get over my ex. Our relationship did not last for up 2 six months. How is that possible? Funny enough..if i could go back in time..i wouldn't go back to when we were happy..because that will just plunge me back into sadness. Sadness so deep that sometimes i couldnt even cry anymore. I couldnt listen to music. All i could do was sit and stare and wait for the feeling to pass. If i could go back in time..i'll go back to after the break up..and ill break up. Meaning..ill leave him alone. A lot of times, i break into a cold sweat just thinking about all those months when i jus would not leave him alone. I remember when i used to call him every other day. He never called me. Then after two weeks..i'm like..'it's been two weeks and you havent called me once'..he's like 'i have nothing to talk to you about'..ok this is me not getting him. i'm like..but i've been calling you and we've been talking..he's like..'no..u've been talking'...ouch!!! Wouldnt it have been better if he just ignored my calls??

This is me almost two years later..my insecurity is potent.My self confidence has been whittled down. I get a high from careless compliments..'u look nice'...'that's a nice dress'...'ur make up looks nice'...'ur actually quite pretty'...how sad is that. The funny thing is when i loook into the mirror, i see a pretty girl. But in the same brainwave..i think this is what i see..but not what everyone else sees.

You wouldnt know it to look at me. I'm talkative..loud even..always laughing..comfortable without make up. Sometimes i dress up and sometimes i don't. I really want my self confidence inside to match up to the person i am on the outside. They say identifying the problem is halfway to the solution. But here i am at the problem..and no closer to the solution.

xx