I finally figured what it is about someone leaving you that hurts so much. it’s the fact that one day they loved you, they felt something for you and almost as suddenly as they felt it, it disappeared. So you lie awake thinking of that time they held you till you fell asleep, or whispered to you about their childhood while watching the sunrise, the time they brushed the hair out of your eyes and when they held you so tight, you thought tou would never breathe again. You think of the kisses that went on forever and the hugs that were a little too long…and you wonder how they just stopped feeling anything. What happened? How did they go from missing you to not thinking about you? How did you go from talking everyday to not having anything to say? How is it that now you’re hardly even friends, how is it that they’ve shut you out of their life without you even knowing?
That-more than anything is what hurts the most.
Sometimes I feel like I want to be on the outside looking at myself. I want to see how I laugh-how I look when im listening..I want to look at myself the way other people see me. I find it hard to understand how you can be whoever you want to be to yourself but you will always be who people want you to be to them. Whats the point?? Why do we lie to ourselves?? We are who people want us to be. Why do we have to fight to be who we say we are??
Weddings make me sad. Its looking at that love-the kind that is so overwhelming that people decided that they want it to last forever. Now im not in any way disillusioned. I know that some marriages fall apart. They hardly last forever. What matters is that at that moment when they say their vows and the other moments when they swap rings and walk down the aisles, give speeches and dance with their friends-they truly feel as if they are going to feel that way forever. I think how magical it must be to feel that strongly for someone-its more amazing for someone to feel like that about you. I want someone to feel lucky that they are with me- I want them to feel like ‘this girl is bloody amazing, how come she wants to be with me-im so fortunate’. I don’t have that and that’s what makes me sad.