11.9.08

Random Midnight Ramblings

I finally figured what it is about someone leaving you that hurts so much. it’s the fact that one day they loved you, they felt something for you and almost as suddenly as they felt it, it disappeared. So you lie awake thinking of that time they held you till you fell asleep, or whispered to you about their childhood while watching the sunrise, the time they brushed the hair out of your eyes and when they held you so tight, you thought tou would never breathe again. You think of the kisses that went on forever and the hugs that were a little too long…and you wonder how they just stopped feeling anything. What happened? How did they go from missing you to not thinking about you? How did you go from talking everyday to not having anything to say? How is it that now you’re hardly even friends, how is it that they’ve shut you out of their life without you even knowing?

That-more than anything is what hurts the most.


Sometimes I feel like I want to be on the outside looking at myself. I want to see how I laugh-how I look when im listening..I want to look at myself the way other people see me. I find it hard to understand how you can be whoever you want to be to yourself but you will always be who people want you to be to them. Whats the point?? Why do we lie to ourselves?? We are who people want us to be. Why do we have to fight to be who we say we are??

Weddings make me sad. Its looking at that love-the kind that is so overwhelming that people decided that they want it to last forever. Now im not in any way disillusioned. I know that some marriages fall apart. They hardly last forever. What matters is that at that moment when they say their vows and the other moments when they swap rings and walk down the aisles, give speeches and dance with their friends-they truly feel as if they are going to feel that way forever. I think how magical it must be to feel that strongly for someone-its more amazing for someone to feel like that about you. I want someone to feel lucky that they are with me- I want them to feel like ‘this girl is bloody amazing, how come she wants to be with me-im so fortunate’. I don’t have that and that’s what makes me sad.

10 comments:

M said...

You are very right.Its unbelievable the extent to which we lose track of who we truly are because we are trying to please others.You dont have to be liked by everyone. Life is too short to worry about what others think. Being who want to be is the only way one can be truly happy & free from the constraints others put on us.

Naija Idol said...

I also wonder how anyone can claim to love someone and immediately dat person turns down their advances, they result in cursing out dat person.

miz-cynic said...

im in the same boat as u so i could prolly go on and on....love is magical.....but u know what they say about magic...it doesnt last forever...im sounding like my cynical self cos i cant help it.so marry im sure u will....at least marry someone tht u feel all those things for at least initially so u will be able to say....i too have felt....i too have loved.

Red Sapphire said...

sniff!sniff!!!..sniff!!!!...sn...boohoooohooo..Why are u talking bout me...i was checking out banke meshida on facebook this morning..no work shey...and i was moved very very close to tears...
Kai...i dey go make me hair out of depression...depression spending...
True talk sha....

Red Sapphire said...

By the way i love ur blog..wont stop visiting

Buttercup said...

i know what u mean...where does it all go wrong??? WHY does it all go wrong???

dont worry, ur time will come when u'll experience the wonderful emotions a weddin brings!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Love is feeling and it can leave just as quickly as it comes, and as long as emotions remain and humans are fickle, that will never change.

I too, have wondered the same things you wonder...how do you go from having everything to say to ackward silences? from kisses and hugs to stone silence....

But everything in life is a season. Theres a season for some things to be born, and others to die. So keep your head up chica-after winter, spring must come. You might not have all you want relationship wise just yet-but this is preparing you to be more appreciative for the good thing when it comes along.

Smile:-)
Muah...xxx

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

"this girl is bloody amazing, how come she wants to be with me-im so fortunate’. I don’t have that and that’s what makes me sad."

you are bloody amazing, it will just take a special man to realise that. I know its a cliche but it takes a master jeweller to know the true value of a raw diamond well before it is cut. So the fact that he or who ever else before him did not fully appreciate your true value is a weakness on his character and not your own.

doll said...

you will find that man that will think you are all that and some more, just be patient ok?

Afunto baby! said...

Im soo intune with this particular post as in girl...::shakes head:: im feelin u mehn.. as in forreeals.. i ave been in this sort of situation where ur friends wit someone den of a sudden d friendship isnt quite d same again.. and u got me thinking seriously. now u got me wantin to see myself from outside aswell..lol.