If i die today..

If i died today..what would tomorrow say??

Was i beautiful? Not on the outside..but on the inside, clear for everyone to see??

Did i touch a life? with a smile, a hug, a word??

Did i smile enough and cry as hard as i should have so that the pain would go away??

Did i voice enough how important you, and you and you are to me??

Did i do what was right when what was wrong was staring at me like a hungry beggar begging for a coin??

Did i thank God enough, for light, for sight, for air, for hair...??

Did i forgive, be the bigger person when it would have been easier, more satisfactory to be small??

Did i say how i felt, instead of hiding behind anger and fear??

Did i love with all my heart, sing like no one was listening, dance like no one was watching??

Did i say thank you? Did i judge, sometimes on no basis??

Did i revel in self pity and wasted tears when i should have lived the next moment??

Did i dwell on unimportant things and think too much..'what did he really mean'..'does she hate me'??

Sometimes it takes the fear of death to realise that living life is not about wasting time..it's about living each moment like it's the last chance to make a difference.

But really..what does telling someone 'i love you' have to do with dying tomorrow?? If you know clearly they don't love you back..what good can it really do?lol



My right to hurt

Today i was wondering. Why arent people allowed to be sad for whatever reason they want? E.g, someone's cat dies..she's crying..then her friend walks in..'what are you crying about?..my mother left me when i was two..then i got raped by my father when i was 7..my brother died when i was 13..so why are you crying?'..That's a far fetched example..but i hope you get my drift. Everybody should be entitled to their own personal right to grieve. I understand that someone's issues might seem trivial compared to another's but that does not necessarily mean they hurt any less. As human beings, we can't always understand EXACTLY what another is feeling. However, instead of always trying to understand, we can learn to accept sometimes.

I hurt because my family has caused me a lot of pain, but sometimes i also hurt for simple things. Like when he won't answer my call. Or because my friend doesn't listen.

I deleted his number. i know im acting like a 6 year old..but if it makes me feel better, i don't care.



Almost doesn't count

This weekend has been eventful. Firstly i was talking to Foil and somehow i told how he unnerves me. Argh..he did that low voice thing and asked me 'why'..Then went on to give me psycoanalytical stuff about how its in my head.Honestly..it IS in my head..he probably just acts normally..but i take every pause..every giggle..like its personally aimed at my own discomfort. It's gotten to me losing my appetite! It's crazy..Rollercoaster of emotions..it's quite annoying!!

Today i saw one of my heartbreak guys from last year-boy. The only thing seeing him made me remember was how it feels to be used. Thats what he did. Used me. But like my friend pointed out..I used him too. It's not like i particularly wanted a relationship with him..but what did i use him for? That's what i don't get

What's going to happen with Foil. I really don't know. What do i want to happen? I really don't know.

Oh and yesterday..someone came up to me in the grocery store and said..'you're really beautiful'..it made me day for all of 30 minutes..the i started to wonder..did someone put him up to it..does he say that to everybody?

oh..and yesterday as well..i went to see a friend. Well we've been friends for about a year..but we've actually only met in person once. So i went to see him. He cooked me lunch and we watched a dvd. There was a lot of 'physical tension'..I don't understand it. It's funny 'cos just that morning i was wondering what it was like to feel that magnetic need to kiss someone. You know those 'movie type' kisses where two of you just feel something..yadiyadiya..(cos usually i just kiss someone cos we want to..theres nothing magnetic)...now i know what it feels like and im happy i didnt act on any impulse..There's nothing like harsh-cold daylight to make you wonder..'why the hell did i do that?'



Fitting In

Sadness threatens to engulf me. An era of not fitting in has still not passed. I'm flitting from group to group..trying to fit in somewhere. Trying not to be the last person included in something. Self pity is disgusting. But what i feel is not self pity. It's frustration at always being the joker..the unserious one..the one with laughs..when truly..i jus want people to take me seriously. I'm not saying i don't have friends. I do. I'm not saying i don't have close friends. I do. I'm saying i'm never really part of a group dynamic. Like i have individual relationships with people that are great..etc. But as a group..i dont just seem to work. That is frustrating.

The other day i mentioned something about someone not leaving his girlfriend..even though he could have..etc..how daft was that. The point is that he's cheating!! It doesn't matter that he doesn't leave her. He's cheating!! Not once..or twice..He's cheating..Need i say more?


Do not judge..lest you be judged

I've been thinking..what right do i have to judge other people when i do the same things?? Like the bible says 'remove the log in your eye before you remove the speck in your neighbour's eye'..berating my best friend and calling her selfish..complaining that she doesn't see me the way i am..when actually i do the exact same thing. There are definitely people i think i'm better than..smarter..better looking..better body..but what is that if not shallow and self-obsessed?? Maybe it's my human nature..or maybe it's just me..not realising that i make the same stupid mistakes that i berate people about..*shakes head*

My moments of reflections also made me realise something else. When i really like someone for reasons that are not shallow..i want to be friends with them. Good friends..but friends nonetheless..because really..if the relationship doesnt work out..then they are going to be either out of my life or we'll be friends..but really...

So Foil-since religion is an issue..and theres no long term prospect for us anyway..then i suppose we'll just be friends. At least i hope we'll be friends. I don't want him to be my friend..i want to be his. lol. Isn't it funny how girls determine the future of a relationship before it happens? Like..this is me..saying these are the reasons why it won't work out..Why we should just be friends.. But maybe in his head he had crossed out the possibilty of anything happening anyway..lol..I'm thinking like if i decided we could work out..i'll just snap my fingers..yeah right.

He comes across as a serial dater anyway. I dont know if thats the correct term. But it seems like he's never single for long and his relationships never last that long. So maybe i dont want to be in a line of exes anyway.

All i know is that the boy should just stay out of my dreams because he's haunting my sleep.



Argh..The Crush of a Crush

The other day..my friend saw me blogging and she said 'that's just very sad.'...Ah well..i say don't judge! Anyways..yesterday i was at home all day thinking stupid things. its not even what i was thinking..its the fact that i was thinking so much..

So much for seeing how things go..The thing about phone conversations that last long is that sometimes it makes you feel naked. Like you said something you shouldn't have said. And he tells you things that you can use to torment yourself later when you go over the conversation in your head-OVER AND OVER! Like his type. I'm so not his type..it's unbelievable. Obviously, everyone has a type that they dont necessarily stick to..but i still wonder..did he tell me what his type was just so i know im not her???

Argh...i won't lie..i'm waiting for my phone to ring. For him to call. Just reassurance that maybe he likes talking to me too. I feel like i'm 12 years old. This up and down confused feeling. Do i need it?? NOOOOOOOOOO.

Stupid boy..pick up your phone and put me out of near misery!!



Did You Know??

Did you know?

-you can get STD's from oral sex?

-you can get pregnant without having sex?

This is not a research project..so i'll rather not go into how's and whatever. Nobody i've ever told in real life has ever believed me. But ah well..'all i can do is all i can do but all i can do is enough'. Someone told me 'you have to choose which is more important to you..what people will think you did..and what you actually did'...It's true. The other night..some of my friends were speculating about if some girl had sex with a guy she invited to her room (after the club)...being the hopeless optimist that i can be..i told them to stop being cynical..what if nothing happened? Anyway..thats not my point..My point is that..sometimes you can't explain to every single person what you did..and why you did it...so it might be better not to put yourself in that situation in the first place.

Speaking of situations..i think i'm getting myself in one. Yesterday i talked to Foil. Ok..first of all..i texted him(like i said i would)...and then he kept texting back with questions..what better excuse to call?? So i called.. we talked for slightly over an hour. He made me laugh..i made him laugh(slightly disturbingly much)...I stuck to the rules and ended the convo (it was getting to a point where he was laughing too much)...

So worryingly..i might just be liking him...i can't remember the last time i talked on the phone for so long (to a guy)..actually.. i can..but it was a looomg time ago (like last year)..lol! Now im thinking..

1. Should i risk liking him and having him not like me
2. Maybe we'll just end up being really good friends
3. We do the same course.so he's really useful(that sounds slightly wrong)
4. Maybe i should just stop thinking too much.

So that's what i'll do. Stop thinking too much.Stop anticipating what he might and might not feel. I'll just talk to him..and deal with whatever happens.

My relationship with God is on the forefront of my mind a lot these days. Sometimes im tempted to just be someone else. Someone that has no respect for God. Someone morally degenerate. Because i don't want to be lukewarm. The thing is normally..i'm a very (for want of a better word)..moral. There are a lot of things i don't do anyway. But there's just this fear of letting God have total pre-eminent control over my life. It's like having freedom..you don't necessarily use it..but when you're suddenly restricted..you suddenly want to do all the things you cannot do. But recently though..there have been slight changes in me..i'm more forgiving..You know when someone is wrong..but you take the first step to make things up..that is painful stuff..being the bigger person..etc.yah. And i realise that just because it's gospel music doesnt mean i have to like it! Like before..my ipod is on shuffle. A gospel track comes on. I hate it. But i don't change it..because i thought that listening to it was somehow bringing me closer to God. How wrong??

I think i have an idea what i'm supposed to do with my life. It definitely has something to do with speaking. I realised quite recentl..that when i talk..people listen. Even when they don't like what i'm saying. My friend told me that i'm very inflluential. So even if i can sing..that's probably not what i'm going to use. It's propbably going to be in writing or in speaking.

Apparently..the guy i had something with last year..the one that has a girlfriend..she's not good looking(i say this with no malice)..and she's kind of chubby. Which just goes to show that even if there are better looking people in the world..if someone wants to be with you they will. And even though i've gone through the harrowing experience of being the better looking BUT rejected one..it's good to know that if someone wants to be with me..it doesn't matter how good looking any other babe is..he'll be with me.




Lust. I've always denied it's existence (in my life)...When people ask me..'oh..ur still a virgin?..wat do u do when u feel like having sex'...I'm always like..'how can i feel like having sex..when i've never had sex..i can be curious..but i can't actually FEEL like having sex!! I know..the argument sounds so stupid. I don't actually expect people to buy the argument. But anyway...

Today! i saw one of my heartbreak guys from last year. I'm over him now and were friends..(since he said he likes me as a friend.lol)..but hmm..i felt a strong wave of what can only be described as lust. Everytime i hugged him..or sat next to him..or put my head next to him..or lay beside him with his shirt off (he was hot..nothing happened)...I just felt like woah! hotness!

So two guys today. Totally different guys mentioned me looking better..'finer'..hmm..i wonder what it is..the weightloss? but its not drastic to be fair..my clothes still fit more or less the same..it's just obvious in like my face..my arms..my collarbone..etc....

And..i met another guy today. Ola. He's reaaaaaaaly dark..but he's cool to hang out with. I see us becoming friends. So this guy that i met last weekend..let me call him foil. its funny..im thinking constantly of talking to him. In the shower..i have these conversations with him in my head(so technically..im having conversations with myself)...im definitely going crazy!!

Foil. hmmm. I guess if i want to talk to him..i should just call him right? But i'm counting down the days to whn it'll be ok to call him..like shuld i call five days after the first call..(im DEFINITELY crazy!!Maybe i'll send him a text. Maybe tomorrow.



What they Say

Insecurities plague me. I think too much. Today i woke up after a dream of 'guy i just met'..it's fascinating how my feelings go up and down like a yoyo. It feels like my mind controls what i feel. I don't think it's supposed to be like that.

Closure. They say it's so important to move on. However, they also say that it can take roughly twice the time of your relationship to get over it. That is so not true. It took me 1 year and 9 months to get over my ex. Our relationship did not last for up 2 six months. How is that possible? Funny enough..if i could go back in time..i wouldn't go back to when we were happy..because that will just plunge me back into sadness. Sadness so deep that sometimes i couldnt even cry anymore. I couldnt listen to music. All i could do was sit and stare and wait for the feeling to pass. If i could go back in time..i'll go back to after the break up..and ill break up. Meaning..ill leave him alone. A lot of times, i break into a cold sweat just thinking about all those months when i jus would not leave him alone. I remember when i used to call him every other day. He never called me. Then after two weeks..i'm like..'it's been two weeks and you havent called me once'..he's like 'i have nothing to talk to you about'..ok this is me not getting him. i'm like..but i've been calling you and we've been talking..he's like..'no..u've been talking'...ouch!!! Wouldnt it have been better if he just ignored my calls??

This is me almost two years later..my insecurity is potent.My self confidence has been whittled down. I get a high from careless compliments..'u look nice'...'that's a nice dress'...'ur make up looks nice'...'ur actually quite pretty'...how sad is that. The funny thing is when i loook into the mirror, i see a pretty girl. But in the same brainwave..i think this is what i see..but not what everyone else sees.

You wouldnt know it to look at me. I'm talkative..loud even..always laughing..comfortable without make up. Sometimes i dress up and sometimes i don't. I really want my self confidence inside to match up to the person i am on the outside. They say identifying the problem is halfway to the solution. But here i am at the problem..and no closer to the solution.



I'm Only Human

Scenario-girl on a diet..second day..buying ben and jerry's buy one get one free..then eating it ALL IN ONE NIGHT..excuse-im only human..im sorry, but no..ur only greedy!

'i'm only human is this excuse that we use, so we can remain inadequate..so we excuse not living up to our full potential..I use it a lot..but i realise it's because i'm too lazy to do better..or i just don't believe in myself. It's too early in the morning to preach to myself..so i'll jus leave it at that now.

Ok yesterday i did two things...I called guy i met at the weekend..and i swapped numbers with guy in church. After i talked to guy i met at the weekend, i realised that..I don't like these guys..but i want them to like me. I don't understand why. Maybe i just need reassurance. People can still like me right?

My friend yesterday was like..'u'll like him until u find a reson to be bored'..i come across as fickle..but i'm actually not..i just force myself to like people..y? cos im bored? sad? I think sad is more like it! Until i accept that emotions are not my whole being..i might never be satisfied. And i'll probably keep doing stupid things. Last year..like 3 guys made me cry. Actually..exactly three guys made me cry. In actual fact, i ended things with three of them. But, i didnt want them to give up so easily. I wanted them to come with me on my emotional rollercoaster, and be there on a whim. Unfortunately, none of them were willing. So, as usual, i ended up looking stupid. Gosh, when i think of the truly desperate things i said and did..i cringe..did i really say to a guy 'i want you to kiss me'..after i found out he had a girlfriend??...did i really tell a guy 'i miss u..i just want to talk to you..not about us..about anything'..Did i really tell a guy 'i'm sorry' after I decided the 'friends without benefits wasn't what i wanted. Why was i saying sorry after he offered me a relationship i wasn't interested in anymore..i told him..'it's like offering a child something that went out of fashion 5 years ago'..When he realised i was being serious..off course he didnt want to be friends..he walked me to the train station (silently, i might add)..and he walked away. That was it. Why did i call him afterwards?? Why did i text 'i'm sorry'...it took him ignoring my calls to realise i was behaving like a fool.

'I want you to kiss me'...Gosh..i feel so stupid! I thought he was feeling what i thought i was feeling (after two weeks)..lol..then i found out rudely..that he had a girlfriend..he didnt deny it..he gave me the 'it's complicated' line... I still had him over for the weekend..but afterwards..that was it..i told him i wasn't interested in being 'the other'...until i started talking to him again..and the fact that he had a girlfriend faded away...but he wasn't interested anymore..then i saw him again and thats when i said the cringeworthy line 'i want you to kiss me'..sometime after that he actually told me 'i like you..but as a friend'..that's when i cried.

I remember when i was telling the 'i miss you' guy that i didn't want us anymore. We had been on and off for a while and it was driving me insane...I sent him a text..I thought he'd want to talk about it..he didn't. He didn't talk to me for a full week..then he called..just to say hey..i guess to show me that he was still talking to me..but he accepted that there was no us anymore..During that first week..when he didnt talk to me..that's when i cried..i probably didnt eat for like a day or two..He was the one i really liked.

But..none of these guys were my boyfriend..so when i say ex..i don't mean any of them.

I've made a lot of mistakes..but hey..i'm only human.



Bloody Rules

Leaving my ex alone is so much easier than i thought. I had my hand programmed to his page before..it was automatic..check my msgs..then check his page..new status? new wall posts? new tagged photos?...now i don't evne remember his page until im logged out. Off course, there are some days when i slip..but hey..im human!! but i can finally say that..1 year and 9 mnths (gosh it sounds so sad)..i realise that he's gone!! HE WILL NEVER FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE!! lol...i don't know if its wise..ive just replaced one stalking for another..so this guy i met this wknd..its weird..at certain times of the day..i really don't like him...at some times..i'm thinking..just call..(i have his number but he doesnt have mine)...but after reading that bloody book called 'the rules' or something..i have to weigh every action now. Maybe before...i wouyld have called..it's not like im on some mad rampage to find a boyfriend..i just want to expand my circle of friends..but noooooo...bcos the stupid book is stuck in my subconscious..I dont want to do anything like call!!

It's annoying when you write stuff..and you don't want to put any kind of detail because you never know who might stumble on your page. Thw whole point is anonymity right? It makes writing stuff hard..if there's a need to refer to something that happened..but hey!

Anyways..this guy at church..he's really cool..but i'm not the only person that thinks so..Millions of other girls turn to dust when they talk to him..so..automatically..i dont really talk to him! i dont think he's particularly good looking..but i love the way he dresses and speaks..theres nothing better than someone who makes sense.

I used to be so friendly..but its like the older i get..the more the fear of being portrayed as (God forbid) desperate! it's fascinating how as human beings, we constantly need validation from people to see us the way we see ourselves. The way we hope other people see us. No matter how people say 'i'm dressing up for myself'..yeah right..if you go back home at the end of the day and no single person has said 'you look nice'.. there's that little sinking feeling that makes you want to try harder or give up all together..

Today..i'm going to either
(1) make a new friend
(2) call someone ive never called

Life is too short to live by rules. However, its not long enough to live by principles.



Its not them..its me!

It's hard to like a person. I mean fall for a person. This weekend i met this guy. I think he's so cool. He dresses really nicely and he treats his friends really well. He's kinda cute..basically..he ticked a lot of boxes. By the end of the weekend i was so sure that i felt something. But come monday..cold. I don't like him:(...It;s sad really..Having crushes is nice. I havn't had one for a while. I force myself to like people that i really have no real feelings for. So what is it that my heart wants? hmm...maybe i'm the kind of person that takes ages to fall for someone. I'm on this self discovery process that's fascinating. Sometimes i feel like i don't know myself at all!!

For the first time in a long time, i'm comfortable. With who i am..how i am..the things i don't like, i'm taking active steps to rectify..instead of sitting around and moaning. My grades are up..my body is falling into some kind of shape..things are looking up!! This weekend..my friends were telling me how attractive i am!! lol..they always sound so surprised when they say 'ur looking finer'..like..hmm..how did that happen??




Boy Blues

I've always thought i was quite attractive. Infact, people constantly comment on the said fact. However, all that attractiveness, charming personality and etc..seems to be lost on all creatures of the opposite sex. Recently, ive started to think that not getting married is not the worst thing in the world(although im not looking at marriage for a couple of years yet). Everytime i meet someone that i think...'hmm'..its as if a force goes into overdrive to make sure that there is NO possiblity that we would even be friends. This is not to say that noone is ever 'intrigued' by me. its just that its not mutual. I dont know. Maybe im shallow. Maybe its karma. And maybe one day i'll be willing to settle. But right now, its baffling. What went wrong?

Finally! i've decided to leave my ex alone. Maybe i finally realise that ex means he doesnt want to be your friend. Ex also means you wont get back together. Ex means he doesnt still like you. Ex means he's over you. I saw a theory somewhere 'if you keep going back to your ex, it means you have nothing to look forward to'..or some wise philosophy like that. Maybe its true. After him, i havent been in a proper relationship..but i havnt been all single either. But when any of them does something that makes me sigh..i automatically think of him. Wel, maybe a first step would be to STOP looking at his page on facebook. Facebook was created for people like me to stalk! Andi finally realise that YES..IT IS STALKING..if you go on someone's page and read their wall to wall with someone you don't know. It is stalking..if you add someone that you havnt met to check whats happening between them(she was the ex he was with for longer than me..and we had like 40 mutual friends)..ok no excuse!

Finally, i don't actually understand why some people see me the way they do. I think sometimes i give off a slightly 'slutty' impression..which couldnt be farther from the truth. I don't understand how i give off this impression. It's just evident in the things that people sometimes say to me. It is a ver worrying impression. I'm trying my hardest to be 'the Jesus people see'..but evidently..im not trying hard enough..if what people see is the adultress that Jesus saved from stoning.