Pushy. I wonder if i'm pushy. When i think of pushy...a picture of a really annoying person comes to mind..i guess in some ways im annoying..but everybody is entitled to be annoying sometimes right?? Someone called me pushy..and today i was thinking about it..i guess i am in some ways.I think i might be delusional as well. If you ask someone 'do you like me?' and they say 'i havnt thought about us in that way'..then the person has politely said..'um..no'..Why is this just realisation just coming to me today?? After days and days of making myself look more stupid than i've already done. i think theres a reason why girls pick 'bastards'..because they always know where they stand.Polite people? not so much..they answer everything so diplomatically, you dont pick up the hints until its to late and you look too stupid..*hits head*..I feel like SUCH an IDIOT!!

It seems like i'm always writing about a guy. this guy. Because he makes me feel like i can sometimes reach a level of stupidity i didnt know i had. I can deal with someone not liking me..etc..what really makes me feel stupid is all those diplomatic hints that i just DID NOT get!! I dont know what to say anymore. i guess im just going to keep on cringeing till i get over it and learn to tune my 'hint reception' to a higher frequency.

I'm really not this stupid. I would actually say i'm quite smart. I'm not this obsessive. I would even say i'm fickle. I just dont know what to say anymore. I guess i dont know myself as well as i thought i did.


Dear You...

Dear You,

I don't even know where to start. The way we met was not spectacular. Friend of a friend. But the moment i saw you..u intrigued me. Maybe it was the attitude, the careless half smile, the way conversations were always finished...but always felt like there was more..like there was a hustle for your time.

I was different straight away. Yes, i wanted to preach girl power and being strong! I wanted to follow the rules and make you chase me. It was a risk i wasn't willing to take. I called you. I talked to you. I became friends with you. But we were stuck in a time capsule..one that didn't shift. I still called..you still laugh..but u didn't call..You didn't talk to me..you listened..you answered whatever you were asked. My friends said..'maybe u don't give him time to call you'..i gave you time. nothing.

After a while, i stopped waiting for you to call. I called you..and i was happy when i made you laugh. I didn't analyse anything you said. What was the point..you were clearly not into me. Two months and not a single call. Not a single text. This is the point where everyone says I'm crazy. But no one said so. No one asked me to leave you alone.

To put it down is difficult. i don't know if what we have is 'a' history or 'my' history. Everything that has ever happened, i started. Our first conversation, our first dance, our first kiss. Our first kiss. If i allowed myself for a minute to believe that actions speak louder than words..i would believe that you felt for me almost what i felt for you. But its hard to pit action against no words.

Its hard. I don't know what to say to you. The words don't even come to me when i write. All of this shouldn't matter. you're leaving soon. But it does matter. Even if this is the last time i see you, i want you to know how i feel. I want to know that if we had time, you might have broken out of your defence and made 'us' happen.

This doesn't make total sense, but i don't know how else to say this to you. I don't know how else to explain that i have broken ALL of my defences and crossed ALL of my boundaries to get here with you. But somehow, it doesn't feel like a victory. it feels like a mistake.


The reason why private is the way to go...(catalogue of unpublished posts)

I am pissed!! friggin pissed!! bloody pissed!! angry!! i would like to say im pissed at the stupid boy called foil that got me into this state..but im more pissed at myself for letting him get me here! Infact there are so many posts ive started and not published because im too pissed to continue..so let this be like a catalogue of unpublished posts...

post 1
I am pissed. Friggin pissed. Bloody pissed. Why do you have to be the way you are?? I dont understand it. ive always been an advocate for accepting even things that you dont understand..but this is getting really ridiculous!!

Right now..i dont care whether you like me or not! it doesnt matter because you're leaving anyway! But..it o

post 2
I'm going private. It's not that thousands of people read my blog. Infact its just a minute number..but still..because im so honest here..i think going private is the only way ill fell comfortabe enough to continue blogging with the same degree of honesty.

It has been a long weekend. Or a long start to the beginning of the holiday. actually the 'holiday' doesnt technically begin till after results..but anyway..

I startd writing this intending to give a step by step analysis of everything that happened but it seems too exhausting.a LOT of stuff happened. i might as well.

My friends birthday..

post 3
If im honest..i fell a little for the little boy. My 18 year old..that soon turns 19..how exciting for him. He's still too young..but i fell a little. He's sweet. The day i stayed in uni all night and was hungry..he sent me every number of every place that he could find that delivered. Even if i should know better, he was always the one pushing me and checking on me. But as sweet as he is..'cling' is not his middle name. he's totally independent. He doesnt call me all the time..

post 4
People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not

post 5
I understand people. At the risk of sounding cliche, i do. It's an exciting recent discovery. I see beneath the facade people paint..I think i spend too much time..studying and analyzing. my friend said i care about people too much..i guess that's just me.

I've also recently discovered my anger at 'the rules'...who invented the bloody rules?the rules that we are supposed to live by? the one that says 'hold back'..'dont show too much..but show enough'..'be mysterious'...'never make the first move'..'hold out till the third date'..etc..actually they sound more like relationship rules? but still..who made them..see tintins girl..she ticks all the right boxes..why?

It's just annoying that we always have to follow this unwritten pattern..half of the time i dont know what it is..everyone likes to believe that they make their own way..but when push comes to shove..we are all caught up in life's rules one way or the other.

post 6
It's been a weekend of learning new things. I spent my weeked crying. It was a combination of different thing. My exams which despite the incredible hard work i've put in havent been great. Rejection. When i got the 'i like you..but' speech. it didnt matter. i thought i didnt care. But it hurts really badly.

I'm a virgin. But only technically. It's not a banner i hod proudly over my head. The day i made the decision to chill..i didnt see myself messing around with anyone. I didnt see myself taking off my clothes. Now, somehow, i wish maybe i wasn't a virgin. Maybe that would help me to create some physical boudaries. The thing about me is..

And this lady and gentlemen is why i think im going private..so i can finish my posts..etc..and express my anger in faux-secrecy!



Songs that make me laugh

1. alphabetic love-faze
This song is just too funny..'i..ur my iiiiiiiice.cream'..lol as in what??

2. Are you ready-Anusha
*whispers in pseudo sexy voice* are u ready for me..boy u know i want you

3. Chop your mouth-rooftop mcs
Just the name is funny..but seriously they r actually singing about chooping mouth..'if u dont know the lyrics and u want to sing along..then chop ur mouth'..lol..makes me remember people doing 'flex' and 'butterfly'..and chopping their mouth shamelessly

4. i told u so-frankee
LOL..this is too funny! someones boyfriend cheated on her and she went to her friend for support..etc..the whole song is the friend singing 'b4 i say anything..lemme just say..i told u so'...'next time ull know what friend to listen to'..as in are people really that insenstive in real life??

5.Maria Mena-cant remember what exact song it was
'im sorry about the time when i touched you inbetween ur legs and said it was small cos its not..i just didnt want u to realise how good you were'..lol

6. pizza pizza-brownberry
This song is just for jokes..so thats exactly what it gives me..singing about why the pizza shop opens so late..lol

7. silence-roof top mcs
Its not the words..its the voice the song was in..and the yoruba party vibe..'silence is the best aaansaa fora foool!'..lol

8. temptation-destinys child
'oops i forgot..i got a man'..lol..yaah

I cant think again..ill keep u posted!