Big Fat Red Letter Sign

Why do we ignore the truth when it's staring at us straight in the face. Why do i ignore the truth when it's staring me straight in the face? Sometimes something is so blatant..it's not even a hint anymore. It's a BIG FAT RED LETTER SIGN. I thought i was strong. Apparently not. I can't remember the girl that used to have resolve and stick to it. Now i can't even take hints and move on. I read too many books with happy endings. I guess in spite of my pessimistic outlook on life, i'm really an optimist at heart. And sometimes against all logic..i hope. Sometimes, beyond all logic..i hope. Theres a thin line between faith and stupidity and i think i crossed that line a long time ago.

It's weird. This time it's different.In the 2 years i've been single, i've never been so..relentless. I identify lost causes and move on. This time, i can't. Or maybe i don't want to. but why would i be setting myself up to get hurt?

It aches. but it's not a sharp pain. It's a dull ache. Like an old wound. I want to stop going back to him, but i keep going back. I'm hoping one day that he rejects me. Maybe then the BIG FAT RED SIGN will become clearer.

I need to respect myself. I need to leave him alone. This is what i tell myself at least once every hour. It doesn't work. I still give in to that urge to hear his voice. I actually said the words..'i like your voice'.

I don't actually know what to do. And he doesn't help. Actually he helps a bit, by putting a sign out there. But if you put a 'closed' sign outside your shop, why would you still let people come in?

I wish i could go back to the day when i discovered the shop...and drive past it.


Of heavy hearts

Why did i wake up naked next to an 18 year old boy? This is the question i was aking myself in the shower today. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm doing things i shouldn't do, and i can't talk to anyone about it. I didn't know he was 18. I only found out yesterday. And the said waking up naked happened two days ago. I feel like a peadophile. The amazing thing was yesterday he was apologizing for not calling me the day he left. He didn't want to be a 'stereotypical guy, not calling'..oh! sweet that he thought i'd be insecure and think he used me.

You know how we think blogsville is a place where we can say anything we want to say and people won't judge..Humans by their very nature are naturally judgemental. It's just the way humans experience jealousy. So..yeah..most peopel are anonymous. Does that mean that when you're reading about someone you don't know..a quick judgement doesn't pass through your mind??

Foil. It's difficult. It's difficult that i like him. It's difficult that sometimes i wake up and the feelings arent there..but i know that somewhere behind the 'not there'..the said feelings are waiting to pounce on me most unexpectedly. It was easy talking to him knowing (by assumption) that he had no feelings for me. Until my cousin got involved and dissected everything he has done since we met to say 'there is evidence on both sides..but the evidence to suggest that he likes you is more'..so yesterday, i dont't know why..why i said the stupid things i said..like

me- so are you just a polite person..like you always return calls..and text back and all..are u always like that..like isn't it hard..like me anmd my flatmate, we're both non confrontational people..and it gets hard because noone says what there really feeling..so sometimes it's up to me to guess and obviously whaen i dont guess..then she gets upset but doesnt say anything until we're talking about something totally unrelated and it comes up...

Foil-say what you want to say..stop going round incircles

Me-i don't know what i want to say..thats why im going round.
(at this point..what i really want to know is..do you always return my calls because you like me? if you stop does that mean you dont..or are u always going to be this polite person that doesnt give hints)

Foil-i try to be polite..but i think i strike a balance

Me-it must be hard being polite all the time..like it's just not natural (WTF??!)
(at this point he's getting noticeably irritated)

Me-so its just weird how you don't ask things..like when i asked you for your number again and you didnt ask why (this was when i deleted his number for a week and asked for it again)

Foil-why would i ask..i lose numbers..i lost a's number..i didnt have b's number.so why would i want to knpw why if you're asking for my number

Me-it's just like..shouldn't you be curious?

Foil-there are things to be curious about..not why you're asking for my number

Me-*insert stupid statement like 'i guess*

There were a few more stupid things before i just had to run off the phone. I sent him a text saying 'i'm sorry..that sometimes i can't articulate what i want to say..and it ends up long winded or annoying..and that i assume things about you'..I truly expected him to say something like 'it's fine'..or 'why are u apologizing'..but he said...nothing. He didn't reply. So i guess he DOES know how to strike a balance. I woke up in the middle of the night, and i couldn't sleep with the lights off..because i was dreaming about him..because i just got this scared feeling..Even if we don't ened up together (and i don't think we should..given his religion and the fact that i'll feel insecure with him)..i want him in my life. As a friend..as an acquaintance..as anything. It's ironic..because the other day i was talking to him about what someone should do if they upset him..i guess that was my preparation for yesterday..so i'll just leave him alone for a while.

I'm tired of being this insecure person. If insecurity could be cured by people telling you you're beautiful..etc..then i'd be so cured by now..but it isn't. And it upsets me that when i meet people i don't believe that the only thing they can be seeing is me..beautiful me. I'm always thinking..yeah..they probably won't remember me..all sorts of stupid things. I just want to be happy in my own skin. But i don't know how. I don't want to judge myself the way other people see me, and i don't want my connotation of how people see me to be negative.I just dont know how.

A lot of days..i feel so far away from God. I don't know how to get back to him. It should be easy right? I should just get down on my knees..and open my heart..but how? the prayers of the unrighteous are an abomination unto God..and how can i know im truly repenting..how do i know that at the back of my mind..im not thinking that im just going to do it again??

My heart is heavy..but i'll just wait for the heaviness to pass. I miss Foil already.



'honour your mother and father that your days might be long'..thats what came to my heart this morning when i was abusing my father in my mind. Now this is the point where i list all the incredibly horrifying things this man has done..but that would negate the honour bit..thats what i need to try to do..honour him.


Losing Control

I'm addicted. To Foil. To his voice. I love the stuff he says. I love the way he laughs. Gosh..im not in love..but i'm in something!! I'm still in control..kind of. Control of my emotions. But i'm scared that very soon..i'll lose that. What am i going to do when i lose control?

Maybe i've already lost control. He's the last thing i think of at night. The first thing i think of in the morning. I'm a joke. And it's funny cos now i'm meeting a lot of people. People i find interesting. people that find me interesting. But everytime my phone rings..im dissapointed if it isn't him. I'm on a slippery slope to somewhere emotional crisis begins. But i don't care. Actually..i care..i just don't know how to stop.

I've tried to cut him out of my life. But maybe i didn't really want him out. This is not healthy for me at all. He doesn't make me lose my appetite. yet. But he's pretty darn close. I'm actually crazy. There's no other explanation. But in the midst of my craziness..i cannot hope that maybe he might be interested. I dare not hope. And usually, im the asking type. I dare not ask. I really do not want to know. I'm acting on the premise that he doesn't. Because if i allow myself, even for a second..to think that he does..i will definitely go mad.



Follow your heart?

Does the spirit inhabit the heart?? Like..you know the saying 'follow your heart'..well..can't your heart be wrong? A lot of people end up with the wrong person because they followed their heart..Sometime this year, i wrote down a list of things i should run away from (in a guy)..and i put religion..but now when it's staring me in the face..i want to follow my heart..i dont want to follow the piece of paper whose words came from my mind..if im inhabited by the spirit..why does my heart lead me astray?

Does the spirit inhabit ur heart?


im wondering..

I've often wondered. (actually i only wondered this yesterday)..but why is it that saying 'i love you is a huge deal..(as in..'y wont u say i love u..)..but then when people break up they say 'i love you, but i'm not in love with you'..so from the beginning why don't they just say 'i'm in love with you'???

I'm so happy!!!