I can't tell you...

I can't tell you that it hurts like hell
That just a few weeks ago he said 'I love you' and I wanted to believe it so bad
That I'm not ok-that its not ok
That I can't think about it-you without a knife in my stomach
That what was I supposed to say?
That I wish that my paranoia wasn't perception
That I know that I'm powerless to stop it
So I have to stand by and watch
And hope that time makes it not hurt
That yes-off course I cried in my pillow
That it makes food taste like sawdust
That it makes sleeping that bit harder
That I wish-i wish so hard that it was ok
But how can it be ok-when its him? And when its you?
That I'm scared its already happened
That I wish it wasn't true.
That I wish I could tell you
But I can't tell you.


Letters To Your Past

Dear You,

I remember when I first met you. You weren’t really my type. You would do really sweet things and then you would say something nasty even without meaning to- I looked like I was wearing P.Js, etc. Neither of us meant to fall but we did. I fell harder. I held back. You didn’t let me. You gave me an ultimatum. I didn’t want to lose you. Remember when you were scared because we were so perfect? I guess it was just too good to be true.

I remember when you asked for a break. My heart broke into a million pieces. I didn’t eat for four days. I didn’t sleep. It tortured my little heart. It was two days after you’d asked me to meet your mum. How was I supposed to get over that? How was I supposed to get over the fact that you thought I cheated with your best friend?

We got back together. You missed me. But I didn’t know how to put the pieces back together. We broke up. I ate. I slept. I cried sometimes. You were sweet sometimes. You hinted at us getting back together. I ignored the hints. You kissed me. I tasted it on my lips for days. You stopped talking to me. I called constantly. Just to talk. I talked, you listened. You said you had nothing to say to me. I cried a lot and called you some more. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I was no closer to getting over you. I left. Numbness set in. I talked to you, it started again. Months turned into a year. I still cried. I still called you sometimes. You ignored me sometimes. Humiliated me sometimes. You were adamant we couldn’t be friends. I cried some more.

I met other guys. They made me laugh. I still thought about you. Finally, I thought it was gone. I saw you again. You were nervous, your eyes lit up. It all came rushing back. You remained adamant. You ignored another birthday. One year turned into two.

I’m now over you, first love.