What is it about retrospect that makes it so much clearer than the present?

Is it actually clearer? Or do memory and imagination connive to create a clear picture in order to move on?

Like the realisation that something you believed at the time was real actually had no substance...actually couldn't have worked.

How come you start to see clearly- never being let in. Never knowing names and places and events. Never really being anything but a voice on the other side of the phone. A train station fantasy. A practise run for what to say...how to behave.

The present makes you believe things that arent true. Attaches too much importance to meaningless things. Words and smiles and feelings...that fade away. The present doesn't care about substance...it cares about happiness. Even if that happiness is false. It cares about laughter...it's all about the deceit...because the present has too much 'hope' and 'optimism' and wants so badly to 'believe'.

Retrospect is real. When the words and the smiles peel away. What's left...that's real. That's retrospect.


I think I've passed the stage where my relationship with one person affects my relationships with other people. Just because someone lies, doesn't mean everyone lies. Just because someone hurt me doesn't mean everyone is out to hurt me.

On the other hand, I've come to realise that you can't always find the good in everyone. I'm the sort of person that hangs on to any friend past all their mistakes, past any hurt...because I believe that inherently, we are good people who sometimes do bad things. However, that is a naive and quite frankly, silly point of view. Some people are bad. Maybe they are good deep inside, but as long as they are bad pour moi...I have to regard them as bad and toss them out of my life.

This brings me to yet another realisation. Not everyone deserves to be in your life. I used to hate the word deserve. To me, it spoke of self-righteousness...'he doesn't deserve me' 'she doesn't deserve a friend like me'...i always thought...'well what makes you so damn great?' we are all flawed in some way...but the truth is DESERVE is a word that is now real in my mind. Not everyone deserves my time or my attention. Not everyone deserves to be in my life. Life is long. Very long...and if so early in my twenties, I start carrying baggage of dead-weight friends...where's the space in my life in the future for people that might actually help me?Sometimes baggage feels so comforting and we want people in our lives strictly out of habit. Habit is not enough...if someone doesn't add ANYTHING to your life...anything positive...even if it's just the person that always makes you laugh...why are they there?

Also...i'm pretty tired of the people that cling to me when they have tons of baggage...They need advice...they need me to listen...and suddenly they are back in my life with vengeance...I soak up their tears and calm their woes...problems vanish and so do they! Suddenly life gets in the way...until the next crisis when they need me for tea, tissues and unlimited listening minutes. ENOUGH. Friends are supposed to 'share'. I am not there as the free excess baggage trolley. I have my own life...and if someone is not willing to be there for me if I need to talk at 3 in the morning (which incidentally, I never do)...then I don't want to be the agony aunt. I don't want to listen to variations of the same event and offer advice that gets tossed in the end. Selfishness is now my goal. After all, even the bible says 'love your neighbour AS THYSELF'...NOT MORE THAN!

I'm grateful for my friends...they are amazing, patient and care about me as much as I should care for myself. I'm grateful for this blog because its the ONLY thing i've ever kept at this long and obviously...I have the most amazing followers.

Enough rant for the night.

Back soon.