I can't tell you...

I can't tell you that it hurts like hell
That just a few weeks ago he said 'I love you' and I wanted to believe it so bad
That I'm not ok-that its not ok
That I can't think about it-you without a knife in my stomach
That what was I supposed to say?
That I wish that my paranoia wasn't perception
That I know that I'm powerless to stop it
So I have to stand by and watch
And hope that time makes it not hurt
That yes-off course I cried in my pillow
That it makes food taste like sawdust
That it makes sleeping that bit harder
That I wish-i wish so hard that it was ok
But how can it be ok-when its him? And when its you?
That I'm scared its already happened
That I wish it wasn't true.
That I wish I could tell you
But I can't tell you.


Letters To Your Past

Dear You,

I remember when I first met you. You weren’t really my type. You would do really sweet things and then you would say something nasty even without meaning to- I looked like I was wearing P.Js, etc. Neither of us meant to fall but we did. I fell harder. I held back. You didn’t let me. You gave me an ultimatum. I didn’t want to lose you. Remember when you were scared because we were so perfect? I guess it was just too good to be true.

I remember when you asked for a break. My heart broke into a million pieces. I didn’t eat for four days. I didn’t sleep. It tortured my little heart. It was two days after you’d asked me to meet your mum. How was I supposed to get over that? How was I supposed to get over the fact that you thought I cheated with your best friend?

We got back together. You missed me. But I didn’t know how to put the pieces back together. We broke up. I ate. I slept. I cried sometimes. You were sweet sometimes. You hinted at us getting back together. I ignored the hints. You kissed me. I tasted it on my lips for days. You stopped talking to me. I called constantly. Just to talk. I talked, you listened. You said you had nothing to say to me. I cried a lot and called you some more. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I was no closer to getting over you. I left. Numbness set in. I talked to you, it started again. Months turned into a year. I still cried. I still called you sometimes. You ignored me sometimes. Humiliated me sometimes. You were adamant we couldn’t be friends. I cried some more.

I met other guys. They made me laugh. I still thought about you. Finally, I thought it was gone. I saw you again. You were nervous, your eyes lit up. It all came rushing back. You remained adamant. You ignored another birthday. One year turned into two.

I’m now over you, first love.


Who still watches one tree hill?? I want someone to discuss it with!! *im sad-i know*



I'm completely self delusional...

I would never have thot this..

Infact if asked to describe myself i would say that i'm a sweet, too-nice, wears her feelings on her jacket kinda girl...

But apparently i'm more of a stone cold dont care about anyone *insert bad word that starts with b*

I guess it shouldn't be that much of a shock

I remember one time when my friend said she didnt think i was a christian because 'you're not a nice person' *insert shocked hurt expression* Although her opinion obviously changed when she got to know me- at least i HOPE it has*

So- if i care about people truly and it just doesnt show- I don't actually know what to do

Oh please- i dont want to hear that 'then show it' because as i said before i thought i was showing the feelings a bit too much

Short of pasting a fake smile on my face and carrying cardboard signs detailing how i feel about people, i really don't know how to change this impression.

btw- on a more random note, i noticed d'banj and his using a white girl in his current video- but can't the guy like a white girl again? Have we just forgotten the millions of black girls he used in his past videos?

On another random note- i was really irritated the other day when i opened the hair section of a magazine and saw Beyonce's poker straight weave being described as 'afro-hair' then i though about it and thought- 'hmmm- these magazines aim to appeal to as wide a demographic as possible and most black people have 'white' hair in the form of weaves and expensive hair modifying products- so even if the magazines don't exressly mention 'black hair', realistically they cater to it as well!

But hey- dont make this a human rights issue- im having enough pain from my chocolate fast as it is. *day 2*



he wrote me this...

am awake and its 12 am,all is quet and still and darkness fills the land i want you,i know i want younot for now but for all time, ive carried a candle waiting for you i dont know why, cant explain, dont want a rational analysis. your lips taste different,a faint lingering memeory that refuses to go. is it wrong to think of another when with someone? i dont kno you tell me, cos thats is how it is with me, thinking of you, how her should be you, thinking of many things. im hurt a lil when u speak of others with affection,i am happy when you are happy, i wish 'her' was you, but i am afraid, of you and the power you hold over me, i am crazy,'her is the available that became the desirable that has become the past. theres a lot i am not saying not because i dont want to but because i dont know how you would take it,  one thing i dont do is games especially with you, cos i value u more thand mind tricks and all. i dont kno what you want in a partner, what you desire deep deep down, i want to share. i know one thing though i love you. not like you a lot or think you are cool and  fun to be with, , just love pure and simple. i know about fighting, i have to fight for every thing, and im sure you know how hard it is.   im tired of keeping it all in, maybe thats why now im leting you know how it is, showing you a little of whats hidden deep down. now im fighting for you but in my own way. im not limiting myself anymore, just lettting it all out. i want to be the one that makes your heart beat faster and more. for now i am content with being your friend, even though i want more. i waited a long time to do this too long,cos i dont know how you would take it or even how we would be after this. now im not hidding it, im letting it all out please dont push me away, this is a start, maybe you would forgive me for all the unsaid words, all these years. i am waiting for you, still, patient, untiring, counting the days until.................please dont make me wait for too long love me, for who i am what i represent ......... love me, for i love you So maybe now you know a lil bit, theres still more, much more. tonight i shall dance with you in my arms as if today was my last day, and hold you close.


I dont have a definite opinion on most things. maybe its the fact that i studied law and i can look at anything as clearly from one angle as i can from the other. So i can so passionately argue about something one day and argue about the opposite thing the next day. It drives my friends crazy! 'babes why are u changing mouth'- hell it even drives me crazy! what exactly is my point?

erm...to be continued.


random realization past midnight

I've come to the conclusion that it takes approximately 2 weeks to determine if someone is ever going to like you or not. Be warned that after this period of two weeks-it might seem like their feelings for you are 'growing', but trust me-at the end of 1 mnth? Two? Three? The situation reverts to that which you guessed in the 2 week period. He really wasn't that into you.

Now I see some girls reading and recoiling and going 'yeh that might be you-sure aint me-people actually get to know me' yeh yeh-tell yourself that as you scroll thru your messages comparing msgs from week two and week 6-day 42. Don't get me wrong-im not saying it takes two weeks for someone to like you. Its possible that they barely even know you at that time. What I'm saying is it takes approximately two weeks (maybe less) for you to know if someone is going to like you or not. And you know what I think? That's a veery good time frame. Because you can walk away before you find yourself stuck in a situation where your feelings are not being reciprocated.

Why am I doing a post on you figuring out whether someone likes you-and not on if you actually like them? Well that's because u know within an hour of meeting someone if they stand a chance.

Ps-you do not have to agree-but you're welcome to post differing opinions (as long as it doesn't state that emotions are not an exact science-because let's face it-they kind of are)



Dear You...

I don't want to be your friend anymore.


See What I Wrote Last Night...

I want you. I think that I want you. But more than I want you-i want you to want me. I want you to care. I can't stand that you don't care. I say I don't believe in games. But its not true. I'm scared of games. I'm scared that they work and I don't know how to play. I'm scared that I'm not the kind of person that is allowed to play games. I don't have that luxury. I have to fight. Or I'd never get anything. That's how I got you isn't it?

I wish I could re-live some moments. Some words you said...when you hugged me and whispered in my ear...when you laughed and fell on me and touched my hair...when you kissed me...when u looked at me...no awkward silence-just you and me...when you told me silly things about your childhood...when you danced with me...times when you told me I was crazy...when I made you laugh...when you laughed with me...when we'd talk without gaps-falling over our sentences-bcos there was so much to say...when you kissed me again...when you held me just before I fell asleep...when you said you miss me too...

Maybe it was out of our hands-maybe it was in my hands and I pushed you away-maybe it was timing-maybe it was all in my head-maybe my memory of the last time I kissed shouldn't be with you-maybe I shouldn't be your friend-maybe we'll never speak again-or you'll get back with 'her' or you're already with 'her'.maybe I shouldn't be writing this or thinking about you. Maybe I should close my eyes and dream about you. Maybe I should tell you and have u clear up the maybes.

I think its all in my head. What I feel and what u don't feel. Like I care and you don't.

All I know is I love you and I just want you to let me be the friend to you that you are to me.

Love, me.


I Love...

...Maya Angelou- In and out of time
*poetry is not for everyone, but this is one of the better things that Tyler Perry exposed me to*

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.


I'm Aliiive!!

I'm not dead or anything
My phone wont let me update
And i'm usually too lazy to brave this sloow Nig internet
I'm in Nig!!
Thanks to all my new (and old) followers and everyone that comments
i promise i read every single blog- i'm just veeery bad at commenting, but i'll try harder
I've come to the realisation that my randomisity is maybe a problem
In the middle of a conversation i get the 'huh'??
OMG- u guys have to see the most amazing article
Has anyone read twilight and thought 'what?'
Or watched the movie and thrown up a little in their mouth because the acting was sooo bad??
Then dayum!! you have to read that article
I'll put it up asap- this is just a quick post to say 'yeh i still exist'
I'll do a proper one again like tomorrow?



OMG- I can't believe this o2 broadband thing is crap!! If you were thinking of buying it- please don't!

Koko mansion is just too boring please! Rita is the average Nigerian?? *for people who don't know who Rita is- please youtube 'koko mansion'- and for those of you who have no idea what koko mansion is- read my last post or google it*

so today i went to buy something in Euston. I was already pissed because the idiot (sorry- human being) that i was trying to book a ticket from was talking to me like i was uneducated- he was enunciating a lot and speaking slowly- as in are u friggin kidding me?? he was the one that didnt get my point!! i should have been talking as if he was the idiot! Anyway- i digress- so i went to buy something in a random shop- guy gives me receipt- no change- shooooo. I'm like dude- can i please have my change (i didnt actually use the word dude) and he's like- you gave me a 5 pound note. Blank stare. Before he finally gave me my money he now said 'i'm very sure you gave me a 5 pund note'- i swear if i didnt just take the money out of the cashpoint (which did not dispense 5 pound notes) i would have believed!

sugabelly- why can i not comment on your blog? or is it my razz internet?

So who is the person you like- is it the person that makes you want to put your 'best behaviour' on around them or the person that you can let it all hang out with?? the one who sends you a text and makes your heart skip a beat? or the person who just makes you smile?



Jokes from Koko Mansion

I waited and waited for koko mansion and seriously- where did they get these girls from?

classic lines:
1. 'its half gown'- 'half gown' is supposed to be 'high waist skirt'

2. 'i want to poopoo asap'- who uses that word and why does everyone have to know?

3. 'you people are talking about people who sleep with men to be able to afford blackberrys and 150,000 naira jeans- in unical, some girls go to a boutique and price a top for 2000 naira- then they go and sleep with 4 men to be able to afford it'- people are actually suffering- girls in university sleep with men for 500 naira!!

4. 'I thank God that in all the time i dated married men, i never disrespected anyone's wife'- as in whaaaat the hell?? you are sleeping with her husband- if thats not disrespect, i don't know what is!

5. general consensus in this mornings fascinating discussion about cheating was that all guys cheat and as long as he has the decency to not do it in your face, then he loves and respects you.

Why do all people accept that all guys cheat? I thought that the basic difference between humans and animals is that humans can control their instincts- you know what? even animals are schooled to control their instincts- so it irritates me when girls categorically state that 'all guys cheat' 'men will always cheat'- what does that even mean? And the worst thing is when i'm called 'naive' for believing that some guys have too much self- respect to cheat. I'm told to 'grow up'. I should grow up? In the same way that people have categorically stated that 'all men cheat', i am stating that 'all guys do NOT cheat' and the sooner that we adopt that as our mantra, the sooner guys realise that women value themselves highly and will not settle for less than faithfulness.

But i digress.... i'm sure i will get some more 'classic' koko mansion lines and update!!


ps- koko mansion is the new reality tv show by d'banj where 12 girls compete to be his 'kokolette' for a year. The kokolette will be his 'performance buddy' person and will also walk away with 5 million naira, a convertible and a diamond ring.


Same script- different cast

It takes lots of bricks to build a wall

One brick at a time

'meet my mum, i love you' one day
'i want a break' the next
A couple of bricks

'don't call me anymore'
1 brick

'when did the game change? when did you start expecting things from me'
a few more bricks

'i love you but as a friend'
another brick

'i havent thought of us in that way'
a couple of bricks

'what do you want from me- what do you want?'
additional brick

ignored calls-unreplied messages
a few more bricks

'its different now'
one more brick

And the wall just keeps getting higher...
The cast changes, but the script always stays the same.



Now let me just point out that a lot of people will disagree with me and that's fine


please please please

i am SICK and TIRED of people constantly berating other people for the amount of culture they choose to exhibit

A Nigerian magazine had an Indian person on the cover- guess what? India's latest vogue has a black (non-Indian) person on the cover- as in seriously- covers are for people who inspire- and yes in a huge country we have more than enough people that inspire- but by denying that there are successful people from other nationalities that we can imbibe? is that not doing the exact same thing we berate of the Western world??

Dare likes non-Nigerian/ Asian/ whatever type of babe in his video- SO WHAT? how do you know his wife has not said 'babes i don't want any fine naija stuvs in your video o- ill be more comfortable if she wasn't'. And i'm sorry but African men preferring white women is belittling black women? what? If a black guy tells me I'm not good enough for him by virtue of the fact that I'm black- i will find one that doesn't- I'm not going to be scared that when my daughter is born- she is going to hate the colour of her skin. Let's be honest- black women come with certain traits- (I'm generalising here because not everyone is the same)- what if the guy wants something simpler? What if he wants someone to look at him as funny and witty and adoration (and trust me- I've seen babes in my uni with white girls when black girls are like 'hell no- i can never..') so the guy should go home and cry? By restricting himself- isn't he doing the exact same things we accuse the westerners of doing

So a good number of us school abroad. Have we not in essence told Nigerian universities 'I'm sorry but i want something better'- so what? people in Nigerian universities should feel inferior?

My point is- there isn't always a black and white- we won't always agree on issues dealing with interaction with the western world- which we struggle to make ourselves a part of..

So PLEASE- STOP shoving your opinions down our throats- be open minded. Just because you think something does not mean it's the only right- There are a thousand views on anything- accept that your opinions are your opinions- NOT the TRUTH!!

So as a general last minute pointer- i did NOT take sides- i pointed out that we should always look at a well rounded view of things and respect other people's opinions and my examples just show that there is usually more than one side to the story- so please if you are not going to give a constructive comment- then click the ex at the top right hand of your screen. This is not a war call or a personal attack on anyone.

*PS- isn't the weather amazing? Oxford Street was actually empty today- everyone having fun in the park no doubt*



I'm sexy
This fact is not because I have the most amazing body
By any standards-i don't
I've given up the battle with my body and embraced it
I have accepted that my boobs will never see DD again
And people will always stare at my ass
So no-its not because I have the most amazing body
Infact I actually don't know what it is
But I know that's what it is that makes a random guy drive to my street and wait for me after seeing mr crossing the road-looking rundown from the gym
Its the reason I've been labelled 'husband snatcher'-infact make that 'guy snatcher' because the label extends across a wide range of commitments
Its the reason why people are infatuated with me so strongly and then stop being infatuated with the same passion that they started
The reason why loads of attatched guys flock to me-but with the ubderlying 'I'm not going to fall for you and leave my babe o'
Why when my face got burnt with hot water my boyfriend said 'ill talk to her when she's fine again'-although at that time I doubt he got it
Its why someone would write 'I want to fuck you till you can't walk' in my hb on facebook
Its why when a guy starts discussing 'us' a week after meeting me-my friend asks-'why is it always u that eneds up in this position'
Its the reason why guys would hang out of their car windows and shout 'is it my fault that you are fine'

So yeh-im ' sex-y'
And I hate it
I always have-and I probably always will
But it is what it is-and this is a post of acceptance
Acceptance of the fact that girls would probably continue to say 'apparently he thinks you're hot'
And guys would continue to stop in their cars and get hopelessly infatuated
But as long as one person sees past all the 'sex'
I'll just be grateful
Like they say 'attention is better than no attention' (I just made that up btw)

*ps-thank you for all the 'first time pple on my last post-i will get back to all of u soon-i just finished my exams and all*

AND- I'm posting from my phone in impossibly tiny font so ignore mistakes (or try to) and ignore also sentences that don't make that much sense-i tend to assume that everyone is in my head so I onnly explain things halfway!



what happened was...

So i'm at work on this day
and this guy asks me if we have luxuries in Nigeria
So i ask him 'what do you mean by luxuries'
and he says
'you know- things like TV'

say what now??
Nigga puh-lease
Imma slap you into next week!!




fickle human behaviour 1-its not me-its you

Isn't it funny how as human beings we inteprete everything based on our shallow perceptions?
For example-who is a stalker? Actually-what characteristics does a stalker have?
They stalk you-duh! Follow you around-know everything about you? Obsessed?
Characteristics of a girlfriend-no?
So she doesn't literally follow you around, but she's always in ur pocket- a text or phone call away to explain why you are changing your plans for the day-she knows where you are-she knows what you like-what you don't like-chances are she knows what you had for dinner last night-yes maybe you WANT her to know these things-but she still has stalker traits
Or the day you met a guy that you thought was sooo hot!
The next day he calls you once and then twice and then again and again-and omg-hes so interesting and funny and cool and attentive
But you meet this guy and give him your number out of maybe pity
He calls-you ignore
He calls again-you pick up and pretend you were in the bathroom before-then proceed to pretend that you are enjoying the conversation
When he calls you again-he is a stalker
Ps-he hasn't even called half the number of times as hot guy
Or your girlfriend-you break up-you agree to stay friends
She's your ex now-she calls a few times or says hi when she sees you online
'Omg-my ex keeps bugging me'
My point-if you haven't gotten it by now is that if someone changes-and you remain the same-why are you left looking like the crazy person that can't take a hint?
What happens when the exact same things you used to do mean something else because the other person changed?


I'm writing you a letter...

Dear God,
I wish i could talk to you more- but i think words are words- whether or not i speak or write. Can i start by saying i miss you? I miss those easy times when all i had was faith- when you made me happy and i talked to you all the time. The times when all i did was to make you happy and doing things that upset you upset me too. This is a turbulent time- a time when I'm unsure. Suddenly, I've started to feel like I don't actually know u- who are you!? I don't want to feel like a hypocrite or to blow hot and cold- i want to be hot for you Lord. I tried to act like it didn't matter- the fact that we don't have that much of a relationship anymore. It does matter- in the morning when i wake up and at night before i go to sleep- and all the moments in between. It matters. I need you so much. But i don't want to need you without knowing you. I want to know you and i want to love you and then i want to need you. But then i realise i need you first. I need you to show me you. Then to show me how to love you. Then to let me need you.

So God i guess what I'm saying is lead me back to you- and while we're working on our relationship- can i just throw in a prayer for exam help? You know it means so much for me to not graduate average- and not just to me- to everyone else that has a stake in my life. I won't go into it Lord- i know you know.

Thank you because i know you are reading this and maybe in time the words will come more easily to me as a voice- but just for today, accept my hastily typed words.

Your daughter and your friend,


The story of her lips

Sometimes her lips tasted sweet
Like the lollipop she had pulled out moments before

Or salty
Like the nuts she had been nibbling on...

Sleepless nights and bleary eyes...

Or wet
A detox diet...

Brandy and chocolate
A bitchy sleepover with the girls...

Cookies and cream
crying, screaming down the phone...

Another detox diet...

And i waited for the chapped, dry lips
That had seen no food or drink
Unmoisturised lips that delivered a small kiss...

A small soft kiss that said
I know
You did it before
You will do it again
But i forgive you.


Getting that figure 8 aint an easy something!!

Ok- my title was stupidly cheesy- wareva!!

So Lolia- i can only do this for you o!!

ps- The term Internet meme (pronounced /miːm/) is a phrase used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an inside joke.[1] The term is a reference to the concept of memes, although this concept refers to a much broader category of cultural information.

and yeh i just copied and pasted from wikepedia- for people like me that did not know what that word meant!!

so basically i do a series of 8 things- don't know the other rules:)

8 things i look forward to
1. Breaking my extremely looong kiss-a-bacy (its been 9 months- i have forgotten how to use my lips- oh and have you seen that 'kiss' advert? so annoying but i cant tear my eyes away):(

2. Finishing exams (although it would help to start first sha)

3. Graduation (yep- soon as i shall be taking those 'front step of the hall' picture)

4. July!!! (oh the things that this month holds for me- I'm sorry i cant really go into detail *shivers in pleasure*)

5. Meeting all my bbm friends that i haven't meant- *forget meeting in any other way- a bbm (black berry messenger) friend is a friend for life:)-OK not liife sha- but a long time

6. d'banjs new show- 'koko mansion'- it starts on the first of June on HITV!! I want to be a kokoleeet!! (at the risk of being disowned):(

7. Being really rich- i cant remember who it was that said 'when i step on a plane and always turn left'- private jet has never been something i wanted

8. Publishing my first book :) (OK actually i should have said 'finishing' my first book)

8 Things I did Yesterday
1. Had a 'lunch' that lasted just over 4 hours!! *hehe* (when i was supposed to be in the library)

2. Wore red lipstick (kai that thing makes me feel so hot)

3. Listened to my 'revolver' album- John Legend is a legend!! (no pun intended)

4. Had my heart bruised

5. Slept with two of my flatmates in a not that big bed (when all our beds were empty and less than 3 feet away)

6. Ate 3 meals!! (this hardly ever happens-I'm just so lazy)

7. Told Lolia that i HATE memes

8. Got convinced half an hour later to do this one :(

8 Things I wish I could do
1. See 'someone'

2. kiss 'someone'

3. drop out of school

4. have a baby

5. Lie down in the dark for hours and listen to slow music (not as sad as it sounds- and i cant do it because I'm studying for exams)

6. Turn my emotions on and off

7. be a little less open and honest

8. Stop being so insecure and calling myself fat:(- In my head i know that i am NOT fat- but i cant help myself!! PS (hence the name flabby)

8 people i tag2.
if you are reading and you haven't been tagged consider yourself tagged!!

peax people!!



I don't know what to say.

I used to have so much to talk about. Some injustice. Some reason to be sad. Or happy. I don't think about much anymore. I lie down and stare at the ceiling. I make people laugh. I make people laugh a lot. I play tricks on my mind. Tricks that make me believe in crushes and make me think maybe i feel something. Tricks don't last forever. I am now a therapist. Someone people like to tell things. I don't have anything to tell anymore. Maybe its a good thing. maybe its a bad thing. maybe it is neither good or bad. I need love.



*want-an empty desire*
I want you Lord

Need- a near desperate feeling of want
I need you Lord

*Come- an invitation to advance*
Come into my life Lord

*Guilt- a burning feeling that reminds you of your shameful mortality*
My guilt plagues me

*insecurity- a constant reminder that you're not good enough*
My insecurity makes it hard to see you in me

*question- statement that requires correction*
i have questions and i don't know if i'm allowed to

*doubt- your intuition reminding you not to trust too blindly*
I doubt my beliefs

*faith- an illogical belief*
My mustard seed of faith is getting smaller

*want-an empty desire*
I want you Lord


Dear you,
Its too early to be writing you this letter but I'm so angry-im angry that I have a stupid crush-im angry that you've changed-im angry that I'm paranoid. I wish I didn't have this stupid crush-i wish my heart stayed in that jokey place that it was when we always used to talk about getting married and argue about how many kids we would have-now it annoys me that u call me boo! I hate that u find me sexy in a i-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off kind of way. I want you to find me more than sexy dammit!! Maybe its my stupid mouth-why did I have to tell you?? I hate this-im not 12!! I don't want to feel juvenile and edgy-i don't want to pick up my phone and wish there's a message from you-u know what I'm basically saying is-i wish you had a crush on me too!!:(


Feck it- going private felt like medicine after death! theyve already read my soul- so hey- read some more!



And the shit hits the fan...


Bye Bye blog!

i thought of going private but what would be the point?

u know the guy i met (last post) ps- i know ur reading this-yes im blogging about u again

Apparently we have mutual friends on fcebk who read my blog!! our mutual friends are not even my close friends- so to be fair-the whole world reads my damn blog!!

I might come back and post some random impersonal jokey things!!

I always knew my openess would be the fall of me

Ps-date went well, but dont be xpecting to hear more (apart from the fact that im giving up blogging-he prob wants nothing to do with my shallow self)

so adios cheries!!

ps- to the mutual friends that had nothing gud to say about me- u guys should try to get to know me-u might be pleasantly surprised.



Flabby Got Game!


I'm sitting in uni-serious mode- taking no breaks..just focused on my work...

I look up and there is a HOTTIE in my line of vision...

I'm only human...i stare

He catches me staring a million times- i don't look away- why does he keep looking my way anyway...

My ipod battery turns orange...i decide to ask him for a charger (yeh i know the guy next to me is listening to an ipod too-but i don't want to ask the guy next to me dammit!)

I stand up- he looks at me and quickly looks away!

I start to walk towards him, i catch a quick look of disbelief- but then he bends his head down

I'm at his table- 'hey, do you have an ipod usb thing'

'to charge your ipod'?


he gives me one! score- i walk away...

No more stares again- did i mention that his side view was MUCH hotter than the front?

I return the usb- we make small talk-name, course, that sort of thing- i go and sit back down!

He packs up his stuff- i wave, he ignores it and comes to stand beside me instead

'what are u doing'- i make a vague gesture towards my screen

he hangs around awkwardly- i open my mouth

'so do you want to give me your number'

i text- 'thought u should have my number'

he replies 'hey how are you? i didn't want to take your number before i thought i would leave it in your hands but I'm glad you contacted me! i think i have seen you around before?'

me- 'hmm maybe-not sure ive seen you tho!lol-its a big uni tho-so that's normal'

him- 'true, i had a meeting to go to earlier and you seemed a little busy but id like to see you again.''

'yeh-thats cool-what did u have in mind'?

'im cool with whatever.we could get lunch or watch a movie, just let me know when you're free'

I still have game!!


*special aside* if anyone wants to give feminist advice about how i shouldn't ask for a guys number- click the ex at the top right hand corner of ur screen.



Question of the day...

Question of the day...

Why is the better looking person in a relationship always assumed to be the less committed one?

Just can't figure ot out.



Dear Shoe

Dear Shoe,
I wish i had enough words to describe how much i love you. I never ever thought i could meet something so faithful, so loving, so kind. At first i thought it was clothes i loved- remember that time? when i went to Zara and decided that it was dresses i loved? I cant imagine how hurt you must have been. How did u feel when i twirled in front of the mirror in black lace? Did you sneer at how my legs looked without your lengthening abilities? You were there for me clothes broke my heart-the day jeans wouldn't zip up! You were waiting patiently for me to slip mu unmanicured feet into your beauty- how kind was that?

Then i remember when i broke your heart again with bags. It wasn't my fault- Donna Karan lured me in with a Christmas sale. I was hooked from there. You watched in silence as i went out with black, brown, flirted with gold, occasionally inviting you along. You didn't complain about being the third party. Even when i abandoned Gucci and DKNY for more lowly Paul's Boutique. You bowed your head in shame for me when a magazine pushed me to NEXT. NEXT? you screamed silently as i looked at you with a glare and shoved my feet angrily into your patent heeled beauty.

You listened to me when i cried that bag did not satisfy me anymore. You had an affair with me, just to feel the void that the green Gucci and red NEXT did not fill. That's when i remembered. Standing before your beauty one afternoon at faith- i remembered that it was you that had always been there for me. As i slid my feet into your size 7 beauty, it didn't matter that my waistline was smaller or that my bust was bigger- you ignored the size of my arse. As i paid for you again and again and then went to Topshop and repeated the exercise, i felt relieved somehow. When i zipped up the new skinny jeans and buttoned up an oversized jumper- i knew your brown four inch goodness would complete me. Indeed it did. There were glances of appreciation that i didn't notice before- because they weren't there. Everyone wanted you shoe- in a way that they didn't want clothes and bag. The size 20 that admired clothes but couldn't fit could fit into shoe- The money watcher that couldn't afford bag (or was unwilling to spend such) could find beautiful shoe to have.

I love you shoe. My words are inadequate to explain how much.



I must not blog in proper English because for some reason on my last post-i got a lot of sympathy for 'roasting' on vals day- err-i didnt roast, (special aside to Lady Koko-what was that hateration for nau?)

DM where are you?


It wasnt supposed to be like this

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to spend it alone. Wait- i'm not alone- im doing all these things with all these people. How many people did i say no to? But thats not the point. It wasn't supposed to be like this...

I was supposed to wake up squashed in a single bed- wearing his crumpled tshirt. He is sleeping beside me. I stare at him and prod him till he wakes up. 'what'? he says. 'happy valentine', i scream in that happy cheerful way that i do. 'you know i dont believe in vals', he says as he turns and tries to go back to sleep. ' well, i do' i say as i lie down beside him and sing 'twinkle twinkle little star' in his ear in an annoying high picthed voice that forces him to wake up. 'Ok, happy vals day'..'its not 'happy vals day'..its not the day were celebrating-its not like we say 'merry christmas day'..'whatever-im tired.can you please just let me go back to bed'..nope!!

We spend the day doing nothing! Watching loads of movies- cheesy ones and disgusting horror ones! Eating loadsa chocolatey things and practising for the olympic kissing championship.

But its not going to happen is it? Because i picked yesterday of all days to have a 'he's just not tthat into you moment' and because he's not here is he?

Happy valentine.


So- if someone can tell me how to change my url-thats what ill do- if not..im going private. Its not blogsville- u guys are lovely. Its just that i'm not as anonymous as i once was and its a choice between honesty and privacy and i have to pick the latter. So show me how to do the url thingis or send me ur emails.



My cry for HELP

I suffer from a disease called jealousy. Hard pressed, i will deny it, justify it, revoke it, even lie about it. It wont change the fact that it's true. Now the reason why this disease terrifies me so much is not because i'm jealous of people. Because i hardly am. I'm jealous of the things that do not make me top ten in a persons life.

Now- i hate small talk and acquaintances. Both things to me are a waste of time. People that have met me will admit that i quickly jump from small talk to deeply personal questions (when was the first time you had sex?). So basically people fall into categories-friend or not.theres no middle ground. Now when someone is my friend i expect to be top 10 in their life. Now this is really NOT possible. I mean-they had a life before they met me. Rationally, i know this. However, jealousy is not a rational animal. It rears its ugly head whenever someone does something that will indicate that i am not at the forefront of their friend circle (not returning my call, not tagging me in a note on facebook, not telling me they've broken up with their boyfriend or that they have a new one).

Recently this has started to worry me a lot. Apart from the fact that it makes me a hypocrite (because i have more that 10 friends who cant all fit into top 10), its not healthy is it? My heart rate goes up when someone says i am one of the MANY interesting people they've met recently ( i want to be the ONE. I can list jealousy scenarios but that will make me feel more stupid than i already do!

I am NOT an ONLY child. I am NOT the LAST child (although ive obviouly been accused of acting like both). I am infact the FIRST child!

Admitting your problem is the first step to finding a solution right??

Oh and for future reference. I named myself at a low self esteem phase. I am NOT flabby. I am not a BIG GIRL. I am a regular sized person (6/8 american, 10/12 british) i'm just mentioning this because someone wrote a comment like 'flabby must be just a name..'..it is!

My name is Flabby and i NEED help.



'ok please stop calling, thank you flabby'...

Nice way to start my day.

So basically i met this guy in like November. He saw my pictures on facebook and asked my friend for my number. So we started talking. Within a week he 'likes' me. Now i'm not trying to somehow judge his feelings- but i was judging his feelings. I didnt believe him, but believing him was not the point. The point was that i did not feel the same way- after all we had only just started talking, we had not even met. And so we continued to talk. Like two weeks in-he was upset if i went to sleep without calling him or if he was ill and i hadnt checked up on him. I told him that i did not understand where the obligations were coming from. He sent me a 4 page text and didnt talk to me for a week. I called him one day and we started talking again. That night he sent me another 5 page text detailing how much he missed me. The feeling of suffocation started again. To be honest i always used to think- 'dude you're 26, why are you acting like a child'. Our relationship was ok until the airport incident;

Basically, we still hadnt met and i was travelling to nig. So he says that we should meet up at the airport for like 5- 10 minutes so that he could give me 'something'. I explained to him that i was travelling with my 11 year old cousin so my auntie would want to follow us to the gate. I dont think she cares who i meet up with at the airport but my 11 year old cousin is wrapped in cotton wool. The fact that i looked like crap was neither here nor there.

So we get to the airport-late (by my aunts standards)- and my aunt rushes us through to the gate and everything. Well the departure lounge sha. I bring out my phone and i see a missed call from him. I call him back. He asks me where i am and i tell him, explaining that there would be no point of him coming. He vexes and gets off the phone. He doesnt call me again before we leave-i think i called and he didnt pick up.

I get to nig and i text him along with the other people that i want to have my number. He calls me two days later. 'do you know i was in the airport when you called?'

Two questions- why did he come to the aiport when we hadnt agreed on it?? and why didnt he tell me he was in the airport that day???

So he calls me for a couple of days. Ond day he's like- 'today i wanted to call you with my phone then i realised they had cut me off, so i went out to get a calling card to call you but i did not find one so i had to come back home and get the car to drive to kilburn to get one'...im like..'aaaw-how sweet' but in my mind im like 'WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME????'

So one day he gives me this whole i like you and you dont like me and i dont know what to do speech. I said if not talking to me will make you feel better then ill respect your decision to not do so. He then sent me a loong text detailing how it would hurt not to talk to me but it would hurt to talk to me. (let me just add here that if he had let me breathe small- i could have liked him, he was sweet)

Anyway he stopped calling. I came back to jd and called him. he was cool. I called him a couple of days later and he didnt pick up. he didnt call back either. i texted asking if we werent talking, he didnt reply. Maybe that should have been a hint- but i dont do hints. So i called him again. This time he picked up. He said he had been busy and why wouldnt we be talking. The day before his birthday i called him. He joked that he was turning 20 not 27. I texted him on his birthday-he said thankyou. I texted him the day after to ask about his birthday-he didnt reply.

A couple of days after, i talked to the friend that gave him my number. She told me about the classic ipod that he bought me. The one i made a lot of noise about in December. Then she told me his version of the airport story where off course i was the bitch!! We lamented on the loss of an ipod and i told her the airport story again. Then i called him- he didnt pick up.

that weekend, i went to London. Seeing we had never met, i called him to ask if he wanted to meet up. He didnt pick up. Then he called me and i missed it, then i called him again like twice and he didnt pick up.

Anyway he called me at 3am last night. I was asleep. I woke up to read a long text basically saying it was hard to get over you so what do you want from me? I said if he didnt want me to call he should just say so and thats when he sent me that text. The one that said 'please dont call'

In other news, on my way back from the gym yesterday (looking like a tramp) this guy stopped in his car to ask for my number (in jd again????)

So my friend said i had reduced my self dignity by calling him so many times? Do you think your dignity is determined by the number of times you call someone? Or because you prefer people to tell you things in words not actions?? So basically to the guy i have no dignity???



why the hell is he lying to me? Why do i care that he's lying? because we are friends-dammit!! or is that all in my head?? whats with all these 'friends' that keep pissong me off-i need new friends...

I need to finish my essay. its final year, i cant afford to not finish on time to edit properly

I need another friend like the one that threw me away- someone i can talk to about everything, not just because they are good listeners but because they actually bloody care!


I've never really been alone. I've been single for a looong time but never alone.
Before I continue,baroque-long story!...neffie-specs coming up soon!..DM-you too!
Now where was I?
I've never been alone.There's always someone wasting my minutes and occupying my mind
(Gosh I hate blogging with my phone)
So anyway for the first time in a long time,I think I'm alone
I've been fighting it all the usual ways...
Calling up stalkers I dint send before..
Hanging on to fading friendships...
Giving shreds of hope to people...
But the truth is...I'm tired of fighting it
I need to learn how to be happy and secure without seeking external validation
I need to learn how to let things happen their own way instead of tryin to control everything
Being alone is lonely I won't lie
But maybe this is a good time to rediscover my relationship with God
And pay more attention to my friends
And go to bed early
And not worry about where 'its' going

I actually planned to blog about why owning a blackberry is shameful...
I guess I'll do that later
Chari and buttercup please halp scarred cynics like me believe in love

Have a good day guys




I want a boyfriend!


Gist from the 234

I'm BAAAAAAAAACk!! scream for JOY people!!!

so yeh wat happened in nig lets c..

Wait hold up self? What is it about the idiots that stop on the road to talk to you..i mean the ones that roll down their windows and shout stuff..or the ones that follow you slowly in the car..as in WTF?? is it because i'm walking? You think im going to jump for joy at ur chrysler or camry? as in really? One of the most ridiculous ones was the guy that jus stopped, leaned out and shouted ' can i just have your number?'... talk about straight to the point!! How about that leaned out of his window and shouted 'is it a sin to tell you that you're fine?'

Now im complaining about the cars that stop. At least thats better than the street urchins that shout. The one that was singing 'i love the way ur walking' and all the ones that shouted variations of the word 'sexy'...I curse all the times i walked on the road without my ipod..as in what the hell was i thinking?

Now that my rant is out of the way..
hows everyone???

So on the night of the first- i was at insomnia (mehn naija is deep o-clubbin till 7 o clock)..anyway it was my friends bday and that was her club of choice whats a girl to do. First of all i couldnt decide what to wear. threw on the first dress. it was a grey cotton one- very short but full sleeved- not tight-no cleavage..so ok nau! all my jd friends were like..yeh..nice dress..but my hater naija friends..'babes are u going out like that'..'shet ur naked'..etc..i turned to one and im like ' but babes..my dress is longer than yours'..what did she have to say? 'but mine is tight at the bottom'..schhheeew!.

Ok dress number two. bright red! tube, not as short as the first one- but too damn sexy..reaction 1-silence. reaction 2- 'shet mehn this babe u look like a slut'..show?? is it my fault that my body has slutty-looking tendencies..as usual, my jd babes were like-yeh its cool (ive rocked the dress here self)..anyhow i stuck to the grey dress..next thing one girl is like 'i would pay for your ass'..woah! it just came out of like nowhere..im just like riiite!!

So onto the club- i can hardly be bothered to leave my house so when i do-i have to have fuuun! so im dancing away and all- my friend- (lets call him Peter) came with his cousin who was feeling all familiar and saying stuff like ' you owe me a dance' im laughing and going 'yeh yeh-off course'.. anyhow Peter is sticking to me all noght- but its fair enough cos he's like my brother(ok thats a lie) but were tight. So at some point..were dancing on a chair (me and peter) and then i get on the floor to dance with another guy. After like one song, Peter CARRIES me.. yes-try and imagine!! CARRIES me back to the chair..in my mind im like 'oops-maybe now its time to acknowledge that my dear friend might like me..(there were other things, but story for another post)

Finally, im sitting down beside said familiar cousin and he leans over and says 'oh i forgot to say-than your mother'.
me- *blank look* what?
him- you dont know what that means?
me-err, nah!
him- well thank your mother sha-is he being serious??? was he in an American music video??

Anyways-ill come back and post some more later!! hope ur keeping your new yr resolutions u naughty nayghty people!!

DM-customs took the boy away!:(