I suffer from a disease called jealousy. Hard pressed, i will deny it, justify it, revoke it, even lie about it. It wont change the fact that it's true. Now the reason why this disease terrifies me so much is not because i'm jealous of people. Because i hardly am. I'm jealous of the things that do not make me top ten in a persons life.
Now- i hate small talk and acquaintances. Both things to me are a waste of time. People that have met me will admit that i quickly jump from small talk to deeply personal questions (when was the first time you had sex?). So basically people fall into categories-friend or not.theres no middle ground. Now when someone is my friend i expect to be top 10 in their life. Now this is really NOT possible. I mean-they had a life before they met me. Rationally, i know this. However, jealousy is not a rational animal. It rears its ugly head whenever someone does something that will indicate that i am not at the forefront of their friend circle (not returning my call, not tagging me in a note on facebook, not telling me they've broken up with their boyfriend or that they have a new one).
Recently this has started to worry me a lot. Apart from the fact that it makes me a hypocrite (because i have more that 10 friends who cant all fit into top 10), its not healthy is it? My heart rate goes up when someone says i am one of the MANY interesting people they've met recently ( i want to be the ONE. I can list jealousy scenarios but that will make me feel more stupid than i already do!
I am NOT an ONLY child. I am NOT the LAST child (although ive obviouly been accused of acting like both). I am infact the FIRST child!
Admitting your problem is the first step to finding a solution right??
Oh and for future reference. I named myself at a low self esteem phase. I am NOT flabby. I am not a BIG GIRL. I am a regular sized person (6/8 american, 10/12 british) i'm just mentioning this because someone wrote a comment like 'flabby must be just a name..'..it is!
My name is Flabby and i NEED help.