19.4.08

Of heavy hearts

Why did i wake up naked next to an 18 year old boy? This is the question i was aking myself in the shower today. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm doing things i shouldn't do, and i can't talk to anyone about it. I didn't know he was 18. I only found out yesterday. And the said waking up naked happened two days ago. I feel like a peadophile. The amazing thing was yesterday he was apologizing for not calling me the day he left. He didn't want to be a 'stereotypical guy, not calling'..oh! sweet that he thought i'd be insecure and think he used me.

You know how we think blogsville is a place where we can say anything we want to say and people won't judge..Humans by their very nature are naturally judgemental. It's just the way humans experience jealousy. So..yeah..most peopel are anonymous. Does that mean that when you're reading about someone you don't know..a quick judgement doesn't pass through your mind??

Foil. It's difficult. It's difficult that i like him. It's difficult that sometimes i wake up and the feelings arent there..but i know that somewhere behind the 'not there'..the said feelings are waiting to pounce on me most unexpectedly. It was easy talking to him knowing (by assumption) that he had no feelings for me. Until my cousin got involved and dissected everything he has done since we met to say 'there is evidence on both sides..but the evidence to suggest that he likes you is more'..so yesterday, i dont't know why..why i said the stupid things i said..like

me- so are you just a polite person..like you always return calls..and text back and all..are u always like that..like isn't it hard..like me anmd my flatmate, we're both non confrontational people..and it gets hard because noone says what there really feeling..so sometimes it's up to me to guess and obviously whaen i dont guess..then she gets upset but doesnt say anything until we're talking about something totally unrelated and it comes up...

Foil-say what you want to say..stop going round incircles

Me-i don't know what i want to say..thats why im going round.
(at this point..what i really want to know is..do you always return my calls because you like me? if you stop does that mean you dont..or are u always going to be this polite person that doesnt give hints)

Foil-i try to be polite..but i think i strike a balance

Me-it must be hard being polite all the time..like it's just not natural (WTF??!)
(at this point he's getting noticeably irritated)

Me-so its just weird how you don't ask things..like when i asked you for your number again and you didnt ask why (this was when i deleted his number for a week and asked for it again)

Foil-why would i ask..i lose numbers..i lost a's number..i didnt have b's number.so why would i want to knpw why if you're asking for my number

Me-it's just like..shouldn't you be curious?

Foil-there are things to be curious about..not why you're asking for my number

Me-*insert stupid statement like 'i guess*

There were a few more stupid things before i just had to run off the phone. I sent him a text saying 'i'm sorry..that sometimes i can't articulate what i want to say..and it ends up long winded or annoying..and that i assume things about you'..I truly expected him to say something like 'it's fine'..or 'why are u apologizing'..but he said...nothing. He didn't reply. So i guess he DOES know how to strike a balance. I woke up in the middle of the night, and i couldn't sleep with the lights off..because i was dreaming about him..because i just got this scared feeling..Even if we don't ened up together (and i don't think we should..given his religion and the fact that i'll feel insecure with him)..i want him in my life. As a friend..as an acquaintance..as anything. It's ironic..because the other day i was talking to him about what someone should do if they upset him..i guess that was my preparation for yesterday..so i'll just leave him alone for a while.

I'm tired of being this insecure person. If insecurity could be cured by people telling you you're beautiful..etc..then i'd be so cured by now..but it isn't. And it upsets me that when i meet people i don't believe that the only thing they can be seeing is me..beautiful me. I'm always thinking..yeah..they probably won't remember me..all sorts of stupid things. I just want to be happy in my own skin. But i don't know how. I don't want to judge myself the way other people see me, and i don't want my connotation of how people see me to be negative.I just dont know how.

A lot of days..i feel so far away from God. I don't know how to get back to him. It should be easy right? I should just get down on my knees..and open my heart..but how? the prayers of the unrighteous are an abomination unto God..and how can i know im truly repenting..how do i know that at the back of my mind..im not thinking that im just going to do it again??

My heart is heavy..but i'll just wait for the heaviness to pass. I miss Foil already.

5 comments:

soupasexy said...

awwww, dont worry babe...everything will be just fine ok.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Babes, first of all, I really admire your honesty. It takes guts to spill out the raw unadulterated truth-even on blogsville.

Second of all. I have kind of been in a similar fix. I found out the boy was 18 after I had made out with him!lol. But hey, he was 18 and consenting.lol. You are not a pedophile. Dont be too hard on yourself. Shit happens. We live and we learn.

Third of all, the only way you can get over insecurity, is to begin to see yourself the way God sees you: A queen!

Find out what your strengths are and capitalize on them. Find out what your weaknesses are-and accept them. Tell yourself how fabulous you are every single day while your brushing your teeth or something-lol. Eventually, you'll begin to believe all of it.

Finally- your prayers can never be an abomination. We all sin, we all screw up-thats what makes us human and what makes God, God. Just talk to God like a friend. Tell him you know your screwing up and you need HIS help. Heck write HIM a letter if you need to! I do it all the time and it helps:-)

Like you said, this too shall pass! Once again, i really admire your vulnerability! Email me whenever! Take care...xx

flabby said...

I can't believe that you would actually take time out to read these ramblings!! thanx..it means a lot.

Charizard said...

Come u guyz I swear I will stop telling women my age....what do all of you have against 18 year olds na...wetin? ahahn...I don tire for all these ones o...why do naija women have to be so myopic n rigid! age is nothing but a number...maturity is the shit!!!

Charizard said...

I swear I feel you on the feeling far away from God...and I jus dont seem to know how to find ma way back into his arms...and its funny how u jus found words for the feelings that I feel in that respect