I am pissed!! friggin pissed!! bloody pissed!! angry!! i would like to say im pissed at the stupid boy called foil that got me into this state..but im more pissed at myself for letting him get me here! Infact there are so many posts ive started and not published because im too pissed to continue..so let this be like a catalogue of unpublished posts...
I am pissed. Friggin pissed. Bloody pissed. Why do you have to be the way you are?? I dont understand it. ive always been an advocate for accepting even things that you dont understand..but this is getting really ridiculous!!
Right now..i dont care whether you like me or not! it doesnt matter because you're leaving anyway! But..it o
I'm going private. It's not that thousands of people read my blog. Infact its just a minute number..but still..because im so honest here..i think going private is the only way ill fell comfortabe enough to continue blogging with the same degree of honesty.
It has been a long weekend. Or a long start to the beginning of the holiday. actually the 'holiday' doesnt technically begin till after results..but anyway..
I startd writing this intending to give a step by step analysis of everything that happened but it seems too exhausting.a LOT of stuff happened. i might as well.
My friends birthday..
If im honest..i fell a little for the little boy. My 18 year old..that soon turns 19..how exciting for him. He's still too young..but i fell a little. He's sweet. The day i stayed in uni all night and was hungry..he sent me every number of every place that he could find that delivered. Even if i should know better, he was always the one pushing me and checking on me. But as sweet as he is..'cling' is not his middle name. he's totally independent. He doesnt call me all the time..
People intrigue me. I'm always wondering what they think and why they do the things the do. What i do't understand is why everybody struggles to be different. How everyone tries to carve out their own island..create their own niche..so they have a reason to scream 'look at me..im different.'Most people forget that we are all the same by the defining characteristic that we are human beings. Being different is not
I understand people. At the risk of sounding cliche, i do. It's an exciting recent discovery. I see beneath the facade people paint..I think i spend too much time..studying and analyzing. my friend said i care about people too much..i guess that's just me.
I've also recently discovered my anger at 'the rules'...who invented the bloody rules?the rules that we are supposed to live by? the one that says 'hold back'..'dont show too much..but show enough'..'be mysterious'...'never make the first move'..'hold out till the third date'..etc..actually they sound more like relationship rules? but still..who made them..see tintins girl..she ticks all the right boxes..why?
It's just annoying that we always have to follow this unwritten pattern..half of the time i dont know what it is..everyone likes to believe that they make their own way..but when push comes to shove..we are all caught up in life's rules one way or the other.
It's been a weekend of learning new things. I spent my weeked crying. It was a combination of different thing. My exams which despite the incredible hard work i've put in havent been great. Rejection. When i got the 'i like you..but' speech. it didnt matter. i thought i didnt care. But it hurts really badly.
I'm a virgin. But only technically. It's not a banner i hod proudly over my head. The day i made the decision to chill..i didnt see myself messing around with anyone. I didnt see myself taking off my clothes. Now, somehow, i wish maybe i wasn't a virgin. Maybe that would help me to create some physical boudaries. The thing about me is..
And this lady and gentlemen is why i think im going private..so i can finish my posts..etc..and express my anger in faux-secrecy!