I don't even know where to start. The way we met was not spectacular. Friend of a friend. But the moment i saw you..u intrigued me. Maybe it was the attitude, the careless half smile, the way conversations were always finished...but always felt like there was more..like there was a hustle for your time.
I was different straight away. Yes, i wanted to preach girl power and being strong! I wanted to follow the rules and make you chase me. It was a risk i wasn't willing to take. I called you. I talked to you. I became friends with you. But we were stuck in a time capsule..one that didn't shift. I still called..you still laugh..but u didn't call..You didn't talk to me..you listened..you answered whatever you were asked. My friends said..'maybe u don't give him time to call you'..i gave you time. nothing.
After a while, i stopped waiting for you to call. I called you..and i was happy when i made you laugh. I didn't analyse anything you said. What was the point..you were clearly not into me. Two months and not a single call. Not a single text. This is the point where everyone says I'm crazy. But no one said so. No one asked me to leave you alone.
To put it down is difficult. i don't know if what we have is 'a' history or 'my' history. Everything that has ever happened, i started. Our first conversation, our first dance, our first kiss. Our first kiss. If i allowed myself for a minute to believe that actions speak louder than words..i would believe that you felt for me almost what i felt for you. But its hard to pit action against no words.
Its hard. I don't know what to say to you. The words don't even come to me when i write. All of this shouldn't matter. you're leaving soon. But it does matter. Even if this is the last time i see you, i want you to know how i feel. I want to know that if we had time, you might have broken out of your defence and made 'us' happen.
This doesn't make total sense, but i don't know how else to say this to you. I don't know how else to explain that i have broken ALL of my defences and crossed ALL of my boundaries to get here with you. But somehow, it doesn't feel like a victory. it feels like a mistake.