I'm Only Human

Scenario-girl on a diet..second day..buying ben and jerry's buy one get one free..then eating it ALL IN ONE NIGHT..excuse-im only human..im sorry, but no..ur only greedy!

'i'm only human is this excuse that we use, so we can remain inadequate..so we excuse not living up to our full potential..I use it a lot..but i realise it's because i'm too lazy to do better..or i just don't believe in myself. It's too early in the morning to preach to myself..so i'll jus leave it at that now.

Ok yesterday i did two things...I called guy i met at the weekend..and i swapped numbers with guy in church. After i talked to guy i met at the weekend, i realised that..I don't like these guys..but i want them to like me. I don't understand why. Maybe i just need reassurance. People can still like me right?

My friend yesterday was like..'u'll like him until u find a reson to be bored'..i come across as fickle..but i'm actually not..i just force myself to like people..y? cos im bored? sad? I think sad is more like it! Until i accept that emotions are not my whole being..i might never be satisfied. And i'll probably keep doing stupid things. Last year..like 3 guys made me cry. Actually..exactly three guys made me cry. In actual fact, i ended things with three of them. But, i didnt want them to give up so easily. I wanted them to come with me on my emotional rollercoaster, and be there on a whim. Unfortunately, none of them were willing. So, as usual, i ended up looking stupid. Gosh, when i think of the truly desperate things i said and did..i cringe..did i really say to a guy 'i want you to kiss me'..after i found out he had a girlfriend??...did i really tell a guy 'i miss u..i just want to talk to you..not about us..about anything'..Did i really tell a guy 'i'm sorry' after I decided the 'friends without benefits wasn't what i wanted. Why was i saying sorry after he offered me a relationship i wasn't interested in anymore..i told him..'it's like offering a child something that went out of fashion 5 years ago'..When he realised i was being serious..off course he didnt want to be friends..he walked me to the train station (silently, i might add)..and he walked away. That was it. Why did i call him afterwards?? Why did i text 'i'm sorry'...it took him ignoring my calls to realise i was behaving like a fool.

'I want you to kiss me'...Gosh..i feel so stupid! I thought he was feeling what i thought i was feeling (after two weeks)..lol..then i found out rudely..that he had a girlfriend..he didnt deny it..he gave me the 'it's complicated' line... I still had him over for the weekend..but afterwards..that was it..i told him i wasn't interested in being 'the other'...until i started talking to him again..and the fact that he had a girlfriend faded away...but he wasn't interested anymore..then i saw him again and thats when i said the cringeworthy line 'i want you to kiss me'..sometime after that he actually told me 'i like you..but as a friend'..that's when i cried.

I remember when i was telling the 'i miss you' guy that i didn't want us anymore. We had been on and off for a while and it was driving me insane...I sent him a text..I thought he'd want to talk about it..he didn't. He didn't talk to me for a full week..then he called..just to say hey..i guess to show me that he was still talking to me..but he accepted that there was no us anymore..During that first week..when he didnt talk to me..that's when i cried..i probably didnt eat for like a day or two..He was the one i really liked.

But..none of these guys were my boyfriend..so when i say ex..i don't mean any of them.

I've made a lot of mistakes..but hey..i'm only human.


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