5.10.08

Tears

I wish that one day i would wake up and understand everything. Most of all-myself. that one day i would become this strong, resilient person that everyone imagines me to be. I would be moralistic and motivated. I would think i was beautiful- look at myself in the mirror and through the eyes of other people and be confident that what they see is really me-beautiful. I wish i wish so hard, that i would stop being needy. I wouldnt be afraid that if i let someone in-they are going to leave. I wish i wasn't stupid- i wish i could see- really really believe when someone loved me.

I dont know when my simple wish started to sound poetic, but i really do wish these things were true. I dont need a pyscologist to tell me that i have issues- i guess in a way everyone has issues. I just want mine to dissapear. I want to stop feeling like im incapable of being loved or whatever. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I always feel like giving myself a good kick when i tear up. Ok- so what- two dads left you- thats not personal-that had nothing to do with you- so what you have low self esteem-loads of people do- poor social skills? nothing that cant be improved on- ur needy? tie ur hands behind your back when you want to make whiny calls in the middle of the night

I dont know- I dont know. Sometimes i think life is too hard. But its supposed to be hard right? I know were not supposed to do it alone though. Why do i feel like im doing it alone a lot of the time? Why do i not have God? yeah- everyone has told me- just pray-yeah just go to church-ull get Him back- its not easy. i want to scream 'I DONT HAVE HiM AND I WANT HIM BACK BECAUSE ITS TOO HARD WITHOUT HIM'...because it is- i dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore-those days should be over..

ps- i do have a happy side- i have another blog..This is my emotional side.

6 comments:

Temite said...

Aww Babe, Pele. I feel you. Life is so hard sometimes that I feel.. I feel... There is so much suffereng in the world. I am so dejected. I still havent tasted the fruits o my sister. take heart tho, we all are struggling.

Sting said...

2nd! Temite, how dare u steal my spot. Oya, come here for 20 strokes of the cane, or would u prefer to pick pin? Chose now b4 i chose for u!

I haven't read the post, so i can't comment right now. Will be back. (That's so bullshit, right?)

But I Care said...

Am I really third?
yay me! and this is my first time here... hehe

I feel you are being too hard on yourself, you need a break.

And God is still there, and so are strangers like we...

am so sorry!

rethots said...

Hmmm only He knows, but, out assurance is that He always have our backs.

Kin'shar said...

babes...you can only wake up....


You will neva understand a man or the completeness of a relationship. We as individuals view relationships different. Men think that they are superior and that they can cheat....(excuses annnnnnd more excuses) but if we just so happen to accidently fall and slip into another mans arms...then we are so wrong and they cant accept apologies and they run away..... mmmm, traps!

Kin'shar said...

sweetie, cry.....its therapeutic...and good for the soul