I wish that one day i would wake up and understand everything. Most of all-myself. that one day i would become this strong, resilient person that everyone imagines me to be. I would be moralistic and motivated. I would think i was beautiful- look at myself in the mirror and through the eyes of other people and be confident that what they see is really me-beautiful. I wish i wish so hard, that i would stop being needy. I wouldnt be afraid that if i let someone in-they are going to leave. I wish i wasn't stupid- i wish i could see- really really believe when someone loved me.
I dont know when my simple wish started to sound poetic, but i really do wish these things were true. I dont need a pyscologist to tell me that i have issues- i guess in a way everyone has issues. I just want mine to dissapear. I want to stop feeling like im incapable of being loved or whatever. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I always feel like giving myself a good kick when i tear up. Ok- so what- two dads left you- thats not personal-that had nothing to do with you- so what you have low self esteem-loads of people do- poor social skills? nothing that cant be improved on- ur needy? tie ur hands behind your back when you want to make whiny calls in the middle of the night
I dont know- I dont know. Sometimes i think life is too hard. But its supposed to be hard right? I know were not supposed to do it alone though. Why do i feel like im doing it alone a lot of the time? Why do i not have God? yeah- everyone has told me- just pray-yeah just go to church-ull get Him back- its not easy. i want to scream 'I DONT HAVE HiM AND I WANT HIM BACK BECAUSE ITS TOO HARD WITHOUT HIM'...because it is- i dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore-those days should be over..
ps- i do have a happy side- i have another blog..This is my emotional side.