Im tired. Of feeling surbodinate. Of my low self esteem. Of lack of belief in myself. Lack of faith in other people. Maybe i overanalyze things. Maybe thats just me. But it hurts when my best friend looks down on me. She thinks i cant see it. Its probably a subconscious thing. She thinks she's better than me academically..she thinks she has better fashion sense..thinks she looks better..has a better body. At one time, i used to try. I used to want her to see me in a different way. I was screaming 'see me..im good in uni too...look at my outfit..isnt it great.' But i realsie now, that maybe its just best to see me how i see me and let her see me how she wants to. My life shouldn't be about how she wants me to be.
To be honest, im re-evaluating the friendship. I used to be fine when she was selfish. I accepted that thats just the way she is. But when i just keep giving..its hard not to feel used. Simple things..like going out of her way to hang out. I go out of my way. I've been going out of my way since we met. I used to think..'well, its not like she's not selfidh to everyone'...until she got a boyfriend and took on a new role of selfless girlfriend. I don't expect relationships between boyfriend and girlfriend to be the same. But it just goes to show..if a human being cares enough about another human being..they would break out of their comfort zone.
It's the way she puts me down. Doesn't listen. I say something..she goes 'hmm..u ma'...but i dispute something she says and she thinks im exaggerating. It's the way her tiny issues are so blown up...but issues that are so important to me become so trivial.
Sometimes..i think maybe it's not worth it. Maybe she doesnt need me to see her all the time. It wouldnt matter so much if i listened or not. Maybe instead of trying to be there for someone all the time..i should be there for me.
Maybe its my fault..and I let her take me for granted. It's funny how she won't tale sides in an argument with me and someone that isnt even close to her. But she wants me to see her side in an argument.
There's so much she doesnt know about me. So much i've tried to say..but she wont let me. She doesnt hear me. But it doesnt matter anymore..because now i realise that i am me..its ok..if i accept me for me..no one else has to. Because i am me..i can place people in my life where i think they should be.