I'm sad. But i dont know why. It's this emptiness in the pit of my stomach and i dont know what to do. It's not about a guy anymore. At least i dont think it is. i've accepted that you can't always have what you want. Who you want. It's ironic how you think you don't want someone until they are about to turn around and say goodbye. I'm sad. I don't know how to let go, release my inhibitions. I can't talk about it to anyone. They don't understand that just because i'm loud..and funny..doesn't mean i don't have thoughts that haunt me. I'm sad. And it heightens all my other sad emotions. It elevates every unreturned call to a reason to wallow for a little while.
I don't know why i dont know how to follow life's rules. I don't even know what they are half of the time. It's like everyone knows what to do..and say..and how to act..and im always one step behind. I don't know what to do. Everyone struggles to be different..but like i hear everyday..i AM different. But i'm not sure it's in that cute, quirky way that everyone wants to be different. It's in that way that makes people say 'you're weird'..over and over and over again..If i had a penny for everytime i've heard that... sometimes i just wonder what it would be like to be kind of like everyone else..Wonder what it would be like to say something and not have everyone go 'uhn?'...
I'm sad and i dont know what to do. I know the sadness will pass. But that doesnt mean i know what to do the next time it comes. How long can i keep getting engulfed by this wave without drowning? I want to understand where it comes from..i want to understand why i always pick people that come and heighten it..It's impossible to shut myself off from the world..it's temporary relief to write what i feel..i want something more permanent.
Today i read a book extract to her. My best friend. It was the letter that was about the resentment i felt for her when he chose her. I felt ashamed. I don't know how she felt. I wanted to apologize..but i can't apologize for how i felt..
I need God.