19.1.11

I've stopped searching myself. I know what's inside and I don't want to confront it. On some level, I know what i'm doing. I know all the things i'm doing wrong. I see what's negative about who i've become. But I don't want to confront it. Because I don't feel strong enough. It's weird. I believe i'm worthy of being this strong smart person. But i'm scared to actually become that person. So she stays in my head and I watch the shadow live. I know who I am truly. For all my faults, I've always been proud of me. Lately, I don't know. All i seem to do now is develop philosophies to justify the unjustifiable. Is that what becoming an adult is about? Being afraid? Starting to 'realise' that life is not perfect? That people do things they never thought they would?

It's funny how principles weaken as we grow older, because we grow into the idea that any expectation of perfection is 'naive'. That childlike believe that anything is possible is replaced with stability, failure and fear. Expectations. Let's not forget expectations. I'm frozen in this place where I can't move forward because I don't want to face up to the present. Hours pass, days pass, weeks, months. And I feel like I can't start that process of self- realisation. Because i'm afraid. Because i'm an adult and there are all these expectations. Because all my dreams cannot actually come true. Because I would have to be strong. And I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to believe in anything. I just want to be cynical and stuck. In this limbo-like place. Afraid.

3 comments:

Lolia said...

I love you - and you know the best part? I mean it. Bb me boo.

Rockola said...

Life is never perfect and we do realize as we get older that we can't live in a fantasy world but at the same time it helps as become stronger, because we have to fight for what we want and there is no one there to helps us, yeah we'll probably fall but as humans we have to power to get up, to change and to make a desicion...

Furta said...

Hey, I've just read this your post, and I see that you speak my mind... :) it's strange, like reading myself.. I do understand you. I am also not a strong person and I feel too weak to start changing anything in me... I know I do so many things wrong, but don't change it...